|Evans' Naughty Book
Author: Squashes PM
Chaos, covert missions, and cutting remarks follow James Potter's wondrous discovery of Evans' rather colourful novel.Rated: Fiction T - English - Romance/Humor - James P. & Lily Evans P. - Chapters: 5 - Words: 11,652 - Reviews: 176 - Favs: 80 - Follows: 119 - Updated: 12-05-06 - Published: 03-23-06 - id: 2858859
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
This chappie is a bit different from the rest, but I hope you enjoy it all the same. Another one is on its heels, but (unfortunately) I can't promise anything, being so naturally dilatory and all. Wish I was a robot. Then I could get these done like that.
As always, thank you to those who take the small amount of time to review. It means a lot.
The Allknowing Tonks
keykeeper11- 100th REVIEWER!
Where we last left off…
James bent his head closer in disbelief as if to prove that yes, he really was reading In order to procure the utmost amount of pleasure, one should first place…James froze in horror as each event quickly clicked in place. The find, the fight, the escape…no wonder his fellow Marauders hadn't chased after him! He frantically flipped to the inside of the front cover and confirmed his worst fears. Only Sirius would write his name on the inside of a dirty how-to guide.
"That bloody wanker!"
The Great Compromise
Penned by Ms. Lily Evans' Quick Quill, dictated by Mr. James Potter and Ms. Lily Evans
1) The Book, one Love Regressed, shall not be touched, read, and/or fondled by Mr. Potter unless it is in transit to the hands of its rightful owner, Ms. Evans
a. Mr. Potter would like to add that he would never do such a dirty thing as fondle a book. He prefers living flesh.
b. Ms. Evans is of the opinion that Mr. Potter resembles the firecrab feces that currently soils her favorite pair of shoes.
c. Mr. Potter suggests that Ms. Evans really should try to get along with him, as he is the key to the return of her book. And her chastity belt.
2) Any arguments, disagreements, and general negative conduct shall be postponed until aforementioned novel is recovered
a. Ms. Evans finds this rule quite improbable, as she cannot possible work with such a pig as Potter without later reeking of swine.
b. Mr. Potter asserts that Ms. Evans has just violated the Great Compromise's second rule, and therefore, as punishment, shall be locked in Mr. Potter's quarters.
c. Ms. Evans claims that her comment is of no regard, as the Rules have not yet been signed or completed, making Mr. Potter's punishment void. Just like his mind.
d. Mr. Potter is a bit miffed by the obstinate and recalcitrant behavior of Ms. Evans, and he fears that Ms. Evans is incapable of working with anyone who isn't her.
e. Ms. Evans is inclined to strongly disagree with Mr. Potter and encourages his focus to remain on the acquiring of the item in need.
3) Both parties will work tirelessly to recapture the Book, even if it means the committing of immoral acts, such as lying to authorities, fellow classmates, and family, defamation of others' character, theft of necessary items from professors' hidden hordes, and having intercourse with said teachers to prevent them from noticing the lack of necessary items from their hidden hordes
a. Ms. Evans proclaims her disgust at such perverse disrespect.
b. Mr. Potter opines that the third rule should not be difficult for him, but he worries that Ms. Evans will later be charged with breaking the set Rules, as she is a goody-too-shoes.
c. Ms. Evans declares that Mr. Potter is a chauvinistic pig, and that it is absurd that he is proud of giving up his eternal soul for a few moments of immediate gratification.
d. Mr. Potter replies that he likes immediate gratification very much, thank you, and that he feels better when he can actually see the reward he reaps after all his hard work, rather than realizing ten years too late that all he got for slaving maniacally away at ridiculous assignments for seven years was a dusty cubicle and a few free drinks down at the pub.
e. Ms. Evans wonders if those rewards could be the multiple rashes and/or erupting boils on the bodies of Mr. Potter's broomcloset witches. Or wizards.
f. Mr. Potter speculates that Ms. Evans hasn't even seen the inside of a broom closet, and that her current position on the matter will remain as it is for the rest of her lonely, bitter life.
g. Ms. Evans is reluctant to remind Mr. Potter that it was not she whom spewed the deepest desire to touch other men, but feels that it is necessary at this point in time.
4) The sight of Mr. Potter performing a flamboyant romantic scene from one of the many scandalous books that surrounded him will forever be sealed behind the lips of Ms. Evans' mouth
a. Ms. Evans claims that it doesn't matter; there's only so much time before the rest of the wizarding community discovers that Mr. Potter is frolicking on the other side of the rainbow.
b. Mr. Potter brings up the fact that it is Ms. Evans that owns a novel of pornographic proportions, which she reads at night.
c. Ms. Evans protests that the novel was a gift and that she is obligated to complete it.
d. Mr. Potter remarks that no doubt Ms. Evans reads the book with her arms under the covers, despite the difficulty this creates when the need arises to turn the well-worn pages.
5) No mention of the existence or content of Ms. Evans' book will be made by Mr. Potter; if someone makes a query about, he is to promptly see to the problem
a. Mr. Potter is assuming that Ms. Evans is suggesting that he hex/murder/have intercourse with the said questioner.
b. Ms. Evans once again proclaims her disgust at Mr. Potter's iniquitous being and states that she refuses to continue the drafting of the Great Compromise until her partner acquires manners that are better than a raging chimpanzee's.
c. Mr. Potter was not aware that they were partners; he puts into question his current benefit plan, and stresses that it should include the company of the perpetually pleasant Ms. Evans, and wonders if she, as his partner, will be sleeping in the same bunk as he.
