Author: EmeraldEyez1728 PM
What would happen if McGonagall decided to take a day off...and Sirius and James were left in charge of her class? Mayhem included and marauder chaoskind of OOC but that's what makes it fun! RR kids. no longer a oneshotRated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Minerva M. & James P. - Words: 3,703 - Reviews: 41 - Favs: 31 - Follows: 30 - Published: 04-20-06 - id: 2903600
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
A/N: alrite so I'm writing this for Wildchild1334, who approached me with this idea and was under the illusion that I could pull it off. Well, here you go, I'm not sure if it's exactly what you wanted, but I hope its to your liking. As for everyone else, this is a bit nonsensical and possibly out of character, but don't we all live for things like that? Anyway, this is sort of a drabble if you think about it, but give it a chance.Was originally a oneshot, but ended up being a short fic. Probably wont be more than 5 chapters at most. Right, well, onto it:
Seventh year Transfiguration was a pretty useless class. Sixth year and below would fear Minerva McGonagall. They would cower under her evil death glare that was said to have sent a first year into a panic attack at one point during her teaching career. But, over the years of experience, the many detentions, and the efforts of trying to get her to smile by calling her "Min-Min", the seventh years have become immune to it.
So what can be said about seventh year Transfiguration? Well, sadly, Min-Min who is no longer being able to intimidate her students into good behavior, is faced with the harsh reality that many normal teachers must come to at one point or another: that she must grovel for them to keep their mouths shut so that she can finish off another day without a hassle.
And like any normal seventeen year olds, they don't listen to her and do as they please.
Utter chaos erupts.
And this, children, is what makes the world go 'round.
"Pettigrew, I said transfigure the bird, not the Black! Set Sirius back right!" McGonagall ordered, nearly yelling to be heard over the incoherent chatter. "Mr. Potter is that—No! Mr. Potter stop throwing Mr. Snape around! Stop miniaturizing him! Stop, I say!"
"Aw, but he's amusing when he's the size of a mouse! Look, Min-Min, you can hardly see the grease! It's a miracle!"
"Mr. Potter, I'm warning yo—Miss McKinnon, please step AWAY slowly from the—No don't antagonize it Miss McKinnon! Stop Marlene! FOR GOD'S SAKES STOP POKING IT, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S CAPABLE OF!"
"But it's SQUISHY!"
There was a minor explosion as whatever Marlene McKinnon was poking erupted, spraying the entire class with slimy yellow-ish pus. Everyone stopped and looked at what had hit them. Sirius delicately put a finger in the goop that landed on his shoulder and sniffed it.
"It's okay!" he announced to the room that had waited silently for his judgment to be passed on the goo that covered most of them. "Not poisonous."
Everyone collectively shrugged and went back to talking.
"Mr. Potter, what did I say—what? No you may NOT use this time for—leave Miss Evans ALONE Mr. Pott—I don't care if she's your girlfriend or not—I DON'T GIVE A DAMN IF IT'S A REVELATION, YOU MAY NOT GROPE HER IN MY CLASSROOM!"
"I told you to stop, James but nooo." Lily said, slapping James' arm away from her.
"I can't help if you're irresistible." James answered, shrugging. Lily rolled her eyes and went back to catching up on her school work like any responsible Head Girl would.
McGonagall looked around the classroom. People were shouting, laughing, charming the chandelier to do somersaults (or hanging from the chandelier while its doing somersaults), breaking various jars, and causing utter mayhem.
"Professor!" Sirius Black called to her from across the room, his arm waving frantically in the air. She sighed.
"Well, me and Jamesy here were working on a theory—" McGonagall perked up. Theories! School related! Yay!
"—about a love triangle."
She immediately lost enthusiasm for whatever question he was going to ask.
"And we were wondering whether or not there was any truth to the rumor of a Dumbly-dore, you, and Sinestra affair." Sirius finished.
