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Author's Note: A third revision was done November 13, 2006 to fix the formatting now that page breaks work. I'll get to typos some other time...
Thanks: Everyone who read, reviewed or favourited this story. The writing of this fic was honestly such a screw up, so I really appreciate those of you who stuck with it. If you're new to it, five chapters were actually posted before it became one big story, so that's why it has over a hundred reviews. Not because it's that good. :P
Warnings: RikuSora. Vague LeonCloud. Some mature and unpleasant subject matter. Kairi's not bashed, but she's not presented in the best light.
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. Nor do I own Dylan's brilliant lyrics.
Recovery Room
Riku swore, throwing his head back against the pillow and pinching at the bridge of nose between his eyes. Damn it. Against a throbbing headache, he wondered just what he had to drink last night. Some vile combination of alcoholic beverages had left him reeling in the morning light. Whatever it had been, he regretted it as he pulled the blankets over his head to block out the sun. Damn it!
Vaguely, he remembered driving home from the hospital during rush hour, passing several bars before finally giving into the temptation. He just wanted something to take his mind off of everything. Apparently it wasn't easily accomplished, but oh, had he eventually succeeded. His hand was reaching over now, warily pulling at the sheets beside him. Oh god, please say I wasn't that wasted...At least he hadn't brought anyone home with him. That would have been really fucking fantastic.
He needed to get more sleep. He knew it, his doctors always told him so, but he just tossed and turned in his hot cocoon until he gave up and staggered to the medicine cabinet. He cringed and rinsed last night's vomit down the drain. It was an especially good move, considering that several bottles fell off a crowded, bottom shelf and into the sink. Riku ignored this. He had far too many pills in there for his liking. He didn't want to think about them all right now.
Swallowing two painkillers he left for the kitchen and an old pot coffee. As he passed his living room, an open bottle of vodka, an empty can of Pepsi and a well used highball glass stood as evidence that his drinking had continued at home. Did I really drink all that vodka to one can of pop? Nice one...
He placed a half-full mug in the microwave and frowned as he caught sight of his keys on the counter. He tried to tell himself that he was fine when he left the bar, the room wasn't spinning at all, but knew that wasn't true. He hated himself for driving home drunk. It was such a selfish risk. Sora would really chastize him if he ever found out. But Sora doesn't know what it's like.
Coffee in hand, Riku sat down on a threadbare couch. He ran long fingers through his usually smooth, platinum hair and looked around. The apartment was sparsely furnished and crowded all at once. In the two years since he had moved out of his parents' house, he had accumulated a lot of junk and very little furniture. It didn't really concern him though. He wasn't the type to entertain.
Sora had visited often though, before he started school at a different college than Riku. I can't remember the last time he was here anymore...Christmas? No...Sometimes it was with Kairi, but mostly he came alone. For a long time it seemed strange to not see Sora sharing the sofa, or claiming three-quarters of it for himself. He always managed to encroach on Riku's space.
To Riku's left, the answering machine was blinking red. Who would that be? He toyed with the idea of ignoring the messages, the silence was so appealing, but ultimately gave restraining his curiosity up as a bad job.
The machine droned, "You have two new messages - new messages, two. First message sent June 22nd at 5:35."
This was followed by a saccharine, recorded voice, "Hi Riku, this is Selphie from work. I was just wondering if you wanted to switch me shifts tomorrow. My morning for your night. Give me a call at -"
Riku pressed the skip button with a smirk. No, he would not like to be at work for nine o'clock, seeing as it was just past eight and he was still a little unsteady on his feet.
"Riku, honey, record yourself a greeting for this thing please. That default one you're using sounds terrible. Your father and I never know if we've called the right house when that machine answers. And, please call sweetie. We worry about you...You're taking care of yourself, right? Your father says you should take zinc. It's good for your immune -"
Again Riku cut the tape short, frowning. Overall, checking the messages had been rather dissatisfying. They were so trivial. Everything was trivial now. Selphie wants to sleep in after a wild Friday night. Don't we all...His mother has nothing better to do with herself than hound him and criticize his taste in answering machines. Riku shook his head at their ignorance.
