Never Listen to Hayner

Rating: PG-13/T (For two words that could be interpreted as swears… I'm really sensitive with my ratings…)

Genre: Humor/General

Summary: Roxas learns that listening to Hayner brings nothing but pain and dog bites.

Author's Note: I couldn't help myself. I got the idea from a "Don't do Drugs" commercial. You know… the one with the lumberyard dog, Tic-Tic?

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts. Just borrowing it. I don't own Tic-Tic either. He belongs to the dudes who made that "Don't smoke Weed" commercial.

"No way."

Hayner had gotten Roxas to do many stupid things in his life. Many, many… MANY stupid things. Like the time he convinced Roxas to sit blindfolded on the Tram track. Or the time that Hayner had convinced Roxas to jump on the tram-car. Actually, that had been pretty fun; Right up until the car passed under a bridge and knocked him off. Naturally, both incidents made the driver of the tram-car a bit alert to insane teenagers on the tracks.

Those alone had been dangerous enough. By now, Roxas was much more wary when Hayner said, "Hey, Roxas… Wanna do something fun?" Never mind that that statement alone could be interpreted pretty weirdly… But most of the time, it could be translated to, "Hey Roxas, wanna get yourself killed?" And now, Roxas was practicing saying "No", right after Hayner had suggested another hair-brained idea that he thought as 'fun'.

There was a lumberyard in Twilight Town. And in that lumberyard was a guard-dog named Tic-tic. Tic-tic, in a few words, was a monster. Large and vicious, he was prepared to tear apart any fool that dared to invade his home. It was rumored that he had dragged off more than one bloody carcass to his hovel in the center of the yard.

And Hayner wanted to see if Roxas could outrun Tic-tic.

"You're out of your mind." Roxas said, waving his hand vaguely. "Totally off your rocker. Tic-tic'll tear me apart!"
"Aw, come on, where's your sense of fun?" Hayner pushed.

"Fun? You want fun? Why don't YOU go in there, then?" Roxas said, slightly hysterical.

"What, are you kidding? He'd tear me apart." Hayner said. Roxas was ready to punch his friend.

"THEN WHY THE HELL ARE YOU SENDING ME IN THERE?" He roared. Hayner shrugged.
"You're faster." He said simply.

"Funny, that didn't seem to be the case during the fifty-yard dash last week," Roxas said, crossing his arms. "Unless I'm much mistaken, you were the fastest among us all. You were bragging about it too, weren't you?" Hayner flinched, trying to come up with an excuse before Roxas' temper skyrocketed.

"Uh… And this is my way of helping you excel as well, my friend!" Hayner said suddenly, grinning a grin that would put the Cheshire Cat to shame. He flung an arm around Roxas' shoulder.
"Don't touch me." Roxas snapped. Hayner quickly removed his arm before he lost it.

"Sorry. Anyway… What better way to run faster than with a little… motivation?" He said. Roxas deadpanned.

"You honestly expect me to believe that load of bull?" He asked. Hayner dropped the grin and sighed.

"It was worth a shot." He said with a shrug.

"Forget it. You wanna get yourself mutilated, fine. But don't drag me into it!" Roxas said. He began to walk away, and Hayner winced. He had really hoped he wouldn't have to resort to this, but…

"Fine," He said in a loud, exaggerated voice. "I guess if you're too chicken…" As if on cue, Roxas stopped dead in his tracks. He smirked, and then turned to face his friend.

"Nice try, Hayner. But it isn't going to work!" He yelled, turning the corner. Hayner sighed and grimaced in anticipation.

"Three… Two… One…" He muttered. Like clockwork, Roxas came back around the corner, looking royally ticked.

"Just help me over the dmn fence," He grumbled.

I get the feeling I'm going to regret this, Roxas thought with dread. Why do I always let him talk me into this type of crap? Quietly, he tip-toed through the lumberyard. He was scared as heck, and had a terrible feeling that he had made yet another terrible mistake in judgment. Why do I always let the "chicken" line get to me? He's the one that's too scared to come in!

Finally, he saw it. Tic-tic's base; A pile of junk and leftover lumber. And there were bones in front of it. Roxas cringed. Dear Lord, what am I doing? He thought. Shaking, the teen let out a little whistle, and whispered. "Tic-tic." No response. I must be crazy… I must be crazy… I must be totally insane… Roxas thought as he called out, "Here boy… Come here boy…"

Finally, he could hear a soft growl from the depths of the pile. "Here… puppy. Come here…" And it was then that Tic-tic emerged. Roxas' eyes widened, and he let out a little whimper. Tic-tic was enormous. He was a large rotweiler-type dog, with rows of sharp, ivory teeth, which were currently bared in a snarl. "Oh boy… Nice doggie… Nice doggie… Nice d-AAAAAAAAAAH!" Roxas turned and ran for his life through the yard, Tic-tic hot on his heels, barking up a storm.

"I'm gonna kill Hayner!" Roxas gasped as he sprinted for the fence. "YIKES! NICE DOGGIE!" He screamed, leaping up and landing fairly high on the fence. Not high enough, though. Tic-tic reared and leapt, mouth open, and- "YEEEEEOWCH!"

About thirty minutes later, Roxas was back in the Usual Spot, lying on his stomach while Olette applied medicine to the bite wounds on the back of his legs. "Ouch… Tic-tic got you bad, didn't he?" She noted as she examined the bites. Roxas didn't reply. He was too busy thinking up revenge tactics on a certain blonde… Perhaps something reminiscent of the guillotine…

Speak of the Devil… at that moment, Hayner and Pence walked in. "Hey, Roxas! You did it man! And Tic-tic didn't kill you!" Hayner said. His smile dropped when he saw the expression on Roxas' face. "Something wrong?" Roxas, attempting to suppress his fury, started to breathe quite heavily.

"Hayner," He hissed. "As soon as I can stand again, I fully intend to tear every one of your limbs off. I am going to KILL you. And then, I'm going to bring you back to life. AND THEN I'M GOING TO KILL YOU AGAIN!" Roxas yelped in pain, and Olette glared at him.

"Stop struggling! It'll only hurt more!" She snapped as she pressed the cloth against the bite. She then turned to Hayner. "I'll be done in five minutes. Consider that your head-start." Hayner nodded frantically and dashed out the door. Five minutes later, Roxas was hot on his heels. Tic-tic was looking pretty friendly right about now…

End