|The Uchiha Mister Blossom
Author: angel puppeteer PM
SasuSaku It's a jutsu gone stupidly wrong. And now, the last Uchiha not technically the former Uchiha Sasuke is now... Miss Uchiha Sachi! Goal 1: in progress. Goal 2: Tada! He’s going to be a mother!/UNDERGOING REPAIR.Rated: Fiction M - English - Romance/Humor - Sasuke U. & Sakura H. - Chapters: 9 - Words: 21,311 - Reviews: 496 - Favs: 205 - Follows: 214 - Updated: 08-14-07 - Published: 04-07-06 - id: 2880575
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Standard disclaimer applied.
The Uchiha Mister Blossom
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Chapter9: The only Rose amongst the THORNS! No, no, no! A rose and a thorn, an idiot and a peacemaker!
"I'm a what?"
Naruto wished he had kept his mouth shut. At this moment, what he wanted was to shrivel up, curl in the corner and die right then and there. Oh, why didn't he just keep his bloody mouth shut? If he did, it would not end up as bloody as hell.
Or maybe, his teeth would still be shining, shimmering and glittery. Most of all, complete.
The three males stiffened. It would not be so bad if she was screaming her head off. They can handle that. Very well. But quiet and Sakura? It was never a good combination.
Sasuke, oddly, realized that death is a good friend. A painless… fast death… but the way she was looking at them right now— fuck
It's The Look.
A look that can send macho men sobbing, shriveling and shaking in the corner.
Maybe death…is not their friendly neighborhood after all.
Damn. Naruto is a walking, breathing, stupid curse.
"Mgggghhhpfff…?" Naruto groaned, hands pressed on his bloody mouth where Sakura struck him with her bloody fist. Fat tears leaked out from his large scared eyes. "Mfffghrghhhwafuuu!!"
If possible, her narrower than narrow eyes narrowed even more and the thick, grisly aura around her thickened, choking the three shinobi. Her eyes glowed like crazy, crazier than mangekyou sharingan and what scared them the most: massive fangs sprouted from her lovely mouth.
"YOU IDIOT!" she screamed, lifted her leg and brought the leg down, demolishing the nearest railing to her. The bridge that held so much memories vibrated at the sheer force of her kick.
"HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT TO ME? I'M HOT! I'M SEXY! I HAVE BIG BOOBS! I'M BEAUTIFUL! I'M DROP DEAD GORGEOUS! I WEAR FLOWERY BRA AND PANTIES AND YOU CALL ME…" her eyes turned bigger as she growled. "…LESBIAN!? GO TO HELL AND ROT THERE! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!"
Naruto burst into tears. "Fufuhhhggglfuuu!!!" the poor blonde cried out, pointing at the Icha Icha. Sakura's eyes glinted, a glint that Kakashi didn't like.
In a slow motion, Sakura rotated her head to where Kakashi cowered, clutching his precious Icha Icha. "Give it here."
A loud gulp then Kaakshi mutely and shakily handed it to her, afraid that his student would snatch his arm off and eat it. The kunoichi opened the book, flipping it through the pages of advertisement, then she froze, her features turning to normal.
"WHAT IS THIS!?" she screamed, mortified. Written in big (when it said big, it meant big) bold letters:
Beautiful, hot, big-breasted pink beauty Haruno Sakura is in a relationship! Finally— but look! It's not a plane! It's not a bird— it's a girl!
Below the words was a large colored picture of her dragging Sasuke (Sachi) towards her house.
"Oh my god… my reputation is ruined!"
"SHUT UP NARUTO! This is a disaster! Who wrote this?" Her eyes scanned the page. "JIRAIYA?! THAT OLD PERVERT HERMIT! I'M GOING TO FIND HIM AND BREAK EVERY BONE HE GOT IN THAT UGLY BODY!"
KILL HIM! KILL HIM! TEAR HIM APART FROM LIMB TO LIMB! Inner-Sakura roared.
You don't have to say it. I WILL DO IT!
"Sakura." Kakashi muttered solemnly. "Who is she? Who is that girl?"
"Mffftfgghhfuwooo." Naruto said, nodding while pointing at the dark-haired girl.
