Intimacy. So many years longing for intimacy with someone else and now, the only thing she wished was some intimacy of her own. The Neb was too small to run away from anything… or anyone.

Maybe it was the pain? Raw pain all over her, from head to toe. She didn’t allow herself to think that there were five corpses rotting inside the ship. Five dead bodies that had been her colleagues, even her friends before. Apoc, Switch, Mouse, Dozer… and Cypher. Bastard. She sighed not to yell or throw something. She knew nobody would pick it up later. Or would they.

“Don’t get too close, I won’t pick you up if you throw yourself down”, she sang softly. She didn’t even remember the melody properly, she thought she must have heard it somewhere inside the Matrix, time ago, when she had a name that was always strange to her. She didn’t belong in there and now, she felt she belonged nowhere.

The Neb was a total mess after the squids had broken her to pieces. Trinity had thrown herlself upon Neo, as if that would have made any difference. It had, indeed. After the EMP blast, she had found herself lost in his big brown eyes. She was naked to his eyes and kissed him out of embarrasment, trying to hide it somehow.

She was in love. She, the Trinity, was in love. From the very beginning she had tried to deny the Oracle’s words. She couldn’t be so important to the Prophecy. She didn’t want to be so important. She was only a soldier, she even tried to forget she was a woman. If she remembered she was something apart from speed and danger, she would feel. And feeling would inevitably lead to pain.

“Pain won’t go away. You will just learn to live with it or you will die”, a soldier had told her some years ago, when she lost her first crew members. She was still too young, she had not yet mastered her ice queen look. She told her to fuck off, to leave her the fuck alone and she wept for hours. She couldn’t know it yet, but that had been her first lesson on pain. And she knew there would be many more.

She was hiding inside the infirmary with the excuse of watching Tank. His steady, regular breathing showed that he was asleep. But he knew his game was over. He had run out of luck and the Russian roulette bullet had finally struck him. A bullet from Judas. If only kicking his dead body now that she could would solve anything.

The door was opened. She raised her eyes and wished it was Morpheus. He knew her well enough to understand that her way to deal with pain was suffocating it. On her own. She didn’t want any company. She could use some, sure, but that would imply getting naked again and her soul had too many scars to cover.

It was Neo’s puppy eyes giving her a concerned look. She looked away and tried not to sigh with discomfort. She wanted him to go away but didn’t want to be rude. She loved him so much despite the fact that she had known him for so little time. She pictured herself turning around, letting him hold her and shedding a tear or a thousand. It was tempting. If only she could allow herself to break down.

She couldn’t act like a stupid baby now. Many things had to be done. Maybe most of the crew was dead, but she was still an officer. She had to stay awake until another ship came to help them, look after Tank, fix the Neb as much as she could… and so on. Thinking about it felt good. There was too much, she said to herself, she could not fail Morpheus now, she had to help him instead of becoming a burden. There were already too many in such a small place.

“Hey”, Neo approached with a sheepish smile. She didn’t say anything back. He put his hand on her shoulder. She wanted to scream. It burned her so badly. “How is he?”

“Not good”.

“But… he will live, right?”

“I don’t think so. I’m no doctor, but his burnings are very serious. I don’t think he will make it to tomorrow”.

“Wh… what? But…”

“Soldiers don’t live long”, she shrugged.

She lied to herself saying it was life. Maybe he could buy it, but she could not. She would never admit it, but she was scared. She had felt completely helpless in that repair shop. All of the crew was at Cypher’s mercy and Trinity had not been able to do anything but whine and beg. And she hated herself for that and for not seeing it coming. She should have known better. Cypher was dangerous and he felt jealous. He would be capable of anything to get her… or to destroy her if he couldn’t have her.

“I would do anything, anything for you”, he had babbled once, so many years ago she could not remember exactly when. He smelled of Dozer’s liquor and she pushed him away.

“You’re a drunken lying bastard”.

“Yes, but I would do anything for you, so watch out”.

“Trin, are you okay?”

“Don’t call me like that”, she spat not to tell him where he could go.

“I’m sorry”. There was a pause. Trinity caressed Tank’s hair softly. She would miss him, she would miss them all but one. “Are you okay?”

“Five people have died and soon there will be one more dead. I can’t be ‘okay’ with that”.

“I… I wish I could do something to…”

“No, you can’t”.

“Do you wanna talk about it or--”

“If I wanted, I would. I just don’t”.

“You don’t have to go through this on your own, you know”. She turned around and looked into his eyes. His glance was so tender, so full with love, that she nearly threw her arms around his chest and bawled. But she couldn’t do that. She wouldn’t do that.

“What do you care”.

That had hurt, she could see it in his eyes. Of course he cared. For the first time, she knew what that meant and she felt so grateful that she knew she couldn’t express it. She wasn’t a woman of words, she was a woman of action. And she couldn’t show him she cared without breaking down. Instead, she preferred to look away. Tank’s heartbeat was so slow.

“Trinity, you’re not fine. Listen, why don’t you have a rest and--”

“And who will take care of Tank? I can’t have a rest, Neo. I’d love to, but spare time is a luxury I don’t have”.

“Okay then. They were like your family, weren’t they?”

She didn’t answer. He was asking her to get naked, but she wouldn’t. She would definitely not make the striptease he was asking for. She wouldn’t show him her scars, because if she did, he would try to heal her. And healing was a long, painful process she couldn’t afford.

“Trin, talk to me. Please”. The plea sounded so small and desperate. She sighed and swallowed. Pain was too heavy to be shared. “Come on, tell me something”.

“Would you mind leaving me alone?”

“What?”

“Would you mind leaving me alone?”, she repeated dramatically slow, pronouncing really clearly, as if he was retarded.

“I can’t leave you alone. You’re not okay, you need to talk about this--”

“Bullshit. Just go away, please”.

“Or else?”

“Neo, please”.

“No. I wanna stay with you”.

“Leave me alone”, the violence in her tone was growing swiftly.

“I won’t. You can’t be alone, not now. You need me”.

“Says who?”

“I say it, okay! If not for you, do it for me! I’ve seen them die too. I thought I’d lose you, fuck!”

“And I thought I had lost you”, she thought. She had genuinely thought so for a second. But it was impossible. Only the One could have fought an agent like he had. Only the One could have won her heart. And he did have, the bastard. He had pulled it up without her consent, without even asking for it.

“I’m scared, Trin. I don’t know what to do and you won’t talk to me!”

“Calm down. You’ll wake him up”.

“I’m sorry, I’m just--”

He wasn’t used to dealing with pain the way she did. She decided to give him a rest. He had died and come back to life, he deserved it. She caressed his cheeks and let him hold her. The hug was so sudden and full of emotion that made her chest ache for a second or two. After that, she hear him inhale deeply, then sob. Before she could do anything, she found herself trying to ease a crying Neo’s pain.

“I’m sorry”, he managed to whisper after a little while.

“It’s okay”. He looked at her. In his eyes, she saw he had expected some tears. There were none.

“I love you”.

“Love you too”, she muttered. And listening to her own words hurt like hell. She suddenly wanted to cry all the pain out, to tear the pain out in Neo’s arms, even if it worked just for a while. But she couldn’t. Tank needed her.