Disclaimer: Not mine. And sorry about the lists if they're confusing, but they took me ruddy ages!

Letter from James Potter to Lily Evans

Saturday, 13th August, 1977

My Lily,

I assume you're in Beatrice's house now? I didn't address it to her house specifically, just to you. My owl will find you anyway, he's really clever. He is my owl after all, which automatically makes him the best owl in the world. His name is The Owl, if you’re wondering, which I think is an ironic and funny name for an owl. It’s quite brilliant, actually, almost as nice as your owl’s name.

Somebody has a dirty mind, Evans! I never mentioned sleeping together in the naughty way, just sleeping, in separate beds, in separate rooms. You’re the one who started on about intercourse. Not that I’d mind that, obviously. Sharing is caring, as they say. I should also add that the worm is very offended that you called him disgusting. At least, he would be if he weren’t dead.

Anyway, my Head Girl, school starts again in nineteen days! I don't think I can wait that long, however. I'm dying to see you. If I were to suggest a visit to Diagon Alley on Friday, what would you say in response? The lads and I will be going then, and I’ll be bringing Algernon, who I know you’re missing. Write back and let me know. You can give me those hugs you owe me in such abundance.

Love,

JP x

Letter from Lily Evans to James Potter

Sunday, 14th August, 1977

Potter,

I am in Beatrice’s house. Your owl arrived about a half hour after I did and landed right on top of my knickers. I can only assume that this is because your owl is exactly like you. That would, by default, mean that he is far from being the best owl in the world. I think my own is much better. He never goes scratching around in your underwear, does he? I have trained him well, and he is now a respectable, loveable little creature, even if his name is James. You named him before I got the chance! Not that I don’t appreciate the Christmas present, or anything, but I would have given him a much nicer name than James. Like vomit-face, for instance, except that I’m lying about that and I absolutely adored the name James until the day I met you. I kind of like it again now, actually. Don’t tell anyone.

I checked with Beatrice and Friday is fine. Where in Diagon Alley would you like to meet and at what time? How many hugs exactly do I owe you?

Lily x

PS. I don’t want to share a bed with you!

Letter from James Potter to Lily Evans

Monday, 15th August, 1977

Lily Grace Evans,

You owe me seventy-three hugs, thus far.

It is my sad duty to inform you that Algernon, evidently jealous because you love your owl more than you love him, tired to attack James, but I held him back and he escaped mercifully unharmed. He’s sitting in a pile of my underwear now, calming himself down. Like her owner, he seems to want to situate himself in my pants. As a thank you for that act of heroism (my manly rescue of your owl), you owe me a kiss on the cheek. You won’t be getting James back until you agree to it. Consider it a ransom of sorts.

We’ll meet you in Fortescue’s at about one, if that is fine and dandy with you.

James xxxxxxx

PS. You’d better get used to the idea of sharing a bed with me if we’re going to be married

Letter from Remus Lupin to Lily Evans

Monday, 15th August, 1977

Lily,

How have you been? Congratulations on making Head Girl! I knew you would be picked for it.

Firstly, don’t worry about the Head Boy scenario, I don’t mind at all. In fact, it’s heartening to think that my friends have so much faith in me. I can’t believe that I find myself saying this, but I think that James is an excellent choice for Head Boy. He’s intelligent, respected by most of the other students, knows how to take the initiative, and a natural leader. Of course, he’s still a miscreant who acts like an idiot, but he wouldn’t be James if he wasn’t, so I don’t think it matters. Sirius is mocking him quite a bit about it, but I suspect that he is actually quite proud of him. I gave him the biggest cookie in the box you sent and he put a preserving charm on it and put it in his bedside table, along with your letters. I’m starting to worry about him a little, to be honest.

On the subject of your cookies, they were absolutely delicious. I ate half, hid the rest and returned to my hiding spot the next day to find that Sirius had hunted them down and eaten them. He has a very keen sense of smell. Don’t ask me how I know that.

James tells me that you agreed to meet us in Diagon Alley on Friday. That’s good; it will be nice to see you again. You and Beatrice, I mean. That’s nice about her parents, although I can see why she wouldn’t think that. Anyway, I think James said something about Fortescue’s, but he had mashed potato in his mouth at the time, so it was difficult to decipher what he was saying.

