Eingkeit Macht Stark

Author's Notes- ...And back to the previous plot again!

I don't have much Weiss stuff for uploading at the moment (I seem to have temporarily packed up my toys and gone to play in the Yami No Matsuei sandpit), and so although I'm not entirely happy with this chapter, I thought I'd upload before I forgot it existed altogether. Once again, a lot of this plays on fanfic cliches and I'm not saying they're automatically bad- ideas are often done to death because they're good, and I write a lot of them myself.

Disclaimer- I don't own any of the recognisable characters or concepts. No profit is being made and no copyright infringement is intended.

"Bureaucracy!" Omi exploded, throwing a handful of forms in the air in frustration. Paperwork was even worse when you were an assassin and had to lovingly detail the outcome of every incident when someone grazed their elbow leaping off a roof top, dropped a crossbow on their foot or had a chunk taken out of their buttock when being chased by a rampaging, tentacled genetic mutant. And now Tot was hanging out with them, he had to be extra specially careful to make sure nothing anyone said could ever be interpreted as sexism, which meant shouting at Yohji every time he tried to make her a cup of tea or held a door open for her. Guaranteed, Tot actually wasn't capable of making a cup of tea, but until Yohji memorised Omi's little disclaimer about "I know you're an empowered womyn perfectly capable of making your own hot beverage of choice..", it was safer to avoid it altogether.

It also made things very difficult when technically he and Nagi should shut their eyes whenever they saw possibly 18 rated scenes of violence and/or a sexual nature, even if they were typically the cause of the first scenes and enthusiastic, naked participants in the second. At least Schwarz helped them to look as though they truly were equal opportunity by adding three more nationalities to the team. Before that, he had to keep desperately playing up Yohji's one American parent and claiming that Ken's great-granny had been half-Indian and was also a lesbian, probably. Unfortunately, he now had to make sure that all mission plans were also written in English, German and Irish Gaelic, although all three were fluent in Japanese and the only Gaelic Farfarello had ever learned was as a five year old in the playground, and therefore roughly translated along the lines of "Bumhead!" and "Poobrain!".

He glanced up. At this point, Nagi would often come by to deliver a soothing cup of tea or an equally stress-relieving lapdance, but he had yet to show up today. Omi went over to the bedroom to find him and shrieked.

That same morning while Omi was busily sorting out paperwork, Schuldig came downstairs and headed outside for his morning cigarette. Yohji was already there, puffing away contentedly.

"Wait one second," Schuldig said, suspiciously eyeing his cigarette at arm's length as though it had just attempted to take a bite out of his nose. "Since when have I ever smoked?"

"..That's a very good point," Yohji said. "I guess we'll never find out- what!"

Yohji had just caught sight of his own reflection in the window and realised he was wearing two small pieces of not-very-strategically-placed tape across his nipples and a sparkly pink chainmail thong decorated with maribou pompoms and ostrich feathers. The outfit covered around 5 percent of his exposed skin.

"But.. why would I dress like this?" Yohji asked, confused by the monstrosity he had apparently found in his wardrobe and wondering what the hell he had got up to last night. "I show off a bit of tummy, yes-"

"And a bit of arse, yes," Ken confirmed, wandering past for no apparent reason.

"But I'm not the strumpet of Weiss!" Yohji said indignantly, turning around to inspect himself. "Although I must say, it is growing on me,"

"It's shrinking on you if anything," Schuldig said, eyeing Yohji dubiously. "You look like a prostitute,"

"Yeah, well I guess you'd know about that,"

"What do you mean?"

"You lived on the streets since you were twelve weeks old, remember? Your abusive daddy threw you out, you were a drug addict by four, a prostitute by ten, raised by a family of friendly sewer rats who were all tragically murdered when you were thirteen.."

"Ahhh.." Schuldig said, and remembered.

The scene.. a snowy, Victorian street somewhere. A small, orange-haired street urchin is hopping mournfully around on a single crutch, almost being flattened by hackney cabs and cheerful chimney sweeps dancing around singing a musical number and waving their brooms about with blatant disregard for the poor ailing orphans around them. He spots a penny in the gutter and tries to grab it, only for a rich looking man in a top hat to hit him with his cane, and grab the penny himself.

"Huzzah!" The man roared gleefully. "More pennies for me to buy claret and snuff and small boys to shove up the chimney or work to death in my factories! Trying to steal it from me, you young ragamuffin?"