Kakashi sighed. "She is the ONE?" He asked sadly. The dark-haired girl blinked at him.
Sakura slapped his face with Icha Icha. "Kakashi-sensei! Don't tell me you believe this crap! This isn't true! I'm straight! I'M STRAIGHT!"
Kakashi, yet again, sighed. "There's nothing wrong with it."
"SHUT UP!" Sakura stamped her foot. "I'm straight! Kakashi-sensei, this girl—"she helplessly gestured at Sachi. "That girl—"
"Though I'm very disappointed with you. You are pretty and that girl, too—"
"Kakashi-sensei! That girl is—"
"A god's gift to men, you are—"
"That girl— it's SASUKE-KUN!"
"—with that great body and— what?"
"It's SASUKE-KUN!" Sakura bellowed, pointing at Sachi.
The pale-haired teacher blinked. "What are you trying to say?"
"Mfffghrghhhwafuuu!!" Naruto yelled.
Kakashi glanced at the dark-haired beauty. The girl raised an arrogant brow, one hand tucked inside the pocket of the shorts, the other raised in cool greeting. Her posture was bored and…arrogant.
"Yo." The girl nodded once. "Kakashi."
And this is why Kakashi never liked brunettes.
Noooooooooo! My reputation… the image I cultivated and created for the past 19 years of my life is down the drain!
Sakura rolled her eyes at her Inner self's rant.
That white-haired son of a… MONKEY! Inner Sakura screamed, punching her fists in the air. I WILL disembowel him with my OWN CLAWS!
Ting! Inner Sakura grew wolverine claws.
Sakura sighed and leaned back to the tree, one arm over her forehead to block the sunlight. Next to her, Sasuke sat, eyes closed, his thick lashes, sometimes she envied, were pressed against his pale cheeks while long strands brushed against his face.
Pretty. Prettier than her. Ah, so unfair.
ME????! A lesbian!? Are you stupid!? Her inner self continued. I dreamed of super wild hot animal sex with my sex god SASUKE-KUN every fricking night and THEY CALL ME LESBIAN!!!
Sakura twitched, her cheeks turning crimson. Pervert, she growled. Inner Sakura snorted. Excuse me! I am you!
"Shut up." Sakura gritted out between clenched teeth, blushing furiously.
"I'm not talking to you."
Sakura jumped, turning to Sasuke who stared back at her with heavy-lidded eyes.
"Oh. Gomen." She giggled shyly. "I was…talking to…myself."
Blushing, the kunoichi turned her face away, pressing her fingers to her cheek. She dragged her knees closer to her chest while her skirt rode up, showing what was not supposed to be seen. Her panties remained unseen but the exposed skin leave nothing to imagination.
Sasuke watched this with amusement. Clearly, Sakura must have forgotten the fact the he is male. But who was he to complain? This is Haruno Sakura, Konoha's hottest sweetheart. The surveys and articles about her were right: those are sexy hot legs.
Before she could notice his apparent attraction to her legs, Sasuke shifted his gaze and leaned back to the tree. "now, what?"
She sighed deeply. "I don't know, honestly. I'm still thinking." Sasuke glanced at her with a frown.
"Why are you so affected with this problem?"
The pink-haired kunoichi blinked at his question. "Why not? We're friends. It's normal I'm affected." She replied with one eyebrow raised. Her troubled expression returned, chewing her bottom lip as she thought.
"I cursed the day I sparred with Naruto." The Uchiha grunted bitterly. This made Sakura laughed.
"You should." She said with a smile. When he remained silent, the girl glanced at him and found the dark-haired shinobi staring at her.
The boy (or girl) grunted and looked away with a heavy frown (THAT'S A SEXY FROWN! SEXY SEXY SEXY SE— Inner Sakura shrieked"It's been a week, Sakura…"
Now that's luscious… Inner Sakura said slyly.
Shut up! Sakura bellowed as she straightened up rigidly in her spot. "I know…" she began. "But don't worry! I bullied Tsunade-shishou into helping us."
Sasuke raised a brow. "You bullied THE Hokage?"
He watched her cheeks go red, matching her hair. "No, no, no! I mean, persuaded! I persuaded her!"
With a roll of his eyes, Sasuke replied. "Whatever."
