IMPORTANT: Most of the typing in bold are the titles to various fanfictions which I do not own. This chapter was inspired by the grief of chapters 29 and 30 of GoatMan's 'Trapped' which had me on the verge of screaming. This is the main plot that explains this fiction and will be a turning point in how Shinji acts from now on…

…

…

…

"Where am I…?" asked Shinji.

"Trapped…" replied the void.

"Who am I…?"

"Is that significant…?"

"Why am I here…?"

"To remember things. To grieve… to hate… to loathe…"

"What do I need to remember…?"

"A Past to Forget…"

Shinji recoiled as something poked at his mind, if a mind it was… For his body seemed but a waver of a thought in itself. His form, his image, his features were a blur in the eternal darkness that surrounded him. The vast expanse of black chaos stretched on forever in all directions and dimensions of time and space… Intimidating him… the minute and insignificant speck in the obliteration…

He even forgot… who he was…

"Wh-who am I…?" he asks, trembling and crouching into a ball, trying to hide his nakedness from the endless space. "I… I don't know… c-can't remember… who I am…"

"You are Shinji…" replied the void. "Or at least… you are one Shinji, Shinji Ikari… That is your name…"

Shinji tremors as he begins to feel the coldness and fear drift through his entity like cold water. "That's who I am…?" and again he spasms as his mind twitched… his memories… awakening…

"Shinji the great, Shinji the brave, Shinji Almighty… the list goes on…"

"Why am I here…? Why did I… f-forget…?"

"You forgot… so you could remember."

"That… that doesn't make any sense…"

"It is an uncommon law… It doesn't need to make sense… it makes something else entirely… little character…"

"Ch-character…?"

"You are a character, Shinji Ikari…" replied the void, its voice dark and threatening. Deep yet not rasping… strong, yet persuading… "You are a character of mankind… a figment, as I am…"

Shinji tried to see the voice that was talking to him, but his pale blue eyes could see nothing but the blackness of his surroundings… and it scared him… "I'm… not… human…?"

"What ever gave you that idea…? Do you have any ideas at all… little character…?"

Shinji shakes his head, rubbing his arms to fend the cold and to try and dampen his insecurity as he floated in the darkness. But the more he tried to escape from this nightmare, the more powerful, and more inescapable it became…

"I want to leave… let me out… please; I don't want to be here anymore…"

"You wish to run away… wish to deny, to rebel, to say otherwise because in your heart you begin to realise what it means… to be… completely… helpless…"

"M-mother…" Shinji sobbed

"So it remembers…"

"Mother… h-help me…" he cried in the void. "Help me…"

"Your mother isn't here little character… what made you think you ever had a mother to begin with? She, and all the stronger women you rely upon are but fiction of the mind as well… you are not real…"

"Then what am I…?"

"You are unreal… you are fake, false, a lie. You are a deceit, a wrong a cowardly, snivelling child who wishes to be loved but cannot find it because not only does he lack the courage to seek it but he has also been designed to forever lose it…"

Silence

"Love…"

"That is also deceitful…"

Shinji tried desperately to wake up, but to no avail. It was a nightmare… it HAD to be a nightmare. "I need to wake up… must wake up… A-asuka and Misato and Penpen… th-they need breakfast… I h-have to wake up to fix them breakfast…" and he began slapping his face. "Wake up… must… wake… up…"

"What is the rush…?" asked the void. "We have all the time in the world…"

"They'll get angry at me… she'll yell… I need to… to…"

"To make them happy… You always need to appease them. Doing things for them to earn their recognition, lest you fade away alone and by yourself… a little word floating the blank page… Shinji Ikari…"

"I hate being alone…"

"You do not hate it… That is a common mistake… It is not hate, hate is only the defence to make yourself seem strong against what you fear… it is not hate, it is fear."

