Chapter 5: Omnipotent Third Person

Earlier, between homeroom and first class

Jr. was running frantically. The school was laid out in such a way that his first and second classes were on opposite sides of the campus and he had only five minutes to get there. This reminded him how much he hated school, and how much it seemed to hate him in return.

"I said no!" he heard a female voice ring out, and skidded to a stop at the noise. His shoes squeaked as he kept himself from falling over by flailing his arms. "Stop it!"

"That's the sound of a girl in distress!" he exclaimed, and looked down the hallway he had just foot-braked in front of. There was a girl there being hassled by three boys while trying to get something out of her locker. He recognized them as Tony and Hammer from class along with a third boy he didn't recognize (and it wasn't Allen this time). "Wow!" he said. "How did they appear here so fast when I had to run the whole way? Either this author is getting lazy, or I need to start working out!" But that was forgotten quickly as he examined the girl. She was slender and long-legged with cand-like pink hair and a super-short pleated skirt. "Cute girl!"

"Come on," Tony said in a persuading tone, leaning over Momo's shoulder. She pulled her shirt to herself modestly, not giving him a chance to look down it.

"Tony, stop messing around!" Hammer complained. "You're gonna make us all late for class!"

The third boy was even wimpier than Hammer, and cowered behind him pressing his two index fingers together. "Can we just go find Allen please?" he asked.

"Shut up, Scott!" both Hammer and Tony snapped at him.

Scott whimpered. "I'm telling Professor on you guys!"

"Leave me alone!" Momo said. "I don't have anything for you!"

"Oh, yes you do!" Tony snickered. "I want your delicious cupcakes."

MOMO wrinkled her nose. "No way! Those are only for nice boys! I'm warning you to back off before I get scary!" Then she ducked her head into her locker to look for something.

"Oh yeah?" Tony continued.

At this point, Jr. came barreling down the hall and leapt into a karate kick in the air. "HI-HAA!" he shouted as his foot impacted against Tony's head. Tony grunted and went down. Then Jr. proceeded to punch Hammer in the gut and ram Scott into a locker with a clatter.

"What the hell?" Hammer coughed. "I wasn't even doing anything!"

"Ha ha!" Jr. laughed triumphantly, as he turned around to face Momo. "I've taken care of all these lechers for you. Now what's this about cupcakes?"

"HENTAI!" Momo screeched, and pulled a large metal rod out of her locker.

"Oh, so you like anime too!" Jr. said excitedly, just before Momo wanged him in the head with her rod.

She continued to bludgeon him as well as the other three as she shouted. "I told you-!" WHAM! "To leave me-!" WHAM! "and my cupcakes-!" WHAM! "ALONE!" WHAM! Then, having beaten them all to a pulp, she straightened her hair and walked off to class. "Hmf!"

Jr. laid on the ground twitching in agony for a moment before hopping back onto his feet resiliently. "That girl is so incredibly cute!" he proclaimed, blood trickling down the side of his head. "And err... catch you guys later, I gotta go to class!" With that, he zipped off.

He came to a stop again in front of a classroom door just as the bell rang. A woman with very dark sunglasses on stared at him threateningly, with a lipstick-painted smirk. "You're late," she mocked him. "But it's the first day, so I suppose I won't rope you down and put you in my collection. I mean send you to the office."

"Err... sure, Miss..." he checked her chest to see if he could find any name tag there. "...Rack?"

"Just get into class, carrot-top."

Jr. did as he was told and stepped into class. He found his younger brother Gaignun already there. Jr. being a bit behind and Gaignun being a bit ahead put them in the same class, despite their being eldest and youngest respectively. "Hey," he greeted him.

"Miss Rack's name is Doctor Doktus," Gaignun explained.

"Thanks," Jr. answered. "Good to know. By the way, is it a pain in the ass to get to this class for you? 'cause I nearly died..." Little would Gaignun know that this was not an exaggeration.

