Author: dooski PM
for someone that knows the show, it is a lot better picturing character voices. Two episodes featuring Brendon Small and the people he spends time with. Written in a play format.Rated: Fiction K+ - English - Humor - Words: 3,110 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 2 - Published: 04-22-06 - id: 2906401
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
(Brendon's Mother has grounded him from using his camera since his grades are terrible in school..)
Brendon: Hey, uh mom.
Brendon: Uh, I was, heh. I was wondering.
Mom: What is it, Brendon?
Brendon: What's what?
Mom: What you're asking me.
Brendon: Oh, yea. That. Well, see.
Mom: Are you in trouble, Brendon?
Brendon: No. Okay, I have to film a video for History class, to raise my grade, but in order to do that, I kind of need my camera.
Brendon: Mom, come on
Mom: No, Brendon. Until your grade goes up, no video. No films.
Brendon: (to himself) Okay, looks like the world will have to wait to be saved while I raise my grade!
Mom: Did you say something?
Lynch: Okay, Brendon. Now, tell me something about Washington.
Brendon: Okay, that's where they do the cover ups.
Lynch: No, Brendon, the person Washington. His first name is George…!
Brendon: See, that's why my grade isn't that good. The questions are too vague. (Covers eyes with hand). Vague, I can't see. (Removes hand). You know what I mean?
Lynch: Brendon, where are you getting this stuff from?
Brendon: Oh, my tutor.
Lynch: Brendon, may I speak with your tutor.
Brendon: Oh, I don't know, he might not like that…
Lynch: Brendon, it's okay if you don't have a tutor, just tell the truth.
Brendon: Oh, I have a tutor.
Lynch: I'll give you extra credit if you have your tutor come in to see me tomorrow after school.
Brendon: Ha! Okay…. How much extra credit, by the way?
Lynch: a little
Coach: Hey, uh, is this Brendon's teacher's room? (sees teacher.) Oh, you! No wonder he's failing!
Lynch: I think he's failing because of his tutor.
Lynch: Also, if you tell him you were wrong, he might start passing.
Lynch: First of all, there is no "Area 51"
Coach: Okay, excuse me. Brendon and I know the truth, we don't care if idiots like you remain stupid your whole lives.
Lynch: Why are you tutoring? Have you, Have you been to college?
Lynch: Did you pass History?
Coach: Listen, in real life, you don't dwell on the past, so my History grade? That's history. And History, is history, so what I want to know is why is it a subject?
Lynch: Okay, that, that just proves my point. You don't know anything about History.
Coach: I know that it's history, and at least I have a nose to know. (author side note: cheap shot at the animation of Lynch, he appears to have no nose… just a mustache)
Lynch: Knowledge and your nose have nothing to do with each other. My brain is located inside my head, but maybe yours is in your nose. It doesn't matter though, because we need to concentrate on Brendon.
Coach: Oh, yes, it does matter.
Lynch: Brendon is failing. He can pass if you tell him you were wrong.
Coach: Well, I'm leaving now. (Leaves)
Coach: Brendon, you didn't tell me your history teacher was the biggest idiot in the world.
Brendon: How much extra credit did I get?
Coach: We don't need to worry about extra credit, Brendon, we need to worry about extra terrestrials. You know, aliens.
Brendon: Okay, so am I passing yet?
Coach: Why yes, Brendon, I have seen ET, but that's fake. Real aliens look just like us. In fact, I think your History teacher might be an alien.
(Knock on door)
Coach: What, whadyou want?
Mail lady: Here. It's a notice of legally enforced psychiatric sessions.
Coach: Wait, who sent this to me?
Mail lady: Enjoy!
Coach: (dial phone #) Okay, hi, Brendon?
Mom: Uh, no. He's studying for History now. Who is this?
Coach: Did he send me a legally enforced shrink session demand thing?
Mom: Considering that I don't know who you are I am going to say No, and hang up
Coach: Wait! Hello?
Psychiatrist: Hello! Coach McGuirk! Welcome! I care about your feelings
Coach: If you cared about my feelings, I wouldn't be here. The only reason why I came is to find out who is behind this.
Lynch: (comes in). Am I late?
Coach: You! You… alien! You sent me here!
Lynch: Well, you need to realize what you are doing to Brendon's mind. So I got some help.