"God bless yer, good sir!" Schuldig cried, slowly getting back to his feet and shivering in the intense cold. "I didn't mean no 'arm, I didn't! Want me to shine yer shoes, guv'ner? Miscellaneous sexual favours? Me pimp will be right angry if I come back with nuffink. An' on Christmas too, 'ave an 'eart guv'ner-"

"Oh yes, I remember," Adult Schuldig said, sniffing. Both he and Yohji were now teary-eyed. Although somewhere in the back of his mind, he had a vague memory of family portraits featuring a smirking little Schuldig in a sailor suit, two doting parents, an enormous sprawling country house, an entire field of ponies, a quad bike, the full range of Action Man..

"And all that torment you went through at Rosenkreuz!" Yohji was now sobbing quite openly.

"What torment?" Crawford asked, wandering outside and suddenly looking blissful. "Rosenkreuz, now those were the days! I never thought I'd get a place there- my family were perfectly normal, you see, so when that owl arrived to tell me I had been accepted it was the happiest day of my life! I always knew there was something a bit magical about me! Well, when I wasn't too busy reading tea leaves and gazing into crystal balls, we were always off having a lark- eating chocolate frogs in the dormitories, running amok in the forest with hippogriffs and basilisks and kumquats.. I was Quidditch Captain, you know,"

His thoughts were interrupted as thick black smoke began pouring out of the kitchen.

"Oh, that Ken!" Yohji chuckled good naturedly, shaking his head at the familiar sight. "Always setting the kitchen on fire when he tries to make a cup of tea!" This was truly impressive as the tea in question was an iced beverage that required no more preparation than taking the pitcher out of the refrigerator and pouring it into a glass.

"Isn't this the same Ken who whipped up that lovely bouchee of escargots and morell mushrooms the other day?" Omi looked confused. It certainly hadn't looked like a McDonalds takeout anyway. "Never mind, we've got bigger problems than having to live without bouchees of escargots. There's something very wrong with Nagi,"

They knocked on Nagi's door.

"GO 'WAY!" Nagi screamed, telekinetically blasting them back out of the room, followed by a lethal hail of eyeliner pens, poetry written in red ink, most of Farfarello's pointy object collection and every track Linkin Park had ever produced, including the frontman's school concert rendition of 'Greensleeves' on the recorder, aged nine and a half.

"What happened to the moody, misanthropic little bastard we all knew and loved?" Schuldig asked sadly, untangling himself from the ceiling fan and plopping back onto the floor. Sure, Nagi had a bit of an awful past, but he generally didn't sulk and threaten to kill himself over it. He just went out and picked on someone smaller to make himself feel big and clever. And then killed them in a horrible, horrible manner, just like most of Schwarz did when they needed to relieve stress. Well, except Crawford. He preferred yoga, while listening to some godawful whale-music and panpipe CDs.

"It's terrible," Omi said. "He's lost interest in everything, especially se... that secretarial course he was studying,"

"It's because I'M FAT!" Nagi screamed. In the aftermath of a fit of telekinetic rage, Schuldig found himself back on the ceiling fan while Ken was blasted straight out the window and landed six streets away, flattening a passing nun. There was a distant cheer of "That hurt God!" from Farfarello. Schuldig removed himself once again and began considering the merits of having a ladder installed there for future episodes of teenage angst, before retreating to a safe distance, namely the kitchen.

"Ah, everything's normal here," Schuldig breathed a sigh of relief. There was only one member of Lila there, and thankfully Farfarello hadn't turned into a particularly melodramatic young goth or started considering a thong bikini ideal casual daywear. "Good old Farf, playing with his blender- wait, what's going on here?"

Farfarello looked up, surprised. "Just blending some bananas and milk-" He began mildly. Schuldig calmed down. Yummy, nutritious banana milkshake, nothing suspicious or strange here at all. Crawford used the blender to make poofy girly drinks all the time. Nothing sinister about having a nice smoothie.

"..Bananas and milk and BUNNIES AND PUPPIES AND KITTENS!" Farfarello continued, gleefully throwing a bag of small furry animals into the blender and hitting the button to turn it on. "God hates blending bunnies and puppies and kittens!"

"But you like bunnies and puppies and kittens!" Schuldig said. It was true. Farfarello's favourite hobby might be live vivisection of his own species, but he always inexplicably teared up when he saw a bunny lying squashed by the side of the road and marked out massacres (aka major Christian holidays) on a calendar filled with photos showing endless baskets of sappy, big-eyed kittens with bows around their necks.

