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Books » Harry Potter » Harry Potter and the Urges of Firey Goblets
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Author of 28 Stories |
Disclamer: I don't own Harry Potter or this story(I found this on the internet)
Frank Bryce: sees light in Riddle House Damn children…
Kettle: fwooshdoom!
Frank: Huh?
Kettle: FWOOSH!
Frank: Oh, okay. Damn kids. walks up to Riddle House and sees big, scary clearly-not-from-fire blue light upstairs
Nagini: Sssth, hashaasheeheth, cha cha cha cha cha.
Voldemort: Hasha, cha cha cha cha cha? Wormtail, kill the house attendant outside the door.
Wormtail: Grr, gaze into my evil MOLE of DOOM! MOLE! Cha cha!
Frank: AHH, IT BURNSSS!
Voldemort: Agh, you idiot! turns towards Frank ABRAKADAMMIT! green flash
Frank dies
Hermione: Harry, you were just having a bad dream.
Harry: … What the hell, how long have you been sitting on my bed?
Hermione: Only a few hours.. Say, Harry, do you ever get urges?
Harry: Dude, do you have any idea how many people ask me that in a day?
Hermione: Ron, wake up!
Ron: mumbling but I don't see why we should split the bill evenly, I just got soup.
Hermione: WAKE UP!
Ron: Rah, cha cha. Where are we going?
Mr. Weasley: To and old smelly boot, of course. We must ride it to the World Cup.
Harry: won't that smell aweful?
Ginny: Dumbass
Fred: Idiot, gosh.
George: Harry, do you get urges?
Harry: ...
Mr. Weasley: Look, there's Amos Diggory, and his son, Cedric.
Amos: I invented pants. And cookies, Amos Cookies.
Cedric: No you didn't…
Amos: I also invented the internet. And pants.
Mr. Weasley: What the hell is a cookie?
Hermione: Look, an old dilapidated boot! Let's go feel it, rub it, squeeze it, and call it George.
Ron: LET'S DO IT!
Harry: Yeah!
Ginny: Yeah!
Fred and George: Yeah!
Amos and Arthur: Yeah!
Cedric: … my grand slam was supposed to come with sausage.
all grab boot
Boot: You may not think I'm pretty, but don't judge on what you see…
Harry: man, wrong prop.
Boot: Oh… the sorting hat is my brother, you know.
Arthur: Don't care, fling us up into the air, grab our bowels, and shoot us off to the middle of a wizard-infested camp ground!
Boot: Harry, do you get urges?
Harry: no…
Boot: oh, dammit. flies into the air with the group handing on to it. Do you have any idea how uncomfortable this is for me?
all people fall off
Harry: OMG, WE'RE ALL GONNA DIEEEE!Hermione: Harry, about those urges…
Ron: FORGET THE DAMN URGES, I AM GONNA DIE A VIRGIN!
all fall on ground
Harry: Ron, what are you talking about? Remember that one fan fiction on the same sex pairings section of MNFF we were in? Eh, eh, remember? You got pregnant, eh, eh?
Hermione: Dudes, look at all the groovy people with the tents and the colors and the stuff!
Arthur: let's go to the tent, shall we?
In the middle of the camp grounds is the most pathetic tent you've ever seen. It is five feet square.
Harry: how the bloody duck are we fitting in there?
Arthur: winks at Harry We'll manage.
all pile into tent, save for Harry. After everyone gets in Harry goes through the curtain and sees that the tent is indeed five feet square with six full-grown wizards back-to-back.
Harry: Yeah, I think I'll sleep outside. Gah, use magic, bitches.
Arthur: STFU, Harry. Anyway, not a moment to waste, we need to get to the Quidditch Game! It's only a minute long, you know.
Harry: Ahh, dammit. Come on, it would only take five minutes to do.
Arthur: Now, Harry, I don't make the rules. You can blame that on Mike Newell.
Harry: What a slut!
Krum: waves Haha, and world peace!
match ends, screaming in the distance
Ron: Heh, sounds like another Irish woman is giving birth.