"You know what… I don't get it. Is this ninjutsu or… genjutsu?" she motioned at his body, her forehead creasing. Sasuke shrugged, eyeing his body with distaste.
"The hell I know? Ask dobe. He invented this stupid jutsu."
Sakura bit her lip. What should be done to cancel this damn jutsu? Is this permanent? But—
"Ohhhhhhhh (heart, heart!) The lovebirds!!"
The two looked up. Sitting on a branch above them was Jiraiya. He was blushing wildly and disgustedly, he was also drooling. Sasuke heard a sound similar to a growling banshee as his teammate jumped to her feet. With a massive vein weighing her head down and blush on her face, Sakura let out a loud curse followed by a string of insults and threats.
"YOU STUPID WHITE-HAIRED LIAR LECHER! COME DOWN THIS INSTANT AND MEET MY TORNADO FIST! I WILL TEAR YOUR BODY FROM LIMB TO LIMB AND FEED YOUR BLOODY CARCASS TO WOLVES AND INSECTS!"
"Ohh! What a sexy outburst! I didn't mean to interrupt—"
"GO TO HELL AND GET LOST THERE YOU PERVERT!" she snarled and kicked the tree which flew beyooooooooooond the borders of Fire Country.
Sasuke who was suddenly behind a tree (a very large tree, five steps away from the disemboweled tree) twitched, eyeing Sakura's fist which was oddly as large as a boulder.
shriiiiiiiiiiink! Her fist shrunk back to its original girth.
"Go where?" asked Sasuke cautiously.
The frightening girl faced him determinedly. "See shishou!" she barked.
"I'm so tired of this crap! If I see one person… ONE, just ONE person looking at me WEIRDLY…" her eyes glowed a deathly green. "I WILL SPIT VENOM!"
Tsunade bolted upright. "Un?"
"Greetings, great oh-Hokage." Sakura marched in formally, followed by Sasuke who kept looking at her cautiously.
Tsunade blinked. "Uh? G-greetings… great oh-apprentice." When Sakura reached her table, the girl looked down to her teacher seriously.
"Well, any news, Madame commander?"
Madame commander? Tsunade thought, confused at Sakura's eccentric behavior. She glanced at Sasuke who shrugged.
"About Sasuke-kun's real body's whereabouts."
Tsunade frowned. "…oh?" she scratched her cheek absent-mindedly with one long finger. "…that?" The woman nodded. "Well… nada."
Sasuke blinked. "Nada?" he repeated, glancing at Sakura with a raised brow. Sakura launched a simple explanation, "it means 'none'— WHAT! But shishou—"
"Sakura," Tsunade sighed, "his body is none of my concern as of now. Being a Hokage, I don't deal with such things. Anyway, I have something to discuss with you. It's about the mission—"
"NO WAY! Return him fist to his original body before I deal with your missions!" Sakura said.
Tsunade raised a brow. "Sakura… do I look like an idiot! Or have you forgotten WHO you're talking to! I am YOUR Hokage, girl!" the woman growled.
"Yes! Of course… since you are my Hokage… surely, being the greatest (Tsunade sparkled at this), you know the cure! Return him to his original body!"
"Why are you so demanding?"
Sakura seemed to swell before their eyes. "WHY?" she bellowed. "Sasuke-kun's a girl!" she snarled. "It's like having three breasts with six nipples!!"
"SAKURA!" Tsunade shrieked.
"Sakura." Growled Sasuke.
"What?" snapped Sakura, glaring at Sasuke.
Nostrils flaring, Sasuke replied with a vicious snarl, "what the hell are you talking about? It's so shit."
"EXACTLY. You're a genius, really." She sneered, her cheeks flushed. "Hokage—"Tsunade's eyes flashed dangerously. "…sama," added Sakura abruptly. "You have to help us find the cure first before sending us out to our missions."
"And that is to kill Naruto." Sasuke grunted coldly.
"Sasuke-kun can't spend the entire lifetime wearing tampons and bras!" Sakura said, waving her arms.
"Sakura, shut up."
Sakura flushed harder, her eyes glinting steely. "You shut up! I'm trying my best to help you!" she snapped heatedly, her forehead in a heavy scowl.