"Actually," Gaignun explained, "I have home room and first class in the same room, so I didn't even have to move."

Jr.'s mouth dropped open and he looked back at him mortified. "Why is it so easy for YOU?"

"Because... you fail at life," Gaignun replied honestly, as he turned his attention to the book laid on his desk by the busty doctor. He looked at the cover and groaned. "Advanced biology," he muttered, flipping through the pages. "Look at all these graphs... this is going to involve math... I'm gonna have to kill you aren't I?"

"Huh?" Jr. snapped to attention. "What was that? I was kinda distracted by the teacher's outfit. What, do you think she forgot to wear pants or something?"

Gaignun let his head fall against his desk.

As Doctor Doktus reached the podium and cleared her throat to begin the first day's lesson, a sound was heard at the door. She raised an eyebrow over her dark glasses as some muffled words and shuffling in the hallway. She grimaced and opened the door to find two orange-haired students behind it, wrapped snugly into each other's arms and snogging fiercely. "A-hem," she coughed.

Canaan and Citrene pulled away from each other and straightened their clothes. Citrine's make-up was smeared all over the place and Canaan's hair was in disarray. Jr. and Gaignun watched in total horror as the two of them gave sneers to the teacher and sat down next to each other in two desks.

"Now that everyone seems to be here," Doktus started. "Maybe I can actually-"

Jr. cut her off right there and rose from his desk in a panic. "What the hell?" he shouted, and pointed his finger wildly at Citrine. "You aren't in the story for TEN MINUTES and you're already HOOKED UP?"

Citrine crossed her arms and turned her nose up. "So?"

"And weren't you two FIGHTING just two or three chapters ago?"

She scowled up at him. "I don't see your point."

Jr. turned his face up at the heavens (or the classroom ceiling, rather) with his arms outstretched in defeat and began to cry. "And I try for canon and I get bludgeoned nearly to death by a character that's supposed to have a mild personality? WHY, GOD? WHY?"

"It's because you fail at life," Citrine pointed out. Gaignun and Canaan nodded sagely in agreement.

Doktus got fed up with this distraction from her class time and smacked her industrial steel-coated meter stick into Jr.'s face firmly. "Would you sit down and shut the hell up already?"

Jr. rubbed his nose in agony and whimpered as he sat down. "Hey, that's not very in character..."

"A-hem," she coughed again while ignoring Jr., and took her position at the podium. "This is biology. I suggest that you all show up for class, seeing as how I judge grades mainly on... performance."

Jr. whispered to Gaignun, "Ya know, Miss Rack makes me really uncomfortable." This was firmly silenced as Doktus slapped her ruler onto his desk with a loud clatter, scaring the wits out of him.

"Math is torture for you isn't it?" she said, propping a leg on the desk in front of Jr.'s and leaning over threateningly. "Well, we're going to be using a lot of math in this course, and you're going to like it."

Jr. swallowed very hard. "Did you know," he laughed nervously, "that you didn't put any pants on this morning?"

KER-SMACK!

A little later... between first and second class.

Shion pranced down the hallway with her physics book in hand and her two androids on either side. She turned her chin up and grinned whenever someone looked her way. "I'm finally popular!" she sang to herself.

"Shion?" she heard a voice ask, as she reached her locker. She looked up to see Allen standing there beside her.

"Oh, hi Allen!" she chimed. "Have you met KOS-MOS and T-ELOS?"

"Yeah, uh... I was in the last class with you guys, remember?"

"They're foreign exchange students!" she continued, without listening. "They live with me and sleep in my bed and walk around my house in these tiny schoolgirl uniforms, aren't you jealous?"

"Um... not really," Allen replied hesitantly.

T-ELOS walked up to Allen and assaulted him with her chest, pushing him back a few steps with the mere force of her jugs. "U step off ho, dis my biatch."

