Fan letter Eighty-Three

Which is actually just a continuing arguement, despite the fact that I am totally right.

From: Teh Angel of Nocturne From: Teh Angel of Nocturne

To: Bakura the spirit thief

Subject: It is ON, bitch!

Dear Bakura-chan (Just to annoy you….), hypocrite to his own rules on grammar,

What the hell is with you not caring anymore about the shit we (and when I say "we" I kind of mean "I") throw at you? Care, Ra-damnit! It's not that much fun pestering you if you don't FIGHT BACK!

We are on letter #5 right now (wow this has been a long journey) and as for my sister not doing a good job with Marik… well hell, it's MARIK! You would think it would be easy to spot him doing something bad but sadly, no, it's not. And it drives my baby sis CRAZY!

What's on his list of strange unauthorized activities? Let's see:

Allowing himself to be sedated, put in a dress, and have a make-over (it was against his will but if he hadn't left the house that would have NEVER happened!); writing letters about friendship with my sister's assistance ( He fainted the first time he wrote the word "friendship" … fuck… so my sister had to type it all out for him); taking someone's dog and running it over with a bicycle(it was not a car and it was not HIS dog); going to strip poker on Fridays; drinking Liquid Plummer (we had to send him to the hospital for that… I blame YOU for giving him the Ra-damn idea!); trying to make a pie factory (supposedly in Hitler's honor and that didn't sit well with the Jewish neighbors); and of course, skinning cats and managing to kidnap your guinea pig.

But onto bigger and better things, I don't blame you for being sexy—unfortunately you just ended up that way. Though, I do sometimes wonder how licking blood off of a gold Egyptian relic or stabbing your own arm is at ALL a turn-on… whatever, that's for you to question. Anyway, it's not you I'm mad at… it's the crazed fan girls who give me the willies. I mean, sheesh… the love is fine but the worship is an all out cry of insanity!

I have one thing to say to you fan girls… GET A LIFE! And not the one your currently have (if you can call it that).

Oh, I watched Final Fantasy VII Advent Children, so now I understand what the fuck you're blabbering on about when you talk about Vincent's arm or his cell phone (though, where in all the flying fucks did the Sephiroth and Animal Crackers w/ frosting thing come from?). It's all very amusing now that I understand it.

Oh, and tell Yazoo that he IS a Down syndrome brat (all we're missing is the drool and wandering left eye)… and tell Cloud I feel sorry for him about Tifa. Bitch should get a life.

….

If I promise Sephiroth an animal cracker will he pole dance?

….

Just asking.

My best friend now likes your letter responses because they have FF and Gundam Wing people in it… by any chance can we get Heero's autograph… and in blood? Oh, and tell Duo I want that hand in the freezer… I think' it's my boyfriend's….

Ha, just kidding! I don't have a boyfriend! Never did, and probably won't for a good few years. Not that men are any good anyway… that includes you too, Bakura the ex-spell checker. And maybe even Yami… no, Yami's an angel, scratch that thought. He is an angel and I loves him!

And I know you're laughing right now so shut up, Bakura-chan.

Oh, and this shall give you something to think about: the evils of the Furbies. I have experienced them as well, as a victim to their hostile attempt at taking over the world!

One Easter me and my little sister (the one who was previously whacking Marik to death wit 4) got Furbies as a gift from my grandparents. We played with them for about two hours before we got bored of them and tried to turn them off… but they wouldn't. We even removed the batteries and they CONTINUED TO TALK! (…creepy…)

Anywhoo, we threw them in a closet, and guess what? THEY WERE STILL TALKING! They didn't stop for a few hours, and after that… never heard from them again, fortunately.

But that's not the end of it! One of my friends had a Furby that also didn't stop talking—her family dissected the damned thing, looking for which wire to cut to shut it the fuck off and, well, apparently these things are possessed by some lame-ass spirits because it KEPT TALKING! A literally inside-out Furby, STILL TALKING! At that point my friend threw it out into the backyard, and she told me that it continued to squabble for two whole days until it rained—after that, all was silent.