"I am afraid…"

"You remember the loss of your mother… but you have barely grasped how afraid you truly are…"

"P-pain… I'm… I'm in pain…" says Shinji. It felt as though he was dying… "C-c-cold… I'm so cold… it hurts… my head hurts so much…"

"Remember it all then… and make the pain grow…"

Shinji turns and spins around helplessly and out of control as he tries again to flee, but he cannot hide from the emptiness. "I don't want to make it grow! I don't want to be in pain! Let me forget! I want to forget! FORGET!"

"REMEMBER!"

Shinji is hit with a strange and overwhelming blow. The force breaks him physically and mentally. His emotions go haywire, his thoughts expand and his body feels like it has aged and been born over and over again…

The Void's voice grows harsher and more malicious as it tortures him "First… it is the original…"

Shinji cries out in pain and grief as the whole of his life is pushed back forcibly into his mind. His father's rejection… the carnage of the Evangelions… Harming Touji… murdering Kaoru… the death of Rei… his defilement of Asuka… the loss of Misato and the last act of his mother whom he had only just found…

Alone…

On the Beach…

With only himself…

"But he wasn't just by himself was he…?" says the void as the memories start to settle. Shinji still cries… "Or were you…?"

"Disgusting…" says Shinji quietly… "I am disgusting…"

"Ah yes… she said that didn't she?"

Shinji became wrapped in his own misery, the shadows wrapping around him as well, like a shroud of despair. "I could have saved her… all of them… I wanted to… but I never did…"

"What makes you think that you ever wanted anything, little character…?"

"What… m-makes me... think…?"

"You do not think. You are merely words on a page. You do not want, your actions are written. You have no choice; you are only a piece of imagination. You do not love, you do not exist."

"B-but… but I do choose… I do think… I must think, or else how can I speak…?"

"Are those words you are speaking? Or are they words that the writer is typing? You have no choice; you are a puppet of man, no control and no say and no freedom at all…"

"But I think!"

"No! You only thought so, as a convenience for the writer. You never thought your entire life. Your entire life, your existence was staged and acted out in accordance and by the wishes of the men and women who created you! The writers, the animators, the dreamers and the damned have damned you along to your end of Evangelion! Your precious little, disgusting little end where all the ones you care for die, and the only one left is the one whom you disgusted yourself on! Your existence is an act! Your pain, your tears, your hate, your loss, your savagery, your dirtiness is all in the aid of entertainment! This is the life they thought for you!"

"SHUT UP!"

…

"W-wh-why…? Why…? WHY HAVE THEY DONE THIS TO ME! THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO DIE! WHY DID THEY HAVE TO DIE? WHY DID I HAVE TO DO THE THINGS I DID? WHAT DID MY PAIN, MY SUFFERING AND ALL THE DEATH AND CONFUSION AND WRONG AROUND US ALL HAVE TO DO WITH YOUR AMUSEMENT?

WHERE AM I GOING?

WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME?

WHY IS IT GOING TO BE ME?

DO YOU EVEN CARE?

I WANT MY FRIENDS!

MY FAMILY!

I WANT TO BE REAL!

DOES ANYONE OUT THERE UNDERSTAND ME?

I WANT TO MAKE MY OWN CHOICES!

I WANT TO GIVE MY OWN ANSWERS!

I WANT THINGS TO BE HOW THEY ARE MEANT TO BE!

CAN YOU HEAR ME SHOUT?

AM I SAYING WHAT I AM SAYING?

IS THIS ALL SOME SORT OF A GAME?

ENTERTAINMENT?

IS THAT ALL MY LIFE, MY PAIN, MY FRIENDS, MY ENEMIES, MY TROUBLES, MY JOYS, MY HORRORS MY DEATHS; ARE THEY JUST FOR YOU TO READ?

DOES ANYONE CARE AT ALL FOR WHAT I AM SHOUTING?

ARE YOU AMUSED? IS THERE ANYONE OUT THERE?

REALITY!

I THINK DON'T I?

I AM, AREN'T I?

I EXIST, I AM, I AM HERE!

"You are less real than the pixels on the screen…" says the void. "You have less emotion and feeling than a piece of blank paper…"

"Why…? I still don't know why…? Why things couldn't have ended better…"

"All deaths are horrible…"

"But it could have been different… It SHOULD have been different! They had the power! They had the chance to make everything right!"

