Philip Elwood is an original character that I created. He can be found in my and Aquarian Wolf's Haunted Mansion story "Undying Love" also under this section.

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Down at the Gracey Funeral Parlor the next day, the morning had been going along as it regularly went. Ezra Dobbins, the bookkeeper for the parlor, had his usual fourteen cups of coffee after opening the place up for the day. Ezra was a very emaciated, skeletal looking ghost, who always had an unnerving grin on his face. He was a hopeless caffeine addict who couldn't function without his fourteen cups of coffee, and for the rest of the day was hyped up and spoke at lightning-fast speed. Besides his steady bookkeeping job, Ezra also gained some money on the side as a bookie; taking and placing bets for the daily horse races.

At precisely 15 minutes after Ezra opened the parlor, George's secretary Miss April would come in for the day. Miss April was a beautiful young woman in the pink ball gown she wore on the day she died, and always fixed her raven black hair into a bun. Although, Miss April had another side to herself: Old December. Whenever she was annoyed or angered, her beauty would fade away and she would morph into the ugly, white-haired old hag. She frequently changed to the old woman in the mornings, mostly because whenever she came in for the day the hyper Ezra would always try to ask the woman out for a date.

"Oh, come on April! Why won't you go out for a date with me, huh?" Ezra begged her, talking a mile a minute. "Is it because I look thinner than a stick? Is it because I died after I got whacked by that mafia guy and I can now remove some of my limbs? What is it?"

Ezra's only response was a swift slap on his ghostly cheek. The December side now took its appearance. She sighed before she spoke up in her chipmunk-like Brooklyn accent. "How many twimes do I have to tell youse, I don't go out with sleazes!"

"A sleaze? You think I'm a sleaze?"

"Yes, what wit' your wittle bookie joint you have running dere!"

The two's bickering finally ceased for a few minutes when a ghostly young man stepped through the door. Outfitted in a fine Victorian servant costume, the young ghost had short brown hair and bright hazel eyes. The gentleman nodded to them as he hung up his coat. "Morning you, two."

"Morning, Philip," Ezra and April greeted in unison.

Philip Elwood was the funeral parlor's liveryman and hearse driver. The young gentleman had originally been a stable attendant for a wealthy household in New England in the 1800s, but died in his early 20s when a carriage plowed over him. Gracey had recently hired the young man to take care of the hearse's horse, as well as driving the carriage itself.

"So, have I missed this morning's floor show yet?" Philip grinned.

"Whatta ya mean, fwoor show?"April asked, reverting back to her original lovely state.

"You know what I mean," Philip grinned. "That great play where the young con man tries to win the heart of the fair girl from Brooklyn." He paused in mock thought, "What was it called again...oh yes, Sleazeo and Bimbet."

"Why does everyone around here think I'm a sleaze?" Ezra shouted in exasperation. "So I make a few bets on da horses, what's wrong with that? It's just a little side job to provide me with some extra bread."

"I don't know how you can be so successful at that, when you can't even handle the parlor's books!" April interjected.

"I can too!" Ezra demanded.

Philip took a seat as he watched the proceedings with a grin on his face.

"Then why is this pwace on the verge of bankwuptcy?" April demanded.

"It's um...because George doesn't put enough advertisement out there."

April let out a chuckle. "Doesn't put out enough advertwisement? Why Gweorge has television spots playing all over da Ghost Broadcasting Network. Although, I admit those commercials aren't very good. I know we were on a low budget, but he could have least found a better poisen to act in them than youse and Phiwip.

"Hey, I thought we did a pretty good job in those ads!" Philip retorted.

"Oh pwease, it's painfuwy obvious that youse two was weading off cue cards. You kept squinting at da camera, trying to wead dem."

"Oh, like you know a lot about acting," Ezra rolled his eyes.

"I do too! You forget, I was a pwetty big name on da stage back in New York," April continued to argue.

"First off, it wasn't the New York stage, it was in Brooklyn," Ezra began to argue.

"That's still in New York!"

"Yeah, but it ain't necessarily the most glamourous spot in the city for theater," Ezra quipped. "Besides, you were only in one play, and that was because both the star and the understudy got sick and they needed someone else."

"I don't have twime for dis. I have to make a phone call," April replied annoyed.

"Who are you calling now?"

"Mewina." Merina was April's best friend and next door neighbor who had come from Greece. Merina was a strikingly lovely woman; the only thing that was off about her was that her bright red hair had numerous snakes in it. She had been born half-human, half-gorgon back in ancient times.

"You know George doesn't like you using the parlor phone for personal calls," Philip argued.

April just waved her hand at the liveryman and dialed. She spoke up brightly in her thick Brooklyn accent. "Hi, Mewina! What's up, girl?"

