|Tales of KOTOR: Chapelle meets KOTOR
Author: Dante-Raven PM
Part of VF's humorfic contest. What if Chapelle took Revan's role on board the Endar Spire? Here's my take.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Parody - Words: 2,689 - Reviews: 15 - Favs: 7 - Follows: 1 - Published: 05-02-06 - Status: Complete - id: 2920309
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Author's Notes: Part of VaguelyFamiliar's humorfic contest, courtesy of Trillian4210's forums. If you've got something, send it there. I was always curious about what would happen if Dave Chapelle entered the Star Wars realm. This is my take on it, and well, let's just say it's rather toned down. Enjoy...
Tales of Knights of the Old Republic
Dave Chapelle Meets Knights of the Old Republic
Silence reigned aboard the Endar Spire this night, as they traveled through hyperspace undaunted. Everyone lay fast asleep on their cots, with the exception of a few soldiers on duty for a graveyard shift. It had been only two days since they had left Coruscant, heading towards the Republic battle group located on Taris.
Before the crew could muster a full scale alert, the Endar Spire was pulled out of hyperspace and into a swarm of hungry Sith fighters.
There came loud noise, yet still he slept.
He rolled over towards his left side, smacking his lips and inhaling heavily, while the world around him collapsed.
After a loud bang threw him off the bed, his sheets flying over him, causing him to stir. "God dammit!" He rose, jumping and looking all around, curious as to what that loud ringing sound was in his ears. "Damn cold, why doesn't the Republic Navy invest in some carpets?" He muttered. "This draft could kill me or something."
Before he could mutter another word, however, the doors before him snapped open and in came a young man, covered in sweat and soot, breathing heavily and ignoring the fact that Chappelle Windau was clad in nothing save for his undergarments.
"We've been ambushed by a Sith battle fleet! The Endar Spire is under attack! Hurry up—we don't have much time!"
"Oh, hell, what's up? Didn't know you broke out of the joint, Trask," Chapelle began, smiling. He still shuffled slightly; the cold floor continued to bother him.
Ignoring the remark, the young soldier continued, "now hurry up, we have to find Bastila! We have to make sure she makes it off the ship alive!"
Chapelle furrowed his brow for a moment, scratching his head, contemplating where he had heard her name. "Bastila? Oh, you mean that chick with the junk in the trunk? Damn, she's fine."
Trask continued, ignoring Chappelle's last comment. "I know you're a scout and not a soldier, but Bastila needs all troops at her side during this attack!" His voice was desperate, almost bordering on frantic.
Chappelle shrugged, "I don't know what you're talking about. You can go and get your ass shot, but I ain't. Now where're my clothes?"
"You can pull the left and right triggers to cycle between targets until the footlocker is highlighted, then press the A button to open it," the ensign droned.
"Who the hell are you talking to? What triggers? You're not getting all trippy on me, are you? I'd have to pop a cap in your ass if you're gonna talk to me like that."
The young ensign was silent and continued to stare out behind him, causing the confused scout to turn around and glance at the spectacle outside of his quarters.
"Why are we spinning? And what are those red stripes? Are we under attack or something?" After another moment, he glanced down and found his footlocker. "So that's where my stash is." His head perked up and he turned to glance at Trask, who continued to stare out into space blankly. "Uh, pretend you didn't hear any of that, will you?"
After a few more moments, Chappelle was fully clothed, with his short sword strapped behind him and his blaster in his hand. "Let's do this."
"All right let's move out! We'll have a better chance if we stick together."
The scout brought both of his hands out. "I ain't gonna be cannon fodder for no one, especially you."
Trask moved towards the door, withdrawing his own blaster and opening it, glancing at Chappelle to follow him.
Sighing, the bald man had no choice but to follow his blood-thirsty companion.
As they left the room, an older man spoke into their comlinks.
"This is Carth Onasi, the Sith are threatening to overrun our position! We can't hold out long against their firepower! All hands get to the bridge!"
"Who the hell is this guy? And how'd he get my cell number?"
Almost as if to answer him, Trask continued to drone, "that was Carth contacting us on our portable communicators. He's one of the Republic's best pilots! He's seen more combat than the rest of the Endar Spire's crew put together. If he says things are bad, you better believe it."
Chappelle couldn't help raise a brow and glance around him. "All I see is some guy who has my cell number and you see some hero. How the hell did he get my number anyway?"
"We have to get to the bridge to help defend Bastila!"