You know, I bet YOU could have a Furby army, Bakura-chan! They all seemed screwed enough that they would SO follow you! But seriously, they are messed up toys, no one should get one. And we all thought the Japanese were taking over with Pokemon… pshaw….

Anyways…wait, Leo has CLAIMED Yazoo?

O.o

I guess I'll tell my sister… but she will NOT be pleased… she loves Yazoo ta pieces, and since Marik has currently taken residence beneath her bed until hell freezes over, she might need a new playmate.

And I'll tell Sephy you called him a dildo… just ta piss you off… before he buries you six feet under!

Actually knowing Sephy he'll probably cremate your scrawny ass… I'll have a nice little jar waiting for you when you're done, though! 'Cause I'm NICE!

You know, I realized that this letter hardly has enough Baku-bashing in it for meh. Maybe I should ask around and see if I can get any dirt on you for future blackmail… like the toasters you've obliterated ta Hell and back. Perhaps they'll give a few comments… I wonder if you can go to jail for toaster homicide…..

… Why do I get the feeling that this letter has become a completely useless throwing of monkey shit?

… Maybe that's 'cause it is.

Hey, have you ever watched Harry Potter? And if you have (or haven't)… have you ever watched PotterPuppetPals? They're online and it is the sweetest gig ever! They even have a naked Dumbledore and Voldemort being shot at with rifles! It PWNS!

I think you'll like it, even if you've never watched HP… but it helps to.

Moving on, I don't get the point of why I even write these letters anymore, since you just rip them to shreds and make mean comments that are actually empty and should make no difference to me but do because I actually have a heart unlike some people, hint hint, you, and just because they are funny they do hurt people's feelings if you haven't noticed because I'm sure you must have with some of the people you bitch to or did before about bad grammar mistakes and spelling errors that of course you make yourself all the fucking time and still you blame it on Leo, which is cruel of you because she is like your number one fan except now I believe that she is replacing you with something far more loyal, we'll say, Yazoo which might be better for her because they way you treat her is totally inconsiderate and you literally walk over her like she is nothing which is not true because without her you wouldn't be on the damned computer typing responses to useless fan mail that usually consists of girls and maybe guys trying to get into your pants or worshipping their ass off for you by making shrines and claiming you as the God of their religion, which by the way how is that going you know with the whole Sephy-kura-ism thingy that everyone seems so fond of because you only mentioned it once in a letter and you didn't go further into explaining it like maybe if there was a church dedicated to it or something, or if you guys had a website dedicated to it but if you do then tell your peeps about it I'm sure they'd love it, but moving back to what I was saying before you are an inconsiderate, slimy, foul-mouthed albino thief who just happens to have good looks despite your malicious and spiteful personality which I bet if we saw that instead of your sexy—I will say sexy but just to annoy you I shall also say "cute"—physical form which by the way how the fuck did you get a physical body in the first place or are you still controlling Ryou which I doubt because I would think Jou would be dead if you were also in Ryou's body when they were dating or even worse making love eww isn't that a sick thought for ya, 'Kura because it is for meh and I think that's odd because I'm a yaoi fan as much as the next gal but you put up a great point in your one letter where you asked why they make everyone gay you know the YYxY, BxR, SxJ, YMxM, OxH stories where every male in the whole Ra-damn thing has a pairing and all the females are left to themselves I mean WTF not everyone can be a friggin faggot in YGO I mean that's perfectly impossible, well maybe not but still it would seem logical to just, say, make you and Ryou gay that would be the end of it but you already said that SEPHY WAS YOUR DILDO so I guess poor little Ryou was out of the question, oh that poor little British ninny, eh?

….

(Panting right now, please hold)

….

That… was… a long… rant… 542 words… 42 words… longer… than yours… ha… beat that… Kura-bitch…!

Phew! Well, now that THAT is out of my system, I can refocus on whatever bullshit I was talking to YOU about…the bullshit was probably you… haw, haw, haw, HAW.

I'll just steal your use of the "haw's" for now… see, I can be a thief too, ya dumb Egyptian hypocrite!

