Just when I thought things couldn't get any weirder…BAM! They really ought to label those alien thingamajigs, don't you think? I mean, if I'd seen a label on it that said WARNING: THIS THING WILL SEND YOU TO ANOTHER DIMENSION I never would have touched it! So there we were, stranded in an alien world with no idea how to get back. Luckily, I'm the kind of guy that rolls with the punches.

"WAKE UP HARRY!" Harry cried right before he smacked his head into a tree.

The turtles watched from a safe distance. Right after they arrived, Raph was ready to beat Harry up; however, upon hearing that they had been sent to a whole other universe, Harry proceeded to do the job for him.

"WAKE UP HARRY!" Harry yelled again right before smacking his head into a tree.

"Are we going to stop him?" Don asked.

"What for?" Raph asked.

Suddenly the farmhouse door slammed open; the turtles turned and saw an old man in overalls holding a machine gun. They reached for their weapons.

"Freeze!" The old man growled. "I wouldn't try nothing funny iffen I were you! From where I'm standing, my weapon beats your weapons!"

"We don't want any trouble," Leo said cautiously. "We just want to ask you a few questions."

"Talk to the gun!" The old man yelled right before he opened fire. The turtles quickly took cover. Harry, however, was still banging his head against the tree and had missed their entire exchange; catching the full force of the assault, his body jerked around a bit before hitting the ground.

"HARRY!" Raph cried. He lunged with lighting speed and knocked the gun out of the old man's hands.

"Okay, I think we got off on the wrong foot," the human gulped, backing away.

"Raph, wait!" Leo cried. He and Don were kneeling beside Harry. "These aren't bullets, they're…"

"Peanuts," Don said, holding up a peanut shell.

Raph turned to the old man. "Peanuts? Your gun fires peanuts?" He asked incredulously.

"Of course!" The old man huffed. "Peanuts are the deadliest weapon in the world! Everybody on the planet has a deadly peanut allergy!"

Harry sat up. "Geez, what hit me?" He groaned.

The old man stared at Harry in shock. "He's alive? Impossible! Unless…" he hurried over to Harry, shoving past Leo and Don to help him up. "Sorry about trying to kill you. No hard feelings, right?" He laughed, brushing dirt off Harry's jacket.

"Um…thanks, buddy," Harry blinked.

"Please, call me Julie," the old man laughed. "That's what my friends call me, and we are friends, right?"

"Julie?" Raph blinked.

"Yes, but you can call me Mr. Julie!" the old man snapped.

"Excuse me, um, Mr. Julie," Don said. "Maybe you can help us. We're looking for a large puzzle box of sorts. It's green, with crystals, and has eight sides…"

"I don't know anything like that," Julie huffed. "But if anyone would, it would be the Scribes. They know everything 'bout everything."

"Great, so where do we find them?" Leo asked.

"In Thebigcity, duh!" Julie said. "I sell my dingleberrys at the marketplace. I could give you a lift, but the crop hasn't been harvested yet. It takes several days for me to do it, what with me being an old man and all…" he started to cough.

Leo sighed. "We'll be happy to do it for you."

Julie suddenly perked up. "Great! The gathering baskets are in the barn, and the dingleberry fields are only a brisk five mile hike to the north. While you do that, I'll entertain your friend here," he turned to Harry. "You like tequila?"

"If it's got alcohol in it, I love it!" Harry exclaimed. "And call me Harry."

"Harry?" The old man blinked. "That's an odd name for a man." He steered Harry towards the farmhouse, away from the stunned stares of his four new laborers.

Eight hours later, four exhausted turtles dragged the last of the gathering baskets to the farmhouse. As they were loading it into the pickup truck, Julie and Harry emerged from the farmhouse. "Are you done yet?" Julie snapped. We need to get going now if we're going to get to Thebigcity before dark!"

"We would have been done sooner if we had help!" Raph snapped.

