Lose Everything: Silence and Scream
A Genjo Sanzo Fan Fiction

It's because I'm not strong enough… I lost everything. I lost everything I loved… I lost everything in my hands. Now I have nothing but blood.

Head falls.

Why? Why can't I have? Why can't I have the things I want? Is there something I have done to receive this fate?

Eyes closed.

Is there something wrong? Is there something I don't have? I don't understand… Why does it have to be this way…?

Closed fists.

What's wrong with me…? I didn't do anything… Or was that the reason why I am like this, because I haven't done anything. I just watched you there die in the hands of a youkai, but even before that… Why do I deserve to watch you disappear? I can't remember anything… I don't know why I am in that river; I don't know how you found me…

I see teary eyes.

A river drifter I am. I don't know. I didn't know how much trouble I have given to you. I don't even know if you took that strike for your troubles to end, or is it really because I still have to live a life. I don't know. Why does it have to be me? I didn't do anything.

Could it fall?

What is it with me? Why can't I be strong?

Could tears be present in one's cold heart?

I see myself… Surrounded with the people I care for. Why I see these blood-stained hands? Was it me who finished it all? But it can't be…

Maybe so…

I couldn't… I swear I couldn't…

But not in this man…

Have I gone crazy?

…Frowning lips released a smile, a sly smile feared by all…

It can't be…

…now…

…or am I…

SCREAM.

"Aaahh!"

"Sanzo!" they called, "Sanzo, wake up:

Face full of sweat and cold temperature. He struggled from Gojyo's tight touch as he pushed him down on the bed. But he kept on fighting, he punched, he kicked; he screams…

"Aaahh!"

"Where's that damn saru!"

He continued to break free as he dreamed badly. He almost cried in fear, but he didn't, he continued to fight. Almost breaking into tiny pieces, he was doubtful. Such nightmares were upon him, every night it comes… Every night the past haunts.

"Aaahhh!"

"SANZO!" Gojyo calls loudly

Eyelids raced open, he wakes up. He catches his breath as he stared at the real world. Violets shook along with his limbs, his temperature continued to drop. It's very strange. Cold like death.

Silence.

"Sanzo, you alright?"

"Gah!" he sat up and pushed Gojyo away strongly, "…" he stared at him with round eyes, but yet, so full of hatred

Gojyo landed down on the floor seriously shocked, looking at Sanzo, "What the hell is wrong with you!"

"Don't you ever touch me again!" he yelled

"Sanzo!" Goku arrived with Hakkai catching his breath. He walks towards Sanzo full of sweat, "Hey, Sanzo, are you alright?" he raised his hand to check if he's catching a flu or something

He threw it away, "Don't touch me."

Silence once more.

"Sanzo…" brows met

Sanzo looks away, "Ch."

"Gojyo." Hakkai called

"Eh?" he turned to him

Hakkai signals him to leave, so, he did. He closed the door quietly, leaving the two with their selves.

"Sanzo…"

"Shut up."

"But—"

"Leave me alone."

"Sanzo, you haven't eaten anything yet…" he worriedly says, "and you've been having strange n—"

"I didn't need sympathy or something!" he threw the vase of flowers beside him to Goku, "Get out of my sight!" he yelled

"S-sanzo?"

"Didn't you hear what I said! Get lost!" he yelled louder, "Ack!" he held back and covered his ears

"S-sanzo! Are you alright?" he went towards him

"I said get lost!" he pushed him away with an arm

Goku falls down, "Ugh!"

With this sound, Gojyo and Hakkai rushed in, "What happened!"

Goku runs away, "…"

"Goku!" Hakkai runs after him

Gojyo stayed and stared strangely at Sanzo, "…"

"What the hell are you staring at!" he shouts, "Go get that baka saru!"

"Um." He nodded and turned to run after them

"Ch." He picks up the pack of cigarette beside him and pulls out a stick, "…" he puts one on his mouth and lights it, "Dammit." He puts down his hand and stared at his palms

in a single blink, all he sees are blood-stains, and for another blink, all was cleaned up. Regretting, I must say…

…or just— weakness.

Genjo Sanzo never knew his weakness, he believed in his strength. He believes that he can do anything.

This is pride.

He couldn't accept that there is nothing he couldn't do.

And then… BOOM! An explosion…

He was thrown to the other side of the room, "Ack!" his back hits the wall hard, "Ah!" his jaw hung open and blood went out

"Sanzo!" the door flung open

Sanzo sat lifelessly on the floor, his arms hung down and so as his head. It seemed that some bones are broken, blood escaped from his mouth. His hair hides his eyes, but it was closed. Mouth trying to stay shut, but it continued to open and cough. He vomited blood…

Goku runs in, "Sanzo!"