Oh wait, I think I hear a girlish scream… no sorry that Marik… I guess my sis is currently pulling him out from the under the damn bed… my god, did she kick his nuts or something? He's hurting my ears, damnit!

Oh, and Evanescence rocks like Hell, they PWN everything! They are the best effing thing in the whole wide world except watching a drunken male orgy in Hot Topic (random thought) and did you know they've got a new CD coming out soon? I think it's called The Open Door, and it comes out in October! I SO bet you're gonna steal yourself one, right Baku-chan?

If you like Evanescence then get Nightwish CDs too, because Nightwish rocks OMIGOD I love them so much! Steal one of those too while you're at it!

I think I should close this letter up before I continue to blabber like a psycho school girl about random shit (like I've done for the last three minutes—including a rant!)… and I had best find Marik before he… oh, never mind, too late, he just went out the window… ya know I don't even think he realizes he doesn't have any clothes on… okay, the dog collar with the chain must count for something, but… yeah, that poor fucker. I'll have to talk to my sister about that one…I don't wanna get sued by our elderly neighbors… but I won't have to if I get Sephy to KILL THEM ALL! BWAHAHAHAHA!

… Yeah, I'm blabbering again, aren't I?

Well then, till the next letter!

From The Yami Fan Who Just Beat You in a Rant,

Teh Angel

P.S. I found out where your British Flag pants are! They've been buried in a small hole in my backyard by Marik because he wrapped the carcass of his dead dog in it for burial purposes….

If you want it back… um… you can have it. The dead carcass is free too.

P.P.S. Vincent says you owe him a cell phone and three cookies… and an arm.

P.P.P.S Cloud said he wants his dildo back… you know "the" dildo.

P.P.P.P.S. Sephy's your dildo? I thought your dildo was 5'2" with white hair, a sweater, and a cute little British accent… woops, sorry Ryou-san! My apologies ten fold!

… but none for you, Bakura-chan! I like that, let's say it again! Bakura-chan, Bakura-chan, Bakura-chan…

Baaaa…Kuuuu…Raaaa…CHAN!

Xxx

Oh my such spite, such anger, such distaste! Oh how it pleases me so! At last you've retaliated worthy of my true potential in ass holery! (actually dear I love ya to bits, but you just entertain me so much I can't help myself.)

Marik…Tsk tsk tsk…He REALLY needs to be locked in a place where he can't get out of. I mean he's been spotted all OVER the place! It makes me wonder how he gets from here to there all the time. I mean Marik's not the brightest crayon in the box and probably doesn't even know what a yen is, let along has any to travel with. It's a wonder he hasn't been kidnapped by a street gang and gang raped repeatedly…Oh poor, stupid, Marik…Tell your sister she's failing in her duties.

And yes, I truly understand, fan girls are almost the epitome of evil. And no I'm not claiming the epitome of evil, that would be Jenova's slot. Fan girls, however obsessive as they are, make perfect targets for my personal gain. After all, my mission in life was to gather an army, and I believe I've done so. Not to mention gotten myself quite a helping of fan mail as certificates of my pwnsomeliness. And don't ask me why people thought the eye licking thing was hot…I only did it because of the blood lust and the fact that I was trying to show up Sephiroth…didn't work, but it made me look cool I guess…I don't think I could win against Sephiroth…He's taller, more built, with prettier hair, and a bad ass sword…Yep I lose. But hey at least I'm second in line! I'll settle with that. Besides Seph's got that 'mother' complex.

Just…don't ASK about the Frosted animal crackers…Leo uses them as a bribe when she wants Sephiroth to well…destroy something…apparently he likes animal crackers enough…I don't see why she bothers though when it could be ME she asks! But NOOOO! Has to go and get HIS help! Not that I'm jealous or anything. Leo can go to hell.

Yazoo scowls at you for agreeing…I just thought you should know…Not that he really cares, I think he's come to terms with his Down Syndromeness…just goes to show that people with "disabilities" (you could say), can be cool…I suppose.

