DISCLAIMER: This was made as a comedic skit that I and some friends performed for my church youth group, and later for the whole church. It is written as a screenplay, not as just a regular fiction. It was supposed be 'a comedic skit showing the follies of bad evangelism'. Thus, the evangelism methods of Napoleon in this skit are NOT meant to be followed. I don't think Christians should imitate them, and hopefully nobody does. This is just supposed to be for fun.
NAPOLEON: What kind of person would want me to witness to them? I don't even have any good skills! I don't have any evangelism skills, or Bible teaching skills...They only want people with good skills!
SOMEONE: Hi. Hey, I noticed you go to church and talk about Jesus and stuff. Can you tell me about Him?
SOMEONE:Please? I need to know about Him so I can go to heaven!
RANDOM VOICE OFFSTAGE: Your mom goes to heaven!
NAPOLEON: Well, I see you're coming to church. Is that 'cause you think you're saved? 'Cause you're not...you could be going to hell!
SOMEONE: What? Forget that, I'm not coming to church anymore now!
NAPOLEON: Such an idiot!
Exit SOMEONE. Enter SOME OTHER GUY, also known as just GUY. NAPOLEON gets out a Bible and starts reading it
GUY: Hey Napoleon, let me see your Bible!
NAPOLEON: No, go find your own!
GUY grabs for Bible
GUY: Come on, Napoleon, let me see it!
NAPOLEON pushes him away.
NAPOLEON: Get off, I haven't had hardly any time to read today!
GUY kicks NAPOLEON
NAPOLEON: Ow! Idiot!
exit GUY. NAPOLEON looks toward audience. NAPOLEON: It looks like my witnessing techniques haven't been getting me anywhere. enter REX
REX: I might be able to help with that! My name is Rex, and if you study with my eight-week program, you'll learn a system of witnessing that I developed over two years of fighting against the Pentagram. It's called Rex-Kwon-Witnessing! First, you'll learn the buddy system--no more flying solo! You need God watching your back at all times! Next, you'll learn to discipline your appearance. You think I got where I am today because I dress like Pastor Pan here? motions to pastor in audience No way! motions to his pants You think anyone wants to hear about Jesus when I've got these bad boys on? Forget about it! Now, I need a volunteer.
NAPOLEON raises hand
REX You'll do. Come on up.
NAPOLEON comes up
REX:Bow to your sensei. NAPOLEON bows BOW TO YOUR SENSEI! NAPOLEON bows again Now grab my arm. grabs arm Other arm. NAPOLEON uses his other arm to grab REX's same arm My other arm! grabs his other arm Now watch, people! I'm just going to hand him the tract, walk away. Give the tract, walk away!REX gives NAPOLEON a tract, NAPOLEON sits down In addition to everything you've just seen here, you can learn how to be a really great witness, and win people over to the Lord. You'll also learn how to get their money so you can use it for your--I mean, God's kingdom! Now, for only $300, you can sign up for my eight week program.
NAPOLEON: Well, that was pretty much totally pointless!
exit REX, enter PEDRO
NAPOLEON: Hey, Pedro. Do you know what I could do to like, be a better witness?
PEDRO: Hey Napoleon. Well, aren't you pretty good at talking to people, like being friendly and stuff?
NAPOLEON: Yeah, pretty much the best that I know of.
PEDRO: Then why don't you go up to the person who you want to hear about God, and be nice and give them like a gift or something?
NAPOLEON: That's a pretty good idea.
exit PEDRO. Enter SOMEONE and GUY. SOMEONE is beating up GUY, has him in a headlock, and throws him onto the ground
GUY: Ow, get off of me!
SOMEONE: Give me that lunch money! Walks away, dejected Rex said this would work!
NAPOLEON walks over
NAPOLEON: How's your neck?
GUY: Stings a little.
NAPOLEON: That's too bad. holds out a Bible for him Jesus offers you His protection.
GUY: Hey, this Jesus guy sounds pretty cool!
NAPOLEON: Yeah, He has, like, this really sweet love, and mad-awesome skills in creating the universe, doing miracles and stuff...He's really awesome!
GUY:Sweet! I think I'll follow Him!