"Hey, you're not the only ones who had it rough!" Harry snapped. "There's no such thing as limes in this dimension! How am I supposed to do tequila shots without limes?"

"Right now, all I care about is sitting down. I don't even care how bad these dingleberries smell," Michelangelo groaned, hoisting himself up onto the truck's bed. The other turtles began to climb into the back.

"What do you think you're doing?" Julie snapped. "Who's going to pull the truck?"

"Pull the truck?" Leo blinked.

"Yes, pull the truck!" Julie said, thoroughly exasperated. "It ain't gonna go by itself, you know!"

The turtles looked around the truck and sure enough, there were four harnesses attached to the front bumper.

"You have got to be kidding!" Raph exclaimed. "No way! C'mon guys, we don't need this jerk! We can find this place ourselves!"

"Wait, guys, let's not be hasty!" Harry exclaimed. "Julie says the town is only forty miles away! It's a snap!"

"Forget it, Harry, these young fellas have clearly made up their minds, and we can't stop them." Julie sighed.

"Damn right!" Raph growled. He and his brothers began to walk away.

"I'm sure you can get to the city yourselves. All you have to do is follow the road up yonder…"

"Which way?" Harry asked.

"I'm sure you'll figure it out," Julie replied. "Just like you'll figure out which turn to make at the fork in the road…the one that leads into town and not the one that leads into the valley of unspeakable terror…"

The turtles stopped and looked back at him skeptically. Julie threw up his hands. "Of course, maybe these are just the ramblings of an old man…or someone who lives in this world and knows what's what."

"Come on, guys," Leo sighed, walking over to the harness. "Let's saddle up."

The turtles grunted and groaned as they pulled the truck down a lonely dusty road that cut a path through an endless barren field. Harry and Julie sat on the hood of the pickup, laughing and drinking.

"Those two are certainly chummy," Don muttered. "You'd think they were long-lost twins or something."

"Harry's a slimeball, but Julie's been treating him like a prince, waiting on him hand and foot," Leo said. "Why?"

"It happened right after he found out Harry isn't allergic to peanuts," Mike said. "We're not allergic to peanuts either, so why isn't he waiting on us hand and foot?"

"Because the humans always stick together," Raph growled. "It's plain old species-ism!"

"Quiet!" Julie drunkenly yelled. "We're coming to the fork in the road! Go right! Be quiet and go right!"

They turned right. Harry started to talk, but Julie quickly hushed him. They continued in silence for a few minutes. Not surprisingly, it was Mike who spoke first. "How come…"

"SHHH!" Julie whispered loudly. "We're not far enough away yet. They still might hear you."

"Who?" Don asked.

"Never you mind. Just pray you never have to find out."

"Please!" Harry laughed, chock full o' liquid courage. "I bet I could take 'em with one hand tied behind my back!"

Julie smiled at his guest. "I'm sure of it. Now shut your trap."

Some time later, as the last of the suns began to set in the South, the exhausted green pack mules pulled the truck through the gates of Thebigcity, which in fact looked quite medieval. A large stone wall, about fifty feet high, surrounded the town. Once through the gates, they followed a winding narrow cobblestone street, passing countless stone buildings with thatched roofs and wooden shutters. They soon came to a large bustling town square, where merchants were selling everything from vegetables to scaly, horned chickens; the normal market noise gave way to dead silence as the party made its way into the center of the square, where Julie instructed the turtles to stop.

A crowd quickly circled the truck. The turtles instinctively slipped out of their harnesses and reached for their weapons. Harry, oblivious as usual, threw back his head and held the tequila bottle upside down above his mouth, determined to catch the last few drops.

"Is that him?" A woman asked.

"Yup," Julie said, jumping off the hood of the car and ducking for cover. The crowd suddenly pulled out a wide array of guns and opened fire on their tanked target; Harry was pelted with peanuts at every turn.

"OW OW OW OW!" Harry cried as he vainly tried to fend off the attack.

"Um, should we do something?" Don blinked.

