Chapter Eighteen: Repercussions

Aqualad

The elevator ride was torture. I was the only one in the tiny little room, forced to stare into my own eyes—whoever had designed the place had made the visitor elevator have mirrors on all four sides.

I was scared of my eyes—they were too knowing; the voice in my head was back and screaming orders in another language.

I slumped onto the floor of the damned box and leaned back against one of the paneled walls, trying to breathe. It was stupid, to be so shocked. But how could he say it so easily? Was he trying to make me more miserable?

And I just ran away again. I didn’t even let him finish—but what would the point of that be? As soon as he said ’I’m in love with you,’ the rest of it became a blur.

The elevator doors finally opened, but I froze in horror before I could move. It was only the second floor, and the person getting on was Bee.

She stepped inside and was reaching for the panel of buttons when she realized the other passenger was me. She spun on me as the doors slid shut, practically kicking me.

“Stand up!” she screamed. “Do you know how stupid it was coming here? I wasn’t too worried when the Tower seemed empty, but then you were really gone—and the sensors had said you’d gone into the Confiscated Items room? You know damn well that all of those cases are tagged in the security system, so what the hell were you doing with the case of guns?”

She grabbed my arm and forced me to stand when the doors on the first floor opened. She hauled me out, unnecessarily rough. As soon as we got outside, she shoved me away.

“Do you have it now?” she yelled. The area was empty—we’d gone out the back entrance. “What did you do with the gun?”

“It’s in the case,” I growled. “I didn’t shoot anyone.”

“Why did you come here, then? To visit Speedy? To make sure he was okay? And what were you going, sulking in the elevator like that?”

“I didn’t do anything.”

She frowned, her voice slightly quieter. “Did you talk to Speedy?”

I didn’t answer right away; her hand flew across my face, but the slap didn’t hurt.

“What did you say to him? You fucking—”

I shoved away from her, storming into the parking lot. “I didn’t say anything to him!”

“You are such a liar!” She grabbed my arm and yanked me back.

Something in my head snapped—I twisted out of her grip and turned it on her, shoving her against the brick side of the building. My arm was pressed against her throat while the other held both her hands.

“I DIDN’T DO A GODDAMN THING!” I roared, inches from her face. Her eyes turned from angry to frightened, but I pretended not to see. “Don’t fucking tell me what to do, okay? I came here to see him and that’s all! I didn’t even mean to talk to him! I was just going crazy not knowing how he was, and you didn’t call, or tell me!” I could feel my throat tightening and dropped my tone to a hiss. “Before, on the roof… I almost kissed him… And then I realized that I was fucking gay and it was all my fault that he was in the hospital and so I come here and expected to just make sure he was okay but he woke up and then confessed his fucking love for me, and then I all I did was run away—again!—and then you came along and started yelling at me!”

I took a breath and stumbled away from her, my vision blurring. I took three steps and then sank to the ground, unable to hold myself up anymore. “I know it’s all my fault… but what the hell am I supposed to do? You just wouldn’t let me fucking see him…”

After a moment, Bee knelt by my side, staring at me.

“And…” I said, closing my eyes, feeling tears streak down my face. “And when you guys left me all alone at the Tower, that’s when I went to get the gun… and I just held it there, almost pulling the trigger, ready to kill myself… and then I couldn’t, because I knew I had to apologize to Speedy before I died, and explain to him how much I deserved that bullet…”

I felt her arms around me, pulling me closer. I let my head fall onto her shoulder, shaking and pathetic.

“And on the elevator?” she asked, almost scared to know the answer.

I didn’t bother to lift my head. “I was trying to think of ways to die.”

“What?”

I shook my head, unable to speak for a minute.

“Aqualad, what do you mean…?”

“That bullet’s too good for me now,” I mumbled, pulling away. “I ran away—I felt him alone again.”

I looked at her for a moment, my eyes still blurry. But I could still see the tears brimming in her eyes.

She pulled me closer again, this time beginning to cry, holding onto the front of my sweatshirt like it was her only anchor. “I’m sorry,” she whispered between sobs. “I can’t believe… I should’ve let you… I’m so sorry…”

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