For Ari. Hope you had a great birthday!

This story contains spoilers for Kingdom Hearts II!

Penance

I’ve been coming in here a lot lately. The bright white is painful on the eyes and the room is cold. I don’t really like it but I have to be here. Maybe I’m making up for the time I spent away… Maybe I’m trying to shut up that last little guilty voice. I don’t know. Everything I’ve done lately, even though I didn’t really understand it until now, was to make up for everything I failed with before. I knew it was the right thing, even at the hardest moments. So maybe the past doesn’t matter, so long as I’m here now.

Not that he knows it. Not that he’ll ever know it.

First time I saw him like this, way back in Castle Oblivion, I’m not sure I fully appreciated the seriousness of the situation. I thought Naminé intended to take a few days, a week maybe at the very most. But a year? No, I hadn’t thought of that. So much has happened. I can’t help but look down at my hands, curling them into fists as that old feeling of… Anger? Frustration? Hatred? I shook my head. I felt a lot of grim things, all pointed at one person. No, not Ansem. Me. I deserve this.

Don’t I?

Thinking hopefully… A sharp burst of laughter broke out of me, like it always does, only now the voice is so different. He’s still rubbing off on me and we haven’t spoken for a year. I forgot him for all that time and yet still some of his habits are trying to catch me.

But not hope for myself. I can’t allow that. It’ll only hurt in the end.

It seems impossible now that I remember him, but for a while Sora just didn’t exist for me. “Are you angry?” I asked. Then I laughed. “I suppose you’ll never know about any of it.” I reached up and tapped on the pod. Of course Sora can’t hear me.

My memories played tricks on me, hazing and losing their depth until just yesterday. That was Naminé’s power. It was bewildering and, if I was honest with myself, kind of terrifying. To have one person with the ability to rip apart your entire life was almost beyond belief. I shook my head at the thought, guiltily admitting: ‘rather him than me’.

Hey, I’m only human.

Then there was Roxas. Seeing him for the first time and recalling how familiar he seemed, even though back then I couldn’t put my finger on it, makes sense now. “He looks just like you… only he isn’t you… but then again he is.” At first Roxas seemed like Sora’s complete opposite. Now though, Roxas isn’t like that at all. I watch him having fun with his ‘friends’ and I’m reminded of how we used to be back home, back when life was normal and adventures were just a dream. Watching Roxas makes me deeply unhappy. It did before I remembered Sora. I know what DiZ intends to do and even though it’s the right thing for Sora, DiZ’s callousness towards Roxas’ feelings, because he does feel, is like a punch in the stomach.

I looked at my friend again. He’s frowning in his sleep. I smirked as I remembered the sleepovers when he used to hold entire conversations with his dreams out loud for Kairi and I to hear. “Sora, when you wake up I’ll be gone and I don’t want you to find me. I’m not the same any more and I can’t let you or anyone else see me like this.”

His frown deepens. His hand reaches out, brushing against the glass. “Who…are you?” It sounds like he’s asked the question countless times, never receiving an answer. So what DiZ says is true, Sora and Roxas are becoming more aware of their other’s existence. I turn to face the door back to DiZ’s computer room. There are still things to be done before Sora wakes up. We can’t allow Roxas to be taken back by Organization XIII.

And I still owe my best friend a favour. I’ll look out for him, like I was always supposed to. He can’t ever see me while I’m like this, none of them can, so I’ll help from the shadows…

…from the darkness, where I belong.