O

Sanzo blinked, "Ugh…" he wakes up

"Guys! Sanzo's awake!" a voice shouted

Sanzo looked at his side, "H-hakkai…"

Two men rushed in, a red-headed man and a small brown-haired kid…

All was silent.

He sat up and noticed, "W-what…" he doesn't seem to see so much of the room. He felt like his world has suddenly been shrunk. Weird but true, he couldn't see much, he can't even see his right arm.

"What… What happened?"

And he suddenly felt strange in his face. His hair was raised up; he touched his forehead and found out that he was bandaged. His touch lowered to his right eye and also was bandaged.

"What the hell?"

He slid his fingers beneath the bandages, he tried to pull it away from him, and he lifted his other hand behind his head and started doing the same.

"Sanzo?"

Teeth grinded, he continued to break free from the bondages.

"No…"

And finally, he is free, the bondage was off. For a few minutes, he just sat there, staring at the loose bandages before him. Then he jumped so swiftly and quietly off his bed. He run towards the mirror on his side, he stepped. He stopped, staring at a shocking reflection, a scary resemblance.

All was quiet.

A second degree burn was upon his face. Exactly where his eyes were, he could've gone blind, but luckily he didn't. Only it left a scar…

Scream.

"Aah!" he broke the mirror with bare hands

"Sanzo!" Hakkai and Gojyo rushed in, restraining the wild man

He continued to scream.

"AaAaaHhh!"

Goku froze in his position as golden cried, "S-sanzo…" he had never seen him like this before

A scar remained on Sanzo's face. As he stared into his broken reflection he was reminded of kami-sama.

O

Night has fallen; he stood before the broken glass. His head hung down, so lifeless he seemed. But he was living, he was breathing… Only that is he's bleeding.

He raised his head slowly to meet the shattered reflection; face was so blank, so emotionless. So dead.

Silence.

His hand grasped into the sharp edge of the side table, and without thinking. Something danced down from his eyes and to his hands. Eyes closed, he wore nothing but bondages and jeans. His lips stuck together, his grasps got tighter.

He raised his head up and seemed that his sight passed through the ceilings. Violets got blank, can there be anything worse than to be somebody you always hated.

He stare once more to the shattered reflection, eyes stared into the violets he sees in the mirror.

"Blue."

Kami-sama's eyes were blue, while his was violet. But it didn't make much of a difference, because violet... is made out of blue.

"Blonde."

Yellow not gold was his hair color, but nothing to worry. Gold is yellow, only sharper.

But that wasn't yet all that tears him apart, also this scar. Also the burn around his eyes. And this… stupid robe.

His robe. He wears it, ignoring its great filth. He slid himself in.

"Genjo Sanzo."

He was tortured. Even if he's dead, he couldn't stop bleeding. He doesn't now why he's dying, he doesn't know why he is being like this. Such nightmares.

What? What is it there to regret?

Or… Have you just found out that you, Genjo Sanzo, has no right to posses anything… Not even your own self.

Mental scream. Physical silence.

He takes one last look at himself, and then he's off. He jumps out of the room through the window, without a sound, he's gone. He walked—and smoked along the dim-lighted streets. The town was quiet. Deadly quiet.

He sees a rock and kicks it away; then in an instant, he was reminded of a dreadful event. How he was kicked in the face by this kami-sama, how he bled, how his pride went down to ruins. All went too fast, he took steps back and once more, covering his ears believing that something might change.

"Dammit."

He cursed.

"Sanzo!" a voice called

He turns, raising his leg up. It hits Goku on the stomach, he committed blood. And once remembers the fight, thief fight with kami-sama. But what does it have to do with him today?

"S-sanzo…" Goku murmured as he fell into the groun

What? What is with you today? Violets shocked, what have you done? Brows gone wrinkled, believe it or not, Sanzo runs away… Far away.

Silence.

"What? What!"

He couldn' tell.

"Perhaps it's true." He stops as rain drops fell into him, "I'm just fucking weak."

As his eyes got blank with serious sadness. Red beads flew around him.

"I can't… I can't have anyone."

Bead connected with a thread, it danced around him as he stared into the crying sky.

"I… I couldn't protect them… I can't…"

"Sanzo…" a voice whispered in his ears

"…I can't save anyone…"

Blonde hair flowed down as one flew in the air; he bent in half to reach Sanzo's ears revealing a sly smirk. He continued to whisper as things gone worse.

He landed down and slid his soft touch on Sanzo's arms and down to his hands.

"You're an excellent toy…" he whispers

He lifted his touch to Sanzo's right eye and the burn slowly heals. His other hand slid down to Sanzo's chest, he holds him close. He tilts his head up as he reached for Sanzo's ear to whisper, "Lose everything."

Lightning struck with the sound… of a SCREAM.

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A/N: So, tell me what you think? This is my longest one-shot so far, and my first.. I mean, second angsty fic for sanzo... Hmm... What do you think? Please review!