"I ...DO!" Farfarello looked shocked, and then yanked off the lid and reached in without bothering to turn it off first. Blood sprayed everywhere, followed by partly-blended small animals and Farfarello's right radial artery.

"Oh no," Farfarello said sadly, pulling out half a bunny. "Will it be okay?"

"It'll be fine," Schuldig said, wiping liquidised kitten from his face. "Why are you blending small animals? Is there a good reason other than the horrible powers of YaoiRoxx and MistressCalicoFujimiya?"

"Ah dunnae kinn. Aye, an' aam supposed tae be Irish, nae Scottish," Farfarello said, alarmed. "Whit's gonae oan?"

"This is all very worrying," Crawford frowned, wandering into the kitchen. "I suppose this means MistressCalicoFujimiya and YaoiRoxx are up to something. That's going to completely ruin my plans for today. And I was so looking forward to picking on everyone, hitting Farfarello a few times and then locking him up because I'm a big meanie like that,"

"Okay," Farfarello said placidly. "But you might end up bruising your hand. Some bits of me are awfully bony,"

"Yes, picking on Farfarello would be rather pointless," Schuldig frowned. "Not to mention suicidal. In fact, picking on a telekinetic, a telepath, a psychopath and four only mildly less psychopathic assassins would be extremely suicidal. Crawford, is there something you want to talk to us about?"

"What? Oh no, I'm fine," Crawford said. "I just didn't really think that through, did I?"

Aya finally made his appearance. There was a long moment of awed silence as he came into the kitchen to the sound of heavenly orchestral music, surrounded by a sparkling golden glow and a sudden waft of violets in the air. He paused for a second in the door, tossing his silken crimson hair in a mysterious breeze that had sprang up, a seductive look in his lustrous amethyst orbs.

"You're looking unusually sharp, Aya," Ken said, finally breaking the silence. Aya was currently wearing skin-tight black latex trousers and a black mesh top decorated with straps, buckles, eyelets, laces, hooks, nuts, washers, bolts, 1.5" countersunk screws and other miscellaneous ironmongery. A touch of eyeliner and lipgloss finished the look off perfectly. Every female for miles around instantly fainted.

"Do you like it?" Aya asked coyly. "I imported it all from Hot Topic," He did a little twirl. Every male for miles around also instantly fainted at the sight of Aya's shiny, latex-clad, twirling backside.

It was difficult working in the flower shop that day. Even though a supermodel convention had apparently arrived in town and were all in dire need of a bunch of flowers and someone to tell their tragic lifestory to, Yohji had acquired a sudden disdain for all of them and couldn't take his eyes off Aya instead. Aya was acting oddly too. Instead of marching around with a perma-frown, bellowing at innocent small girls for looking at him funny and occasionally pausing to brood, he was now blushing and giggling every time one of his team mates so much as glanced in his general direction.

The door opened, and suddenly everything went slow-motion. Aya was transfixed. A beautiful girl stood there in the doorway, slowly tossing her rippling waves of ebony curls in a gentle breeze that had appeared from nowhere. A pure white glow surrounded her, and-

There was a bang, blood sprayed everywhere and the girl crumpled to the floor.

"Sorry!" Birman ran in, holding a gun. "I almost got here too late. I'm afraid YaoiRoxx and MistressCalicoFujimiya are beginning to make their influence known," She turned the corpse over. "As I thought. Aya, another five minutes and you'd have been completely under this mysterious girl's influence. You'd have fallen instantly in love and undergone a complete personality change,"

"Why don't they affect you?" Ken asked.

"As an existing female, I simply don't play a role in their fantasies," Birman shrugged. "I'm safe.. for now, anyway,"

At that moment, Tot disproved Birman's hypothesis as she wandered into the flower shop, tripped over her shoelaces, dropped an armful of potted plants, knocked over a display of petunias, walked backwards into another stack of expensive orchids, almost impaled Ken on the secateurs she was carrying and then finally fell over, flattening the shop cat with a nasty squelching noise.

"Whoopsie!" Tot said. For some reason, she had an odd vacant expression, her eyes were staring in opposite directions and her tongue was hanging out. "Don't mind me, I'm just a big stupidhead,"

"Avast! There be somethin' amiss with that wench. Sort it out, smartly now me beauty," Farfarello said, and then looked horrified at his sudden transformation into a pirate. "Begorrah, b'jaysus! Oi'm Oirish, to be sure! As feckin' Oirish as the lakes of Kilkenny!"