Arthur: Wait, that isn't an Irish woman… it is the distinct sound of EVIL!
Ron: isn't that what I said?
Arthur: everyone, get out of the tent before it explodes!
Harry: OMG, ANARCHY! DUDE, someone trampled me and I have passed out. Soooo not cool.
Harry: Wicked…
Ron: Harry!
Hermione: Harry!
Ron: Harry, don't die! You never answered the question about your urges!
Harry: I'm fine, luckily this dead, homeless muggle broke my fall.
Hermione: That's fortunate.
from all directions RED WOOSH, BLUE WOOSH, OMG WOOSH!
Arthur: Don't kill the red-headed one, he's my son! Take the scarred one and the one with the hair-that-should-totally-be-frizzy-but-isn't!
Barty Crouch: Which one of you conjured it? Eh, EH? You, boy, with the urges!
Harry: Dammit, I thought I was concealing them pretty well.
Arthur: Barty, think logically… Harry couldn't have done it, he's Harry Potter! It would be like Hitler wearing a peace sign across his chest. It must've been Hermione.
MoM Wizard: SHE'S A WITCH! WITCH, WITCH, BURN HER!
Hermione: Technically, you're a witch too…
MoM Wizard: No… NO, SHE LIES! I am a good conservative catholic! Really, I am!
Barty: Oh.. burn him…
Harry: Dude, it totally wasn't Hermione. It was some guy. And what is this conjured thing you speak of
Hermione: Harry? Harry? See the big skull in the sky with the snake slithering out of it? Yeah, that's the dark mark.
Harry: Do you mean to say, that that mark, the one conjured by the random creepy guy, is up in the sky with a snake slithering out of its mouth?
Hermione: …
Harry: Which must mean… TO THE BATMOBILE!
Ron: No, it's You-Know-Who's SIGN.
Harry: I know! It's Voldemort's SIGN!
Ron: NO… WAY…
MadamLadyOFood: Anything off the trolly?
Ron: Yeah, I'll have two dozen chocolate frogs, four pumpkin pasties sniggers, haha, pasties, eight cauldron cakes, three vats of pumpkin juice, and a cockroach cluster. digs into pockets… Oh, I guess I'll just have a pumpkin pasty HAHAHAHA, PASTY!
Harry: I'll have what he said, but I'll actually have it, and I'll have double.
MadamLadyOFood: Alright, that will be 11932 galleons, please.
Harry: WTF?
MadamLadyOFood: Hey, the cost of gas for this train is expensive!
Cho: I'll have a pumpkin pasty.
Harry: sniggers Pasty… Whoa, you're eyes are so pretty.
Cho: Harry, your epidermis is showing!
Harry: OMG, WHERE! Oh.. bitch.
Harry: Look, a flying carriage!
Hermione: Look, a ship in the lake… Coming from UNDER the water.. NO… WAY…
Ron: I got a rock.
Dumbledore: So, yeah foo's, I was all “GET OUTTA MY GRILL FOO, and he was all “gimme a sumtin sumtin”. And now it is my pleasure to introduce the lovely ladies of Box-Buttons!
fluttery sounds, dancing, combined erection of all males in Hogwarts
Hermione: looks at Ron's pants That is SO disgusting!
Ron: Ya think so? I'll show you mine if you show me yours, Harry.
Harry: I don't have a dark mark, Ron.
Ron: I know.
Dumbledore: And now the proud sons of Durm-strangle.
Girls in great hall: is it just me or is every one of the Durmstrangle people REALLY ugly?
Hermione: Krum is such a whore. Look at him and his chisled abs, his sculpted chin, and that tight ass.
Dumbledore: So, foos, Barty was all, “You shall be playing host to the Tri-Wizard Tournament this year”, so I was all, “Yeah, let's DO IT!”
Krum enters into competition
Fleur enters
Cedric enters
Harry doesn't..
Dumbledore: And from Boxbuttons.. Fleur Delacore!
And from Durmstrangle: Viktor Krum (dude, did anyone else realize that nobody else from Durmstrangle entered?
