Chapter 11: In Which Tessa Initiates An Unexpected Field Trip

Location – The corridor leading to Susan's room

Edmund: Our troop numbers are swelling... (stares at Vjl, Clari and Tessa)

Feimao: Aha! My forces of evil grow stronger! I smell victory on the horizon :D

Tessa: What does victory smell like?

Clari: Philadelphia cream cheese!

Vjl: But victory's a concept. Do concepts have smells? Can we detect a concept with our five senses? What ARE concepts?

Tessa: I bet it smells like rainbows!

Clari: Rainbows have no smell, fool!

Tessa: (sniffs) How would YOU know? Have YOU ever smelled a rainbow?

Clari: No, but neither have YOU.

Tessa: ... I bet victory smells like rainbow marshmallows.

Clari: Ooh, I like the pink ones.

Feimao: Shh! Our target is in sight! Behold – the Susan (gestures covertly at lone figure emerging from room). Cautiously, it peeks its head out to scan the surroundings for signs of danger. Observe the wide-eyed wariness and bent-knees stance of a creature posed to flee at the first sign of aggressors.

Vjl: Why are you talking like a wildlife documentary?

Clari: Elephants! I like elephants! :)

Feimao: Quiet! Or the Susan will pick up our predatory whisperings and evade capture. We must tread carefully and blend in with the environment. To arms, to arms! (holds up glue gun)

Tessa: (holds up rainbow staff)

Clari: (holds up industrial-size sack of marshmallows)

Vjl: (holds up a turtle)

Edmund: Hold it, hold it! What IS all this stuff?

Feimao: Erhh, weapons of mass distraction?

Edmund: (picks up Vjl's turtle by one flipper) A TURTLE?

Vjl: It can fly.

Edmund: ... (lets go of it)

Turtle: (flaps its way to freedom down the corridor, mesmerising Susan on the way)

Susan: Oooh...

Feimao: Quick, hit her with the marshmallows!

Clari: Eh get your own marshmallows!

Feimao: LOOK IT'S PETER!

Clari: WHERE!

Feimao: (grabs industrial-size sack of marshmallows and hurls it at Susan)

Clari: EH!

Susan: AUUGHHH! D8

Tessa: (waves rainbow staff) Rainbow marshmallow explosion!

(The sack of marshmallows explodes in an amazing technicolour display of confectionery pyrotechnics.)

Susan: ARRGHH MY EYES!

Clari: ARRGHH MY MARSHMALLOWS!

Edmund: HURRAH!

Lucy: (rounds the corner) OH MY GOODNESS! D8

Edmund: I mean erh, OH BOLLOCKS!

Lucy: Edmund! Don't swear!

Edmund: Erh, fiddlesticks.

Lucy: SUSAN WHY ARE YOU RAINBOW-COLOURED?

Susan: MY EYES, I'VE GOT MARSHMALLOW JUICE IN MY EYES!

Feimao: HURRAH GAY PRIDE! She looks like a Paddle Pop ice cream :)

Tessa: Marshmallows have juice?

Vjl: I expect when they've been placed under extreme heat in a rainbow explosion, the resultant goopy melted mess would constitute marshmallow juice.

Clari: TURN IT BACK TURN IT BACK! You didn't even save the pink ones!

Feimao: Alas! What is this? I cannot seem to find my handy dandy ultimate remote control. Oh dear, whatever shall we do?

Clari: YOU DON'T PRETEND! COUGH IT UP NOW!

Feimao: (coughs up a bicycle)

Everyone: ...

Clari: WHAT THE HELL.

Edmund: ... Now that's just bizarre.

Feimao: But look, it even has a bell! Ching ching!

Susan: I CAN'T SEE I CAN'T SEE!

Lucy: Oh come on, Susan, let's get you washed up properly (guides Susan back into the room).

Susan: I'M BLINDED FOR LIFE!

Lucy: Nothing a lot of hot water and scrubbing won't fix.

Feimao: Sandpaper! Use sandpaper! Or if it hardens too much, diamond drills could do the trick.

Edmund: I never knew marshmallows could be so deadly.

Vivien: Marshmallows! The new lethal weapon of the 21st century!

Feimao: Except we're not exactly in the 21st century at the moment.

Vivien: So they're the new lethal weapon of the sort-of-but-not-exactly 21st century?

Feimao: Something like that.

Edmund: My brain hurts. I want breakfast.