"No there's no—Sinestra?" McGonagall looked peeved. "You had me pictured with Sinestra?"
"Well, yes." James answered, simply.
"Not someone like Kettleburn?" McGonagall was annoyed. Sinestra was alright, but he wasn't anything special. Not like a Kettleburn.
"Is that the triangle!"
"No, I just—if you're going to fix me and Dumbly—uh Professor Dumbledore with someone for a supposed love triangle, I just figured it'd be someone like Kettleburn."
"Quite frankly, and don't take this the wrong way or anything, but we thought he was a little out of your league." Sirius said, putting it as delicately as possible.
"Not out of Dumbledore's though." James put in.
"Yeah, if it was a love triangle like that, he'd definitely be cheating on you for Dumbledore."
"That would be assuming that Dumbledore and Kettleburn are gay for each other, though." McGonagall put in.
"Hey, wait a second; Kettleburn is not out of my league." McGonagall said, crossing her arms over her chest.
"You think you could get a Kettleburn?"
"Oh I know I could get a Kettleburn."
"Aw, our Min-Min has a crush!" James squealed, doing a very good imitation of a giddy girl.
"NO! But he is not out of my league." McGonagall finalized. "If I wanted a Kettleburn, I could get a Kettleburn, I simply choose not to."
"Okay, sure, keep telling yourself that." Sirius answered.
"Mr. Black I will have you know that you are completely wrong, I could get a Kettleburn."
"Sorry, Min-Min, but he's in the major leagues, you are sadly swinging in the minors." James said, shrugging. "I'd say the highest you could go is a…Binns. Give or take a few years at the salon."
"Alright, Mr. Potter, I'll have you know that—"
There was an explosion from the back of the room. No one was quite sure what it was, but they all knew that something valuable was broken and someone was missing from the class at the end of the day when they took a head count.
"Yo! What insignificant being back there got themselves blown up?" Sirius shouted, as the class was stunned into dead silence. There was a muffled squeak, but other than that, no noise came from the corner.
"THAT'S IT!" McGonagall shrieked. "I'm DONE! I've had ENOUGH! This is a classroom! Inside an institution for learning! Not where some students feel that they have the right to fool around until one of them gets BLOWN UP!"
"Excuse me Professor, Justin didn't get blown up, he just—"
"Shh, Alice! I'm making a point!"
"No matter! He could have gotten severely hurt! It has become increasingly difficult to teach this class!"
"C'mon Min-Min, we're totally not that bad." James said earnestly. The others in the class mumbled their agreement. McGonagall raised an eyebrow.
"You think so, Mr. Potter?" She asked in a daring tone.
"Well yeah." Sirius answered, coming up behind James. "I mean, sit there and read from the textbook. How hard can that be?"
"Well then." McGonagall answered in a tone that was barely above a whisper. "What do you say we make a little wager?"
The class collectively 'ooh'ed.
Sirius eyed McGonagall. "What kind of wager?"
"Oh nothing special." McGonagall answered, searching her mind for something that she could use as leverage. "How about this…you two teach this class for a day this week, and at the end of the day you will administer a quiz on the lesson that I have prepared. If your pupils pass, you can have…oh, I don't know—"
"I want a fifth of your pay check." James said determinedly. Lily promptly smacked him upside the head.
"James! That's so incredibly rude! Professor, I'm sorry about him, he's like a two year old." Lily gave James a look that made his face fall.
"That means no snogging tonight, Prongs." Sirius patted James sympathetically. James looked at the floor.
"Forgive me, Miss Evans, but you're the one who's dating him."
"Hey!" James objected. "I saw that look you just gave my Tiger Lily!"
"I'm not property—!" Lily tried to cut in, indignantly
"What look?" McGonagall asked innocently.
"That look. That pity look."
"I've no idea—"
"DO NOT lie to me Min-Min! I see it all the time! It's that 'oh so sorry you can't reach your full potential, I pity you' type of look. I get it from you. I MADE YOU INVENT SAID LOOK!"
