|Now That I've Returned
Author: BookWorm37 PM
Add to the genre angst. This is a companion piece to 'Smart Fools' but can be read alone. Read at you're own risk! Rating set for a few words and implied scenarios. Stanza breaks now in!Rated: Fiction T - English - Poetry/Romance - S. Carter & J. O'Neill - Words: 1,068 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 3 - Published: 04-06-06 - Status: Complete - id: 2879252
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A/N: This can be read as a companion poem to 'Smart Fools' but I only realized half way through writing it that it was about Sam and Jack, their kids and Kerry. Read at your own risk.
I look at your face and see all the pain I've caused
The sleepless nights that have plagued you
Appear in dark circles underneath your eyes
Deep lines are etches around your mouth
Reminding others how hard your life has been
The crow's feet are fading in a melancholy tale
Of how there was once something to laugh about
That no longer is there
I gaze into the depths of your eyes and see all the pain melt away
I see you try and hide behind a façade of stone
But that stone will always give way
After just one look, one caress, one word
All of your barriers break down and I see the real you
The you formed by long hours and hard battles
The you made from wars that you should not have been made to fight
The you that was created, when I went my own way
Your eyes are the gateway into your soul
I've always been able to read them and now is no different
In their rich, brown depths I see love and anguish, joy and despair
All the hurt I've caused you through the years
Is reflected in their chocolate orbs
The love we've shared is in there as well
But it's location is harder to find
Because it's buried beneath the much greater pain
Is it really easier to stay angry with a person?
Can you truly tell me that forgiveness isn't better?
When I saw her on your arm, I knew
I knew I'd never be able to forgive you that little piece of happiness
While I sat here, tormented it a hell that I built for myself
Did you ever try and find me?
Did you ever try to make things right between you and I?
No, you just let me go and walked your own way to your bloody little whore
Now that I'm standing here, looking into your face
I can see a few more scars that weren't there when I left you
Did my absence cause them?
Are they a few more sins piled up against me in the Book of Judgment?
What's a few more sins against me, anyway?
I've committed so many already as it is
But none to hurt you – most to protect you
Can you understand why I went away, even when I knew it was sin?
The love for you I know is reflected in my own eyes
Is not reflected in yours
This hurts my soul more than a knife
Twisting and tearing out my heart
That is what you've done, you see
You've torn out my heart with your hands
By making love to that pretty little whore still hanging on your arm
And not even saying a kind word to me
Your children look so much like you
They are why I left in such a rush
But you know that, don't you?
I can see in your face that you do
Your eyes could never lie to me
Just like when we were basking in the aftermath of love
You told me it meant nothing
But your eyes said it meant everything
The whore is still there and I take a moment to study her face
It has the signs of too much makeup embedded into the pores
There's not a scar on there that's visible to the eye
But the scars are there, it just takes an expert to notice them
There's a scar by her eye, that tells of when she tried to cut it out
And the one on her chin from when she slipped and fell
But the scars are of little importance to her
To you and me they tell a story, but to her they just mar her face
On my face, I bear one scar with shame
It marks the greatest sin I've ever committed
A red, jagged scar running from my hairline to my jaw
Tells of when I left you and found him
He is the dirtiest creature imaginable
He put his mark on me to make me undesirable for others
When I tried to get away he just made it longer
Can you still feel desire when you glance at my marred face?
Your face still looks soft to the touch
But I only know from touching it that once
Your eyes still hold knowledge unknown to most you meet
And you still play that dumb act when you know more then all around you
Why does your face torment me so?
Why doesn't hers torment my nights?
It makes little sense that your face haunts my dreams
Yet I can't find it within my heart to hate your new lover
In your eyes, you know that I could never hate her
But my loathing for you runs deep with every second that passes
With her attached to your arm like a doll
They say the line between love and hate is thin
I say it's nonexistent with the right man
I used to be that doll hanging on your arm
But no sooner am I gone a few days
And I'm replaced like the filter in a heater
Did you ever really love me?
Do you love me still?
Did I ever really love you?
Yes, because it would be impossible for me to hate you such
If at one time I did not love you with equal ferocity
The answer to you loving me is hidden in your face
In the crow's feet that formed when I made you smile
But are fading now that I'm no longer there to make you laugh
Your face holds many secrets
Many stories, many mysteries
Perhaps one day I'll discover them all
One thing is known for sure
As I gaze into your eyes' wondrous depths
Now that my sin is beginning to be rectified
Now that the past is able to stay in the past
I realize I still love you, now that I've returned