"Why?" Raph asked.

Just as quickly as it started, the barrage stopped. Harry slid off the roof and fell to the ground in a heap. The crowd held his breath; when Harry staggered to his feet, they suddenly burst into cheers.

"Did I not tell you? Did I not say he was THE ONE?" Julie cried.

"You wanna fight?" Harry snarled, throwing a few drunken punches into the air. "Bring it on!"

The jubilant crowd rushed Harry, hoisted him into the air, and carried him off. Left behind, the turtles blinked in confusion.

"What…what just happened?" Mike blinked.

"I don't know, but I'll bet if we follow them we'll find out," Leo said. They took off after the crowd, which was heading towards a castle on a hill in the center of town.

Harry awoke to a dream.

He was lying naked in a large, clean bed, wrapped in sheets as soft as clouds that smelled like lavender. He remembered consuming massive amounts of alcohol, yet he wasn't hung over; in fact, he never felt better. For once he remembered everything that had happened the previous day…the trip to another universe…the adoring crowds…the castle…the party in his honor…the feast…the girls…and peanuts. Lots of peanuts.

It had to be a dream.

No, it was too good to be a dream. He had to be dead. That doohickey he grabbed back in Don's lab must have exploded and now he was dead and in heaven.

"Harry?"

Harry opened his eyes to see the aliens staring down at him. At that moment he knew it wasn't heaven; there was no way those four would be there. "Geez, can't a guy have a moment's peace around here?" He groused as he sat up.

"Harry, you've been asleep for twelve hours," Mike commented.

"And you were partying for about twelve hours before that," Raph said.

"I know," Harry smiled. "Isn't this place great?"

"Harry, haven't you wondered why…" Don began. He was interrupted when the door opened and a beautiful blonde young woman dressed in a short silk bathrobe stepped inside. "Hello, Mighty One," she purred in Harry's direction. "Your illustrious presence is requested in the Great Hall for breakfast in ten minutes."

"Thank you, Bruce, I'll be there," Harry smiled. "However, that does leave me with some time to kill…"

Bruce smiled seductively and began to untie the belt on her robe. The turtles looked at her and then at Harry; all four of them simultaneously turned a different shade of green. "Who's up for breakfast?" Leo cried right before he bolted out the door, his brothers hot on his heels.

Breakfast was a low-key affair compared to the previous night's banquet. There were only three hundred people and one live band. The wine waterfall had been replaced by a modest mimosa fountain. Harry was, of course, the guest of honor, seated at the head table along with the Scribes. They dined on green eggs and ham while enjoying a performance of the traditional Fish Slapping Dance.

Everybody was so busy enjoying the breakfast in honor of The One they didn't notice two pairs of green hands pluck The One from his seat and drag him into a dark hallway.

"What do you think you're doing!" Harry sputtered, shaking them off. "I should have you arrested for this! I can do it, I am The One!"

That last comment earned him a smack on the head from Raph. "Can it, rummy, and listen up! All this fuss over you ain't what you think!"

"Haven't you wondered why they call you 'The One'?" Don asked.

"Don't forget Great One and Mighty One," Harry said. "And no, I don't! It's about time someone appreciated me and everything I have to offer!"

"Like what, a bloated liver?" Leo snapped. "Look, we've talked to the Scribes. They told us where to find the gateway home. If we leave now we can be there in a few hours."

"We're all packed and ready to go," Mike said, motioning to four backpacks. "We even packed your favorite food, liquid cheese and beef jerky!"

"You do what you want, I'm staying here," Harry said, folding his arms.

"Trust me, Harry, you do not want to stay here!" Don said. "The Scribes said…"

"Please, Don, don't try to con a con man," Harry snapped. "I know what's going on here. You guys are jealous! I'm going to live like a King for the rest of my life, and you lose your favorite whipping boy! Too bad! Adios! See you later!"

The turtles exchanged glances. "All right, Harry, if that's how you feel, we'll be on our way," Leo said. "Let's go, guys."