And from Hogwarts… CEDRIC DIGGORY!
Cedric: NO… WAY… Harry, do you get urges?
Dumbledore: and that concludes the… OMG, THE GOBLET IS ON FIRE!
catches random name
HARRY POTTER!
Harry: if they can't see you, you're invisible, like a duck, or a penguin, or a frog, or a
Dumbledore: HARRY POTTER, GET YO NARRAW ASS UP HERE!
Harry: … shit
Students: cheater, traitor, liar, slut, bitch, WHORE!
Harry goes into inauspicious room of doom
Dumbledore: Harry, how did you do it! Did you put your name in the cup!
Harry: Uh.. no.
Madam Maxime: Of course he did, the dirty little wanker.
Harry: Dude… you are so… robust.
Maxime: Harry, do you get urges?
Harry: Yeah…
Ron: I hate you! I hate you and you should die! DIE!
Harry: …
Harry: can you tell me again why we're in a broom closet?
Rita: So, it's tough knowing that your imminent doom approaches with the first task of this tournament?
Harry: when did I say anything about –
Rita: well, that concludes this photo shoot
Harry: are you even listening to me
Rita: How precious, he craves attention.
Harry: looks at quick quotes quill I do not look up to you with great admiration and suffer from urges!
Madeye: Haha, teehee, there are three kinds of unforgivable curses. What are they? Miss Granger.
Hermione: Imperius, Death Curse, and Crucio.
Madeye: Yes, and why are they called that, Neville?
Neville: Uh… because they're unforgivable?
Madeye: Exactly, ten points to Gryffindor! Now, let's manipulate and cause emotional trauma to some cave spiders, shall we?
Neville: AHH, NO, OH ME GA… Momma? Papa?
Fans: that is in such bad taste…
Greg: Yeah, well… SHUT UP!
Harry:… Well, tell Ron..
Hermione: BITCH, I'M NOT YOUR MIDDLE BITCH!
Harry: turns to Neville who is knee-deep in poop Women. Can't live with ‘em, can't turn them into flaming piles of
Neville: gillyweed?
Harry: Uh… I was gonna say shit, but okay.
Hagrid: Yeah, follow me. And put on the invisibility cloak.
Harry: Hagrid… you smell like dead fish and your hair looks aweful… Are you going on a date?
Hagrid: STFU, look, dragons.
Harry: The first task is DRAGONS!
Hagrid: Yep.. Look, they like eachother!
dragons try to scorch eachother
Harry: How… cute?
Hagrid: Ahh, they're hugging!
Cedric: That totally sucks.
Harry: Yes
Cedric: Indeed.
Harry: Shallow.
Cedric: and pedantic.
Harry: Yes
Harry: Mr. Moody, that is NOT the way you talk to students.
Madeye: I'm talking about your broom.
Harry: GROSS!
Madeye: BROOMSTICK!
Harry: EWW, OLD MAN GAY!
Madeye: Quidditch
Harry: QUEERDITCH, DID I HEAR?
Madeye: Harry, just summon the broom to get away from the dragon.
Harry: Oh, okay.
Harry: Nuh uh, sister, I kill YOU!
Dragon: breaks loose
Harry: summons broom
Dragon and Harry: fly around castle
Harry: falls
Dragon: WHOOSH
Tea Kettle: WHOOSH
Dragon: Harry, do you get urges?
Harry: NO maneuvers and dragon dies
Yay!
Harry: gets golden egg
Common room: YEAH! DO IT!
Harry: opens egg
Cyndi Lauper: Maybe he'll know I'm not so sure maybe he'll know, well maybe he'll be my cure
Collected voice of common room: CLOSE IT!
Ron: what the bloody sex was that?
Harry: what, you talking to me now?
Ron: apparently
Harry: cool
Random kid: Mr. Weasley, you have a package.
Ron: Oh, thank you, Nebakenezer. Wait, why didn't an owl deliver this.
Nebakenezer: I'm a producer's son.
Ron: ahh… opens box OMG, MY DRESS ROBES CAME IN!
