|Condensed Fellowship of the Ring
Author: Varietygirl9143 PM
The First of Three! Our heroes are stuck being... well, heroes. Pippin likes shiny things! Sam hasn't got a clue about anything! Merry likes BLTs! Frodo must put up with them all! Random. [UNDERGOING INTENSE HUMOR RECONSTRUCTION]Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Humor/Adventure - Words: 1,928 - Reviews: 8 - Favs: 2 - Published: 04-11-06 - Status: Complete - id: 2887173
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
We (my friend and me) don't own Lord of the Rings. Personally, I would love to, but LOTR, and all things related, belong to the bloody brilliant J.R.R. Tolkien.
The Fellowship of the Ring, Condensed
A long time ago; the ruling Rings are made and given to each race.
Sauron: Hey! I didn't get one! I'm gonna go make my own! --Makes the one Ring-- Ah, that's better! I think I'll go take over the world! DIE, PEOPLE, DIE!
People of Middle Earth: AHHHH! Hail Sauron!
A handful of men and elves; Hey! Not cool! We liked being free! We're gonna come destroy you!
Sauron: Oh, no you don't! RAAAAAAAR! Fear me! --breaks Elendil's sword--
Elendil: AGGGH! --Dies--
Isildur: You killed my father. Prepare to DIE!
Isildur chops off Sauron's fingers, which fall to the ground with the Ring.
Sauron's body crashes to the ground, and becomes a weird bodiless spirit thing. Isildur takes the Ring, but does not throw it into the nearby volcano.
Audience: Wow, He's a big, power-hungry jerk! But, like all the power-hungry jerks, he's gonna die.
Several years later; Isildur is riding by a big river.
Orcs: HA! AMBUSH!
Isildur: Oh no! I think this is a good time to take the Ring for a swim! --jumps in the river, but the Ring falls off his finger.-- Hey, Ring! Come back here!
The Orcs shoot Isildur and kill him.
Isildur: Hey, no fair attacking a man when he's down! --dies--
Audience: What'd we tell you!
The same river, centuries later; Sméagol and Deagol find the Ring and start fighting for it.
Sméagol and Deagol: Mine! Mine! Mine!
Deagol: Fine. It's yours. --dies--
Audience: Wow, lots of people die in this movie.
Sméagol: Man, I hate the world. I'm gonna go underground for a few centuries. Bye!
Underground close to a lake, a century ago; Bilbo stubs his toe.
Bilbo: Ouch! Oh, look, a Ring! I'll keep it.
Sméagol: Nooooo! The Precious is lost! I must find it! --paddles to the shore-- Hey, who are you? Do you taste good?
Bilbo: I am Bilbo Baggins of the Shire. As to how I taste, I've never gotten hungry enough to resort to self-cannibalism.
People who have read the books: Where were the riddles? The riddles were the best part!
People who have not read the books: Huh? What riddles?
The Shire; Bilbo has a birthday party, and invites every inhabitant of the Shire.
Hobbits in general: YAY! Party! Party!
Bilbo: Some of you I really like. Some of you --gives a meaningful glance at the Sackville-Bagginses-- I hate. Goodbye! --puts the Ring on and disappears--
After the Party;
Bilbo: Well, I'm gonna leave now! Bye Gandalf!
Gandalf: Are you leaving everything to Frodo?
Bilbo: Yes……. The Ring too, I guess.
Gandalf: Good. See you later!
Frodo: Where's Bilbo?
Gandalf: He left. Don't use the Ring. I need to leave for about a decade.
Frodo: Ok, bye. Nice fireworks, by the way.
10 years later;
Gandalf: Well, this is the enemy's One Ring.
Frodo: What should I do?
Gandalf: Get out of the Shire. Fast. --pulls Sam through the window -- you, go with him.
Sam: Umm, ok.
Gandalf: I'll meet you in Bree, at the Inn of the Prancing Pony, if I'm not kidnapped at Isengard by a turned-evil Saruman.
Somewhere in the countryside;
Frodo: Hi Merry! Hi Pippin!
Merry: Hi! Do you want a carrot? Wait, run away from that moving scythe!
Frodo: Quick, jump off this cliff!
Everybody jumps off the cliff.
Pippin: Look! Mushrooms!
Frodo: Get off the road, quick!
The hobbits hide under a log. A black rider comes. Frodo almost uses the Ring, but stops when Sam punches him. Merry throws a bag of mushrooms at Pippin's head, and the black rider leaves.
Frodo: We need to get to Bree. Quick, get on this boat!
Bree, at the Inn of the Prancing Pony;
Frodo: Hi. We want to see Gandalf.
Butterbur: Too bad, He's not here. Have some rooms, and maybe he'll come later.
Frodo: Oh, dear, Pippin's being an idiot. Again. I'll go put on the Ring and vanish while everybody's watching me!
Frodo puts on the Ring, and shows the black riders where he is.
Strider: You know, you are an idiot, Frodo Baggins. Let me travel with you. I'll keep you safe.
Frodo: I'm not so sure, but ok.
Frodo goes up to Strider's room. Later, Sam, Merry, and Pippin come up.
Frodo: This is Strider. He'll be traveling with us now.
Strider: Don't go to your rooms. If you do, the black riders will kill you.
Hobbits: That sounds dangerous and potentially painful!
The hill of Weathertop;
Strider: This place is called Weathertop. Take these swords. Poke anyone you don't know with them.
Pippin: Oh, thanks, I guess… pulls sword out of scabbard Ooh! It GLITTERS!
Strider: Ok, I'm going to go explore and leave you little people to fend for yourselves!
Strider leaves. Frodo goes to sleep. Merry, Pippin, and Sam make BLTs. Frodo wakes up.