Until Friday then,

Remus

Letter from Lily Evans to James Potter

Tuesday, 16th August, 1977

James,

Let me get this straight. I owe you seventy-three hugs and a kiss on the cheek? That is not happening, unless, of course, you can list seventy-four reasons, which you can’t, so Lily has the last laugh (and talks in third person, oddly enough).

Give me my owl back, you ruffian!! Merlin knows what scary and uncouth experiments you are conducting on him right now. I don’t think Algernon will be too happy to hear that you accused him of trying to eat my owl, either. He is not the jealous type. You on the other hand, are completely different. As sad as it is, I can easily believe that you would grow jealous of an owl whom you purchased and named yourself, just because I might be fond of him. Which I am, by the way. I love James.

By the way, I have it on good authority (i.e. Remus) that you talk with your mouth full, which is another reason not to procreate with you, Potter. No child of mine will be taught disgusting table manners by a ratty-haired father.

I want James sent back right away, and Friday at one sounds fine,

Lily x

Letter from Lily Evans to Remus Lupin

Tuesday, 16th August, 1977

Hello Remus!

I’m absolutely fantastic, how are you feeling?

I agree with you about James. He’ll be a great Head Boy, albeit a scary, obsessive-stalker type one. A great one, nevertheless. That is slightly alarming about the cookie; it really is better off being eaten, and not worshipped like some sort of edible Buddha statue. Perhaps Potter just supports the preservation of biscuits, or something. One never knows what queer freak may enter his head at any given time.

See you on Friday,

Lily

Letter from James Potter to Lily Evans

Wednesday, 17th August, 1977

To Lily,

I’m sorry, but you asked for it.

You owe me seventy-three hugs and a kiss because:

1. I love you.

2. You’re the most beautiful girl alive. The goddess Diana herself would pale in comparison to you. And as you are quite pale, that’s saying something.

3. I’m actually going to bother writing out seventy-four reasons. Who else would do that?!

4. I tried to drown myself in dishwater for you. If nothing else, it proves that I do household chores. Why else would I be near dishwater? Ergo, I’m good husband material.

5. Drowning ones self in a dish basin is a traumatizing experience. I need your calming touch.

6. I’ve spent one hundred and two Galleons on gifts for you in the past, many of which you refused and/or threw away/at my head. Apart from the owl, because that would just be needless animal cruelty. I believe you owe me some form of apology. That eagle feather quill was sharp, I still bear the marks.

7. I could be worse.

8. On the other hand, I couldn’t get any better if I tried.

9. I’m Head Boy, and if we put up a united front, it could only benefit the student body in general. There are many reasons for this, none of which I can think of at this present moment.

10. Our children would be gorgeous, brainy, good at Quidditch, and possibly so phenomenal that they would save the wizarding world from Voldemort or something like that, due to an excess of amazing genes. Not to mention the sexy hair they’d inherit.

11. I'm offering the world the gift of my procreation and deserve proper compensation. From you. In the form of procreation-related activities.

12. My fantastic facial features alone are a reward. And I’m alliterative.

13. My correspondence has whiled away many hours of your time during which you would otherwise be bored.

14. The school year is a tough time, it’s always busy with things to do, read, write and see. All I ask is for you to slow down, take a chance, and hopefully find something in me that's worth you time. Go for it, what have you got to lose?

15. Peter came up with number fourteen, and I wrote it down because it’s so bad, it’s funny. I knew it would make you laugh, and I love to make you laugh. Savvy?

16. You’re an Aquarius and I’m an Aries. It’s just right. And alliterative.

17. I’ll allow you to name our first born.

18. You know what would be a great name for our first born? James.

19. Do you remember that day that you misplaced one of those amethyst earrings your grandmother gave you and I searched all over the school for it? That was a selfless act. I missed Quidditch practice that day. That’s proof that I don’t just do things for my own gratification. It was for you, because when you’re happy, I’m happy. Doesn’t that merit a hug?

20. Come to think of it, that kind of was for my own gratification, but only because you have such a spectacular smile and I can’t help but feel uplifted when you direct it at me.