"If you change your mind, just follow the road through town, out the back gate, and keep going," Mike said casually, shrugging on his backpack.

"Whatever," Harry yawned. "Now if you'll excuse me, I don't want to miss the finale." He got back to his seat just as they were stuffing the fish into a giant cannon.

"I tell you, Amy, I could die a happy man right now," Harry said.

He was sitting in the backseat of a Mustang convertible with Amy, the Master Scribe. In front sat two Senior Scribes. A burly servant drove the car, which was being pulled by the royal steeds, giant blue birds that resembled ostriches.

Harry couldn't stop grinning. Soon all of the royal stuff would be his. Amy explained that as The One, he had one task to complete. After that, it was back to the castle for his coronation.

Harry leaned back and closed his eyes. He tried to decide on his royal title. King Harry. King Henry. King Henry the First….

The car suddenly made a sharp right turn. Harry opened his eyes. They were at the fork in the road he had passed on the way to town, and were now riding down the path that had made Julie nervous. About half a mile later they came to a stop next to a steep slope. The Scribes and servant got out of the car. Amy tuned and motioned for Harry, but Harry didn't budge.

"Are we in the right place? I mean, I heard this isn't a very good place to stop." Harry gulped.

"Not anymore," Amy smiled. "Follow us, and soon the keys to the kingdom will be yours!"

Harry reluctantly got out of the car. They walked down the hill together, stopping at the bottom; one hundred feet away was the entrance to a cave.

Amy turned and addressed the small party. "My friends, today marks the end of a dark chapter in history. For too long we have been terrorized by the Beasts. Long ago, the Ancient Scribes foretold of a hero from another world that would free us from this evil, and become our new king! That day has now come! We are here to bear witness to his victory, and record it for the ages!" On cue, the servant opened a large book and held it in front of the Senior Scribes, who stood with quills ready.

Harry didn't quite understand Amy's flowery language, but he had a sickening feeling it had to do with him. He began to back away. "Hey, guys, I just remembered something I gotta do…"

"The Beasts are coming!" a Scribe cried. Alarmed, Harry turned and saw several creatures emerge from the cave. They were small…and white…and furry…and hopping.

They began to graze peacefully, apparently oblivious to the people watching them. Harry looked around and saw the others cringing. "Where are the Beasts? Behind the rabbits?"

"Are you crazy? They are the rabbits!" Amy cried. "I beg you, my lord, vanquish the evil ones!"

"The rabbits?" Harry snorted. "Are you serious? Oh, okay, I'll take care of it." He made a big show of taking off his jacket and rolling up his sleeves.

While he was doing that, a large buck with giant antlers wandered into the rabbit's grazing area. The rabbits looked up at the intruder, and suddenly sprouted inch-long fangs and claws. They attacked the buck in full force, ripping it to shreds in a matter of seconds. Whipped into a frenzy by the fresh kill, they turned their attention to the horrified humans.

"This is it, Great One! Your moment of glory!" Amy cried. He looked around. "Great One?"

But Harry was gone. He had already scrambled up the hill and was driving the ostrich car back to town at breakneck speed. It wasn't long before the gates of Thebigcity came into view. Harry cracked the reins, urging the giant birds to go even faster; soon he would be safe inside the walls…

Suddenly a blur of furry white balls swarmed the ostriches, bringing them down hard and fast; Harry was catapulted over them and landed several feet away, rolling another few feet before he came to a stop. Jumping to his feet, he raced the last fifty yards to the gates without looking back; the shrieks of the birds ringing in his ears were more than enough to let him know what was going on behind him.

Harry raced through the gates, and was greeted by a huge crowd waiting for him, holding banners that said thing like OUR HERO and WELCOME BACK TRIUMPHANT ONE. Julie stepped forward. "We didn't expect you back so soon, my friend! How…"

That was all Harry heard as he raced by, past the crowds, out the back gate and down the road…

About a mile outside of town there was a very wide chasm, with cold unforgiving rapids waiting at the bottom of a five hundred foot drop. All that stood between a traveler and certain doom was an old rope bridge in questionable condition. Four mutant turtles (or aliens, depending on who you asked) lounged in front of that bridge, occasionally looking back down the road.