With measured apathy he began to plan his day. To shower and get the taste of booze out of his mouth was a high priority. He supposed that after that he might call home, but it was pretty unlikely. He had no real plans for the afternoon, but thought about going to the record store around the corner and looking for some Dylan on vinyl. Oh, Bob...Zimmy...He was actually quite satisfied with this idea. Saturday afternoons were usually reserved for moping.
Then Riku would have to go to work. His job was a fucking joke as far as he was concerned. Only temporary, for the summer, but such a fucking joke. Every shift his boss stood at his elbow, imploring him to deny claims faster. The company possessed such a monopoly on car insurance, and the city had such absurdly poor drivers, that a regular eight-hour work day wasn't long enough to turn down all the single mothers who were rear-ended coming home from work. Their reward for obeying half-hidden stop signs. So Riku spent his evenings one week, and his days the next, sitting at a computer, trying to determine the likelihood of the company being sued for issuing a refusal.
Oh, you didn't call the police. That's too bad. The other drivers always seem so nice don't they? Well, we just can't seem to determine who's at fault. I'm sorry, but now you'll know for next time...
Feeling queasy again, he swallowed the rest of his coffee at once. It was so bitter and black that it stung his mouth. Sora always heaped in several spoonfuls of sugar whenever Riku made him coffee. Riku smiled at the memory in spite of his friend's recent oversights. Sora should have been home from college over a week ago. He'll call eventually. Or I suppose I could call him...
Riku was flirting with the clerk at the record store. The male clerk. He knew he shouldn't, but he just couldn't help it. He was such a lovely distraction. All fair and blonde. And harmless, as his coy smiles screamed of being in love with someone else.
Riku never flirted with people who were unattached. They invariably wanted something he wouldn't give. Turning them away could be so tedious. They always asked so many questions.
But with this one, Riku played the charmer. He teased and flashed the blonde perfect, white smiles as they walked to the back of the store. His companion was just responsive enough. That's it, beautiful. Riku felt safe, the world momentarily forgotten as the other man looked at him playfully with sparkling, azure eyes that were so familiar.
"This is our folk music section. There's a spot for Dylan, but his records are in and out of here so fast that you've got to be here the day we get them."
Riku smirked softly, just enough to let the other man know that he had exposed himself to the potential of a highly vulgar comment by using the phrase in and out so fast. But it was too easy, "So, who do you have to blow in this place to get a copy of Bringin' It All Back Home?"
The employee gave an easy chuckle, "Original vinyl? Well, that's the manager."
He pointed to a slightly overweight man with an unfortunate moustache and a receeding head of dull brown hair that was several months past the cut point. He looked rather leftover from a nineteen-seventies heavy metal concert, with his ill-fitting leather jacket. From their spot in the back of the store, the two men burst into laughter.
"So clearly not everyone who works here is as good-looking as you."
"No," the blonde accepted the compliment gracefully, "but don't let that stop you."
"I don't think I'm his type."
"No...He likes them a little chestier."
Riku cringed and as if on cue, the manager looked toward where they were standing. Both men straightened.
The clerk spoke loudly now, "So, I hope you'll continue to check back for that particular artist. I can show you our dollar records though. You never know what you'll find."
"Yeah," Riku began, smiling at the sudden proper, that is to say forced, tone he was hearing. "That would be great..."
"Cloud," the clerk finished Riku's dangling sentence.
"Cloud? That's different."
"Well, you don't look like a Joe or a Mike..."
"Yeah, I guess Riku's a little different too."
"I like it."
