A/N- I have ER season 3 and just watched this particular episode. Please review and tell me what you think.

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I glance up at Dr.Doyle as she speaks;

"The victim;" She pauses to stare down at the beeper again; " It's Gant."

"Sweet Jesus!" I cry out, my body feels like it's stone, I can't move from shock but I know I have too. I can't let Gant die on my table. We all spring into action at once, each shocked but trying to force ourselves to work, work like this is just any other patient. That way we wont make mistakes in desperation to get Gant to survive.

Benton is shouting at me about the procedure I'm doing then. I'm trying my best I really am, trying to keep my mind concentrated on what I'm doing instead of how horrible this whole situation is right now. Finally I can't help but snap back at Benton;

"I'm trying, I'm trying!"

Finally I get the procedure right but it's no use. Gan't heart has stopped and it's up to the pressure paddles to get him back. Dr. Weaver does that and as she shouts out charges I can feel myself sinking away from the scene. The voices become but background noise now and I can't feel any thing but this great wave of saddness penetrate my body. I don't know how long I was like that, caught up in the moment but then I hear Weaver say three words that I would never have thought she'd ever say about Gant;

"Time of death, two eighteen am."

I have to get out of here, away from this whole room, away from this hospital. I run out, my mind racing and my eyes filling up with tears. This is not happening, this is not happening I tell myself but my mind forces me to see this for what it really is, Gan't dead. Dr. Gant is dead.

The snow blinds me and for a moment I have to stop and get my bearings. Somehow I have reached the train station, the metal steps lead up to the platform and my feet lead me there without my consent. At the top step I take a deep breath, the platform is empty. No one wants to risk being out in this horrible weather. As I step closer to the platform a train comes hurtling by and I close my eyes to keep out the images that come flooding to my mind.

The trauma room, Gan't body, the paramedic saying that there had been two eye witnesess;

" One said he jumped, the other said he tripped"

Suicide or just an accident? I want to believe it's all an accident, that Gant slipped and fell onto the tracks but for some reason I can't believe that. His face comes into my mind and the sadness portrayed on it as Benton shouted at him in the cafeteria, the ultimate humiliation. Then Gant's face when he was being told off again by Dr.Anspaugh and I had agreed to it, said that in the circumstances Dr. Benton hadn't been wrong. When I had seen Gant sat on the stairs I had felt like I had turned my back on him, like I had stabbed him in the back in some way. I aplogized, trying to take away this feeling that I had done him wrong."John, we're cool." He had said and I had believed it.

As I stand here in the snow, my hands freezing, I start to feel guilt which brings forth more tears to my face. I had been avoiding him, doing anything but talking to him.All because I didn't want to hear about his girlfriend, what sort of a friend cant be there for their friend? I can't believe that i could have done such a mean thing, not being a friend when he needed one. Two people pass behind me and I catch snatches of their conversation;

" I heard tell he fell." " Oh no;" The second one says; " It was suicide, some kid couldn't handle life."

I start to run again, back down the steps and out into the street. I stop suddenly in the road, a car stopping close to my legs. A angry driver hops out;

"What the hell do you think your doing!"

I start running again, taking back alleys to get home so I don't run into anyone I know. Greene is probably looking for me, he's been looking out for me since I started. I can't handle to see him or anyone else right now, not yet.

My apartment isn't far, the apartment I share with Gant. That's not right, I can't go back there knowing that Gant is gone. I stop suddenly again, there's only one place I really feel like going right now and I start out to there, hoping to dear god that she is there, that she can offer me a shoulder to cry on.

Her car is there and I rush up the front steps and search for her name on the bell list. Dr. Keaton. I ring it, once, twice and again until I hear her voice come over the intercom;

"Carter, is that you?"

I can feel the wave of sadness wash over me again and I stumble to keep my footing as I slide down the wall and onto the snowy steps with my mind racing and my tears falling fresh and fast down my cold face. I feel Keaton wrap a blanket round my shoulders and then her sitting down beside me with her arm round my shoulders. The snow gets a little heavier as we sit there, neither of us feeling the cold really at all, both just thinking, thinking about a good doctor who lost his life today.