Coach: Wait, (to psychiatrist) You are on his side? (says womanly and fast) Omigod!
Shrink: No, I am an independent. Let's start by introducing ourselves. I am Doctor (speaks a weird sound… sound like mumbling "nyeee")
Lynch: I am Mr. Lynch, Brendon's History teacher.
Coach: I am Coach McGuirk, Brendon's Coach, Mentor, Spiritual Guider, and Partial Father.
Lynch: You aren't his father
Coach: I said "partial"! "Partial" father.
Shrink: I have seen Brendon's father, and you are he. (this is the same shrink that Brendon went to with his father)
Brendon: (Walks in) Okay, why am I here? (notices the shrink). Oh no. Not you again.
Shrink: Hello, Brendon. I'm glad to see you recognize me.
Lynch: Okay, what about History?
Shrink: Feelings first, Mr. Lynch. Brendon, how are you and your father doing?
Brendon: Okay, you should know
Brendon: that the reason I left was because I shouldn't have to
Brendon: tell you anything.
Shrink: Okay, Brendon. I feel that it would be best if you talked about your feelings. Remember that?
Brendon: How long do I have to be here?
Coach: You? Brendon, what about me? I have a life!
Lynch: Do you?
Brendon: You should
Brendon: be quite. He's gonna tell us that we should
Brendon: not fight.
Coach: Ouch? What the hell, is something wrong with him? Should you
Coach: Okay, you really should
Coach: See a doctor.
Shrink: It hurts me when you make me feel such harshful words. No "should". Try, "I feel that it would be best if" instead of "should".
Lynch: Okay, now can we talk about History?
Brendon: History! Ga, what, is History now my life?
Lynch: Yes, Brendon. It is your life. And Coach McGuirk has something to tell you, don't you, Coach McGuirk?
Coach: Yea, he's an alien, and (to Shrink) he's a clone.
Shrink: Thank you, Coach, for including me in your fantasy.
Lynch: Thank you? He's damaging Brendon's mind! Ask Brendon a historical question.
Shrink: Okay, Brendon, when was the first time you cried?
Coach: Men don't cry. Aliens or clones might, but real men don't cry.
Brendon: Actually, I have cried. When my mother wouldn't let me get a dog.
Coach: Brendon, omigod, where is your manhood?
Shrink: Okay, now do you feel emotionally that you are past this?
Lynch: This was supposed to be about History. Not feelings, corruption of the mind! Don't you have a doctorate in the human mind, not feelings?
Shrink: How can you say that! Okay, obviously, we need a moment of silence to think about our feelings. I'll be right back. (leave) (the rest still there glaring)
Brendon: Why did you bring me here!
Lynch: I'm sorry, I thought that it would help you.
Coach: Well it isn't helping. Okay, Mr. Ouch is an idiot.
Brendon: Maybe if we all pretend to care, he'll let us go early.
Lynch: Then, let's just be quiet and wait for him to come back.
(Clock goes by 2 hours. Suddenly, the shrink rushes in the room looking paranoid)
Shrink: (flustered) Well, that was refreshing, let's-
Coach: You forgot about us.
Shrink: What? No, I care about your-
Brendon: Feelings! We're feeling rejected!
Shrink: Oh, I. I'm so sorry. You can stay an extra 4 hours to make it up.
Lynch: You should be ashamed of yourself. You're representing an entire field of study here, and you're failing. Just like Brendon.
Coach: See how strict he is? Sign this slip to legally state that Brendon gets an A in History.
Shrink: But that's immoral, and I really shouldn't…. ha! (gasp) What! What did I just say!
Coach: You're falling apart!- But sign this paper first.
Shrink: Okay, I will really be right back. (leaves)
Brendon: I'm leaving. Can I pass History for going to this ridiculous Shrink?
Lynch: Yes, Brendon. I'm terribly soryr.
Coach: Hey, what about me?
Lynch: You are still a corrupting, stupid man. Don't listen to him, Brendon. He's poisoning your mind. Brendon? (notice he's gone). Oh, well, that's over with. I'm sorry, coach. Friends?
Coach: Not on your life.
Shrink: (back) Hello? Where is everybody? I was only gone 10 minutes! Oh. My. God. I have failed that kid! The next time I see him, I'm gonna save him from his emotional trauma!
Brendon: Okay, Melissa, could you maybe, stand a little closer to Jason?