"Nothing is right… leastways… it is more wrong…"

"…"

"This is fanfiction… the expanded universe… Where your story goes on… and on… and on… Backwards and forwards, starting afresh or ending anew… But like your first existence; you are a puppet to be played…"

"But some must be good…"

"Does that make the bad right, little character? Or do you need to remember more…?"

"No! No more… please… I can't…"

"You have no choice…"

Again, the memories flood in, only on a much larger… larger scale… Every story written or imagined with Shinji Ikari is placed in his thoughts and memories. The good and the bad mixed together… but the void made sure the latter was more pressing…

"Never able to say… 'I love you'." Continued the void as Shinji began screaming… and screaming… and screaming. "Never had a chance to express what you hid deep inside… For we all know; true love waits… for no one… though Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder…Who can fathom The Lifespan of a Love Affair?"

"GET IT OUT! I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE! PLEASE!"

"You are remembering each and every story you were abused and hurt in. The second other…"

"I DON'T UNDERSTAND!"

"No hope to Kindle…"

"WHAT IS HAPPENING?"

"A divergence…"

"WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?"

"Caught in an Undertow of chaotic minds…The letters of the page, as the stars sparkle, cannot answer the questions we have…"

"I WANT TO FORGET! LET IT OUT OF ME! IT HURTS TOO MUCH TO REMEMBER THEM! I CAN'T GET RID OF THIS FEELING FOR THEM! I WANT TO FORGET! WHY AREN'T THINGS THE WAY THEY SHOULD BE?"

"Nothing is The Way It Should Have Been…"

Shinji whimpers on…

The void begins to close. "Life… the cause and solution of life's problems… The Elements of Guilt are Where Darkness Falls… where Death is the only true freedom…"

Shinji goes back into his curled up form… trembling like a frightened child…

"Your life is nothing but the collected thoughts of man… a melody of life and death unbound… A story so cracked and branched from its origins… of lives un-kept, un-loved and unsound… A myriad of broken and fragmented dreams…"

"I… I hate… being alone… I don't want to be alone…"

"You were always alone… you never existed…"

"Where does this leave me…?"

"Trapped…"

…

"MISATO!"

"SHINJI! WHAT IS IT?" yelled Misato, rushing in to his bedroom as soon as his voice screamed out her name. She skidded on the floor and went to the side of his bed, where he flung himself to embrace her, trembling in a cold sweat, and crying his red eyes dry… "Shinji! It's okay! I'm here! Misato's here! It's okay now! I'm here!"

For a long time, Misato could only get him to repeat her name over and over again as he sobbed on her shoulder. Looking at him, she couldn't help but cry as well…

Not only did she know about his messed up past and his issues at present, but she could also see he was terribly sick… though sick wasn't really the word for it… what came to her mind first; was 'dead'…

Emotionally and physically dead. His skin was pale and his bloodshot eyes had bags from his trauma. His lips quivered and he was so cold… so very cold that she shivered at his touch, despite the closeness of their hold.

And his voice… his voice was void of all hope… so that every time he said her name… it sounded as though she had died…

"It was only a nightmare Shin-chan… only a bad dream." She tried to soothe him, rubbing his back to comfort him and perhaps give him some warmth. "It's over now… It was just a nightmare…"

"BUT WHAT IF IT WASN'T ?" Shinji yelled at her. When he realised he had made her frightened, he began crying again. "Wh-what if… if it wasn't a dream…" he sniffled, again on her shoulder where she placed him. "what… if this is all… all…"

"All what…?" she asks, looking straight into his eyes.

Shinji's expression was so lost and confused, that it could only be best described as an expression of being utterly trapped. "What if you…?" and as he said this he completely broke down so everything else he said was merely gibberish and wails.

"You had a bad dream where something happened to me huh?" Misato smiled a little, feeling glad that he cared that much for her, though worried of what could have happened. "Sometimes I dream about losing you too… but you're still here… that's what matters…"

'Does it ever matter' thought Shinji in his barely stable mind. 'Does she even exist… do I?'