21. Your Mummy loves me.

22. Your Dad doesn’t, but you have to rebel against at least one of your parents.

23. I bet I’m better looking than your sister’s boyfriend. You could rub it in her face.

24. Dumbledore’s a smart man, even though he’s a bit barmy. He paired us up as Head students. What does that tell you??

25. I can cook a really fantastic roast chicken dinner. Just throwing that out there…

26. I bet the absurdity and desperation of this list is making you laugh. Don’t you want a man who can make you laugh?

27. I sent you Dr. Hackenbush, and although you two have forged a strong bond, his loyalty remains with me. So if you don’t, he won’t love you anymore.

28. If you don’t, I’ll perform Hari-Kiri.

29. Or self-Immolation

30. Or Sallekhana, even.

31. It took me ages to research those suicide methods. That shows determination, resourcefulness, and slight insanity. What more could you want?

32. I have to live with Sirius.

33. I have to put up with frequent jibes from Sirius about how pathetic I am, and how I’m fighting a lost cause.

34. Being told that one is fighting a lost cause twelve times a day can get a man down.

35. And I know you wouldn’t let your beloved James sink into a depression.

36. You wouldn’t let me sink into a depression because you’re a kind, caring, compassionate person, with nice legs.

37. How many other blokes would be romantic enough to write countless love-letters to the object of their affections?

38. If you don’t, I’ll have to flee the country in shame, and then who else will write you amusing/romantic letters? We’ve already established that no one else will.

39. So you’ll be lonely and bored, and you’ll start looking for things to do.

40. For example, you could become a Kleptomaniac and start stealing things from Honeydukes, just because you miss the thrill that opening my letters used to give you.

41. Or you could sit up at night worrying about me, and slowly but surely begin to suffer from insomnia.

42. This could result in either, A) You’d get arrested, and I couldn’t bear to think of Dementors besmirching your pretty little soul.

43. or B) You’d get bags under your eyes. And no one wants premature bags, do they?

44. Remus thinks it’s a good idea. Did you know that? Remus is really clever. Really, really clever. His judgment is not to be faulted. He’s a wise old wolf.

45. That’s not to say that Remus would be better boyfriend material than me. I’m not talking him up to you or anything. Leave Remus out of this!

46. If all else fails, and I never do get to call you my girlfriend, at least I can always hold on to the memory of being kissed on the cheek by Lily Evans.

47. Imagine if I didn’t even have that? Can’t you just picture me, in a little flat, all on my own, dying of a broken heart.

48. Could you really live knowing that you were the cause of my death??

49. You just have to, Evans. No other girl could ever measure up to you. I’ll be celibate forever if you don’t.

50. Thus, robbing the world of the gift that is my offspring.

51. Thus, you’ll go from being universally loved to being universally hated.

52. And you’ll have to hide in your house all alone.

53. Which means you’ll never get to go on a date, so you’ll remain celibate forever too.

54. I have a really bad hand cramp right now.

55. And yet I am carrying on regardless.

56. I’m very well endowed. Down there.

57. I held a door open for you on the last day of term.

58. I picked up your mother’s handbag on the last day of term too. It could have been stolen. By a Kleptomaniac. You see how bad Kleptomania is for you?

59. I’d play with your hair for you every night if we got married. I know how having your hair played with helps you sleep sometimes.

60. We both like treacle tart. That right there is a sign from Merlin himself that we are meant to be. Merlin himself, Lily!

61. I’m just the right height for you. Just tall enough to be able to protect you from nasty evils and rest my chin on your head when I hug you; but not so tall that I strain my neck trying to kiss you.

62. I love you. Can I use that one twice? It is a fairly powerful statement, after all. I would also like to add that I love you for who you are, and I wouldn’t change a thing about you.

63. Well, I’d change one thing, I’d have you love me in return.

64. If you don’t take me, some other poor girl might have to suffer being married to me, and I’d make her life hell because she isn’t you.

65. Lily and James just sounds good, doesn’t it?? Imagine: ‘You are cordially invited to the wedding of Lily and James…’

66. I’ve spent two hours on this list so far.

67. I didn’t make any spelling mistakes in this list.

68. I actually checked the list three times to ensure that I didn’t make any spelling mistakes.

69. Do you have any idea how hard it was to think of seventy-four reasons?? I’m going to have a migraine after this.

70. Migraines aren’t very nice, yet I would suffer one just for you.

71. You love me. It’s true. You said ‘I love James’ in your last letter.

72. I’m holding your owl hostage and you’re just not getting him back until you do.

73. Peter is really, really hungry…

74. You know you want to.

Regarding my table manners, I only talked because Remus asked me a question at the time, and it would have been rude not to answer him, lest he think I was ignoring him. So really, I’m very polite, and our son (little James) will be too. Can’t you imagine him, sitting at the table, with windswept hair and sparkling green eyes, stuffing mashed potato into his mouth?

