Cao Cao's Battle Report

By: Master Jin Sonata

Genre: Humor

Written: May 2006

In the year 206 A.D. Cao Cao, the ruler of the Wei Forces, got his army owned by the opposing kingdoms. This is Cao Cao's Battle Report

Cao Cao, who was sitting on his throne inside his castle, was contemplating his next big move to take over all of China. Seconds later, the main doors flew open, and someone rushed toward him. It was a scout he had sent earlier to report on the progress of the battle his forces were participating in.

"Lord Cao Cao, I return with news on the battle that's taking place as we speak," the scout said as he bowed before his master.

"Good. I assume my army is proving victorious over the enemy forces?" Cao Cao questioned, taking a sip from his wine cup.

"Actually, sir," the scout gulped, "Your forces are on the brink of being completely wiped out, my Lord."

Cao Cao's eyes flew open in astonishment as he then spat out his drink.

"What do you mean our forces are on the brink of being destroyed? Well, let's here that report already!"

"Um, right sir," the scout said, pulling out a scroll from his vest.

"What's the status of our supply bases?" Cao Cao questioned.

"Under the complete control of the Wu forces, sir."

"What? Okay, what's the status of our siege ramps and catapults?"

"Repossessed by the Shu forces, sir."

Cao Cao blinked for a second, before his facial expression turned to anger.

"What about our troops? How's our archer unit faring?"

"Archer unit annihilated by an unknown unit of musketeers, sir."

"Muskets! What in the-What about our fire brigade?"

"Put out by a rockslide, sir."

"What about our sorcerers?"

"Fried by Zhang Jiao's wrath of heaven, sir."

"…Our reserve units?"

"Beaten to death by Diao Chan, sir."

"Enough of this! Certainly my top Officers are still in the blue…" Cao Cao said, clenching his teeth.

"Well, uh, sir…"

"Just get on with it! How's the mighty Xiahou Dun faring?"

"Trampled to death by Meng Huo's elephants, sir."

Cao Cao's eye started twitching. "…What about Xu Zhu?"

The scout wheeled in a giant steaming meat bun into the room. "All that's left of him, sir."

"Goddammit! What about Zhang He?"

"A beautiful mess on the battlefield, sir."

"Dian Wei?"

The scout pulled out a bottle of Mr. Clean, with Dian Wei's horrified look on the front of the bottle.

"What about Zhen Ji?"

"Got her flute shoved down her windpipe."

"My strategist, Sima Yi?"

"He's now Zhuge Liang's bitch, sir"

"Xiahou Yuan?"

"Was Musou'd clear through a stone mountain, sir."

"My son Cao Pi?"

"Decked by Zuo Ci's mystic cards, sir."

"Cao Ren?"

"Killed by Huang Zhong's arrows during a ride-by shooting, sir."

"Pang De?"

"Destroyed, sir."

"Xu Huang?"

"Obliterated, sir."

"Zhang Liao?"

The scout handed Cao Cao Zhang Liao's hat, which was full of his ashes.

"Gwaaaaaaa!"

Cao quickly stood up approached the scout, snatching the report from him and tearing into process.

"It'll be a matter of time before I'm next! I've got to get out of here, now!"

"But sir, every force is on their way to the castle as we speak."

"Then ready my secret BFG weapon and fire it at them immediately!" Cao Cao commanded in a panicky voice.

"No can do, sir. They already got a hold of it, and are planning to use it to break into your castle."

Just then, a loud explosion is heard down the hallway.

"They've breached the castle! Hurry, you must protect me as I make my escape!"

"Negative, sir. It seems that someone has stabbed me in my chest with a spear," the scout replied, as the spear's owner tossed him aside like a rag-doll. It was Lu Bu.

Cao Cao gulped as Lu Bu and every other Officer in China surrounded him within seconds. Cao Cao turned around and tried to escape, but was quickly caught by the collar by Lu Bu's spear. He dragged Cao Cao closer to him.

"Whoa, where do you think you're going?"

"If you are going to kill me, do it quickly and get it over with!" Cao Cao said, clenching his eyes, waiting for the deathblow.

"Kill you?" Lu Bu questioned. He and everyone in the room began to laugh. "Why, we aren't here to kill you. We're here just to give you your wallet back! It's a shame we had to barrel through your forces to get this to you. Hope we didn't cause too much harm. Well, see you later," Lu Bu said, tossing a leather wallet onto Cao Cao's hands. Lu Bu then let him down as he and everyone else then exited his castle.

Cao Cao had a blank look on his face as he stood there wondering what the hell just happened.

Then it hit him….

…he didn't own a wallet. He checked inside the wallet and pulled out an I.D. card.

It read: Nobunaga Oda

Cao Cao felt an icy chill about him as he felt the presence of another group of people behind him. He turned around….

…and was face to face with the heroes and villains of Japan: The Samurai Warriors.

The End!

And that's that! Don't forget to review!

Check out the sequel: Cao Cao's Battle Report 2: Battlefield Folly, now up!