Nebakenezer: oggles
Ron: Away with you, ya grubby little wanker.
Harry: OOH, lemme see.
Ron: pulls out frilly pink dress robes
Harry: Man, they accent your manly eyes.
Hermione: Yeah, they go especially well with your Aunt Mildred.
Ginny: Burn!
Ron: Yeah, well… You're ugly!
Hermione: Hah, you won't be thinking that when you see my cleavage later on in the movie.
Ron: Huh?
Hermione: Oh, nothing…
Ron: WHERE!
McGonagall: JUST DO IT!
Ron: places hand reluctantly
McGonagall: Yeah, that's the stuff.
Harry: No kidding.
Ron: Hey, Hermione, you have breasts..
Hermione: NO… WAY…
Ron: Wongobawime? I mean, if I show up alone, who cares.. but if you do? You'll look like suck an unwanted whore.
Hermione: No, I am already going, thank you very much! storms off
Ron: …Bitch…
Cho: Hello, Harry
Harry: Well, umm.. I know this isn't the best place to talk, seeing that it's covered in 9593 years worth of bird feces, but… I was wondering if you wongobawime?
Cho: Oh, I'm sorry, Harry, I'm already wongobawimating with someone else.
Harry: Oh… who?
Cho: Your mother!
Harry: …
Cho: Say, Harry, do you get urges?
Harry: Not anymore, bitch.
Harry: Yeah, same here. Every time I ask a girl out to the ball she asks if I get urges…
Ron: Harry, do you get-
Harry: Stop… now.
Parvati and Padma: ‘ello, Harry.
Harry: Hi thought pops up what a sweet ass.
Parvati: Ooh,
Padma: thanks!
Harry: Wongobawime and Ron?
Padma: That sounds-
Parvati: Dashing!
both walk away
Ron: Damn, they're creepy.
Harry: Well, do you want to get laid or not? They are practically the biggest sluts in Hogwarts.
Ron: Good point.
Ron: What the hell, you just said that out loud. It's supposed to be in asterisks.
Harry: Oh yeah
Ron: What, are you dyslexic or something?
McGonagall: Harry, you have to dance first with your partner.
Harry: Uh…
McGonagall: Didn't I tell you that?
Harry: No…
McGonagall: Oh.. well.. TOUGH SHIT!
Parvati: It's okay, Harry, you can do it!
Hermione walks down steps
Padma: I am so hot for Hermione right now.
Ron: Me too
Padma: TOTALLY!
Hermione: It's Her-My-Oh-Knee. Hermione.
Krum: Come, Turbohiney, we dance.
four champions and their partners get on the dance floor
Parvati: Harry, grab my ass!
Harry: Oh yeah.
music starts playing
Parvati: Harry, you broke my toe!
Harry: Oh, sorry, I was too busy staring at Hermione's boobs.
hard rock starts playing
Band guy: If I dance tonight, take my hippogriffin tonight. Oh yeah, tonight.
Hogwarts girls: YEAH, OMG, YEAH, I WANT MY SPRINGER BEADS!
Dance ends
Harry: No…
Durmstrangle guy: May I take your hand?
Padma: Take my leg, head, elbow… ANYTHING.
Durmstrangle guy: pulls out large knife
Padma: I thought you wanted to dance!
Durmstrangle guy: No, I'm just hungry.
Harry: …
Hermione: I am so gonna kill you.
Ron: AHH, DON'T KILL ME!
Hermione: DIE!
Ron: YOUR BOOBS ARE NICE!
Hermione: Oh, okay then.
Fans: Is this turning into a porno?
Hermione: Harry, the task is in two days and you haven't even tried to work out the egg's clue!
Harry: I forgot…
Hermione: Holy shit, you're gonna die… YOU'RE GONNA DIE!
Harry: Thanks, I can always count on you to make me feel better.
Harry: Are you implying that I smell bad!
Cedric: Well, no, but now that you mention it… you haven't washed yourself in the books… ever…
Harry: Good point.
Cedric: Seventh floor, Prefect's bathroom, tickle the pear.
