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Bastila’s Undoing and Random Conspiracies: Chapter Four
Disclaimer: See previous chapters.
URRGH! It's ALIVE!! BWAAAHAHAHAHAAA!! (continues to cackle madly)
“Yeah, so I totally told Jeanelle that she was, like, so rude to me, and, like, such a, like, bitch. She’s almost, like, as bad as, like, Revan, like, was, like. You know what I, like, mean? Oh my god, did you see what Brittany was wearing today? It, like, screamed ‘whore’! I know!!”
Revan cleared her throat impatiently. Malak spun his head around and scoffed while rolling his eyes.
“Yeah, I, like, gotta go Emily. My previous master is, like, here to fight me or, like, something. You should totally do my hair tomorrow for the dance! I know! Oh my god!” Revan cleared her throat again, most annoyed. “Right. Bye! TTYL!!” Malak pushed a button and set the phone down on the side table which was covered in My Little Pony ™ paraphernalia. It was quite disturbing. He jumped off the bed and flung the wig to the side.
“Ah, Revan. I knew you’d eventually make it this far!” He chuckled maniacally.
“You know,” Revan sighed. “After that whole tween girl conversation, coupled with that creepy blonde wig and skanky hot-pink dress you're currently wearing, you’re no longer very intimidating.” She shrugged and walked up to him. “And who the hell did your makeup? You look like a penny whore.”
Malak crossed his arms and scoffed. “Right. Like you could do any better.”
“Totally! Look at my makeup! Totally classic with the black eyeliner and smokey black eyeshadow! You can’t beat that with electric whore blue.” She pointed to a small case of eyeshadow which was labelled ‘Electric Whore Blue’. “I mean, what did you expect!? You look like Barbie™ on steroids, except more proportional.”
“Ugh! That’s it! You are TOTALLY going down!” Malak squealed angrily before storming off, wiggling his hips in a most disturbing manner. He got over to an elevator door, killed two random people, and left. “You can totally deal with my robots!”
“You didn’t follow my Bastila care instructions either, did you?? DID YOU!?” Revan shook her fist violently at the closed elevator doors, which flinched in ph3ar.
As soon as Malak had left, large robot-making machines started humming ominously. Revan looked around nervously. “Oh shit…” She pulled out her lightsaber as the machines got to work. Large bolts of lightning came down from them, producing robots. “The hell!?” Revan cried out. “How does that work!?” She heard little mechanical legs scraping against the metal of the floor, the sounds getting closer….and closer….and…
“KYAAAA!!” Revan spun around and chopped one of the robots in half. The huge mechanical Barney looked up at her, mechanical tears of oil in its eyes.
“I love you, you…..love…meeeee…” It went still as the last of its electricity drained out in flashing sparks. Revan cackled.
“I hate you Barney!! I’ll kill you!!” She began to cut through the huge swarm of Barney robots until she was literally wading through the wreckage.
“Why the hell do you keep coming!?” She screeched as she cut down five more. She took a quick look around the room and saw that every robot producing machine has its own console. “Oh. That.” She held her hand up and fried all of them instantaneously with Force Lightning. The Barney Plague was finally over. “Phew. On with the plot, which I’m not completely sure even exists! What am I doing here again?” She paused for a moment, scratching her head. “Right. Seizing the Star Fork. Fudge. Fondue.” She made her way over to the elevator and climbed in. “Hmm…up.” She pressed the corresponding pink fuzzy arrow and waited, impatiently tapping her foot. “Ugh. This is the worst elevator music I’ve ever heard.”
Old McDonald had a dog and Bingo was his name-o
B-I-NGO
B-I-NGO
B-I-NGO
And Bingo was his name-o!
She resorted to banging her head against the walls until the elevator came to a halt. The door glided open and Revan strode into the room, slightly disorientated and bleeding profusely from a deep flesh wound on her forehead. "I hope he doesn't mind all the blood in there...I don't think that'll ever come out of that sparkly Jessica Simpson brand shag carpet." Malak was sitting in a pink fuzzy chair, waiting for her. Thenkfully, he had changed back into his default Sith Lord garb. He got up and walked down to meet his nemesis, swishing his half-cape thing ominously.