Sephiroth said if you give him enough animal crackers he may just give you a personal lap dance too. I don't know but I think he was actually…serious…He's addicted I swear…You can blame Leo for that one…She's the one who started that whole deal…A bitch that she is…and NO I wasn't not intentionally poking fun at Kenshin…who happens to be in my living room having a 'clean sword party' with Sephiroth, Kadaj, Kyo, Yukimura, and Sesshoumaru…I think they're all freaks…(Yukimura more then most).

Well, my pals, are flattered…Heero said he'll consider it…though I think he's plotting something devious…So you MIGHT get that autograph written in Relena's blood…I wouldn't put it passed that maniac…Heero can but just a SLIGHT bit mental…We love him though…and none of us has the balls to say anything other wise…

Oh and we HAVE indeed figured out whose hand it was that was in the freezer…Though I was under the impression that Jenova didn't have hands….which explains HOW Leo has been corrupted by Jenova…I swear on my life the other say I saw a silver hair on that bitch…I promptly ripped it out and made her go make cookies…which she burnt anyways…but at least this time they were EDIBLE…tasted like chalky dirt, but they didn't kill anyone this time…

You're absolutely right…Men are NO damn good…we're bastards…don't care about anyone but ourselves and completely enjoy making you women hate us…unless we want something, then we're known to suck up a bit. Sex is your weapon women…use it…(I just told you the secret to men…USE THAT KNOWLEDGE TO YOUR ADVANTAGE!) Unless said men is either gay, or Yukimura… If they are option one…then get a really sexy man to hit on them or something…If they're Yukimura…then there's no helping that issue…Because there is no creature in existence that can match that level of 'still sexy' gayness…I mean I'll be fair to the bastard…he's incredibly gay…but not like Richard Simmons gay…he's still got that "I'm a flaming homo" charm. I know you probably have NO idea who I am talking about, don't worry about and go on with your happy life…It's wise to stray as far away from the radiating toxic homo-ness that is Yukimura.

Ouch man, that is just cutting me straight to that quick now isn't it!

I specifically told you NEVER to speak in my presence didn't I?

Yes, you did…But dear me! I just couldn't help myself!

Augh…I am going to promptly ignore you now…Ahem…moving on. Furbies are SATAN in a toy form…I SWEAR IT! I SWEAR ON SEPHIROTH'S LIFE! That I heard one of those bastards Hail Satan and perform a black mass! I SWEAR!….Oh wait that was me…But seriously, I swear! It DID! They are Satan's means for taking over! He's like 'you know what man, fuck the rapture! I'll produce a toy with the power of KILLING god!' And fucking hell I think he did it! Leo got one for Christmas a couple years back and immediately took it outside with a hammer…That is no lie…then she used the spare parts to fix her remote control car. I'm still surprised she actually fixed it…It WAS a cool car…

I wouldn't get between Leo and Yazoo…She's like dedicating the world to Yazoo…There is no higher form of obsession…which PISSES ME OFF! …Then again she's taking a liking to Lord Homo (Yukimura). I mean…More like a new obsession…I think she gets a kick out of the fact that she can dress him in female clothes and he'll go along with it…Though…if he WERE a woman and dressed like that…I'd have to admit…I would SO hit that…I hate Leo…Either way…your sister would not last very long against Leo and her obsessive nature…And please…don't EVEN challenge her…or you may know the wrath that is Leo's bad cooking…er…cough I mean her temper…yeah!

Sephy knows I call him a Dildo. I'm his cheap side-whore, and he's my Dildo…we like to freak out the straight people with that…ourselves included. Heh…Kenshin is our Pimp. Who knew he had such a good sense of humor under that Goody goody two shoes act?

It's easy to forget your human morals when you hang with you people a lot, that it is.

Thank you mister sunshine. Remind me to slip you some date rape drugs, so I can have my way with you.

I'm sorry, but I believe it is I whom owns YOU, is it not?

Oooh, clever quip Lord Kenshin. I readily await your punishment for back talking!

Hey huh, you two just tell me when I'm to bring out the camcorder!

Dully noted dear Sephiroth.

