Story: The Mary-Sue Chronicles: HP

Notes: This fic was inspired by HP badfic summaries. Rated for language and talk of secks. Oh, and this is a one-shot.

Disclaimer: Not mine. Not yours. Perhaps it's his? … No, wait, it isn't. Hers? … Maybe. Oh, who the bloody hell cares, no one reading this owns it.

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There once was a young girl who lived in an enchanted void. She had many names and many forms, each very pretty and very cliché. But here we shall call her… Mary.

Mary had a very interesting job, which was to invade fandoms and have hawt secks with the characters. One day, she decided to invade the Harry Potter fandom, which was one of her favorites. She turned herself into an American witch transferring to Hogwarts. She had long, shiny blonde hair, a slender figure, and cerulean eyes that reflected her inner pain and suffering. Because Mary's pain and suffering would seduce such characters as Draco to have hawt secks with her.

Mary stepped out of her Fandom Void into the HP fandom. She found herself on the outskirts of the Forbidden Forest. Before taking over Hogwarts with her amazing beauty and angst, she called her twin sister Sue on her cell phone.

"Sue, what shall I call myself in this badfic?" Mary asked.

"Gosh, Mary, I don't know," Sue said. "I'm using Elena right now for a Lord of the Rings badfic. You see, Elena is Elfish for 'of the stars', so it's like… I'm a star, you know?"

"You ARE a star, Sue," Mary said.

"Oh Mary, you're the star! You're better at making badfics than I am."

"Oh dearest Sue, surely you jest!"

They laughed their enchanting peals of laughter that only they could emit from their immaculate voice boxes.

"Well, Mary, you should call yourself… Regina. It's Latin for queen."

"Yes, I do think I will emerge as a queen in this fic."

They laughed again. A few birds flying nearby were so distracted that they crashed in a tree and thus collectively died.

"Well, good luck Mary."

"Good luck to you also, Sue."

Mary snapped her cell phone shut. After reflecting on her name for a few minutes, she said, "I do believe this fic should be called Draco's Queen."

However, the authoress ignored this title suggestion because it made her think of smut.

Regina (formerly referred to as Mary) entered the entrance hall, smiling broadly. Dumbledore was waiting for her already.

"Ah, here's our new transfer student," Dumbledore said. "Come with me, we shall go to my office to discuss why you're here… because I sure as heck don't know."

Professor McGonagall, who was standing next to Dumbledore, whispered to him, "She looks so angsty, Albus. She might seduce Draco Malfoy like that awful girl last time. Remember? The brunette who spoke in metaphors? And there was also that Joanna girl, and Selene, and-"

"Yes, yes, I know," Dumbledore whispered back, "but we can't do anything. We are bound to the rules of fanfiction."

Both shuddered.

"Draco Malfoy?" Regina, whose hearing was as perfect as her voice, said. "Who is he?"

Suddenly, Malfoy entered the entrance hall. He took one look at Regina and said, "Oh fuck, another whore."

"What did you call me?" Regina asked, her bluest of orbs clouding with past sorrows.

"Oh damn, I feel a need to sex her up," Malfoy said. He covered his eyes. "I'm not looking at you, Mary-Sue."

"I'm just Mary! Oh, um, I mean Regina!" Mary-Regina exclaimed.

"Wait, which is it?" McGonagall asked, bemused.

"Would anyone like a lemon drop?" Dumbledore asked.

Then, to nobody's surprise, Harry strode into the entrance hall and said, "I heard another Sue was in here."

"Mary," Mary corrected. "No, wait, Regina! Not Mary, not Sue!" Regina corrected.

"Don't look into her eyes Potter, she'll make you want to have sex," Malfoy said.

"I know, I've had my share of them," Harry said, focusing his eyes on his shoes. They were very pleasant shoes to look at, too.

"Why are you even acknowledging my true self?" Regina but not Mary inquired. "You're supposed to just accept me and love me!"

"Yes, this is rather strange, isn't it?" Snape said.

"Indeed, since you just materialized here," Malfoy said.

"I'm too sexy to not be here," Snape explained.

"You're quite the comic relief, Severus," Dumbledore said.

Regina began to get impatient. "Quit laughing and submit to me already!" she shouted.

Then Ron and Hermione entered the entrance hall.

"Awesome, another one!" Ron said. "I'll get the shackles!"

"NO, Ron," Hermione said, smacking him upside the head.

"If you won't fall in love with me, then you can fall in love with us!" Regina cried, whipping out her cell phone.

"Blimey, Harry, she knows her pronouns!" Ron said, surprise evident in his voice.

Mary called up Sue.

"Sue, I need you here! Now!" Now Mary but still Regina said.

"Sure thing, Mary," Sue said. "I just died in Legolas' arms after that war against the Twilight Druids of Elendil's Bane. It was very exciting; I turned out to be the Savoir Descendant of-"

"Sue, this is an emergency! Hurry on over!"

"Ok, ok, I'll be there in a second."

Mary snapped the phone shut.

"How does a cell phone work in the school?" Harry asked.

"Her kind can break the rules, remember?" Hermione said.

After a few minutes, Sue finally arrived. She was a fiery redhead with stunning emerald eyes like Harry's. She had a curvy figure that was covered by a white silk robe.

"I'm here Mary!" Sue said.

"Let's transform!" Mary said.

And then, to everyone's utter amazement, they merged into Mary-Sue. Her beauty was indescribable, but I can safely say that she looked pretty damn angsty.

"Fucking hobag," Draco muttered as Mary-Sue wrapped her arms around him and whispered, "I want you Draco."

"Well don't mate in the Great Hall of all places," McGonagall said.

"I am doing no such thing," Draco said, shoving Mary-Sue away from him. He then put on a blindfold. "Ha, now I can't see you!"

"Curses!" Mary-Sue exclaimed.

Hermione put blindfolds on Harry and Ron. And then, as an afterthought, she blindfolded Snape also.

"There, you can seduce no one," Hermione said.

Mary-Sue looked at Dumbledore, whom McGonagall blindfolded an instant later. Mary-Sue, although frustrated, still remained passive, for she was too perfect to be angry.

"I'm not into the whole girl-girl thing, but you are cute Hermione," Mary-Sue said, approaching her.

"Excuse me a second," Hermione said. She hurried away into another a room and her retching was heard by all.

Mary-Sue turned to McGonagall.

"Don't even think about it," McGonagall said, producing a rocket launcher from thin air. Because the presence of a Mary-Sue allowed her to do so.

Mary-Sue looked around. Despite her perfectness, she grew furious. "YOU JUST HATE ME CAUSE YOU AIN'T ME!" she screamed. Then she ran (gracefully) from the entrance hall.

McGonagall waited a few minutes, but Mary-Sue didn't come back. She sighed with relief and took everyone's blindfolds off.

"Awesome, that bitch is gone," Harry said.

"This is a very exquisite blindfold," Snape remarked, holding up his blindfold for all to see.

Hermione went back into the entrance hall and said, "She's gone? Good, let's get the ministry to put anti-Mary-Sue spells on the castle."

Everyone agreed with her decision and they wrote a letter right away. Sadly, the Minister of Magic was being seduced by Mary-Sue when the letter arrived, and Mary-Sue snatched it, read it, and ripped it up. Therefore, bad Harry Potter fanfiction would live to (hopefully) die another day.

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This was very fun to write. I hope you liked it!