Frodo: Um, don't you think the men in black will see the toaster?
Sam: Oh yeah, I didn't think about that.
The hobbits see the men in black surrounding Weathertop.
Frodo: What did I tell you! C'mon, let's get to the top of the mountain!
Top of the mountain;
Men in Black: Give us the Ring and our Master will take over the world and kill you. Doesn't that sound like fun?
Sam: Don't touch my master!
Sam attempts to engage the chief man in black in a sword-fight. The man in black hits Sam with his sword and throws him across Weathertop. Merry and Pippin cower on fear. Frodo puts on the Ring, and consequently gets stabbed.
Strider saves the day by throwing a burning stick into the man in blacks face.
Man in Black: OW!
Strider and Sam go off to find a weed. Arwen almost sticks her sword through Striders neck.
Arwen: Let me take the cute, little person to Rivendell.
Strider: I'll do it.
Arwen: No, you need to share. It's my turn to take care of the little person.
Strider: Fine, you win.
Several days later, in Rivendell;
Frodo wakes up to find Gandalf sitting next to him.
Frodo: Gandalf! How am I alive?
Gandalf: Oh, I made a tsunami when the black riders tried to get across the river.
Frodo: So, are they dead?
Gandalf: No, but they have to go get more horses, and Sauron is gonna be angry at them for not getting the Ring. By the way, Saruman is evil. That's why I couldn't meet you in Bree.
The council of Elrond;
Elrond: So, somebody needs to take the shiny thing to Mordor and throw it into the volcano, yada yada yada.
Each race thinks they should do it.
Frodo: (trying to butt into the conversation, screams) I'll do it!
Sam: You can't separate us! I'm going with him!
Pippin: YAY! Vacation! Wait a second, where are we going?
Merry: I wanna come see a volcano!
Elrond: I'll pick the Fellowship members now: Strider, Legolas, Gimli, Boromir, and you too, Gandalf!
Pippin: Where are we going? Bahamas?
The Fellowship travels south and eventually gets to Caradhras Mountain, which is covered in snow.
Gandalf: What does this sign mean? "Beware of falling mountain" What does that mean! Yes, I hear you Saruman, you're trying to bring a thunderstorm to shatter the mountain and it falls on us. Hey, maybe THAT is what the sign means.
The mountain falls on the fellowship.
Gimli: Let's go through Moria. We'll be welcomed by my relative, Balin. It'll be warmer, too.
Frodo: Yes, let's!
Gandalf: Ring-bearer says so. Let's go.
The fellowship reaches Moria, and is attacked by a mutant squid/octopus thing. They enter the mines, and travel and travel…. Eventually, Gimli sees Balin's tomb.
Gimli: Noooooo! He's dead!
Pippin: What happens if I twist this arrow in this skeleton?
Pippin twists the arrow, and the skeleton falls down the hole.
Gandalf: Fool of a Took! Now we must fight some goblins!
Boromir: All right! They have a cave-troll! I've always wanted to fight one of these.
After the battle…
Gandalf: Quick, let's get out of here!
As they are running, they see a fire.
Gandalf: Oh, no! A Balrog of Morgoth! RUN!
The Bridge of Khazad-Dum;
Pippin: I am not afraid of heights! I am not afraid of heights! I am not afraid of heights!
Gandalf: YOU SHALL NOT PASS! THE DARK FIRE WILL NOT AVAIL YOU, FLAME OF UDUN! Blah blah blah. --breaks bridge.--
Balrog: ROAR! --falls, but as it falls, it whips Gandalf's leg.--
Gandalf: Fly, you fools! --Falls--
Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin: Noooooo!
Everybody (except Gandalf, who fell into the big abyss) goes to Lothlorien
Galadriel: I'm sorry that Gandalf's dead. Spend the night here. Hey, Frodo, do you want to look at some water?
Frodo: Ok! Looks AHHHH! The Eye of Sauron! Run for your lives! --takes a deep breath-- Ok, I'm done panicking now!
Galadriel: Here are some swords, a box, my hair, a bow, a belt, and this futuristic flashlight. Divvy them up among yourselves!
Pippin: I got this sword, but I already have one. --Pulls new sword out of scabbard-- OOH! This one glitters too!
Merry: What's with you and glittery things?
Galadriel: Have these pins, these boats, and some bread, too. Bye!
Everybody: Bye! --Jumps in the boats and leaves--
Boromir: Frodo, give me the Ring! NOW!
Audience: He's a bigger power-hungry jerk that that Isildur guy!
Frodo: NO! --Punches Boromir where it hurts and then runs away-- what's this big chair doing here? Ahh! Orcs! I have to get out of here!
Strider: Frodo, run! I'll kill the orcs! Go to Mordor with Sam! Bye!
Boromir: I'll protect you, Merry and Pippin! --Throw rocks at the orcs-- ARGH! I'm dying! Remember this in Minas Tirith! --falls over with 5 arrows in him--
Audience: YAY! The power hungry jerk got what he deserved!
Orc 17: Take the Halflings!
Orc 2: Ok!
The orcs take Merry and Pippin to Isengard.
Strider, Legolas, and Gimli: At least Frodo and Sam are safe… for now, at least…
Strider: I'll go find Boromir.
Boromir: I tried to take the Ring from Frodo. I'm dead now. --dies--
Strider: Ok. --Legolas and Gimli come-- Let's go find Merry and Pippin! Then we can go and save Middle-Earth!
Please review! John and I have worked long and hard through many of our brothers' gymnastics meets to write this; it's harder than it sounds. As soon as we finish Two Towers and Return of the King, I'll post them—never fear.
If you'd like to read more random stuff, well, check out my bio or read Hogwarts Meets FanFiction… that's about as random as it gets.