“Ah, Revan. So we meet again. I didn’t think you were strong enough to beat my Barney army, but I guess I’ve underestimated you again.”
Revan smiled as she stood unsteadily. “Yeah. Um…yeah. Can I kill you now? I think I need a Band-Aid.”
Malak’s shoulders sagged. “You don’t want to hear my awesome speech of doom? I spent so long practicing it in front of the mirror…”
Revan shrugged. “I don’t want to hear it. Knowing you, it’s probably full of horrific grammatical errors of doom. And baldness. And jawlessness. And ‘Electric Whore Blue‘ eyeshadow. And-”
“ENOUGH!” Malak roared as he pulled out his red-bladed lightsaber. Revan pulled out hers and the fight began. And ended rather quickly, since Malak began to whine about a broken nail.
“Oh my god, you just GURK!” He fell to the ground after Revan had removed her blade from his midsection. He looked up at her. “It would seem that you’ve become the master once again, Revan.”
“Damn straight.” She smiled evilly. “Little do you know that this is just the beginning! I’m not a huge fuck-up like you, so I’m going to actually take over the galaxy! It’s a shame you won’t be alive to see it. No, wait, it’s not. Nevermind.” Revan shrugged and walked off, leaving Malak to die by himself. She was just about to burn the pink chair to ash when Carth randomly burst in, panting.
“Heh….heh…Revan…-GASP-…came as quickly….-huff puff-….as I could!”
“Oh! Hey Carth!” Revan smiled widely. “Did you come here to help celebrate the fact that the Star Fudge is now under new management? I have Twinkies and rootbeer!” She pulled a package of Twinkies out from somewhere in her robes and waved them about. “Deliciousness incarnate!” Carth’s face had gone ashen, and he looked quite disturbed.
“Wha-what do you mean, ‘new management’?”
Revan rolled her eyes as she took a bite out of a Twinkie. “New management, as in me. Dumbass. Just for that, you only get one Twinkie.” She scowled at him while poking at Malak’s corpse with a pointy stick. “And you have to go to bed at seven.”
Carth glared at her. “It’s already about ten at night.”
“Not in my galaxy it isn’t!” She snapped her fingers and a group of five spider-like robots appeared out of nowhere. “Take our guest to the guest room where the guests stay as guests. And lock the door. Many times.” She snapped her fingers again, and they dragged Carth off, who was still angry and confused at the current circumstances. Revan shrugged as she opened up another Twinkie. “I deserve this…HK!!” HK appeared out of nowhere, as was the custom in the Star Forge. “I want to see the rest of the crew of the Ebon Hawk up here in less than five minutes! And drag Bastila in here too. Just make sure her hands are tied and there’s duct tape over her mouth. I can’t stand her now that she’s turned so bloody emo.” Revan shook her head slowly. “He should have listened to me. She wouldn’t be so bad now if he had just given her a tub of Ben and Jerries and some of those pathetic romance novels.” She sighed, but perked up quickly. “Oh well. I gots mah pointy stick and mah Malak corpse! Time to have some good ol’ fashioned corpse poking fun!” With that, she walked over and started poking Malak’s eye. “Teehee!!”
She continued doing this for four more minutes, at which point she keeled over from blood loss due to the forgotten flesh wound on her forehead. HK-47 bounded back into the room, the entire crew (except Carth, of course), chained together and gagged, being dragged behind him.
"Exclamation: I found the pathetic meatbags you ordered me-...Master?"
"...gurk..."
"Statement: Master, I do not believe you have time to be keeled over from blood loss. Shall I put these meatbags in the same cell as the other, whiney orange one?"
"...urrrrrg..."
"Conjecture: I'll...do that then, Master."
"...gaaaaaaah..."
With that being decided, HK-47 dragged the others away, out of the room.
"...heeeeeelp..."