Author: Lord Ravenclaw PM
Series of ficlets detailing the death of Voldemort in odd ways. Formerly the oneshot The Castle.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor/Parody - Harry P. - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,972 - Reviews: 62 - Favs: 48 - Follows: 42 - Updated: 07-05-06 - Published: 06-20-06 - id: 3001225
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
The Death Eaters stood around the lord puzzled, looking at him questioningly…but not too questioningly. After all, they valued their lives. Finally one of their number was bold enough to voice the question all of them wanted to ask, but were too disposable to be able to ask.
"My lord, why are we meeting in this…piece of muggle trash?" Lucius asked his lord. Voldemort glared at him, bouncing slightly on the rubber of the inflatable castle.
"This, Lucius is our new headquarters. After all, no fool on the light side would think dare to think of Lord Voldemort hiding in such muggle filth," Lord Voldemort stated, his voice cold. Lucius nodded, "Very wise my lord. We'll undoubtedly remain undetected here."
The group of dark wizards bounced off the inflated rubber floor and fell as a young muggle girl jumped inside the inflatable castle. Voldemort seethed as he extricated himself from the rubber floor. "How dare you, muggle filth! I will kill you for your impudence!" The little girl squeaked and ran from the castle, screaming about evil men in black dresses.
"My lord, must we remain here? Dolohov has been bouncing and it's disrupting the Feng Shui," Bellatrix whined.
"CRUCIO!" The Dark Lord spat and Bellatrix fell to her knees screaming, unfortunately this had the effect of knocking over Voldemort and his Death Eaters once more as the floor rose up, breaking the connection between the Dark Lord's wand and Bellatrix.
Snape shook his head and muttered to himself, "This is going to end in tears. I know it will."
All of them began moving up and down as Wormtail bounced on his heels, whistling quietly to a tune only he recognized. The entire group collectively turned their icy cold glares on Wormtail and he quailed in fright, falling to the ground in his fear. This time nearly everyone aside from the Dark Lord managed to remain standing as the floor moved up violently as Wormtail collided with the inflated floor of the castle.
The Dark Lord growled, and once again made his way to his feet, sweeping his wand at his followers who were blasted into the elastic sides of the inflatable castle and bounced back at one another, all landing in a great heap in the center, knocking the Dark Lord off his feet again.
Lord Voldemort sighed and muttered incoherently under his breath. This plan which had taken months of planning and thought was turning out much worse than ever conceived. However a godsend appeared as he heard voices outside the castle.
"Come on Big D; let's throw him in the inflatable castle with the kiddies!"
"Yeah, come on Big D! Let's throw the Potter freak in with the rest of the kiddies."
Lord Voldemort rose and quirked his eyebrow in a manner eerily reminiscent of his servant, Severus Snape. Could this be Harry 'Golden-Boy' Potter this muggle filth spoke of? Motioning to his Death Eaters they retreated into the horribly inadequate shadows of their new base. Voldemort crouched beside the entrance to the castle, nearly toppling over as Wormtail tripped over Bellatrix's robe.
As if on cue, an amused Harry Potter flew into the inflatable castle and hit the center, pushing up the sides and knocking over almost all of the inner circle members excluding Wormtail, who was still lying pathetically near Bellatrix. Harry looked around amusedly and quirked an eyebrow, once again, in a Severus Snape fashion.
"Good god, please don't tell me you've been hiding in an inflatable castle Tom. That's just embarrassing," Harry stated, not bothering to disguise the amusement prevalent in his voice.
The Dark Lord in question flushed an angry red, looking more like a sunburned tourist than vengeful demon. Snape just barely managed to stifle a snort. The Dark Lord thought he heard Snape mutter, "We're all doomed." but passed it off as his admittedly overactive imagination. After all, the thought of Albus Dumbledore ruling the world with his iron zucchini left no doubt that his imagination was permanently stuck in overdrive. He shook himself and brought himself back to present situation.
"Yesss Harry," Voldemort hissed at his amused nemesis, "this is my master plan. Nobody will think to look for a Dark Lord and his minions in a muggle play park in the inflatable castle. It's perfect in its simplicity and logic. Infallible."
Harry stood motionless for a moment before breaking into gales of amused laugher, falling to the floor and beating it with his fist, knocking over a good number of the Death Eaters once more.
"Oh Tom, I knew you had a quirky sense of humor, but this by far tops it all. Even Luna Lovegood couldn't come up with something so incredibly insane and amusing!" Voldemort's nemesis crowed from his position on the floor, still twitching visibly as he cackled with glee. Voldemort however didn't find it so amusing.
Out of the corner of his eye he saw Rabastian and Rudolphus Lestrange pushing each other against the walls and giggling as they bounced back. Voldemort shot a scathing look at them and they immediately halted their merriment and cowered slightly. The Dark Lord snorted in disgusted amusement, and move toward the wall of his castle, balancing skillfully on the pliable floor. Behind him was a cutout window.
Harry managed to bring his snickers under control and stood up, looking out the cutout window. As he watched he saw his cousin Dudley encouraged by his friends, entirely looking the part of a rampaging, legged killer whale as he began to take a running start towards the false castle, his rolls of fat jiggling. Looking at Voldemort he quickly thought of a plan worthy of the most cunning, ruthless Slytherin.
"Ah Tom, you call yourself a Dark Lord and yet look at you, stuck in a muggle play pen. Tsk tsk, where has our little Dark Lord gone? Mummy is calling!" Harry taunted, giggling slightly.
"You dare..." Voldemort hissed, drawing his wand while completely oblivious to the scene unfolding behind him.
Harry raised his wand at Voldemort, "Yes, Tom. I dare, for neither can live while the other survives."
The man laughed chillingly but filed away his last statement, "You honestly believe you can defeat me Harry? I've had fifty years of magical experience. You've had five."
By this time the Death Eaters had gathered around, literally bouncing off the walls in anticipation.
"Knowledge is no substitute for creativity Voldykins. Wingardium Leviosa!" Harry cried as Dudley jumped with the full force of a speeding train at the wall of the castle.
Harry grunted in exertion as Dudley shifted in midair, rising slightly as his flight path was altered to intersect the position of the Dark Lord.
"And either must die at the hand of the other, mugglefucker!"
There was a girlish scream and a sickening crunch as the whale of a boy landed on the Dark Lord, crushing his frail body, his organs all pressed together and damaged beyond repair by bone fragments. The Dark Lord's screams died out as the rage in his eyes flickered and died. The Death Eaters collectively cringed.
There was silence for a moment before Severus Snape snorted.
"I'm going to need therapy after this, I just know it."
A/N: Ahh, the guilty pleasure of writing a drabble which quickly turns into a one thousand word one-shot. My amusing look into Harry's defeat by Dudley + bouncy castle. Don't ask where the idea came from, I don't know. Also, EoH and HoS are coming along well, so expect an update soon.