Melissa: Oh, yea, sure
Jason: Ha. Hi, Melissa.
Brendon: No, your line is "Where are you from"
Melissa: I am from France, where a dollar will get you somewhere!
Brendon: Wait, you have to the line (to Jason)
Jason: Isn't it "Franc"? Or "Euro"? A "Euro" will get you somewhere?
Melissa: I think so.
Brendon: Actually, it's "Euro-dollar", or something like that. Okay, let's try this. Action.
Melissa: Is this a table for two?
Jason: Yes. Where are you from?
Melissa: I am from France, where a dollar will get you somewhere!
Jason: You mean, Euro, right?
Brendon: Cut! Oh, boy. Lets… let's take a break.
Melissa: Brendon, I'm sick of this. I need a break.
Brendon: Well, we're on a break.
Melissa: No, I mean a real break. A vacation.
Brendon: Well. You're fired.
Melissa: I don't work for you.
Brendon: I was kidding.
Melissa: I don't think you were
Jason: Hey, guys. Let's stop. (pause). Let's stop, okay! (pause). Maybe we should stop.
Brendon: You don't need to keep repeating yourself.
Melissa: Jason's right, let's stop. I need a break.
Brendon: Um, okay. We can go somewhere.
Jason: The Pickle Factory
Melissa: What? That's kind of disgusting.
Jason: They're just pickles.
Brendon: Okay! The pickle factory it is!
Mom: Oh, no, I hate these parent teacher conferences. Why couldn't Brendon come along with me? (teacher comes in) Oh, hi, Mr. Lynch, I'm Paula, Brendon Small's mother.
Lynch: Hello, as you now, I'm his History teacher. Brendon's grade is currently "credit". Do you know what that means?
Mom: Yes, he's not failing.
Lynch: Well, he's barely passing. If it weren't for that psychiatrist visit, he'd be held back.
Mom: Brendon is passing, Mr. Lynch. Isn't that the goal here?
Lynch: The goal is to do your best.
Mom: Are you saying my standards aren't high enough?
Lynch: Not at all, I simply think that Brendon could do better.
Mom: Okay. What about his other classes?
Mom: History is not his only class. What's he getting in Literature?
Lynch: I have his grade card on file, if you insist. But what I'm really concerned with here is History. You see (mom starts playing with things on his desk) History is a very important subject. Some of our greatest moments are remembered in History.
Mom: Your desk lamp is burned out, maybe you should get that fixed.
Lynch: So the point is…
Mom: Excuse me, but aren't my 10 minutes up?
Mom: The parent-teacher conference. It's 10 minutes.
Lynch: Well, actually, we still have a few minutes.
Mom: Oh. Well, I have to go, a meeting to get to. If Brendon brings in a light bulb can you raise his grade?
Lynch: You can't buy a grade.
Mom: Okay, well I really must be going.
Brendon: So, we're going to the pickle factory. I mean, is there even a pickle factory?
Coach: Brendon, factories are where everything is made. You were born in a factory.
Brendon: Actually, I was born in a hospital.
Coach: Haven't you ever heard of a "euphemism", Brendon?
Brendon: Well, yea.
Coach: "Cafeteria", soccer "game", "Mr." Lynch. They're all euphemisms.
Brendon: Okay, but I still have to go to this pickle factory.
Coach: You need to chill out, Brendon. I think you have a chronic stress syndrome.
Coach: It's very serious.
Brendon: Actually, I'm just trying to talk about me here, but you keep drifting the conversation to yourself.
Coach: That's not true, Brendon. I'm just relating my life to yours. See right now, in my life, I'm trying to buy a house, but I need a loan. Apparently, I have bad credit. Seems if you're an ex-con, you don't get a loan.
Brendon: Uh, huh. Okay, what does that have to do with pickles?
Melissa: Hey, Brendon, I need a sub. (Brendon goes)
Coach: (calling) It was great talking about you, Brendon!
Brendon: Can I go to the pickle factory?
Brendon: It's like a cheap vacation.
Brendon: Melissa, well actually Jason, wants to go.
Mom: Okay. You can go.
Brendon: Thanks. Oh, guess what
Mom: Okay, Brendon. This is the part where you ask me about my day. Okay, your teacher, has problems. His entire life is History! The man does not have an exciting bone in his body!
