Author's note: I owe some people an apology for promising an update last week and not giving you one. I am so totally sorry and beg your forgiveness. I lost my internet connection, due to the fact that I am switching providers. So yes I have no internet and if I am honest I am suffering major withdrawal, lol. Anyway I've run off with my Mums computer so that I could update now. Sorry again and I hope yo enjoy it!

Kathryn stiffened in B'Elanna's embrace the unexpectedness of the gesture taking her off guard and bringing forth unwanted memories. Emotions began building up inside of her threatening her ever present control, so she did what she always did and snapped her captains mask in place, her face becoming indifferent as she reverted back to rank.

"Lieutenant I…" She began quietly pulling herself away from the embrace only to be cut off as the Doctor materialised in front of them. She turned away from B'Elanna's hurt but angry expression and focussed on the Doc.

"Ah Captain," he said barely concealed joy and pride in his tone. "Its good to see you awake." He moved towards her getting out his ever present medical tricorder. "The treatment has worked much better then I ever thought possible. You'll be pleased to know that your neural pathways are completely repaired." He clicked his tongue at the results on display.

"Can you tell me what you remember Captain?" Kathryn stared over his shoulder and the Doctor noticed her uncharacteristic quietness.

"Everything," she answered quietly. She didn't think it would ever be possible to forget what had happen or what she had almost done. "Its very hazy but I remember everything from under and out of his control," she clarified. She couldn't bring herself to even say his name and desperately wanted to forget it all.

"Are you in any pain?" The Doctor questioned already picking up a hypo spray. Kathryn knew she couldn't lie to him, the tricorder would tell him what type of pain she was in anyway. The truth was that the pain gave her something to focus on, something to distract her mind from the ordeals it wanted to relive. Not to mention that she saw it as a less then fitting punishment for her weakness.

"Just a slight headache Doctor, nothing that I can't handle." The Doctor ignored her comment and used the hypo spray anyway not in the least bit phased by her glare. The EMH began to turn around but stopped when Kathryn called out to him.

"Can I go to my quarters now," She asked a silent demand in her tone.

"Captain you have just undergone a major treatment what could technically equal extensive brain surgery, not to mention the fact that you have only just awoken from a coma…" Kathryn held up her hand forestalling the Doctors tirade. She needed to get out of this sickbay and back into her quarters where she could deal with this silently, in her own way.

"Doctor you said yourself that the treatment has been more then a success, I feel fine and if it will make you happy I will wear a cortical monitor but no matter what I will be going back to my quarters," she informed him sternly. The Doctor's face turned serious.

"Captain the only way I will let you out of these doors is if you have someone with you at all times. You are still too weak from the treatment to be looking after yourself." He replied meeting Kathryn's defiant glare with a stubborn one of his own. "I will make it a medical order if I have to!" Before Kathryn could reply B'Elanna stepped forward.

"I'll do it," She volunteered not even bothering to look in Kathryn's direction.

"Lieutenant ," Kathryn hissed her fists clenching tightly at her sides.

"Excellent," the Doctor sang as he began picking up several hypo sprays and ignoring his Captain's protest. "These are for pain relief if the headaches come back." He handed B'Elanna two hypo's. "and these are sedatives just to aide sleeping," he instructed before turning back to Kathryn. "Now Captain you are on official medical leave until I believe you are well enough, both emotionally and physically, to retake command."

"Excuse me," She ground out. The Doctor moved forward so that he was just in front of her and spoke quietly so that only she could hear. B'Elanna busied herself near the door. "Captain you have been through a lot and I urge you to talk to someone about it. I'm quite a good listener and have some counselling subroutines in my system. I might be able to help you. If not me then talk to Commander Chakotay." Kathryn breathed deeply resisting the urge to cry and scream. Instead she walked over to the replicator and replicated her self a simple pair a black trousers and a comfortable top. She walked into the small bathroom to the side of sickbay and changed. She completely ignored the Doctor's comment

"I'll be in my quarters," she stated when she came out of the bathroom before she marched through the doors into the corridor. B'Elanna hastily trying to keep up with her. The doors closed after them leaving the Doctor alone in sickbay.

