A/N: Who would like to hang me by my thumbs? How about a good old fashioned whipping? Or perhaps a Chuck Norris roundhouse in the shins? No? I guess that means I won't undergo any pain for making you wait this atrociously long time. I really am sorry about that guys. Hopefully, this chapter will earn me forgiveness, but I doubt it's that good.

Chapter Seven: An Attempt to Remember.

"Oh Link, how I wish I was yours forever, how I long to gaze into your shimmering blue eyes, how I want to be held by you as your wife…" Ruto said as she gazed up at the love of her life.

Link smiled down at her before getting on one knee. "Ruto…Only now do I realize how much I truly love you. Malon is just a manure-covered idiot, and we've divorced. I know we're different species' but I don't care anymore. Will you marry me?"

Ruto gasped and tears filled her eyes. "Oh yes! Yes! Yes!" She cried. They kissed passionately, and Ruto was happier than she had ever been in her life…

…And then she woke up.

"Ruto!" Zelda yelled outside the door. "Get your lazy aquatic butt out of bed! We can't do everything for you around here!"

Ruto drowsily got her aquatic butt out of bed. (She was actually rather proud of her butt being aquatic, so she didn't mind that particular part of Zelda's insult.) As she did, she gazed at one of her twenty-seven pictures of Link, her nineteen Link-based poems, and thought of her popular 'Link Lovers Club', which now had approximately twenty-two female members. (The male ones she preferred not to count.)

She had also recently acquired a Malon Dart Board, and a Malon Punching Bag. For good reason, the other Sages frequently called Ruto's room 'The Shrine'.

As she left her room, Ruto continued the morose mood she had been in since Link and Malon had married. Stupid freakin' manure-covered tree-hugging animal nerd stole Link from me! She raged within her head. Her somewhat obsessive anger was interrupted however, as she overheard a fight in the Living Room of Sages.

"Listen Saria, I'm afraid that if you continue to refuse to give back my Diary, I will have to take drastic action."

"Oh yeah? Well I WILL give your Diary back…after you give my Ocarina back Nabooru!"

"The only reason I took it was because I was about to have a seizure from all your lousy playing!"

"Lousy? Why I oughta-" Suddenly, the argument stopped and Ruto heard Zelda's voice. "Alright, break it up!" Zelda yelled.

Ruto's eyes widened. That's it. I'll break 'em up! I'll break up Link and Malon! I'll find a way…and once I do, I'll charm Link so he'll marry me!

So overjoyed was Ruto at the prospect of her somewhat-insane idea, that she began to dance like a maniac. She danced and danced and danced…until she opened her eyes for a split second and saw all of the six Sages staring at her. "What?" She asked quizzically.

Ruto snickered evilly. This was gonna' be sweet!

She was currently crouched on top of the roof of Lon Lon Ranch, with only the prospect of sweet, sweet revenge on her mind. Actually, that wasn't entirely true, as the fact that she had been crouching here for three hours was also on her mind. And the fact that her rear end was starting to really hurt from the stone roof. She was also exceptionally hungry. Not to mention bored out of her fishy head.

All right, admittedly there was more than one thing on her mind, but chief among them was….hunger actually. What I wouldn't give for a nice Keese sandwich. She thought in agony. I wonder if Malon down there will give me something to-wait a second, Malon's down there! Finally!

Ruto quickly transformed into her blue ball of light, prepared herself for some serious acting, and flew down to Malon. "Malon!" She cried when she ceased to be a ball. "Malon, I've got terrible news!"

Malon jumped at Ruto's sudden entrance. "Ruto? What are you doing here? What's going on?"

Ruto tried to keep up her act. "Malon…I'm so sorry about all this, and I wish I didn't have to be the one to tell you this….But it's my duty as a Sage. First of all, where's Link?"

Malon shrugged. "He took the kids to Hyrule Castle Town. Why? What is it?"

It took all of Ruto's strength not to grin. "Good, he can't know I told you this. You see….I overheard him saying to himself that he…didn't love you anymore."

Malon gasped and covered her face with her hands. "No." She whispered, as if desperately trying to choke back emotion. Ruto nodded sorrowfully.

"In fact, he hates you. Hates your guts. Wishes you would drop dead. Come to think of it, I think he likes Ganondorf better than you." Ruto put her fishy hand on Malon's shoulder. "I'm so sorry Malon."

Malon hid her face from Ruto, and without saying a word, ran into the house and slammed the door behind her.

Ruto grinned ecstatically. Yes! She fell for it hook, line, and…I almost used an anti-fish term!

Ruto was happier than she had ever been in her life.

She expressed her great joy through loving kindness to her Sage companions, such as choking down a whole five helpings of Darunia's breakfast. Which had happened to be deep fried Cucco strips in a garlic dipping sauce. But she had hated it. Even though she had licked her plate clean after each helping. She had really hated it.

Another expression of her unconditional love for her brethren was toward Saria, the lousy little shr-the cute adorable little Forest Sage. When she had caught Saria drawing a moustache on one of her 'Linktures', as they called them, she had not screamed "Get out of my room before I send you out of the physical realm, you tree-hugging hippie!", but instead had quietly told said tree-hugging hippie to get out of her room before she sent her out of the physical realm.

Yes, Ruto was truly showing goodwill toward her friends.

As a further act of selflessness, she decided to go see how Malon was holding up. Did she have the hidden agenda of checking to see if her brilliant scheme had worked? Nayru forbid! Not in the slightest! Perhaps only a little! But a very little! Oh heck, why not?

Ruto landed at the entrance to Lon Lon Ranch, fully expecting to see Malon sobbing into one of those filthy horses' manes. Oddly, no such sight greeted the expectant fish-woman. However, upon further thought, Ruto came to the conclusion that even Malon had enough sense to cry into a pillow, or something else more hygienic than a horse's mane.

Upon discovering this, Ruto zipped over to the house, and whipped open the door to find Malon hysterically….cooking breakfast for her children. Well, she couldn't be expected to show such strong sadness in front of her little ones, of course. But no doubt she was dying inside.

Malon looked up, startled at the slightly perplexed Sage's dramatic entrance. Strangely, it almost seemed as though Malon was holding back….a smile?

"Oh, Ruto!" Malon exclaimed. "What a pleasant surprise.!"

Ruto cocked her head quizzically. "Uh….yeah, good to see you too. So uh….how've you been? What with that dreadful bit of news I gave you…."

To Ruto's mystification, Malon actually laughed. "Oh, don't worry about me." She chuckled. "I've been perfectly fine." She then jerked her head towards the upstairs bedroom. "Link!" She called. "Honey! Ruto's come to visit us!"

WHA? But how could….she had….but what about…..WHA?

The love of her life came bounding down the stairs, a huge grin of his face. "Hiya Ruto!" He greeted. Ruto just gawked.

"How've you been?" Link continued. "I was just getting ready to have breakfast with my beautiful, darling wife! You're welcome to join us, if you want!"

Where had it all gone wrong? What had happened? Oh…..she saw it all now. That dirty rotten stupid ugly piece of horse diarrhea had sabotaged it somehow! Ruto was certain of it! She would get back at Malon for this! SHE WOULD-

Ruto's thoughts of vengeance were cut short as she lost consciousness in Link and Malon's kitchen.

A/N: This may be the last chapter. Whether it's the penultimate or the final will depend on if I lose interest again or not. If it turns out to be the end, I'd just like to thank all my incredible reviewers for supporting this all the way through. Without them, I'd probably never have gotten past 'What Comes of Boredom'. You guys are awesome.