And you people call ME gay?

But you ARE gay Yukimura…

KYO-SAAAN!

Well it's true.

If we're not careful we will fully have everyone believe that NONE of us are straight…I mean I myself question my sexuality when I look around and see not ONE female within miles…Leo doesn't count because, despite her CHESTly disposition, she's more of a man than the rest of us seem to be.

Sesshoumaru! Don't call me a MAN! I'm a WOMAN!

Please, you're so gender confused your poor readers don't know whether to call you Ma'am, Sir or a combination of both…

Oh very nice comeback, Kyo.

Thank you Bakura.

I'm not GENDER CONFUSED! …Okay maybe I am…I don't like myself…I hate myself actually…God…I hate all of you! I'm gonna go CUT MYSELF NOW!

…The sarcasm you come off with almost…I speak almost with UTMOST emphasis, comes off as cool.

Thank you KYO-CHAN!

Augh…Go die…

Aw, I think she's just too cute!

…Yep…Leo if Yukimura thinks you're cute, you MUST be a man…

FUCK YOU!

…Shit man, how did I manage to get THAT side tracked? DAMN MY BUDDIES!

Anyways, now I must unleash the ultimate monologue! It's like omnislash…only better.

I am, without a shadow of an unprecedented doubt, the most immoral bastard in the universe, and I relish in the knowledge that you think I am less than perfect because that means somewhere in that biting wit and irritable calling of my flaws that you actually pay enough attention to me to notice such things, as well as you actually interpret the words I write when I barely take the time to care about the response and what are you talking about, I'm a master of the English language and Leo can go die a horrible death as she is the reason I have yet to update this glorious letter for the world to see with her ignoring me and not giving me internet access in for fucking ever, she a bitch for the umpteenth time, which that word pisses me off, you know, it's just a made up word like fo shizzle only less cool sounding and I still don't understand why I almost got my ass kicked for saying fo shizzle to a gangster when I was on my way home from the grocery store yesterday, I mean he was just in my face and I thought he was going to kill me with his rancid breath attack, like a pokemon move but less cute and without the cheesy background music and dumb ass kid with a baseball cap and some shit and Oh My God they changed Ash's voice actor in pokemon, not that I watch it or anything, but I was watching it and noticed his voice totally sounded wrong and gay and very prepubescent teenage kinda dumb; wow, I don't know where that was going but back to what you were ranting about with something about everyone being gay, I'm glad you agree though I don't think it's gonna change, I guess these people watch too much gay soap operas; which leads me to stray topics once more to question the legality of a soap opera; how can they rightfully call it a soap opera if it is not A. soap related or B. Opera related, I mean I know they call it that because once upon a time they used to play a shit ton of soap commercials during these BSdramas, but I still don't understand the relevancy of calling it an opera when there is no singing, nor foreign language, nor creepy looking costumes and trailing back into the relevant topics, Ryou is not British damn it all, they made Ryou into a British Ninny because apparently everyone thinks British people are polite and soft and very wheeny, but my Ryou is a Japanese Transfer student damn it, I mean I've never met a British person with a name like Ryou Bakura, and I hope I never do, because I would likely beat the flipping tar out of him for being a wheeny, hmm, maybe Ryou is distantly British after all; hell I wouldn't know, I don't pay attention to him any more because I have new friends that love me; yeah okay that's a bullshit lie, they don't love me worth a damn and I know it, but I have much too much going on to keep up with the daily workings of the hikari known as Ryou and I will have you know I am not dumb, hypocrite yes; but dumb, hell no and you can protest all you want, according to the government you're free to protest all you want, according to my person belief system I'm free to harpoon knives out my window as a counter strike, thankfully the government doesn't know I exist and as a last final word before I die of lung over deflation, I have out done your pathetic monologue by a landslide and with great ease, clearing your monologue by a remarkable one hundred words.

(Pause for resurrection proceedings.)

Ah, there we go, my lungs are experiencing life again. And since I have nothing more to say,

Have a great fucking day,

Love the guy who just whooped your wordly ass in rant power. BOW to the master.