"Heads up guys," Don said, spotting a figure in the distance running towards them. "Here he comes."

"What's the time?" Leo asked.

Don checked his watch. "One hour and thirty-six minutes."

"Okay, who had the closest time in the 'how-long-until-Harry-runs-screaming-to-us-for-help' pool?" Leo asked.

"Me!" Mike grinned, checking the chart. "One hour and thirty minutes! You all have to do my chores for two weeks!"

Mike had no time to revel in his victory, as Harry was upon them in record time and showing no signs of slowing down. Raph stepped into his path to intercept him, and was almost bowled over. "Stop, Harry! Just stop!" Raph snapped, struggling to keep his grip on the scrawny yet surprisingly strong human.

"Can't stop! They're coming! We gotta get outta here!" Harry cried.

"Who? Who's coming?" Leo asked.

"Hey, what's that?" Mike asked, pointing up the road. A wall of white was heading straight towards them, leaving a massive dirt cloud in its wake.

"KILLER RABBITS!" Harry screamed, breaking away from Raph. "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" He raced out onto the bridge, which began to sway violently. Forced to slow down, he made his way across as quickly as he could, his fear of heights easy trumped by the fear of being ripped to shreds.

The pure terror in Harry's voice, coupled by his actions, was enough for the turtles to follow his lead without argument. They began to make their way across the rickety old bridge as quickly as they could, but it wasn't nearly fast enough; in no time the rabbits were upon them. The turtles tried to fight them off, but the confining structure of the bridge made it impossible for them to use their weapons or their feet against the furry menace. Instead, they tried in vain to swat them off with their hands.

"AGH!" Raph cried as one rabbit sunk its teeth into his palm. "This can't be happening! We can't actually be getting our shells kicked by a bunch of fluffy white bunnies!"

"Fluffy white bunnies with really sharp claws and fangs and bloodstained fur!" Mike cried as he desperately clawed at the rabbits on his shell.

"We're doomed!" Harry whined.

"We've only got one chance!" Don cried. "Leo…"

"Way ahead of you bro! Hang on guys!" Leo said, drawing his katana. He sliced through one side of the bridge. They clung to the other side as the bridge swayed back and forth from the shift in balance, dumping several of the rabbits into the raging river below. Unfortunately, there were still many rabbits left, and they continued their attack, scarcely missing a beat. Leo raised his katana again.

"WAIT!" Harry screamed just as the blade sliced into the rope and sent them all hurdling towards the water. "I CAN'T ….."

Harry awoke to someone compressing his chest three times. He opened his eyes to see Don's face looming in front of him. "I'm fine!" He cried, sitting up so quickly that Don was knocked back on his shell.

"That's it! You guys need to learn CPR!" Don snapped at his brothers as he got to his feet.

"Hey, I voted to throw him back!" Raph huffed.

Harry looked around. They were sitting on the bank of the river, which had emerged from the mouth of the chasm and emptied into a quiet lake. He had no idea how long he had been out, and no idea how far they had been carried by the river. "Where are we?" He asked.

"No idea," Leo sighed. "Mikey, get the map out of my backpack, willya?"

The moment Mike opened Leo's bag a furry white ball shot out, aiming for the turtle's throat. The startled turtle caught it just in time, falling backwards onto his shell. "GUYS! HELP!" He screamed as he struggled to keep the foaming, snarling bunny at bay.

"Hang on Mikey!" Don cried, pulling his Bo from behind his back. He swung at the bunny and connected, but instead of being knocked into next week, the animal clung to the Bo and attacked it with the same ferocity intended for Mike. Don quickly swung the Bo around and jammed it into Leo's backpack. Leo and Raph quickly tied it closed, and threw their weight on top of it; after more than a minute of angry jumping, the backpack finally settled down.