"I think we should probably hurry up and get this sorted," Omi said miserably, as Aya, Ken and Yohji all began eyeing him in a somewhat perverted manner, in the absence of a Nagi to molest.

They had a vague idea where MistressCalicoFujimiya and YaoiRoxx might be hiding, but it took quite a while for them to get ready. Lila found out it took over an hour alone to prise your average angry telekinetic out of a black-painted bedroom, then another hour waiting in Accidents and Emergency for Farfarello to get stitched back together after a three hour self-mutilating spree to hurt God, then when they got back Ken had managed to set the kitchen on fire again and Tot had forgotten how to walk. Once they had taught Tot how to put one foot in front of the other, Yohji then insisted a sparkling thong bikini was ideal mission wear and wouldn't be talked into at least putting some pants on. Farfarello wasn't helping by running around yelling about hurting God and gleefully praising the blasphemy of Yohji's bikini, Nagi's nu-metal CDs and Ken's cooking. Crawford found it very difficult for him to get ready too, since Schuldig kept playing pranks on him and he was constantly sitting on whoopie cushions, stirring salt into his tea and discovering Schuldig had carefully cut the arse out of every single Armani suit he owned.

"Where do we go from here?" Omi wondered when they had finally reached the suspected location.

"Durrrr, don't ask me. I is too stupid," Tot said cheerfully, tripping over her own feet for the sixty-fifth time that day. She looked at her umbrella, confused. "It's so shiny! Ouch!" She squealed, having cut her finger on the business end.

Farfarello looked excited at the sight of blood. "Tot-accidentally-cutting-her-finger-on-umbrellas hurts God!"

"Eww, skanky girl! They have cooties," Yohji said, edging away from Tot and her disgusting second X chromosome, and closer towards Aya. Aya was beginning to show the signs of a minor breakdown after being constantly molested ever since he had left his room, by Crawford, Ken, Yohji, Farfarello, Omi, Schuldig, all the fangirls, the postman and the shop cat (before Tot had thankfully flattened it). He could even swear the small potted plant in the kitchen was giving him a slightly lecherous look.

"I like football," Ken said brightly. "Let's all go play football,", and jumped on the nearest vaguely spherical object, which was unfortunately Aya's latex-clad behind. Once he had been removed, they noticed that body part also emitted a serene white glow as well as being unspeakably perfect, just like every other part of Aya. It would make sneaking in the dark very difficult. Yohji patted ol' Leftie reassuringly and tried to convince himself there was no shame in having the second most perfect ass in Japan. He failed.

"I'm going to kill myself," He said mournfully. Aya's backside twinkled at him mysteriously, and he could have sworn it giggled coyly. "Except by 'myself', I mean 'Aya'. And when I say 'kill', I mean 'hump'. Oh God, Aya, your ass has the power to prevent suicide,"

Omi grabbed Nagi and began steering him in the general direction of Aya, very difficult while Nagi was determinedly trying to commit hara-kiri with a small caterpillar he'd found somewhere. Fortunately, Nagi had apparently forgotten he was telekinetic and he was relatively easy to steer around, pick on and generally molest at the moment, something that all people in the immediate area kept trying to take advantage of.

"Please can't I rest for a few minutes?" Aya begged, backing himself protectively against a wall. There was a distant screaming from fangirls as they began to close in once more.

"We're nearly there," Omi said. Not that it mattered, since most of the team were now completely useless. Nagi was too busy trying to kill himself or running away from people trying to rape him. Tot kept falling over things and forgetting how to kill stuff, despite being a professional assassin. Schuldig kept bursting into tears remembering his traumatic past. Yohji had caught a chill from wearing a bikini out on a mission and was turning an attractive shade of blue. Aya was being repeatedly molested by everyone. And Farfarello kept periodically yelling about how this or that hurt God in alternating Scottish, Cockney, Jamaican and pirate accents, which was really giving away their position even if the hordes of following fangirls didn't.

Somehow, they finally made it to the secret hideout. Unfortunately, not by stealthy sneaking. They simply shoved Aya out into the open where he promptly leaped around in a graceful manner to the sounds of a full orchestra that had apparently popped up from nowhere, single-handedly killing all two hundred and sixteen guards and their horde of guard-dinosaurs in under forty seconds without gaining so much as a scratch in the process. The rest of Lila simply sat back and basked in Aya's beauty while he cleared the path to their targets.

MistressCalicoFujimiya and YaoiRoxx were sat in front of a table with a word processor, several notebooks and pens.

"Ah, Lila. We've been expecting you," YaoiRoxx smirked, stroking a white Persian cat.