James Lancelot Potter, esq.

P.s. (and that’s seventy-four kisses)

Letter from Lily Evans to James Potter

Thursday, 18th August, 1977

James,

I seriously regret asking for it.

1. I love Beatrice, but I’m not about to snog her, am I?

2. The goddess Diana may have been very pale, therefore it would not be difficult. I find your obvious confusion between literal and figurative endlessly amusing. And no Potter, I’m laughing at you, not with you.

3. You need to get out more. Or seek help. I’ll send you the number of the woman my auntie Annette used when she started having conversations with the china dogs in her living room.

4. You stuck your head in a bowl full of dirty, greasy water? How heroic. A good husband would not submerge his head in filth.

5. If someone had tried to drown you (a likely possibility) I would understand, but you brought it on yourself.

6. I never asked you to spend that much money on me. It is a completely absurd amount. And maybe I should refresh your memory. The giving of that eagle feather quill was followed by an attempt to stick your tongue in my mouth!

7. You’re right. You could be Voldemort.

8. You’re right. You’re beyond salvation at this stage.

9. We can present a united front without being romantically involved. Are you familiar with the word platonic? Ask Remus. Furthermore, the fact that you can't elaborate your thoughts on this matter shows that you have an issue with self-expression.

10. Seeing as you are the devil, and I have no interest in giving birth to demon children, I'll pass. Save the wizarding world? Seriously? Are you deluded?

11. I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request. The sum in question is far too high.

12. Your far from fantastic facial features further force me to find fault with your farcical fantasy. Frankly, I find it freakishly foolish.

13. It has also whiled away many hours of my time during which I could be doing something more interesting. Like watching paint dry.

14. I just died a little on the inside.

15. I think it’s horrible that you blamed that one on poor, innocent Peter. That was most definitely a Potter creation, and a poorly phrased one at that. Shame on you, James, I’ve just lost even more respect for you.

16. This coming from the bloke who walked out on a Divination class in fourth year saying that Astrology was a load of codswallop, just because Professor Poissons said that I was marginally more compatible with Sirius than with you??

17. Hmm, how about Damien?

18. I would never name my child after his father so… yes, I guess James is a good name for my first born.

19. Do you also remember that it was Peter who eventually managed to find the earring? He had the right idea, looking under the sofa cushions. It was you who insisted that it had been stolen by a jealous suitor and hidden in McGonagall’s tartan biscuit box.

20. I do apologize. I’ll never smile at you again.

21. Yes, but I’ve always felt that I should rebel against at least one of my parents.

22. Doesn’t my father have fantastic intuition?

23. The inner organs of a flobberworm are better looking then Vernon Dursley. I could be dating Severus Snape and I could still rub it in her face.

24. That tells me that I should give that phone number to Dumbledore too.

25. Wow, Potter. If anything could change my mind, that would really be it.

26. I would like a man who can make me laugh because of his wit, not at his pathetic desperation.

27. Sorry Potter, but Dr. Hackenbush is loyal to me, I’m the one who talks him up to my stuffed dolphin.

28. Don’t make a mess on the carpet if you do. Your mother wouldn’t appreciate it.

29. You know, suicide is generally only committed by the cowardly. That rather contradicts your constant bragging that you’re the bravest Gryffindor there is.

30. If I were to give you any advice, I would say do it the old fashioned way and drown yourself. In dishwater.

31. Hmm, what more could I want?? Maybe someone who isn’t going to disembowel himself/starve himself/set himself alight, just to get my attention. Who wants a relationship with a pathological attention seeker?

32. Sirius has to live with you.

33. Well knock me down with a feather, even Sirius can get things right once in a while!!

34. Twelve specifically? Do you count them off? Is there a chart? Do you get a sticker every time he tells you that? And does he always use those exact words? Or is it more something along the lines of, ‘Face it mate, you won’t be getting in her knickers, ever.’

