an-- i'm back. written at three am, so dont be too mean if it sucks.

Shattered Perfection
Chapter Ten--Sleeping Sickness

It wasn't that I didn't want to go home, in fact, home is the only place I actually feel safe. It's the fact that, every second that passed, and every minute that whirred by in a haze of yellow lines and mile markers brought me closer to admitting my defeat, my shame to the only people in the world that I had left. Truth be told, I was terrified. I didn't know what lay ahead, not what was coming at home, not what I would face in the coming months, nothing. My whole future is a mystery, and the only bit of solid ground I have left to stand on is a path I had hoped id never be forced to tread. Unfortunately, I was now walking it. The rape trial was coming closer and closer every day, and my stomach, though still not growing any bigger, held life within it, another being that id be held responsible for. It was all up to me now, and though I know that Bradin would forgo everything to help me along, I couldn't, I wouldn't let him give up his dreams for me. This isn't his fault, and I'm not going to make him suffer for it.

My brother is by far one of the most amazing men I’ve ever met. Yes, he's had his own struggles, and yes he's been known to fuck things up, but somehow, he always managed to pull through for me and Derrick when we needed him most. I can't think of a single time since mom and dad died that I wouldn't have had a shoulder to cry on if I had asked for it. Bradin would have been there, there's not a doubt in my mind about that. He's too much like our father to just let problems with us, the people he loves, to go un-solved. He's always been keyed into me in a way that no one else ever has. When we were kids, I used to be so scared of thunderstorms. I can remember being seven years old, and watching those thunderheads roll overhead with a low level terror buzzing just beneath my skin. I knew that at the first sight of lightening, I'd be running scared, with that tiny bud of fear in my veins sprouted into a full blown panic, and I knew that my brother would always be waiting with open arms. He always laughed at me when I snuggled into his bed at night, but that never stopped him from making room for my small body to snuggle in next to his, and it didn't keep him from singing me back to sleep. He was always so good at making me feel safe. Even now, at eighteen, I still get a little jittery at the sight of darkening skies. Bradin still laughs at me, and don't get me wrong, I'm a big girl now, I don’t have to crawl into his bed anymore, but, I know he'd probably still let me if I insisted, and that alone is enough to calm the fear. Just knowing he's always there if I need him for anything. He's still my big brother, my protector, and he has no idea how much he means to me.

He probably has no idea how proud I am of him either. He's grown so much in the past five years. He's a certified EMT, and he's doing his best to work his way through med school. He says he wants to be something worthwhile, someone who's going to make an impact on the world. He never gave up surfing either, he's constantly in the ocean. Paddling out whenever he can and taking on wave after wave with that same natural talent and ease he had at sixteen, only now, he's not such an ass about it.

He's stirring in my passenger seat, stretching slow and languidly like a cat as we enter the outskirts of Playa Linda. He’d slept most of the drive, and I don’t blame him. He’s been going full steam for the past few days, taking exams and flying between Kansas and California on cheap red eye flights, just to make sure that I didn’t fling myself off a bridge, or, more likely, slit my wrists while under the weight of all this constantly building pressure. I know I’ve scared him shitless lately, and I know he’s got to be worn thin. Guilt pools low in my stomach as I glance over at him, taking in his disheveled appearance with a long sigh. His deep blue Hurley tee-shirt is wrinkled, riding up a few inches to show the tanned stretch of his stomach below. He’s sprawled out as much as possible in his seat, his hips wriggled low and legs outstretched, with one knee bumping against the door handle, and the denim on the other grazing the knuckles of my right hand as it rests on the gear shift. His blonde hair is dark and dirty, he probably didn’t have time for a shower before he had to catch his flight last night, and his eyes are dull green and rimmed with shadow. He looks haunted, battle worn, and weary. He’s tense, I can see it in the tight line of his shoulders, but when he looks up at me and smiles, it’s bright and gentle--Bradin through and through.

“Nik? Where are we? God I feel like I haven’t slept in weeks, ‘m sorry, sis, I know im shitty company.”

I cant help but smile, his voice is thick and slurred with sleep, dripping with pure exhaustion, and yet, he’s apologizing to me for not being entertaining? Only Bradin.

“We’re just inside the city limits, and don’t you dare apologize. You’re here aren’t you? Besides, the occasion isn’t one that calls for piñatas and cake. Damn. Looks like you’re off the hook, and here I was so looking forward to putting you in a clown suit.” I let myself be sarcastic with him, my voice going airy and joking before I dropped it low again into what I only hoped could be construed as a soothing tone. “Go back to sleep bro, you look like Hell. I’ll wake you when we get there.”

Sensing the edge of fear in my voice, Bradin reached over and took my hand, squeezing it firmly in his own before letting them come both come to rest between us.