Bringing his hands up, Chappelle conceded, "fine, fine. I don't even know if her booty is worth saving—with this ship blowing up around us and we've got to go find booty."
After taking a few more steps, several bolts of crimson slammed into the wall before the pair, causing them to stop and hear one of their companions go down.
"These Sith must be the advance boarding party!" Racing towards the fray, the young soldier cocked his blaster and raised it into the air, crying out, "for the Republic!"
Bringing his hands up, Chappelle took a step back, ignorant of the fact his blaster still lay in his hand. "You're on your own there, pal."
Before he could finish the sentence, Trask had finished the second Sith soldier with a blaster bolt to the groin.
"Glad I ain't that guy," Chappelle muttered, grimacing as Trask raced towards a chamber and open the door, much to his bald companion's chagrin.
Much to Trask's surprise, there was another pair of Sith troopers, though they were busy looting through the footlockers and bodies of soldiers, looking for a few credits.
Surprised, they rose and took a few steps towards the soldier. "Hey, man, you got any crack?"
Before Trask could respond, two red streaks crashed into the chests of the soldiers, sending them back. Whirling around, Trask gaped at Chappelle, who brought the smoking barrel of his blaster to his lips and blew it.
"The name's Chappelle, bitch."
Trask stared blankly at the scout.
"Let's get moving," he muttered, taking a few steps towards the other door, before he heard Chappelle rustling through the bodies for a few spare credits.
"Forty credits? That's all?" He kicked the dead Sith's body and turned around to join an impatient Trask.
They continued to race through the smoking corridors, picking up the pace as the ship threatened to explode.
Turning the corner, they watched a pair of Sith cut down a lone Republic soldier, while a third Sith brought his own vibroblade to bear on another pair of Republic soldiers.
In the next instant, a grenade rolled onto the ground between the trio and ignited, sending them sprawling to the ground, lifeless.
"Hey!" Chappelle cried out, "he owed me 100 credits!"
Another Sith raced over to join the other pair and they all drew beads on the Republic survivors.
Eyes going wide, Chappelle dove, narrowly missing bolts that slammed into the wall. "Where the hell are you, Trask?" He cried out. "I don't wanna die!"
Before he could continue, he heard a loud explosion, followed by a wave of heat that washed over him.
Raising his head up, he noticed the fallen bodies of the Sith and rose. "That's right! You better stay down!"
The ensign soldier walked heavily towards the other end without hesitation, while Chappelle raced to catch up.
Opening the doors, they witnessed a Jedi dueling one of the Dark Jedi who had boarded.
"It's a Dark Jedi! This fight is too much for us—we better stay back. All we'd do is get in the way."
"Hey I know her," Chappelle muttered. "She's got more crabs than a Selkath seabed."
She managed to deflect a thrust and with a quick shift from her wrist, she decapitated her opponent. Turning around, she faced the pair and saluted, before a conduit behind her erupted in flames, taking her with it.
"That was one of the Jedi accompanying Bastila. Damn, we could have used her help!"
Glancing at the weary ensign, the scout shrugged. "I don't wanna know how prison was for you; if you think ol' crabby over there would be of any help to you."
Taking a few steps towards the bridge, the pair was stopped by another pair of Sith who turned the corner.
Before they could raise their rifles, Trask threw one of his grenades at them, screaming "here's a surprise!"
Clanking between their feet, the grenade went off, sending both Sith away from the corridor and allowing the pair of soldiers to enter the bridge.
Before he could press the button on the console to open up the door, Trask extended a hand, "the bridge is just beyond that door. You better equip your melee weapon. There isn't much room on the bridge, and it's suicide to use a blaster in close quarters." He holstered his own blaster and nodded. "I should equip a melee weapon, too. Either that or I'll have to stay back and use my blaster."
Shrugging, the scout complied, holstering his blaster and unsheathing his sword. "Old pointy over here better come in handy. I don't want any stray lasers hitting my ass."
Without anymore hesitation, Trask opened the door to watch the group of Sith fly from where they stood from the explosion as a squad of fighters zipped past the bridge.
"Well that was completely useless," he muttered under his breath, while Trask spoke up, unbeknownst to what his companion muttered.
"Bastila's not here on the bridge—they must have retreated to the escape pods! We better head that way too."
"Hell, you don't have to tell me twice!" The pair began to race towards the other side of the bridge, eager to get to the pods and keep their lives intact.