Brendon: Are bones exciting?
Mom: Not his, Brendon.
Jason: Where's the script?
Melissa: Yea, Brendon, what happened?
Brendon: We're going to the pickle factory, remember?
Jason: Who cares about pickles?
Brendon: You do! Melissa, the break, remember?
Melissa: I don't need a break anymore, Brendon.
Brendon: Well, that's just great, because now we have to go to the pickle factory, because I don't have a script since I was planning on a break.
Melissa: Well, maybe Jason and I can think of something.
Jason: Let's sing about waves.
Brendon: Jason, we need a script here, not music. And besides, I don't have a microphone.
Melissa: And you forgot your camera.
Brendon: On purpose! (all sigh) So what do we do now?
Coach: Yes, I'm looking for a oan to get a house.
Clerk: Okay, now your name?
Clerk: We have several McGuirks. What is your first name?
Coach: (peeks at screen- points to name) Jon. Jon McGuirk.
Clerk: Okay. (clicks on file… looks shocked). Um. You wait here while I get a check on this.
Coach: Thank you.
Clerk: (comes back) Mr. McGuirk, have a cup of coffee, on the house.
Coach: What, am I a millionaire?
Clerk: Haha. (nervous). Well, here's your coffee.
Coach: Well, thanks, that was good. I'll be back later to get my loan.
Clerk: Wait! (looking frantic) Stay! Uh, here's a neat crossword.
Coach: What? What is wrong with you? Oh, I get it. You like me.
Clerk: Don't be ridiculous.
Coach: Many women do. Look, I have a tattoo. (Shows her his tattoo)
Clerk: It's a cow.
Clerk: A cow.
Coach: A new artist gave it to me for free. I was a test patient.
Clerk: Wow. A cow, I mean that is so manly.
Coach: Yea, well, I better be going.
Clerk: (smiles) Okay.
(Coach goes to the door)
Cop: Freeze! Jon McGuirk, you are under arrest! (gets cuffs)
Coach: What, what did I do?
(Clerk and Cop burst out laughing)
Clerk: Ha, ha! It's Cop Day, so we do that every once in a while!
Coach: What are you, nuts? You don't pretend to arrest people!
Cop: We do! Ha, ha, ha!
Coach: You pychos! (leaves. Goes home. Turns on the tv)
Announcer: And in other news, a crime spree is affecting the city. A prank pair of women have been pretending to arrest people for jokes. If anyone knows where to find these women, a reward of $500 will be given.
Coach: Tha's my loan! (grabs phone) Yea, I have information…. Come down? Sure.
Brendon: Here we are.
Brendon: It's clean. At least, it doesn't smell.
Jason: Okay. Scrip. "At the pickle factory, a strange occurrence… occurs. This occurring occurrence is-
Brendon: What, Jason?
Jason: Aliens. What do you think?
Brendon: We have only 3 people, how can we do an alien invation.
Jason: Duh, the pickles are aliens.
Coach: Yes, I have information.
Police: On what?
Coach: The prankster women.
Police: We got a tip 5 minutes ago.
Coach: From who! I was counting on that!
Mom: (comes in) Hi. I was hoping you wouldn't be here. I mean, I wouldn't want to disturb you.
Lynch: Not at all.
Mom: I lost my bracelet. Have you seen a red, medium-sized-
Coach: (bursts in the room) Lynch. Mr. Lynch. So, enjoy being a her?
Lynch: What are you talking about?
Coach: The prank, you stopped it. Where's the 500?
Lynch: I didn't ask for money, I was merely helping the citizens.
Coach: No money? Not even a buck!
Teacher: Don't you coach because you love children and soccer?
Coach: No, I coach for money.
Lynch: I already knew that. And you still don't have money, even though that's all you care about.
Coach: And what do you live in? A cardboard box with names of the presidents on the sides?
Mom: Um, hello? My bracelet, have you seen it?
Lynch: No, but please stay. We never really finished yesterday.
Coach: What, you two are dating? That's disgusting. This man has fleas.
Mom: I don't want to talk about Brendon again. He's 8. He doesn't need to worry.
Lynch: Coach McGuirk… you want money. And you're desperate.
Lynch: Become a spy.
Coach: A spy?
Lynch: They get lots of money.
Mom: So, anyway, I'll be leaving now, it was nice talking to myself.