"I've no clue what look you are trying to describe, but it is not one that I harbor." McGonagall answered.
Then she gave him the look that she knew he was talking about. The look that she made specifically for him.
"AHAHA! YOU DID IT AGAIN! YOU SEE? YOU WERE TRYING TO HIDE IT BUT I FOUND IT! I HAVE IT! I HAVE IT, I SAY!" James pointed accusingly to his face.
"James—" Lily tried to calm her boyfriend.
"IT'S THERE! DO YOU SEE, LILY? DO YOU SEE IT!"
"James I really think—"
"SHE'S HOLDING IT PERSISTANTLY!"
"JAMES YOU'RE HYSTERICAL!"
"THAT I AM, LILY DEAR! AND PROUD OF IT!"
"Staring contest!" Sirius proclaimed.
James immediately began staring straight into McGonagall's eyes. McGonagall did not respond to Sirius' proclamation, but she did however sustain from blinking.
The staring contest ended when a spitball that was shot from across the room landed in McGonagall's eye.
"HAHA! I AM VICTORIOUS! ALL HAIL!" James said, punching the air.
"Enough! I've had enough anarchy! This is a classroom, NOT a zoo! You are not animals!"
"Quack!" Sirius cried
Everyone stopped making their animal noises to look at Peter.
"What? Zebras deserve a noise too!" he said, crossing his arms in front of his chest.
"Oom!" Sirius proclaimed.
Again there was silence as the class waited for Sirius to explain.
"What? If he can make a zebra noise, cant I make a cow noise?"
"Cows go 'moo' not 'oom', Sirius." Remus Lupin pointed out.
"I'm a dyslexic cow!" Sirius explained with pride.
"SHUT UP!" McGonagall shouted. The seventh years stopped acting like they were five. "So, Potter, Black, you think that you can teach these children? You think you can teach my class better than I can?" McGonagall dared.
"Yeah, we can." James and Sirius answered in unison.
"Tomorrow, they're yours. I'm in desperate need of a vacation anyway."
"What do we get if we teach it better than you do?" Sirius asked, with interest.
"A fifth of my paycheck. And bragging rights." McGonagall answered, smoothly.
"And if we don't?"
"I take your brooms." She said, without hesitating.
"So, tomorrow's class, then?" James asked casually extending his hand to shake hers.
"Why does McGonagall want that broom?" Lily asked once James had told her all the fine details of the deal back in the Head's dormitories.
"You're acting like I'm going to lose, Tiger Lily." James said to her, a little annoyed.
"You are!" Lily said hysterically. "Think about it! She can't control our class and she's been here forever! This is what she does for a living and she can't do it right with us! You are simply a seventeen year old idiot that has NO IDEA what he's getting into!"
"Gee, your support is overwhelming." James answered sarcastically.
"I'm sorry love, but I'm afraid she's got you this time. You'd do better just to call the whole thing off." Lily answered.
"Well, aren't we a ray of sunshine today? What if I pull it off?" James asked, his doubt growing with Lily's words.
"Then you get bragging rights over me as well." Lily answered. "Please love, call it off."
"Well now I have to go through with it." James answered.
"Because bragging rights with McGonagall is one thing, but bragging rights over you? That entails things, Lily dear."
Lily sighed. "There's no way I could persuade you to call this off?"
"Alright then. But I am not buying you a new broom."
James leaned over and kissed Lily. "Don't worry, Lils." He whispered. "I'm not going to lose."
"You're an idiot." Lily answered, but falling into the hug that James was pulling her into.
"I'm your idiot." he answered. She smiled as they stood there in silence, hugging.
"Why does McGonagall want that broom?"
"Good night, Lily."
The seventh years filed in the next day not knowing what to expect. They'd all heard about the whole thing, but weren't sure if Minerva "Min-Min" McGonagall was actually going to let James Potter and Sirius Black, the chief Marauders teach her class. Her transfiguration class.