Harry: Got it.
Cedric: ...and take your egg.
Harry: …
Cedric: Just do it.
Pear: Teehee, you tickled me.
Door: opens creakyeakycreaky
Bath: gurgles
Myrtle: Myrtles
Harry: uh... hurtles?
Mermaid: Mermaidles
Harry: turns on bubbles Hey, Myrtle, go away.. you are so creepy.
Myrtle: Stick your egg under the water.
Harry: I um.. plan to.
Myrtle: No, the gold one
Harry: I think I said that winks
Myrtle: the dragon egg!
Harry: I don't mean to boast, but, hehehe.
Myrtle: Dude, the one that you stole from the dragon in the tournament.
Harry: Yeah, that's the one I was talking about…
Myrtle: Oh, I thought you were releasing your pent-up sexual desires on me.
Harry: opens egg above water
Cyndi Lauper: When the working day is done girls - they want to have fun oh girls just want to have fun
Myrtle: AHH, KILL ME AGAIN! Put it under the water!
Harry: puts egg under water
Egg: Oh, you may not think I'm pretty…
Harry: Agh, this happens too much with the talking props.
Egg: oh, right… Seek us where are voices do not suck, where we cannot drive a truck. We've taken something that you love, and I don't think that it's a glove.
Harry: … shit.
Harry: Erm… no?
Ron: Maybe you could get a REALLY big straw..
Madeye: Ron, Hermione… go jump in the lake.
Hermione: But Harry…
Madeye: You leave Harry to me!
Ron: whispers to Harry If he hits on you, kick him in the nuts!
Ron and Hermione Leave
Neville enters
Madeye leaves
Harry: Wtf… Neville, do you know how to make me breath under water for two hours?
Neville: Just eat some okra.
Harry: That seems a bit too easy.
Neville: Well, you'll have to eat a LOT of okra…
Harry: shoves okra down his throat
People: laugh
Harry: dives into water
Crowd: Haha! He's gonna die!
Harry: OH ME GEE, NO BREATHE.. Oh wait, I have fins, gills, and a.. TAIL.. Wait, I had that before… I can stay under here forever!
Neville: Oh my God.. I've murdered Harry Potter by accident.
Harry: flips out of water into air I'm the king of the world! And I don't even need a hippogriff this time! dives into water
Weeds: Haha, I tangle in you.
Water: Haha, I go in through your neck flaps
Mer-People: We are so incredibly ugly :(
Harry: sees four people totally made out of wax attached to poles in the water. Okay, why is Ron the thing I treasure most?
Merman: I dunno…
Cedric: I have a big head.. BIG HEAD!
Fleur: My bubble popped.. SHIT!
Krum: I am going to EAT YOU! Haha, just kidding, I cut rope with head and take Turboninja.
Harry: I want Ron and random blond Veela.
Merman: NO
Harry: I kill thee!
takes Ron and Veela up to surface
Harry: Effing sweet.
Hermione: Harry, I'm scared for you… the third task is in an hour!
Harry: what is with you and always pointing out the obvious?
Hermione: hugs Harry
Rita Skeeter: aww, young love.
Fans: Uh.. wasn't this supposed to happen two tasks ago.
Greg: … no…
Madeye whispers something to Dumbledore
Dumbledore: Oh, carnivorous bushes, right… Well, Harry and Cedric go first because they are from Hogwarts, and I am just good like that. Second goes Viktor Krum, and third goes Fleur Delacore, because she SUCKS!
bushes start whispering obscenities
Madeye: You get em, Tiger.
Harry: Yeah… walks into maze to instantly be confronted by a mysteriously closing bush … shit. starts running
Bushes: Come to us Harry, we love you, we want to help you, we want to KILL you.
Harry: I swear something just like this happened to me in my second year…
Bushes: WHOOSH!
Harry: OMG, BALLISTIC BUSHES!
Bushes: I EAT YOU!
Harry: Nuh uh, bitch, I eat you! grabs out fork and salad dressing I MAKE SALAD OF YOU!