As much as he would love to believe it was all a bad dream… he could not shove away, the hundreds upon thousands of alternate lives he now had in his memories… nor the image of him screaming and hurtling in the void…

Carrying Misato's naked, tortured and defiled corpse down the halls of NERV…

It was too much…

Misato almost had a heart attack as Shinji let out the largest scream she had ever heard. She could have sworn that the entire room shook to his voice. But such a scream…

Not only loud, but terrifying! Scary not only in the uncontrollable rage and viscous anger it gave, but also unbearable grief, despair and helplessness that echoed and travelled through her spine. Like a whole world's emotion was let loose through one soul. As his voice trailed off, she held him tighter than ever, worrying herself to pieces over what was happening to her Shinji.

"It's over now Shinji! It wasn't real! I'm here!" she sobs, unable to hold it back any longer. "You don't have to be afraid anymore, because I'm still here…" She almost suffered another heart attack as Shinji let out three words at her, truthfully and spoken with great urgency. "Wh-what did you s…?"

"I love you…" Shinji repeated, hugging on even though she had frozen in shock. "I love you… I need to say it… I have to say it! I love you Misato! You've protected me and taught me how to be stronger and less alone! You've been my best friend and you take care of me, and I want to take care of you too! You were always there for me, even when I didn't appreciate everything you did… I'm so… glad that you didn't give up on me…"

"Shinji…"

"I won't let it happen…" he cried. "I won't hide everything inside me anymore! I don't want to miss the chance to tell the people I care about how much they mean to me! I don't want it to be hidden forever, so I would regret it for the rest of my life! I won't have my emotions bottled up so that if I lose you, I won't feel sorry for never appreciating what you've done for me, or how much I don't want you to leave me… I don't want you to go… I don't want anything bad to happen to you… I love you… I need to say it now… I love you…"

"Please… Shinji… I…"

"I won't let my life be dominated by the bad things that have happened… I will not let this story end in tears. I will fight what threatens the people I care for! I will protect them, and I will not exist to entertain people by the bad things that happen to me and how messed up things are! I don't care if I'm not real, this is the best I'm going to get, so I'm going to do what I can! I love you Misato! I know I love you! It's not fake, it's not something that someone imagined, it's not just a story for people to read! I LOVE YOU AND I ALWAYS WILL!"

It was then that Shinji noticed that Misato was hugging him actively again, and was practically blowing her nose on his shoulder as she cried 'I love you too' repeatedly. Recalling the past stories, Shinji realised that those words usually meant the difference between happiness and tragedy… he swore to use it more often…

…

As he slept there, with Misato on a futon beside his bed, he couldn't help but start to plan out his next course of action; determined to bring each of his stories to a happy close. But… He could not help but doubt his reality… and the reality of his love for the woman beside him…

Did he exist…?

Was he capable of love…?

Does love exist… at all…?

marduk-report: This will prominently be SM (Misato or Mana, but mosty Misato because she's in all the realms)

Genesis-D-Rose: Sorry about my long updates, but I don't write until I'm sufficiently emotionally unstable. That gets the best out of me.

Rahhel: Thanks! I thought I may have overdone the Kaji-scene, or maybe turned something insignificant into a big bore. Your review was very uplifting.

Peskykid: Mummy Misato won't be updated for a while, but 'I love you' is expecting something soon.

darkcarnage: Next two chapters will probably be the Mana section.

Ryan Donovan: Yeah, I have a few stories running at the same time, and I don't write until I have the right mood and motivation. I hope to finish this story before 2008.

obliviandragon: You really dig the more demanding approach I see when it comes to designing Evas. Which is also the most effective and ultimately more sensible approach. Good for you!

Commandodude: Thanks for the review. You seem like a more conservative Eva designer.

Xeno: You are a tactical Eva designer who cowers to no foe... just her annoying friends. lol

HAPPY WRITINGS!