35. Of course I wouldn’t. That’s my first born son you’re talking about.

36. This only goes to show that you don't know me. And I don't date strangers.

37. One too many.

38. Oh, I’ve had that dream so many times.

39. Like lead a life that is free from stalkers and creepy perverts??

40. Only psychopaths become Kleptomaniacs. So really, there’s a better chance that I’ll become one if you stay.

41. I already sit up at night, worrying that you’re lurking outside my bedroom window on your broomstick.

42. Really? Because I don’t mind if they take yours.

43. Considering everything I’ve had to put up with from you, I’m surprised that I don’t have suitcases.

44. Right. So that’s three people to give the phone number to. Wow, I should go into PR.

45. I could never fall in love with someone who makes such grievous errors in judgment.

46. At the price of my mental health?

47. Imagine if you did! Can’t you just picture me, in an insane asylum, all alone, constantly scrubbing myself to get rid of all traces of you?

48. Could you really live knowing that you were the cause of my lunacy and eventual demise?

49. Of course there are other girls who could measure up. I’m only 5’6!

50. Thus, saving the world from an apocalypse.

51. Oh well, I’ll never have to pretend to be nice to boring idiots ever again! Being universally loved is too much like hard work.

52. At least I’ll get some decorating done.

53. Women, unlike men, can cope with being celibate. I could bake, watch television and read. Sounds like a nice, cozy life to me. With the added bonus of no you.

54. I recommend driving a car over it. That should get rid of the cramp.

55. Don’t give me that, you bewitched your quill to write this letter for you.

56. Oh my God. Urgh.

57. It’s such a pity that you hit Emmaline Vance in the face in your haste to get to the door and knocked two of her teeth out in the process, isn’t it?

58. It’s such a pity that you knocked Emmaline Vance over in your haste to get to the handbag and sprained her wrist in the process, isn’t it?

59. It disturbs me greatly to know that you know that. I’m going to tell Beatrice to stop writing to you.

60. Oh my god! This is even more convincing than the chicken dinner argument!

61. That is true. Your crotch is also at just at the right height for me to produce optimum damage every time you piss me off.

62. You can’t use it twice. Where’s your originality, Potter? Not to mention the fact that the argument you put forward in this point is rendered moot by the subsequent point. You should really start proofreading.

63. If I ever see you sniffing around a pot full of Amortentia, I’ll run the other way.

64. You would make some poor, innocent (albeit stupid) girl’s life hell just because she isn’t me?! And here’s me thinking you were a nice, sweet boy. I think you’re bipolar. Seriously, the phone number? Use it.

65. You know what else sounds great? James and anybody else who isn’t me.

66. I spent two hours thinking of ways to change my identity and move to Antarctica without anyone noticing because of this list. It was quite scary. And not at all charming.

67 I didn’t make any spelling errors either.

68. And I didn’t have to check. I’m just that good.

69. Do you know how easy it was to think of seventy-four arguments? I think we all know who has the sharper wit in this relationship.

70. I’ve been suffering from a migraine for the past six years. My migraine writes to me, follows me around the school and steals Quidditch equipment from Madame Hooch.

71. I’m going to slap you. Hard. In the face.

72. James knows tae kwon do. He can kill you in three moves. Sleep with one eye open tonight, Mr. Potter.

73. Why don’t you whip up a nice roast chicken dinner for him then??

74. Maybe…

I’m not falling for your lies, Potter. You talk with your mouth full. That’s just disgusting.

You put the image of our (never to be) child in my head. It’s not pleasant. Thankfully, neither is it foreseeable. Also, our son will be named Harry, not James. I’m willing to consider the possibility of naming him Harry James Potter if you really do insist upon giving our son your name, but it doesn’t matter because you and I are never going to have children. Therefore, Harry James Potter will never exist. The mere idea of bearing your children is rather frightening.

I’m running out of parchment. Luckily enough, I’m going to Diagon Alley tomorrow where I shall purchase some. Unluckily enough, you’ll be there too.

Lots of love,

Lily xxx

PS. Do you still have that red t-shirt you wore to Hogsmeade last year? You know, the one that Black tried to stain by chucking curry over you? If so, you should wear it tomorrow because you always look really nice in it. Not that I fancy you or anything. LE