Raph picked up the bag and was about to hurl it into the river when Leo stopped him. "Don't, Raph! We need those supplies, considering how we lost two backpacks when we fell off the bridge." He shot an angry look at Harry, who was too busy wringing out his jacket to notice.

"And how are we supposed to get to them with that thing inside waiting to take our heads off?" Raph snapped.

Leo sighed. "I don't know. We'll just have to figure it out later." He unzipped the side pocket of his backpack and pulled out the map ("you could have mentioned it was in there before I let Bunny-zilla loose!" Mike grumped). Soon they were on their way once more.

The suns were beginning to set once more as they arrived at an ancient, crumbling temple. "This is it," Don said, looking up from the map. "According to the Scribes, the gateway is in the main chamber."

"Finally," Raph sighed. "Let's hurry up and get out of here before we run into any more nasty surprises!"

As if on cue, the air was suddenly filled with the sounds of shouting. An angry mob, clad in torn and bloody clothes, and armed with torches and pitchforks, appeared on the horizon.

"THERE THEY ARE!" Julie screamed. "THE PHONY CHOSEN ONE AND THE ONES WHO BROUGHT HIM HERE! GET THEM!"

The mob rushed forward, yelling and cursing. The turtles and Harry beat a hasty retreat into the temple. Rushing into the main chamber, they quickly pushed the doors shut; unfortunately, they were made of wood, and like the rest of the temple, were ancient and rotting away.

"Don, you and Harry get to work on the gate. Mike, Raph, help me keep this door shut!" Leo yelled. The three turtles threw their weight against the door while Harry and Don ran up to the giant puzzle box.

Don quickly pulled out a piece of paper with his calculations and quickly scanned it. "Okay, Harry, we have to turn it forty degrees to the left, and then sixty-five degrees to the right." He and Harry began to push.

"Hurry, Don! This door won't hold much longer!" Mike yelled over the angry pounding against the wood. A pitchfork crashed through the door just inches from his head.

"We're going as fast as we can!" Don yelled as he and Harry finished turning the box to the right. He checked the paper again. "Okay, now we turn it to the left twenty degrees, and that should do it…"

The hinges started to give way as the door splintered and cracked under the massive pressure coming from the other side. "Don, we have to go NOW!" Leo yelled. He and Mike and Raph leaped forward just as the door came crashing down. As the angry mob poured into the chamber, the gate began to hum and glow. The room was enveloped in a white light, and the next thing Leo knew he was hitting the ground hard, landing in something soft and cold. He looked around and saw he was sitting in snow…a whole lot of snow.

Leo got to his feet. "Is everybody here?" He asked.

A few yards away, his brothers were also getting to their feet. "Yeah, we're all here…unfortunately," Raph said. He glared at Harry, who was too busy shaking snow out of his pants to notice.

Half a mile away was the welcomed sight of New York City. "All right, we're home!" Mike said. "But…what's with all the snow?"

"Hey, a little snow isn't that unusual for this time of year," Harry said.

"Uh, guys? I think this is more than just a little snow," Don gulped. "Look around you."

Harry sighed in exasperation. "I see the city right in front of us, and there's the Statue of Liberty behind us…" Suddenly it dawned on him. "Hey, where's the harbor?"

"I think…we're standing on it," Leo whispered in disbelief.

The others looked around. They were indeed standing…yes, standing…on New York Harbor, which was now a frozen sheet of ice and snow. Everything was covered in a thick white blanket from the city to the distant horizon, where it met with a cold grey sky. Aside from the five of them, there were no signs of life anywhere…

TBC…

a/n: Whew! That was one tough chapter to write! I wanted to create a crazy world that was a tribute to Monty Python, but as I found out, it's darn near impossible to match their insane comic wit! Anyway, I hope you liked, and I'll try to get the next chapter up quicker!