As Cloud returned to the front counter, Riku knelt and began digging through a box of records. They were mostly from the eighties, just as vinyl was abandoned for the cassette tape. And it looked like someone had dumped their Andrew Lloyd Webber collection in its entirety. Jesus Christ Superstar. Cats. Joseph and the Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat. Evita. Riku smirked. Tempting...
He didn't want to leave empty handed, so he grabbed a couple of the cheap records and left. He couldn't help but think that the whole experience had been rather unfulfilling. Maybe he wanted a record that wasn't a completely hopeless case. No one wants to get rid of their Bob Dylan. Maybe for once, he wanted a person who wasn't a completely hopeless case. But no one wants...Not like this...
With over an hour to kill before he had to leave for work, Riku stole away to the solitude of his room. The music he had purchased was played just loudly enough to drown out the world without getting a reality-jolting noise complaint from his neighbours. Riku wasn't made for these living conditions, an apartment complex that stacked people, level after level, in spaces of off-white paint and too thin walls. This little cookie-cutter world. He didn't belong.
As the A-side came to an end, Riku stood to flip the record, but stopped mid-stride for the sound of his door-buzzer. It was going off ceaselessly, a span of uninterrupted noise, only accented as the visitor rang it repetitively.
Who the fuck?
He pressed his intercom, "Yeah?"
"It's Sora."
Riku immediately granted him entrance to the building, shaking his head for several reasons. It was just like Sora to finally show up unannounced to distract him when he should be getting ready for work. But a smile that he didn't make an effort to fight tugged at the corners of his thin lips as he stood by the door. Sora was relentless in the best way possible. He wouldn't stop until Riku's sides ached from laughing.
But when the brunette climbed the three flights of stairs and walked through Riku's door, he immediately took a seat on the couch, offering little more than, "Hi."
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong?"
"It doesn't look like nothing's wrong."
Sora was always such a terrible lair. Even if he could have kept his voice steady, the pained red around his usually bright, blue eyes would have given him away. His hair was a disgruntled mess and his lips, the scarlet ones that usually looked so kissable, were dried out and chapped.
"I'm fine."
"You look like shit."
"Well you..." Sora faltered and gave a weak smile. "You look beautiful."
Riku's expression softened at the familiar compliment, "You're just saying that."
"Nah. You don't need to be reminded."
Riku sat next to Sora, watching even as the younger boy refused to meet his eyes, "Are you gonna tell me what's wrong?"
"Yeah."
"Well..."
"She had an abortion," Sora said plainly, abruptly turning to Riku.
"What?"
"Kairi had an abortion. She didn't want our child."
"Oh, Sora, I'm sorry."
Now it was Riku fighting to urge to look away as Sora appeared ruined, more crushed than he ever thought possible. He had always been such a carefree person. Nothing ever fazed him; he always bounced back so quickly.
But this had gotten to Sora. Riku forced himself to take in what it all meant. He had become quite adept at avoiding his own issues over the past year, but he couldn't ignore what Sora was going through. With awareness that he hadn't felt in a long time, Riku thought of how nothing would ever be the same. Sora, who had always seemed so unaffected by the world's harshness, was tainted.
"I just didn't think she would something like that. She didn't even tell me."
"Sora, you're both so young."
Riku didn't know why he was defending Kairi. Perhaps he had just gotten accustomed to supporting their relationship without considering how he felt about it. Or maybe he just meant to ease Sora's mind. He felt the brunette's hand, tense in his, as he reached for it again.
"That's a poor excuse. She was old enough to fool around with me, wasn't she?"
"Sora, I..."
But he was interrupted, frustration strengthening Sora's voice, "You can't imagine how it feels, Riku. It's honestly the worst thing she could have done to me. I love her. I would have been there for her...She didn't even trust me enough to discuss it."
A fond smile, "You wouldn't have let her go through with it in a million years."
"I would have been a good father."