"Sickbay to Commander Chakotay." The Doctor requested as he hit his comm badge.

"Chakotay here Doctor." The EMH fiddled with some instruments as he spoke.

"Commander the Captain is awake." When all he received was silence the Doctor cleared his throat. "Commander?"

"Yes Doctor," Chakotay replied his relief more than evident. "I'm on my way."

"Actually Commander she isn't in sickbay anymore, she left for her quarters."

"And you let her?" Chakotay exclaimed.

"Hardly Commander," the Doctor huffed indignantly. "We came to an arrangement when she refused to stay in sickbay. B'Elanna is going to stay with her for now. I'm sure you will want to relieve her later," he suggested already knowing the answer.

Kathryn tapped her door code into the panel causing the doors to swish open and allow her and B'Elanna entry into her quarters. B'Elanna entered reluctantly not quite sure what to do with herself, but determined none the less. Kathryn turned and stared at her and she shifted uncomfortably on her feet.

"I'm going to go to my room Lieutenant, please make yourself at home," Kathryn stated simply. "I'm sure Commander Chakotay will come by to relieve you soon." Kathryn knew her crew, especially Chakotay, too well. She could quite confidently predict their every move and would place money on the fact that the Doctor would have contacted Chakotay as soon as she left sickbay. As she reached the doors B'Elanna found her tongue.

"Captain I know you hate this, you're a lot like me in that respect, hating your privacy being broken and control taken away…having to be looked after." Kathryn paused at the doorway putting her hand on the frame. "Its just we all care about you and after what you've been through we just want to help." Kathryn's grip tightened on the frame her knuckles turning white under the pressure. "I know that you feel guilty for what happened and just so you know, no one blames you…I don't blame you. None of it was your fault, please remember that Captain."

B'Elanna slowly walked over to where her Captain stood, standing behind her.. She took a deep breath.

"Captain I have never respected anyone as much as I have respected you, I don't think I've ever told you that," she continued her voice hoarse with emotion. "I don't think I've ever told you how much I've always valued your opinion and advice and that was my mistake, I should have told you a long time ago." Kathryn felt a tear escape her eye. "We almost lost you…more then once and it made me realise how much I haven't said and how much I value your presence in my life. I care about you a great deal Kathryn Janeway as my Captain and as my friend." B'Elanna felt tears fall from her eyes and for once didn't feel embarrassed or ashamed of them "A friend that I desperately want to see more of with out, oh God what does he call it, the…the Captains mask in place."

Kathryn placed her hand over her mouth as her body remained stiff. Everyone of B'Elanna's words cut into her deeply, the emotion almost unbearable in its intensity, almost making her buckle and fall to her knees.

"You are the single bravest most noble and courageous person I have ever had the privilege to know or serve under. You changed my life, making me the person I am now. A person that I am proud of and that I hope you are proud of too."

"I am B'Elanna, more then you know," Kathryn whispered as the dam in her eyes bust and her tears cascaded down her cheeks. She still didn't turn around.

"Please be brave now, you won't be weak or loose our respect if you let us in to help you. Me, Tom, Harry, Seven, Doc, Neelix, Chakotay, the whole crew in fact would follow you to hell and back if you so much as suggested it. Chakotay….God Chakotay he would do that and so much more with a smile on his face if it would only make you happy for even a second. Do you realise how much he loves you? Do you realise how much we all love you?" B'Elanna cried as she turned her face away and furiously wiped her cheeks. She felt a hand gently grip her face and turn her back around. Her eyes met Kathryn's seeing a mirror image of her own tear stained cheeks and bloodshot eyes in front of her.

"I'm sorry B'Elanna," Kathryn whispered brokenly as fresh tears escaped her eyes. In her eyes B'Elanna saw everything; the pain, regret, loss, longing and hope.

"You don't have anything to be sorry for," B'Elanna whispered seriously. That last comment destroyed the last of Kathryn's defences and she crumbled, sobbing openly into B'Elanna's arms. B'Elanna fell with her never feeling as relieved or honoured in her life.