Sasuke rounded on her, matching her feisty temper. "You call this help? You're jabbering."
The girl looked outraged. "Jabbering? You call this jabbering? You ungrateful b—"itch.
"Don't say it." Sasuke threatened, glowering down to her.
"Why are you so ungrateful!?" Sakura yelled.
"I'm not ungrateful. If you want to help, act normal."
A deadly silence followed that statement. Then—
"HOW DARE YOU!" screamed Sakura that shook the entire tower. The tables and chairs rattled at the force of her scream.
"Yes, I dare."
Tsunade rolled her eyes. "Stop it already…"
"WHY DID I EVEN TRY TO HELP YOU INSENSITIVE MONKEY BASTARD!" Sakura continued with a stamp of her foot. A crack appeared instantly and Tsunade and Sasuke cursed under their breaths. "You are sooooo full of hot air! Acting so high! So mighty! If I don't look normal for you, then TAKE A LOOK IN THE MIRROR, SACHI-CHAN your chest is for all the monkey-men to dream about and that is abnormal!"
Sasuke narrowed his eyes. "Stop talking shit."
Sakura barred her fast-growing fangs. "I. AM. NOT. TALKING. SHIT! Why don't I kill you now!"
Tsunade stood up, one hand massaging her temple. "Stop it! You yelling caused me a lot of headaches!"
"—YOU ARE SUCH AN UNGRATEFUL BITCH— yes, yes, YES! You're a bitch and I hate you—"Sakura was yelling, a dozen veins throbbing all over her forehead and neck.
"You better shut up now, Sakura…" Sasuke was saying…disturbingly calm yet there was a wild look in his eyes.
"SHUT UP? ME? ME? ME? No! You listen to my annoying voice screaming at you—"
"Silence!" Tsunade thundered but her voice was drowned by Sakura's vehement swearing.
"You are annoying." Sasuke said in a deadly tone.
Tsunade cursed under her breath. "That's very well said, Uchi— DAMN IT TO HELL SAKURA!"
A loud crack then a minute later, the wall of Tsunade's office crumbled. "THAT'S MY WALL, HARUNO!"
"Not eh! I'm saying about my wall! My wall!" Tsunade shouted. This seemed to bring Sakura back to her calm exterior as she raised her arms in defeat.
"Sorry! Sorry, shishou!"
"MY GOD! Stop bickering and LISTEN TO ME! Both of you will be suspended for a month! Yes, a month! I don't care if you're an ANBU ass Uchiha! And you Haruno Medic ass! After this mission, your suspension will take effect and I don't care if you get bored, lost or die JUST SHUT UP, got it?!"
"But I'm a medic…" Sakura squeaked.
"I AM YOUR GOD!" Tsunade bellowed. After a few lungfulls of breath, Tsunade sat down, pulled out a scroll from her drawer and tossed it to Sakura. "You will be the team leader and don't look at her like that Uchiha—" she snapped, noticing Sasuke's eerie dark look. "This is not an ANBU mission so you being an ANBU taichou does not apply here. Plus, if I assign you as the team leader, Naruto will be very noisy about it and I want my peace."
Sasuke grunted and looked away.
"I don't have time to explain it all to you. My brain is constipated right now so be gone already!" Tsunade barked, sitting down roughly.
"Well… how about Sasuke-kun?" squeaked Sakura quietly.
"You worry too much, Sakura…" said Tsunade with a roll of her eyes. "You and your voice. Lethal to my ears and health."
"Aa." Agreed Sasuke under his breath.
"…but since you're my most favorite apprentice—"
"I'm your only apprentice." Sakura pointed out.
"Hai, hai… don't interrupt me! Since you're my ONLY apprentice, I'll see what I can do to help your Sasuke-kun." Tsunade replied with a hint of irritation. At once, a big bright smile appeared on Sakura's face.
"You're such a god, shishou!!" Sakura beamed, grinning apparently missing the word 'your'. "Arigato!"
"Hai… hai. Make your mission a success, Sakura."
"I'll do my best!" Sakura grinned at Tsunade then smiled sincerely at Sasuke who was rather dumbfounded at her unstable mentality. How the fuck did she change her moods so easily?