"And now.. just in time for the conclusion to this story," MistressCalicoFujimiya smirked more, spinning her pen like the deadly weapon it was. "I'm afraid we no longer have time for the tragic buildup I had planned. Rocks fall, everyone dies.. except an amnesiac Aya who crawls out from the wreckage, taken in by a mysterious girl he meets who nurses him back to health-"

"Wait, Aya loves Yohji!" YaoiRoxx said indignantly, slamming her pen down. "He wouldn't forget about him just like that-"

"Aya is not gay, YaoiRoxx!" MistressCalicoFujimiya span round to face her friend. "He is so obviously into girls. Well, except for that whore Sakura, but that's just because she's an ugly slut who does nothing but stalk him all the time. He never said anything about being gay-"

"Never said he was straight either!" YaoiRoxx said triumphantly. She grabbed the nearest pen and began scribbling.

"Oh, Yohji-" Aya said, stepping jerkily towards Yohji. "I love you very much,"

"I'm sorry," Yohji said woodenly. "I am in an abusive relationship with Crawford. It will not work. I must go kill myself now-"

"NO!" MistressCalicoFujimiya shrieked. "This isn't how it goes!" She knocked the pen from YaoiRoxx's hand and crossed out the lines, writing her own. There was an ominous rumble from the ceiling and a few pebbles began to rain down.

YaoiRoxx threw herself across the table, grabbing the pen and jamming it into MistressCalicoFujimiya's eye. MistressCalicoFujimiya shrieked and grabbed YaoiRoxx's hair, ripping out a double handful. YaoiRoxx retaliated by taking a bite out of her wrist, letting go when MistressCalicoFujimiya ripped out her spleen. YaoiRoxx made a swift recovery and then began triumphantly typing with her free hand while smashing MistressCalicoFujimiya head repeatedly against the floor with the other.

"yuo r teh ;uv of my life!" Aya declared romantically, unsure how he had even managed to pronounce ";uv". Then he was saved as MistressCalicoFujimiya emerged with only moderate brain damage and threw herself back into the fight.

"Ordinarily, I would really enjoy this," Yohji said shakily as the pair of them rolled back and forward across the floor, ripping away clothes, hair and occasionally eyeballs and other fairly optional body parts. "But I'm too worried I'm going to be wiped out of existence or forced to bang Aya,"

He did wonder for a moment why they weren't doing anything to seize the two girls' writing implements or actually kill them. Aya had fled into a tunnel screaming something about more fangirls. Omi and Nagi had followed shortly after, when none of their team would stop molesting them for two minutes while they got the job done. Ken had apparently seized to exist as anything more than a face in the background (Yohji found the answer when he tapped Ken on the shoulder and discovered he had in fact been replaced with a cardboard cutout without anyone noticing). Tot had forgotten how to breath and passed out. Farfarello was prodding her thoughtfully with a stick and probably considering what method of dismemberment would best hurt God. And Yohji, for some reason (probably because YaoiRoxx was currently winning), was unable to bring himself to actually touch a girl without shuddering and coming over all nauseous.

Fortunately, nature took its course and the age old battle between yaoi and het fangirls played itself out without any need for outside interference. By the time Aya had shown up to save the day, out of breath and cursing himself for wearing latex, the two had already reduced each other to little more than a red smear and a collection of scattered body parts. Omi double-checked no one was looking, and discreetly pocketed YaoiRoxx's 79 chapter OmixNagi masterpiece on the way out.

A few days later, and everything was back to normal.

Aya was comfortably clad in his baggiest, oldest orange jumper, snarling at passing schoolgirls for looking at him funny and generally acting about as consciously seductive and alluring as the bastard lovechild of Bernard Manning and Ann Widdecombe. Nagi had gone back to taking out all his angst and teenage rage on the world instead of himself, and as a result, Lila's productivity and kill rate had increased by around 225 percent. Yohji finally put some pants on and made a full recovery from frostbite, although for a few days the fate of half his infamous left buttock was uncertain. Ken resumed pursuing his ambition to become an internationally renowned master chef. Farfarello's Irish accent was found safe and well, although the same could not be said about all the partially blended bunnies, puppies and kittens now splattered all over the Lila house. Schuldich stopped moping about his tragic, drug-addicted, prostituting past and went back to firmly believing he was probably the best person in the world, ever. And Tot made a dramatic recovery from having the intelligence of a brain-damaged goldfish. An independent IQ test revealed she was now at least as smart as the average golden retriever.