“It’ll be alright Nikki, I promise. I’ve got you. I‘m not gonna let you fall on your ass here. I mean, I probably have before, but seriously, trust me.” I nod in his direction, catching his eye briefly, and toss him a small, tight lipped smile.

“I know Bray, I know. Now no more talking from you, mister. Sleep before I have to find something and knock you out myself.”

He grinned, mumbling something that sounded a lot like “best little sister ever.” before letting his eyes slip closed once again.

He was asleep just seconds later.

~*~

The rest of the drive was silent, save for Bradin’s soft snoring, and we pulled into Aunt Ava’s forty-five minutes later without a hitch. I shook Bradin awake as gently as I could, unable to conceal the trembling of my voice as I spoke.

“Come on Bray, wake up. We’re here. Time to go suffer my own personal Hell.”

He probably would have laughed if the situation wasn’t so serious. Both of us knew that we were about to walk into a horrible situation, one that, more than likely would cause bloodshed. Aunt Ava was going to have a shit fit, and Johnny, like my brother, would probably be murderous. Derrick, the youngest of us Westerly’s, is only thirteen, so there’s no telling how he’ll react. With any luck, he’ll be disgusted. That way, he’ll be out of range of whatever bomb is bound to drop and ripple like a tidal wave through the adults in the family. That’s the last thing I need right now, to cause a bout of psychosis in my younger brother.

Bradin held me tightly against him as we made our way up the drive, his stance protective, as he curled his entire body as far around me as he could, seemingly trying to shield me from the world entirely.

“Bradin, the boogie man isn’t hiding behind the trashcans. You don’t have to be a human suit of armor, as flattering as it is, its not necessary.”

“Shut up Nikole and walk.” I gasped at the use of my full name. He was serious, and I could tell from the slight tremor of his body against my own, that my big brother was just as terrified as I was. Ironic, huh? Two fully grown siblings clutching each other like the scared little kids we are. Apparently, age means nothing when it comes to fear.

“You don’t think he’s here do you? I mean.. he wouldn’t.” Bradin’s grip around me tightened reflexively as he spoke, his actions equal parts protective and angry. My blood chilled in my veins, and it took everything I had in my body to keep moving forward, in fact, I’m pretty sure Bradin basically carried me the few remaining feet to the front of the house.

“I’m scared.” I said, burying my face in his shoulder as he knocked on the wood of the white french doors.

“I know you are Nik, I know you are. But I’m here, and I won’t let you go. You can do this Kiddo, you can.” He whispered in my ear, his right hand playing with a curl that rested on my shoulder as we waited for any sign of moment from inside the house.

“You promise?”

“I promise you Nikki.”

Colby answered the door a few short moments later, with swatches of fabric thrown across his shoulder haphazardly in several different shades of purple. Must be an indecisive day for the owner of Ava G fashions. Colby smiled at the sight of us, pulling me and Bradin, who was still holding tight to my waist, into a hug with an elaborate flourish.

“Ava, darling. Come see what the cat drug in.” He called over his shoulder, as he pulled out of the hug and ushered us into the living room with an excited bounce. I’d missed him, and his flamboyant, crazy attitude, and I couldn’t resist giggling at him as he beckoned for my aunt once again, this time, in a higher, more obnoxious tone.

She appeared at the stairs seconds later, looking just as disheveled as Colby had when he answered the door. “ I swear to God, Colby, if Jesus isn’t sitting on that couch, I’ll..” She trailed off as she caught sight of my brother and I, “BRADIN! NIKKI! Colby, I take that back. I won’t kick your ass. What are you guys doing here? Nikki you look gorgeous. Bradin why the hell are you not in Kansas? Didn’t you have exams this week?”

I could tell she was worried, even in her excitement. It shone through in her voice, much like, I was sure the fear would soon shine through in my own. She moved to hug me, but stopped short, seeing the death grip Bradin and I had on each other, as we huddled together in the center of the couch.

“Nikki, what’s going on? Are you okay?” Her face visibly crumbled, the smile slipping off her features effortlessly only to be replaced with a perplexed frown. My stomach churned, and I couldn’t meet her eyes, so I kept them glued on the rich mahogany of the coffee table as I spoke.

“No. I’m, I’m not okay. Is Johnny here? We need to talk.”

“No, he’s out with Susannah looking for Jay. He got into a pretty bad fight with Erika the other night, and no one’s seen him since. Come to think of it, he’s been off for a while now. I have no idea what’s gotten into him. Anyway, I’ll call Johnny, okay? Do you want Susannah here too?”

I nodded weakly, pressing myself as far as I could into Bradin’s side as I fought back a wave of nausea. Tears streaked down my cheeks from my cinched eyes, and Bradin brushed them away with the pad of his thumb. I was vaguely aware he was saying something too me, but his words never once registered as anything more than background noise to the one thought I had screaming like a banshee in my head.

Not Erika too.