6) There will be no physical contact between Mr. Potter and Ms. Evans unless it is in the form of assisting the other, and only when the other is in dire need of such help
a. Mr. Potter is led to believe that assisting Ms. Evans into his arms is perfectly legal.
b. Ms. Evans would like to point out that she has no terrible need to contract a deadly disease, and that Mr. Potter's constant come-ons are really quite tiresome.
c. Mr. Potter asks if Ms. Evans is aware that she is being followed around by a large, black, angry cloud.
7) Conversation between the two accomplices is limited to the current whereabouts of the Book, the present location of the Book's thieves, the best plan of action, and any other miscellaneous details that pertain only to the return of the Book
a. Mr. Potter submits a request that this rule be excluded for reasons he cannot at this time disclose.
b. Ms. Evans will consider, but only if Mr. Potter has a valid cause for his plea.
c. Mr. Potter cannot abide to the seventh rule for religious purposes.
d. Ms. Evans scoffs at this ridiculous attempt at an excuse; if, horror upon horror, Mr. Potter ever produced children, they'd have hooves.
e. Mr. Potter cannot abide to the seventh rule for personal reasons.
f. Ms. Evans is beginning to become inclined to the rejection of this request on the grounds of disestablished blitherings.
g. Mr. Potter cannot abide to the seventh rule due to certain hygienic intent.
h. Ms. Evans begins to tire of such paltry excuses and demands that Mr. Potter reveal the true source of his adamant refusal.
i. Mr. Potter resignedly announces that he sees no point in reducing the conversation between them to such a provincial list. He continues on to say that Ms. Evans may unknowingly break the set law, hyperventilate, and become catatonic.
j. Ms. Evans will do no such thing, and does not see why Mr. Potter would even care.
k. Mr. Potter is now concerned that Ms. Evans does not believe that he has her best interest in mind.
l. Ms. Evans never thought Mr. Potter to be so bright.
m. Mr. Potter remains against the addition of this rule, and feels that if the need arises, he shall be forced to break it.
n. Ms. Evans assures Mr. Potter that the need to speak to her about anything that does not pertain to the current situation will not ever arise.
o. Mr. Potter is of the mind to remain optimistic.
8) In the event that any part of the Great Compromise is broken without the mutual consent of both parties, the punishment will be severe.
a. Mr. Potter finds this statement ominous but very, very vague.
b. Ms. Evans promises him that the consequences will remain with him all his piteous existence.
c. Again, Mr. Potter finds this statement ominous but very, very vague.
d. Ms. Evans is of the opinion that Mr. Potter should use his imagination and consider the loss of all that is dear to him.
e. Mr. Potter wonders if he will have to repeat himself again.
f. Ms. Evans declares that working with Mr. Potter is much like trying to fit a square block into a round hole, and that his punishment will be to daily confess his nastiest thoughts to the Professor McGonagall.
g. Mr. Potter is aghast at the devilish mind that is contained in Ms. Evan's lovely cranium but questions how she will successfully enforce this sentence on him.
h. Ms. Evans reminds Mr. Potter that she excels at Charms.
i. Mr. Potter reminds Ms. Evans that he excels at everything.
j. Ms. Evans revises her first statement. Working with Mr. Potter is worse than a square block and round hole; it is akin to rubbing one's hand across a cheese grater.
k. Mr. Potter has decided to take over the reigns of rule-making due to Ms. Evans' violent and somewhat unstable mind.
l. Ms. Evans claims that Mr. Potter's ridiculous behavior has driven her to that, and she is not at fault for anything said or done in his presence.
m. Mr. Potter hesitatingly recommends that the punishment for breaking the law be left in the hands of the other collaborator.
n. Ms. Evans is surprised to find herself agreeing with Mr. Potter.
o. Mr. Potter enquires if it would be presumptuous to assume that Ms. Evans would also agree to a date.
p. Ms. Evans suggests that all possible rules have been established, and that it would be best to sign the document.
q. Mr. Potter asserts that he hadn't pinned Ms. Evans for a coward.
r. Ms. Evans strongly suggests that the document be signed immediately.
s. Mr. Potter is still waiting for an answer.
t. Ms. Evans believes that it would be in Mr. Potter's best interest to sign the bloody paper before she does something she will have to find an alibi for.
u. Mr. Potter would like to excitedly point out that they've finally made it to the letter 'u'.
v. Ms. Evans doesn't want to lie in court.
w. Mr. Potter is very pleased; they are to 'w'!
x. Ms. Evans refuses to continue this discussion with such a buffoon.
y. 'Y'! 'Y'! 'Y'!
z. Ms. Evans is finished. She is signing, and no, she won't go out with Mr. Potter.
aa. Mr. Potter is nearly beside himself; he didn't realize that a double 'a' existed.
ab. Ms. Evans demands that Mr. Potter stop this foolishness immediately, as this document was supposed to look official. Now it just looks officially ridiculous with all these barmy doubles.
ac. Mr. Potter is of the opinion that he doesn't want it to stop.
ad. Ms. Evans verbalizes her strong feelings at this time and demands that Mr. Potter cross out these nonsensical comments instantly.
ae. Mr. Potter asserts that it is Ms. Evans' Quick Quill; she should stop it. He also wisely points out that crossing it out would ruin the official appearance of this formal manuscript.
af. Ms. Evans readily ignores Mr. Potter's comments and reaches for the delightful Quick Qui-
I agree with all above rules and regulations and shall follow them, or suffer the consequences.
Lillian S. Evans, Slayer of Prats
James G. Potter, Casanova of Flowers
In the next chapter, Remus and Sirius discover just how vivid descriptions can be and how to deal with the resulting blindness. Braille, anyone? And as always, please let me know if there are any grammatical errors and so on (like, is this format difficult to read?).
I've hatched myself a batch of baby Sasquatches. They are easily provoked. I am easily provoked. You know the drill.