Many were having doubts.
"Haha, yeah right, Potter and Black teaching Transfiguration? Gimme a break Nicole."
"No really, that's what I heard—"
"We have a better chance of seeing Justin released from the hospital wing within the next hour."
"How is he, anyway?"
"Really? I heard from Chelsea who heard from her cousin Rick who knows a guy who knows Janine who's Alyssa's sister who married a guy named Tim who is friends with someone named Ben who knows someone in the Healing business and is also the second cousin twice removed of the Minister of Magic who heard from his Aunt's Uncle's cousin's nephew's wife's brother that Justin was being sent to St. Mungo's."
"Would my sources lie?"
"Well, Justin's going to be fine and we're not being taught by Potter and Black."
"Do you think so? Because I heard from someone who is friends with—"
This was the reaction that most people had to the rumor of James and Sirius teaching class.
They all stopped dead when they were met with the sight of James Potter behind McGonagall's desk, sitting on her chair with his feet on the desktop and Sirius Black leaning casually on the chalkboard, inspecting his fingernails.
The two looked up simultaneously at their stunned classmates.
"Good Morning, class." James said smoothly. "My name is James Potter. I'll be y0ur substitute for today." He got up off the chair, smoothed out his robe and walked over to the chalkboard. "This is Sirius Black. He'll be the teaching assistant."
Sirius saluted the class.
"You will address us as 'Professor Dude' and 'Hey, Man.' James said formally. I'm dude, he's man. Got it?"
Some students shook their heads, but most were too stunned to move.
"James! Can you at least try and act professional?" Lily asked from the front of the crowd. James blanched.
"Sorry dear, won't happen again."
"You're whipped, Prongs." Sirius said.
"Yes you are."
"James start teaching!"
"Sorry dear, yes dear, of course dear."
"Whipped." Sirius muttered.
"Good. Now, sit down, we've got a lot to cover." James instructed.
They obediently took their seats.
"And Min-Min says this is hard." Sirius said, watching their orders being carried out. James grinned.
"Easy as pie."
"Pie's actually quite difficult to make. I've been there, I know." Sirius corrected.
"Yeah. Ask Twink the House-Elf." Sirius said.
"I've been down to the kitchens as many times as you have. We don't have a house-elf named Twink." James answered.
"Not anymore. Because of pie." Sirius responded mysteriously.
"Class, OY! Shut up for a minute, and we need a moment of silence for the house-elf named Twink." James commanded mysteriously. This wasn't hard as most of them were still in awe that James and Sirius were teaching and couldn't speak.
"Right, well, first order of business." James promptly walked down the aisle and stopped at Lily's seat.
"James what are you—? Woah!" Lily stopped mid-sentence as James picked her up and walked with her in the direction of a broom closet in the back of the room.
"James put me down! Jamessss!" Lily struggled. "This is completely UNPROFESSIONAL!"
"Sorry, love, but do you want to pass the class?"
"You make it sound like I'm having sexual relations with teachers!" Lily said, outraged.
"Well, not at the minute sadly, but if you—?"
"Not you're most charming approach, Prongs." Sirius called from the front of the room. James saluted him with the middle finger and opened the broom closet door. James stepped in with Lily in tow and shut it behind them.
Sirius was left alone to teach the class as the other "professor" was in a closet. With a girl. His girlfriend. Yeah, we'll go with busy.
"I...uh...just remembered...I'm supposed to be in umm...potions, not Transfiguration! Yeah, that's it! Potions!" a tall, beautiful brunette Gryffindor Samantha Taylor interrupted the silence that settled over the class as they were watching one of their teachers canoodle with his girlfriend in the closet. Yes canoodle, you heard me correctly.
Sirius turned his gaze from the broom closet to look at the girl who had spoken up and began to stare immediately as Samantha flipped her long brown hair over her shoulder. It looked particularly glossy in the dim light that was flowing through the windows. Sirius scanned the room for an extra broom closet…or desk…or teacher's lounge, hell he didn't care what it was. His eyes landed on an extra closet. Perfect.
