I guess this is a fanfic for a fanfic…that’s weird but whatever. This is just Hiei’s thoughts after the first chapter of REMEMBERING LOVE by shiorifoxiesmom. I don’t own Yu Yu Hakusho or the Evanescence song “Missing” and the idea for all this is inspired by shiorifoxiesmom’s story.

/song lyrics/

Hiei’s POV

I remained in the park long after the detective’s departure. It was raining, but I hardly noticed. I sat in the branches of my former favorite tree, staring at the dark sky above me. How had this happened? How could I have let this happen? If I had known…but what good does it do to dwell on ‘what if’s? That won’t help now. That won’t help Kurama now.

/Please, please forgive me,

But I won’t be home again/

I should never have left him. I should have stayed. I remember so clearly the look on his face when I told him I was leaving, the pain there and the subsequent pain in my heart. I remember there was anger there between us as well, a feeling of betrayal; the very feeling I had isolated myself to try and avoid. Yusuke’s words ring in my ears and I realize that I never thought he had felt the same way. I wish I had understood that sooner… Forgive me Kurama.

/Maybe someday you’ll have woke up,

And, barely conscious, you’ll say to no one:

“Isn’t something missing?”/

Pain spreads through my chest as I remember the look of complete confusion on my fox’s face when we met earlier. He really has no memory of me at all. But even so, I catch myself wondering if that’s really true. The trouble with erasing memories is that it is an imperfect science. It is impossible to completely destroy a memory, it can only be suppressed. Sometimes they surface as dreams, reawakening for a moment only to fade again when the person comes to full consciousness. I wonder, does Kurama ever dream of the things he forgot? Does he dream…of me? Does he ever realize, in that area of his mind between being asleep and being awake, that something is missing from his life?

/You won’t cry for my absence, I know-

You forgot me long ago/

I suddenly feel lost as I realize that Kurama doesn’t miss me. How could he, he doesn’t remember me. In his world, I don’t exist. No, that’s not true. I do exist, but only as a stranger who confused him once. Everything we had, everything we shared, is gone. Yes, there was bitterness and pain there, but there was also love and happiness. I don’t want to lose that. I never want to lose that. Has it already been lost?

/Am I that unimportant…?

Am I so insignificant…?

Isn’t something missing?

Isn’t someone missing me/

I feel like all meaning has been sucked out of my life. This isn’t the first time I have felt this way, but it is more intense than it has ever been before. I did this to myself. I stayed away and made the memory of my presence painful for him. I made myself unimportant…until he decided it was better to throw me away like everyone else. Yusuke’s words echo in my head again and I’m forced to retract that last thought.

/Even though I’m the sacrifice,

You won’t try for me, not now/

“He gave us two alternatives. Erase any memory he had of being a demon, including all of us…or help him die.”

I wasn’t unimportant. I was too important. He couldn’t hold on to me any long…I was no longer an attainable option. If not for this forgetfulness, he would have died. He did give me up, yes, but not for the same reasons as the others. It wasn’t that he didn’t care. He did, but it hurt him. It hurt me too, to love him and hate him so much at the same time. I thought time would change that, make it easier…I was wrong.

/Though I’d die to know you love me,

I’m all alone.

Isn’t someone missing me/

I’ve been alone before, most of my life in fact. I’ve never had a problem with it before. This is different. This hurts more than any physical wound. I want to be touched. I want him to touch me. I crave the feeling of his fingers running through my hair. I want to feel the soft warmth of his lips against mine. I want these things desperately, and I know I can’t have them.

/Please, please forgive me,

But I won’t be home again.

I know what you do to yourself/

I remember the scars on his wrist. He tried to kill himself. Kurama, who would never have allowed anyone else to stoop so low; I drove him to that. I destroyed him. I never meant to, damn it! He made his choice, he wanted to stay here. It hurt so much to leave him behind, but I did it because I thought it was what he wanted. Why does he have to be so complicate? …Please forgive me Kurama.

/I breathe deep and cry out:

“Isn’t something missing?

Isn’t someone missing me?”/

My fists clench at the utter helplessness I feel towards the situation. I wish with all my heart that he would remember me. Even if it’s only bad things…even if he doesn’t love me anymore…if he would just remember me… Even if he hated me…I could live with that. Hatred isn’t the opposite of love, indifference is. That’s what this is, it is indifference and it makes me want to rip my own heart out to stop the pain. To hate someone you have to love them on some level…Yes, I would happily settle for hatred.

/Even though I’m the sacrifice,

You won’t try for me, not now.

Though I’d die to know you love me,

I’m all alone.

Isn’t someone missing me/

I want to scream. I want to hit something, anything to make the pain go away. Is this what you felt Kurama? Is this what I made you feel, what made you want to forget me so desperately? But I don’t want to forget you. No matter how badly this hurts, I never want to forget you. You showed me kindness and warmth, things no one has ever done for me. If it was raining, you gave me a dry place to stay. If I was lonely, even if I wouldn’t admit you, you gave me your company and your understanding. You gave me everything you could, everything in your power to give. You gave yourself to me. And now you’ve taken it away.

/And if I bleed, I’ll bleed,

Knowing you don’t care/

I remember how I used to come to your window when I was hurt. You would always make such a fuss over me. No matter how superficial the wound, you always treated it as though I would surely die without your care. That might not be entirely untrue… You worried about me. That too was something only you have ever done. The pain in my chest is getting worse. I wish you could relieve it as you always used to do with any pain of mine. But you won’t, not any more. My pain doesn’t concern you anymore.

/And if I sleep just to dream of you

And wake without you there,

Isn’t something missing?

Isn’t something…/

I remember the warmth of your bed, wrapped in your arms. I always woke before you. I remember watching you as you slept. Your angelic face glowing in the golden light from the morning sunlight. Then I would kiss you gently and watch those beautiful emerald eyes flutter opened. There are no moments more precious to me than those. I was happy then, happy and content in a way that I had never known was possible. I would do anything for that to be true again, to experience that moment just one more time.

/Even though I’m the sacrifice,

You won’t try for me, not now.

Though I’d die to know you love me,

I’m all alone/

I wish I knew how to fix this. I wish I knew what had happened to those messages Yusuke said he sent. If I had known how badly Kurama needed me…If I had known Shiori was dead…Is it too late now? Is this just…how it ends between us, once and for all? No! I cannot allow that! I can’t…I can’t let this be the end. If we’re through, then we’re through, but not like this. It hurts too much like this.

/Isn’t something missing?

Isn’t someone missing me/