"The Sith want Bastila alive, but once she's off the ship there's nothing stopping them from blasting the Endar Spire into galactic dust!"
Opening the chamber doors to the escape pod module, they left the bridge and made their way towards the starboard section of the ship. At the last possible moment, Trask's head perked up, his gaze fixed on the doors away from the starboard section. "There's something behind here," he muttered to no one in particular. He slowly made his way towards the door, watching as it opened to reveal a Dark Jedi clad in armour and with a bloodthirsty expression on his face.
Igniting his double-bladed lightsaber, he slowly made his way towards Trask.
"Damn—another Dark Jedi! I'll try to hold him off, you get to the escape pods! Go!"
"Chip, no!" He screamed out to Trask, watching as the door locked the soldier in with the Dark Jedi. "Chip! NO!" Pausing for a moment, he scratched his chin, trying to remember his fallen companion's name. "Chip? Truck? Trak? Task? Trask! Trask!" He slapped his palm on the doors. "Trask! NO! I don't know the way, Trask!" He sobbed. "I don't wanna die!"
He slumped to the ground, sitting there for a few moments before a panel exploded, causing him to jump up and glance at the door. "Well, I'm done moping around. Time to get the hell outta here."
Opening the door to the starboard section of the ship, he walked through the door, only to hear Carth's voice come across his comlink once more.
"This is Carth Onasi on your personal communicator. I'm tracking your position through the Endar Spire's life support systems."
"How the hell did you get my number?"
Almost as if he didn't hear Chappelle's question, Carth continued, "Bastila's escape pod is away—you're the last surviving crew member of the Endar Spire! I can't wait for you much longer; you have to get to the escape pods!"
Shaking his head with determination, the scout murmured, "you're not gonna leave this one behind! I'll kick your ass into the next millennia if I have to get on that pod."
As the survivor turned the corner, he paused as a Sith soldier stood still, watching the corridors for any signs of survivors. An explosion a few meters beside him gave Chappelle an opportunity to point his blaster at the unsuspecting Sith and squeeze the trigger, sending the bolt straight into the wall a few precious centimeters away from the Sith's face.
"What the hell kind of blaster is this?"
Almost as if to respond to his question, the Sith started to open fire, lancing bolts all across the wall, causing Chappelle to turn away from the blast.
"Looks like he has the same trouble with his blaster," he muttered turning the corner as he heard the Sith curse.
Turning the corner and drawing a bead on the Sith, Chappelle couldn't help but smile as he witnessed the Sith fumbling with the magazine clip on his rifle.
"The name's Chappelle, bitch!"
Red bolts flew all over the room, crashing into the Sith and sending him landing towards the wall he had investigated a few short moments ago.
Turning the corner, the scout raced towards another door and opened it, only to find another pair of Sith, facing the other way. He squeezed the trigger and watched them fall down, lifeless sacks of charred flesh.
Walking towards a computer console, Chappelle tapped a few keys, pausing to take notice of a flashing button. "I wonder what this does?" Pressing it, the monitor flashed with a message across the screen.
Power conduit overload—switching to security camera.
A blue hued image revealed a conduit explode, electrocuting the group of Sith in that room.
"Oops," he managed.
"Be careful! There's a whole squad of Sith Troopers on the other side of that door! You need to find some way to thin their numbers," Carth explained.
"Yeah, thanks," he replied dryly. Cocking his blaster again, he walked through the doors. "I'm free!"
The doors opened to reveal Carth Onasi, his blaster in hand. "You made it just in time! There's only one active escape pod left. Come on, we can hide out on the planet below!"
Narrowing his eyes, Chappelle took a step towards the Republic pilot. "You're the guy who has my cell number?"
"I'm a soldier with the Republic, like you. We're the last two crew members left on the Endar Spire." He nodded towards the escape pod. "Bastila's escape pod's already gone, so there's no reason for us to stick around here and get shot by the Sith. Now come on—there'll be time for questions later!"
Taking a step towards the pod, Chappelle glanced at Carth, "is this the pod?"
The pilot nodded, "that's the one. Now let's go!"
Chappelle nodded, "all right, let's get out of here!" Turning around he started to enter the pod, knowing Carth tapped the coordinates.
Following the scout, Carth walked face first into a fist, causing him to land back on the deck floor.
"So long sucker!" He called out from behind him, laughing, and sealing the hatch as the pod escaped the exploding cruiser. "That's what you get for getting my number without my permission. AHAHAHAHAAA!"