Author's Note: This crazy idea popped up in my head a little while ago, so I just had to carry it out. A Final Fantasy IX fanfic based on the movie Titanic, sounds simple enough, right?

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy IX belongs to Squaresoft, not me.

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Drifting Away (a Titanic parody)

by Krile

(part one)

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Twas a dark and stormy night...no, actually, it was a beautiful day, the crisp winter air drafting throughout the harbor of Lindblum. A chocobo-drawn carriage pulled up to the dock of the brand-new ship, and it’s passengers got out - a few nobles, a lady with a patch (not to be mistaken for a pirate), a ahem "knight", and the qu- er, mistress herself, Brahne Alexandros.

“Mother! I cannot get out! Move your fat ass out of the way!”

Brahne turned and growled at the person remaining in the carriage. “What did you say?”

“Er, please?”

Brahne smiled, a very ugly smile indeed. “That’s better.”

The person stepped out of the carriage, wearing a gorgeous pintafore, and a white straw hat covering a lot of her face. She brushed her long, dark brown hair out of her way and looked up at what would be her home for the next couple of weeks. “So, this is the Titanic?”

Brahne scoffed. “Of course it is, Garnet dear, what did you think it was? The Hilda Garde 5? Now THAT was a pile of crap!”

Garnet Til Alexandros continued to stare at the Titanic, a massive ship indeed. It reached far across the entire harbor, and was possibly the biggest ship built to date.

“I heard the great Titanic is nearly thirty tons!” exclaimed the carriage-driver (who just so HAPPENS to be a moogle).

Garnet looked at the young moogle quizzically. “Are you sure? My mother weighs just about that much!”

“Hush, dear!” The que- oops, "lady", snapped. “We’d best be going in now. WE get to go FIRST class!” Brahne smiled smugly.

A few people turned to glare at Brahne. “Well, LAH-dee-freakin’-dah!” one man spat.

Adelbert Stiener, the so-called "knight" (cough), smirked grimly, ignoring the rude people. “Shall we be going, my dear?” he asked, putting his arm around Garnet.

Garnet leaned over and whispered in her mother’s ear, “Now WHY do I have to marry HIM, again?”

“Financial problems, sweetie. With Steiner as your husband, we’ll be living the high life!”

“But he’s TWICE my age! Why can’t he marry YOU?”

Brahne rolled her eyes. “Shut up, dear, and get on the boat.”

“But-” Garnet protested.

“I said GET ON THE BOAT!”

“Fine,” Garnet replied, turning her heels and walking up the plank. “...Bitch...”

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Meanwhile, in a bar nearby (how CONVENIENT), a young man was trying his luck in gambling, which he was losing badly so far.

“HA!” the other person shouted, throwing his hand of cards on the table. “Beat THAT!”

The blonde one frowned slightly, then groaned. “AW! Looks like you got me again, Marcus!”

Marcus grinned. “I’m sure whipping your ass today, Zidane! Now show me your hand.”

This time, it was Zidane Tribal’s turn to smirk as he gently laid his cards down on the table. “PSYCH! I win!”

“Dammit!”

“Now whacha got?” Zidane asked coyly, extending his hand.

Marcus looked thoughtful for a minute. “How about...hmm, these?” He held out three tickets. “Tickets to board Titanic. FIRST CLASS!”

“WOO!” exclaimed Zidane, grabbing the tickets. “I’ll TAKE ‘em! I’ve always wanted to visit Alexandria...hey, wait a minute! These are THIRD CLASS!”

Marcus smirked. “Heh, you’d think a peasant like me would be able to afford first class?”

Zidane frowned. “No, I thought you stole them.”

Silence.

“GET OUT!”

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Outside the bar, Zidane was eyeing his tickets eagerly. “Hmm, who should I bring with me? My best friend, Blank, of course, but who else...?”

“MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEEEE!” a voice rang from the distance.

Zidane groaned loudly. “Oh NO! Not her! Anything but her!”

A cloud of smoke came speeding towards Zidane like a bullet and stopped in front of him. When the smoke cleared, Zidane’s fears came true. Standing in front of him was little Eiko Carol, official cutie and neighborhood pain-in-the-ass.

“HI, ZIDANE! HIHIHIHI! I WANT TO COME! CAN I COME? PLEASEPLEASE?” she screeched, jumping up and down with excitement.

Zidane rolled his eyes. “No! Now quit bothering me for the LAST time!”

Eiko’s eyes burned from behind her bangs. “You BETTER bring me, Zidane Tribal, or I’ll summon Madeen on you!”

Zidane froze. “Errr...okay, I changed my mind, then.” He forced a smile.

Eiko’s eyes lit up. “YAY!”

Zidane sighed. “Now what have I gotten myself into?”

to be continued...