"You don't intimidate me!" Allen sputtered back, trying to maintain his ground. "I understand what you're saying, I use AOL! You're not from Japan at all!"

"HAA!" T-ELOS snorted, and then winked at Allen suggestively. "U UNERSTUND! Wul ill let u liv cuz u r da only 1. But dis ho ish MY HAWTSHTUF an so ish dat angle biatch."

Allen returned this with an utterly confused stare. "Okay... you might have lost me there..."

KOS-MOS stepped in and gave both her evil counterpart and Allen a blank look. "Allen Ridgeley," she said plainly. "It is a pleasure to meet you."

Shion grabbed the androids each by the wrist and looked at them both suspiciously. "Now don't either of you go getting any funny ideas about impaling Allen! He's the only member of the Math and Science team that I have left after Kevin er... moved away."

"Kevin moved?" Allen asked. "So you two are uhh... not seeing each other anymore."

"Yeah, aha ha ha!" Shion laughed nervously. "You could say that our relationship is really uhh... dead. Well, we're still friends! Anyway, I'll see you at the first club meeting later this week alright?"

"Yes!" Allen responded eagerly. "And I thought this chapter was going to be all about Jr.! Oh, thank you! Is it to early in the story for me to confess my love?"

Shion had already made her way down the hallway.

"Riiiiight, seeya later."

Second class, Art.

Allen continued walking on the way to his next class. He had art as an elective this semester. The idea was to take a break from the regimen of meticulous study with something fun and creative. That might keep him from going totally insa-

"WAIT!" Allen then shouted, in the middle of the hallway, at no one. "Are you really going to do a whole scene from my perspective?"

Well sure Allen, the omnipotent third person doesn't really have any problem with you. Just relax.

"I-I'm sorry! This just doesn't happen a lot. I'll try to calm down."

Allen took a deep breath and walked into his class with plenty of time to spare before the bell rang. He sat down at one of the craft tables and-

"Hey, uh...?" Allen interjected, poking his forefingers together, a blush forming on his cheeks. "I hate to ask this but, do you think that maybe um... you could give me one of those really needlessly elaborate physical descriptions? I've never had one of those before..."

Allen then turned and realized that the girl sitting next to him was none other than Miyuki Itsumi.

"OH GOD! I'm sorry!" Allen said, begging the sky with his hands clasped. "I'll behave, I promise!"

Because the author was in a forgiving mood, Miyuki simply failed to notice Allen and went to her next class, none the wiser.

"Say," Allen said, rubbing his chin. "You don't have to may her leave if you think maybe it'd make a good pairing..."

Then Jr. entered, barely making it to class on time. "Aha!" he shouted at the class. "Not late!"

Allen stood up from his chair and looked up angrily. "Aw, you suck!" he shouted. "I was just trying to make a suggestion!"

"Yo, who are you talking to?" Jr. asked him.

"Nobody," Allen sobbed, collapsing to his desk. "Just leave me alone!"

An insanely cute teal-haired realian looked up from her seat and offered Jr. a box of cupcakes. "Hi, are you a senior? My name is Hundred Series, what's your name?"

"Well hey there cute little girl," Jr. answered, patting her on the head, and picking up a cupcake. "My name is Jr., and I am in fact a Senior. Now seeing as you haven't beaten me senseless yet, would you like to be my girlfriend?"

Allen jumped up again. "NOW YOU ARE JUST RUBBING IT IN!"

A young woman with a braided ring held in place on either side of her head spoke up above the class. "Would you all like to be seated?" she asked. "I'm Miss Roman, the art teacher."

"I'm liking this class," Jr. stated, munching on his cupcake. Which Allen did not receive.

"I know this is art class, but its a class just like any other," she said firmly. "You will have graded projects, tests, and homework." Then she cast a glance at Jr. "Except for you, because you're pretty to look at."

"Right on!" Jr. cheered. "I knew I didn't totally suck at life!"

Allen slumped in his chair. "God why..."