Bushes: …Shit…
Other thing, not bushes: Come to me Harry, I will help you get the cup.
Harry: No, I will make salad of you too!
Other thing: I am made of mist, not vegetables.
Harry: Garden-fresh spritz!
Fleur: AHH, RAH RAH SNABBLE AHHH! high pitched scream
Harry: Oh no, Fleur screaming… I'll save you!
Krum: My eyes are glazed over, I am clearly possessed. I SHALL EAT YOU!
Harry: Oh no! Krum all ballistic, cannibalistic, crazyazy!
Cedric: confundalates Krum Oh, the dramarama.
Harry: Crazyazy
Cedric: Snabbleabble.
Harry: Okay, enough of that.
Cedric: Right.
in the distance: the cup, omg the cup
Harry: I fight you to it!
Cedric: GRR! elbows Harry in left eyeball
Vines: Haha, not if I trip you. grabs Cedric
Cedric: Harry, I know I was just trying to kill you, but SAVE ME!
Harry: Hmm… I dunno…
Vines: You don't want to save him, I want to eat him.
Harry: No, vines, I eat you like salad! grabs out fork and salad dressing
Vines: …Shit…
Cedric: Dammit, Harry, you eat salad like a mad man!
Harry: Well, how do you think I maintain this figure?
Cedric: Look, the cup!
Harry: We'll take it at the same time.
Cedric: Okay… one – two- THREE both grab cup
Cup: Haha, I'm a portkey… Bet you didn't see that one coming!
Cedric: Wow… this is cool!
Wormtail: ABRAKADAMMIT!
Cedric: dead
Harry: In the words of Darth Vader, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
Wormtail: Bone of father, taken from creepy graveyard, foot of servant taken willingly, blood of enemy taken unwillingly. chops own foot AHH.. AHHH! WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME THIS WOULD HURT SO BAD! AHHH! hobbles over to Harry, not crying anymore because chopped off appendages feel fine three seconds after choppage… everyone knows that
Wormtail: slice
Harry: sliced Ouch man, so not cool.
Voldemort from inside rags: come here and plop me into the cauldron.
Wormtail: plop
Voldemort: grows, deforms, and changes into a dude with no nose OMG, I can do the moonwalk now!
Harry: ahh, scar burns, AHH!
Voldemort: fight me Harry, with all of my magically appearing death eaters around me!
Harry: ANTONIOBANDERAS!
Voldemort: ABRAKADAMMIT!
wands meet, entities fly out of Voldemort's wand
James Potter: Harry, go to the cup
Lily Potter: Yeah, do it
Frank: My grand slam was supposed to come with sausage.. Where the hell is my tea? Am I dead?
Cedric: take my back to my father… he invented pants
Harry: okay discontinues cool spelly thing and runs to cup with the corpse of Cedric with him
Portkey: Haha, poof I go, back to Hogwarts
Voldemort: Harry, do you get urges!
Dumbledore: Oh, superfluous penguins, this can't be good.
Harry: sob I am so effing bad at crying sob HE'S BACK!
Dumbledore: Who's back!
Harry: VOLDEMORT!
Crowd: Oh shit…
Amos Diggory: MY SON! MY SON IS DEAD!
Fans: Is there any way possible to make that funny?
Greg: Nope... Really, I tried and it had more bad taste than this entire parody altogether.
Madeye: Harry, come with me.
Harry: Uh… no?
Madeye: Do it or I'll kill you.
Harry: Oh, okay.
Madeye: What did Voldemort smell like? Did you taste him, what did he taste like? I NEED TO KNOW!
Harry: Uh… like strawberries and garlic chicken… for both of your question.
Madeye's face: Gurgle gurgle
Madeye: Shit…
Dumbledore: breaks into office I so kill you.
Madeye/Barty Jr.: haha, Look, man, I'll show you mine if you show me yours.
Dumbledore: …
Barty Jr.: lifts up sleeve to reveal mark
Dumbledore: Oh, thank God.. Say, Harry… do you get urges?
Harry: …
THE END