"Nothing much," Merina replied over the phone. "Just came back from the hair dresser's a little while ago. My stylist had to wrap her hand in bandages again to keep from getting bitten."

April let out a girlish little giggle. "Women," Ezra remarked as he rolled his eyes, and went back to his desk to work on the books, as Philip headed out back to pull the hearse out of the garage.

"So have you heard about, Bwunhilde?" April continued her conversation.

"Who is she?" Merina asked.

"You know, that fat opera broad that lives across the hall from me."

"Oh, that's right."

"Anyway, I heawd she spent most of her money on some dye for her hair!"

"She dyes her hair?"

"Of course! You don't think those bwaids are naturallyy bwonde do you? And she spent the rest of her dough on a new dress."

"How does it look?"

"Makes her look fatter than she already is."

Merina gave a laugh over the phone, as April peered out the window and saw Gracey coming down the street. "Oops, I gotta go," April told Merina. "The man is coming into work now." She quickly hung up the phone, and took some papers out of her desk and pretended to be hard at work reviewing them.

George stepped into the parlor with a weary look on his face. "Good morning, everyone."

"Mwoning, Mistah G!" April tried her best to be as chipper as possible. Pulling out a stack of papers from her desk, she handed them toward Gracey. "Here are all of your messages I twook today."

George read the list aloud, as he raised an eyebrow. "Call Merinda later to ask her about setting up that date with her handsome cousin. Tonight, call that number I found in the Lonely Ghoul Hearts column at 215..."

"Oh, those are my personal papers!" April sheepishly blushed, as she quickly grabbed the stack out of Gracey's hand and gave him the correct messages.

At the other desk, Ezra erupted into fits of laughter. "You won't go out with me, yet you're so desperate to look in a Lonely Ghoul Hearts column? For all you know, you could be set up with some weird pervert or momma's boy."

"I don't know, Ezra. That sounds like some real tough competition for you!" Philip laughed from the garage outside.

The skinny accountant grumbled, as a smirk spread across George's face. No matter how dreary his morning was going, he could always count on the antics of his employees to cheer him up.

Heading into his office, George sat down at his desk as he looked over the calls that he had missed this morning. Laying the papers to the side, the aristocrat reached into a filing cabinet and examined the financial report that was typed earlier this morning. He glanced over the figures carefully with a frown on his face.

"Ezra!" George flung the door open and called to the accountant at his desk. "I want to see you in here for a moment!"

The skinny bookkeeper shifted his eyes nervously and took a long gulp. April grinned as she looked at Ezra and tried to stifle her giggles.

"Wooks wike you're in in twouble wit' da man now," she sniggered.

Ezra shot her a glare before stepping into George's office. The skeletal spook was shaking like a leaf, but the fact that he had his usual fourteen cups of coffee concealed it. He took a seat in the armchair in front of George's desk, causing it jitter along with him.

Gracey looked down at the papers with a disapproving glance, before he looked straight ahead at Ezra. "I was just looking over the books this morning Ezra, and I just realized something..."

The accountant shook heavily in his seat.

"...there's no money at all in our account!" Gracey proclaimed.

"I'm sorry, boss!" Ezra erupted in fear, talking at a lightning fast speed. "I didn't mean to, but you see I needed more money to pay off my losing bets that I booked with everyone else. So I decided it wouldn't hurt to just take a few bucks outta the parlor's finances. And then when I won some money I would put it back into the parlor's account. I kept going on and on, back and forth, and I guess I...um, lost the ball somewhere along the way." Ezra grinned even wider than normal, hoping to try and give an innocent, pitiful smile.

George let out a long sigh, and rubbed his temples. He knew any other employer would have fired someone like Ezra at this point, but Gracey revered him too much as a friend.

"I'm not sure what we're supposed to do now at this point," George sighed. "We have to find some way to bring in extra revenue for the parlor, but how?"

"I can take care of it boss!" Ezra chimed. His face was practically beaming, making him even more scary beyond all reason. "Just leave everything to me."

Gracey's eyes grew wide in fear. "No, no! It's all right! I can handle..."

"Don't worry about a thing boss," the caffeinated spook replied. "I can take care of everything. I know every trick in the book to get this place humming in business again."

Ezra quickly ran out of the room and back to his desk. Philip and April both eyed him suspiciously as he began to dial somebody on his telephone.

"How did it go?" Philip asked.

"Didja get sacked?" April cheerfully inquired. The joy of Ezra possibly getting fired couldn't be contained on her face.

"Nope," Ezra grinned. "In fact the boss left everything for me to fix."

"YOU?" both Philip and April exclaimed in shock.

"Yep!" Ezra sniffed proudly. He continued to dial some numbers from a black book he kept on his desk. "Now if you two will excuse me, I've got some important calls to make that will put us back in business."

Meanwhile, back in his office, George groaned and continually pounded his head upon the desk. "I'm doomed."