Feimao: TO BREAKFAST, NARNIA, TO BREAKFAST! 8D

Peter: (comes out of his room and sees rainbow Susan) JUMPING GIANT BOOGERS, WHAT IN FRIGGIN GRIFFIN POOP IS THAT?

Lucy: PETER! Watch your language!

Peter: Erh, what in fiddlesticks is that.

Susan: I hate you all.

[At breakfast in the dining hall]

Feimao: Right! Now for today's agenda!

Vjl: Which would be...?

Feimao: To come up with an agenda for today!

Vjl: =_= Right...

Feimao: (hammers mallet from nowhere on table) So! Suggestions, people!

Lucy: Cookies! ^_^

Peter: Not again! D8

Lucy: But I LIKE cookies :(

Peter: But erh, um, uh, but... Susan! Look at Susan! Yeah! She's in no condition to eat any cookies!

Susan: (glares at Peter with silent poison)

Lucy: Oh, that is true. I'm sorry Susan, I forgot all about your braces. We'll bake cookies another time then.

Clari: I WANT SWISS ROSTI!

Vjl: Fish!

Edmund: Erh, Turkish delight!

Tessa: NEPAL! :D

Everyone: ...

Feimao: Ok, Turkish delight it is!

Clari: KNNCCBLJ! Stop fawning over your boy toy!

Feimao: I'm not fawning!

Edmund: What's a boy toy? o_o

Lucy: Maybe they're toys shaped like little boys! Are there girl toys, I wonder?

Vjl: (to Feimao) So you contest the fawning allegation but not the boy toy one?

Feimao: Yah! :D

Clari: Oh you lusty bitch.

Tessa: But I want to cycle to Nepal and teach the little children all about rainbows :(

Clari: Siao! Cycle to Nepal... We're not even in a real country! How to cycle to Nepal!

Tessa: With the power of my rainbowness, anything is possible! :D (waves rainbow staff) RAINBOW TELEPORTATION!

[Suddenly, in a place that is definitely NOT Nepal]

Clari: GOONDUSAMI! THIS IS NOT NEPAL!

Tessa: How would you know, you've never been to Nepal.

Clari: And YOU have?

Tessa: No.

Clari: THEN?

Tessa: This place gives off Nepal vibes :)

Clari: There are llamas in Nepal! D'you see any llamas around here? NO! Because this ISN'T NEPAL!

Tessa: Maybe they're all hiding cos you scared them away :(

Feimao: (points at something in the distance) Dude! It's like, a llama!

Clari: It's an OSTRICH, FOOL.

Edmund: Erh, so where ARE we?

Feimao: KUZCOTOPIA! Because there are llamas! :D

Clari: OSTRICH! We're on an ostrich farm!

Lucy: Oh look! There're little holes in the ground over there!

Vjl: They look like some kind of burrow or tunnel system.

Clari: MEERKATS! We're in Africa!

Vjl: Hang on, there's something peeking out of that hole. Doesn't look like a meerkat to me.

Feimao: Eh let's play whack-a-mole :D (holds up mallet)

Vjl: That's not a mole either. It's a...

(Suspense...)

Peter: A... ?

(Suspense ++ ...)

Susan: A-?

(Suspense +++ !)

Edmund: Turkish delight o_o

Peter: What? o_O

Edmund: It's a piece of Turkish delight o_o

Susan: EEEK! DX

Lucy: Aww, how cute! ^_^

Feimao: ... Does this mean we're in Turkey?

Clari: Oh what the HELLL...

Lucy: Oh look! There're more of them coming out of their burrows!

Peter: Is it just me or do they come in different colours?

Vjl: They probably have different flavours.

Feimao: Oh hurrah! We have found an Assorted Flavours colony of Turkish delight!

Edmund: You mean there are OTHER types of Turkish delight colonies?

Feimao: Yah, like the Single Flavour colonies. Rose flavour, almond flavour, pistachio flavour...

Lucy: Look, there goes a purple one!

Clari: Babies are born purple, it is like yams sprouting.

Everyone: ...

Clari: WHAT?

Feimao: Exactly how many profound moments do you plan to have in this fanfic?

Clari: HA! Every moment with me in it is a profound moment! I exude profoundness!

Tessa: (holds up a coconut) LOOK I FOUND A COCONUT! :D

Everyone: ...

Feimao: (to Clari) Dude, she beat you on that one.

Clari: CHICKENSHIT.