"What'd you say, cutie—?" Sirius tried to lean casually on Min-Min's desk, and proceeded to fall ever-so-gracefully onto the floor. Samantha rolled her green eyes.
"I'm supposed to be in—" Samantha was cut off from her tirade by a shriek. Everyone looked around the classroom to try and identify the source of the shriek "Well I need to be in—" She was stopped once again by a rather large thump coming from the direction of the broom closet.
"That's my boy!" Sirius beamed.
"Clearly today was not a day for me to lie." Samantha mumbled and slid back into her seat
"Right, well, onto business. The first thing that we're going to do—transfigure uh this…cup," Sirius grabbed the mug on McGonagall's desk "into a…hippogriff!"
The class groaned "We haven't learned that yet." A girl named Nicole shouted from the back of the room.
"Well maybe if you'd shut up you would." Sirius said, throwing her a look. Nicole pouted. "Right, well, maybe not a hippogriff, but a cat. How bout it?"
"I like cats—" Alice Weldin said from the back of the room
"Did I ask your opinion? Nope." Sirius cut her off.
"Hey, you cant talk to her like that!" Frank Longbottom, Alice's boyfriend stood up in his seat, offended.
"Er—sorry mate. Anyway, when we transform furniture, the proper wand motion thingie is to do this—" Sirius demonstrated the proper 'wand motion thingie'. There was a muffled sound from the closet.
"Sirius, that is not true! The proper wand movement would be a swish, not a jab." Lily's voice sounded from the closet.
"What the duck, you didn't even see what I did!" Sirius said with awe.
"I detect failure!" Lily shouted and then went back to whatever she and James were doing in the closet.
"What the duck?" Samantha asked confused.
"Well your teacher can't be caught with a potty mouth." Sirius crossed his arms over his chest. He then continued the jabbing motions.
The students returned to talking to their friends as Sirius was taking cover from the desk that he accidentally charmed into being a violent and very animate object. There was no teacher in charge. As Lily predicted, just a couple of idiots—one of which was in the closet snogging his girlfriend and the other was hiding from a violent desk behind the chalkboard.
James and Lily emerged from the closet about five minutes later.
"Padfoot!" James called. Sirius was currently fencing with the desk, using his wand as a sword.
"Back! BACK I SAY!" Sirius commanded the desk. It was not working, as the violent desk advanced. The desk gave a loud growl and Sirius began to grow worried. "Heh heh, uh nice Desky Wesky! You don't wanna hurt me now, do you?"
The desk made a nodding motion.
Desky Wesky lunged at the cowering seventeen-year-old when Lily burst out of the closet, a dejected looking James behind her.
"Finite Incantatum!" She shouted pointing her wand at the desk that was in mid-air. It exploded and many wooden pieces scattered about the classroom. One landed on Samantha's shoulder and she casually flicked it off.
"James you messed up my hair!" Lily said looking into her compact. James shrugged and gave a satisfied grin.
"Here Lily, I always have an extra comb." Samantha pulled out her purse and began rummaging through it. Lily sighed.
"Thanks, Sam. Hey, is that the new copy of Teen Witch?"
"Yeah, you wanna look?"
Lily joined Samantha to flip through the magazine, rating the new robes that they were featuring.
There was yet another bang in the classroom. The students were getting quite used to the sound effects now and didn't jump…Samantha and Lily didn't even bother looking up from the magazine.
Slowly the room became silent as they watched a new person enter the room. Lily and Samantha stopped talking about the hairstyles on page 175 when they realize the uncomfortable silence blanketing the class. They looked up and saw Minerva McGonagall.
In a full student's uniform.
A/N: interesting place to stop, no? I thought this'll be a fun twist. Anyway R/R.. Now my minions! muwhahahah