How long she cried for B'Elanna didn't know but her legs were telling her that if she didn't get up now they would drop off and leave her. Kathryn had stopped sobbing a while back but B'Elanna could still feel the occasional tears soak her shoulder.

"Captain…"

"If we're going to be friends don't you think you should call me Kathryn?" she answered as she pulled back from the embrace a small smile present on her lips.

"I would be honoured…" she replied honestly. "..Kathryn. It might take me a while to get used to it though." Kathryn chuckled quietly, the first real laugh she had experienced in what seemed like forever and it made B'Elanna break out into a grin.

"What," she questioned moving towards the replicator as Kathryn moved to sit on the sofa. "Two coffees, black," she stated as the machine produced the wanted beverage. She handed Kathryn her cup as she sat down next to her.

"It took Chakotay around five days to stop correcting himself," Kathryn informed her smiling gently at the memory. She gazed into her coffee cup for a few moments before she met B'Elanna's eyes. "Thank you," she said softly.

"You would do the same for any one of us," B'Elanna replied. "I'm just glad you trust me enough to let me help you. Your trust means a lot to me." Kathryn grasped her hand.

"B'Elanna Torres you listen to me, I have always trusted you. What you have done for me today has just added and built upon my trust for you, never doubt that. I trust every single member of my crew. What happened this past week has effected me more then I care to admit or should admit." B'Elanna began to protest but Kathryn stopped her by holding up her hand. "I know you don't agree with that but it's the way I have always been and the way I was taught and trained to be, it will be hard for me to break out of that habit, but I want to. I need to."

"Will you let us help, will you talk to us or at least talk to Chakotay?" B'Elanna questioned hopefully.

"I will certainly try," Kathryn answered shakily. B'Elanna smiled just as the door chimed. Kathryn cleared her throat.

"Come in." The doors parted to reveal an anxious looking Chakotay, his gaze flittered between the two women. Silently questioning both of them with his eye. B'Elanna decided that this was her cue to leave and placed her coffee cup on the table as she stood and made her way slowly to the door.

"Well Kathryn I should go now Tom is probably pacing a hole in the carpet," she joked before turning serious again. "Remember what I said and call me if you need anything."

"I will." The two women shared a small smile before B'Elanna kissed Chakotay gently on the cheek and left the room. The doors closed behind her leaving the room silent. Kathryn stood up and turned towards the view port, staring out at the stars.

"Kathryn…" Chakotay met the eyes of Kathryn's reflection in the view port. She smiled shakily at him before leaning her forehead on the hand she rested on his reflection. Chakotay strode forward so that he was standing behind her closely, although not close enough to be touching. "Kathryn…are you alright?" he whispered caressing her name with his voice.

"No," she breathed shakily, surprising Chakotay with the admission., she reached for his hand and he offered it to her without hesitation.. She gripped it firmly finding comfort in the warmth of the contact and feeling safe with him next to her. "No…but in time, I will be." Slowly her hand changed position so that they were palm to palm, echoing a gesture from long ago as blue eyes met brown. "I will be."

The End

Well I can't believe it, it seems like I have been writing this story forever. Not bad considering it started out as a one shot that morphed into what was supposed to be a short multi chapter story, lol. I hope you have all enjoyed the ride, I've loved every second of it even if it did frustrate the hell out of me from time to time. Its been an amazing emotional roller coaster for me, having me crying aww-ing, gasping, screaming and hating myself all the way through, lol. I hope you saw, read and felt the emotion I tried to convey.

To everyone who reviewed and stayed with me, despite my sporadic updates I thank you very much, several times over from the bottom of my heart. I know its probably been frustrating for you, having to wait for the updates and for that I am sorry but I hope its been worth it and that you have enjoyed it as much as I have. Gosh I'm all emotional, lol.

Feedback would be more then welcome, I love hearing all you have to say, whether it's on the story as a whole or just the ending. If you want me to right more, an epilogue or sequel of some sort then tell me and I will try and get one done.

Thank you again

Yours Truly

Steph7085

xxx