"Well, see ya! I reckon Naruto and Sai are our other team members?"
Tsunade nodded, adding sarcastically, "yeah… Since they can tolerate your voice."
Sakura rolled her eyes and started going for the door. "See ya, Sasuke-kun!" after that, she ran outside. BAM! BAM! "OH NO! Sorry, Shizune-sempai! SORRY!"
There was a muffled scream.
"SORRY! REALLY!" came Sakura's scream.
A muffled scream replied.
Tsunade shook her head. "Be grateful. If I weren't so kind to my little girl, you will find yourself a million years of melon tits hanging on your chest rather than a penis. I was thinking that you growing boobs is a punishment enough for your betrayal."
Sauske grunted at this, very pissed.
"But since I'm such a kind soul, well… I'll try. Seriously this time."
His face darkened. "You mean you weren't really trying to help me all this time?" he growled furiously.
Tsunade shrugged. "Well… I was lazy, you know."
BITCH. Sasuke thought, angry beyond words.
"Well, be gone already. The sight of you is so repulsive." Tsunade gave him a calculating look from head to toe. "Really."
"OI! Sai! Naruto!"
The two looked up.
"Hey! Sakura-chan!" greeted Naruto. Sakura smiled. Too sweetly, Naruto noticed. Sai must have noticed it too, for he stepped back a little, looking at the girl suspiciously.
The two males exchanged looks.
"What?" asked Sai.
Sakura grinned. Now, Sai was really suspicious.
"We have a mission!"
Naryuto cheered at once. "GREAT! Some kickass mission! This is my chance to shine! To fly! To roar! To sparkle! To smile! To show my greatness! To—"
"And I'm your team leader."
Naruto and Sai was aghast.
"No way, Ugly."
Sakura looked repulsed. "Shut up, Sai. Since I'm the only rose among the thorns MEANING I'm the only normal among us—"
Naruto turned to Sai with a confused expression. "What does she mean by that?"
Sai smiled. "It means one thing, Naruto-kun. Being the only ugly person among us—"
"FLY AND DIE!" screamed Sakura, punching the dark-haired boy up the chin, sending the shinobi up to the sky.
"SAIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" shouted Naruto to the sky, big tears leaking down his face.
"Well…" came a sweet, sweet voice behind him. "Do you have any problem with me being the team leader… Naruto-kun." The blonde spun around slowly, sweating coldly. Sakura was smiling so beautifully, so radiant. Sakura-chan had never smiled at him like that. And it was fucking scary. It was fucking creepy. Naruto fought the urge to crawl back and hid in a place where the sun don't shine. Bravely, he smiled back and shook his head vigorously.
"Of course not! I don't have any problems with that! You know how much I like you, right!" he said very fast.
Her smile grew sweeter, as sweet as chocolate sundae and sugar candy. It was so sweet that Naruto was almost gagging. "Oh. Good. You're so lovely, Naruto…kun."
"Yeah? Uh… t-thanks!"
"Now… go and prepare your things. Meet me up in the gate."
"And oh," she grinned and Naruto shivered. Why are women so damn scary!? "Please fetch Sai-kun. You know how much I adore him."
Four figures were crouching a top treetops, each wearing dark hoods and cloaks.
"Okay!" a female chirpy voice called out from their small transmitters. The three males winced.
"…let's do it." A dark voice muttered, clearly displeased to be included in the group.
"Hai, hai. Don't be so excited, Sasuke-kun." The female voice snapped. "Let's count!"
"WHAT?" the three males breathed through their transmitters.
"I said… let's count!"
"What for?" the same dark voice as before snapped.
"Well, are you the team leader, Uchiha?" the female snarled. "DO WHAT I SAY! One!"
"Two!" a happy voice announced.
"Three." A dull voice dragged on.
"Four." Snapped a dark voice.
"Move out, flowers!" the female urged and the figure at the topmost treetop charged deeper into the forest. The three remaining shadows stiffened before muttering under their breaths ("flowers? FLOWERS? Is she crazy?" "Isn't it obvious? She is." "A helpless case, I say."). One shook his head and followed suit.
"This is stupid." The dull voice remarked before following his comrades.
Then the treetops were unoccupied. Nothing but air.