Riku felt a sudden rush of love towards the other boy and everything he had represented. Those bright eyes, so fiery with determination and affection whenever they caught Riku's. An uncommon sense of justice and the ability to form a genuine connection with the people you least expected. He had been so pure, so irrepressible, so resilient
"Sora, I don't think she doubted that. It wasn't that she didn't trust you to be there for her. She just couldn't handle it. Think of how it would have changed her life. Think about her plans for school and a job."
Sora continued, undeterred, "There are people who would give up everything for what we had. Babies die in hospitals and parents never move on. It kills them. They wanted a healthy child so badly. How can anyone have an abortion knowing this? How could we have just thrown away what so many people would have cherished?"
Riku shrugged helplessly, unprepared for such a tense situation. Things like this weren't supposed to happen to guys as nice as Sora.
Sora's will to argue was fading though, anger giving way to sadness as an unbidden tear slipped down his cheek, "I just...It feels like she stole something from me. I'll never look at her the same way again."
Sora's grip on Riku's hand slackened as they fell into silence. Wordlessly Riku traced the lines on Sora's palm with his index finger. He was trying to imagine how the other boy felt. Humiliated. Guilty. Alone. He couldn't comprehend it all.
So he sought avoidance, "I have to go to work."
"On Saturday?"
Riku nodded, "I'm sorry, Sora. It'll get better."
"I-" Sora started as Riku stood, already reaching for his coat.
"What?"
"Can I stay here, for tonight? We screamed at each other all morning, Riku. We need some space."
"Oh, Sora, I don't know if that's a good idea."
"But...I'll stay in the extra room. You won't even know I'm here."
Riku didn't believe that for an instant. He knew that if Sora stayed one night, it would probably turn into at least a week and he wouldn't be able to escape his presence. Seven days of thinking about the boy in the other room, wishing things were different, would be too much.
Still, there was a look in Sora's eyes so desperate that Riku was on the verge of permitting. He'd do it in a second if things were the other way around. Stop being selfish. Something else anchored his response though. He would never admit it to Sora, but he privately thought that the boy was going to have an insatiable need for attention after all this. Sora had always craved attachment and Riku didn't think he had the energy for that sort of intensely human relationship anymore. A sickening image of Sora spending his days alone in the unkempt apartment made Riku shake his head. Allowing it would be akin to abandonment.
"What about your parents?"
"They were pretty pissed off when I moved in with Kairi. I don't want to go crawling back, if I can help it. So, come on. It'll be like old times," Sora coaxed.
"Sora..." Riku started to argue, but couldn't bring himself to impress upon Sora how drastically different their lives were from when they had attended high school together. There were complications that Sora couldn't possibly understand.
"I'll be fine, Riku. I know I look awful, but I won't do anything crazy. You don't have to worry about me. I promise you won't come home to find that I've slit my wrists in your bathroom or something stupid like that."
Riku closed his eyes, a familiar dull ache pounding against the front of his skull. Was that what he really feared? Not Sora being lonely, but Sora being left alone in the wrong instance. Maybe he didn't really think that Sora needed attention; more like supervision.
But no, he knew all the reservations and misgivings revolved around his own problems and that wasn't fair to Sora.
"You don't even have clothes."
Sora smiled both at his own thoughtlessness and at Riku's weaking arguments, "Can't I borrow something?"
"If you can find anything in that mess of a room."
"I think I'll manage. Have you forgotten my old bedroom already?"
No.
"I guess you're right..."
"So I can stay?"
"Yeah."
A smile broke liberally across Sora's face and Riku had to admit that it was a wonderful sight. The brunette stood and caught his taller companion in a hug. A tight hug. An awkward hug, because Riku was in the process of reaching up to rub the back of his stiff neck, but it was obvious how much the gesture meant to both boys. It's been so long since...
"Thanks, Ri."
"It's nothing. Here," Riku reached for his wallet. "There's not much to do around this place. Here's the card for the little video store down the street."
Sora eyed the plastic warily, thinking of the nature of both the trendy neighbourhood and his ambiguous friend, "This isn't one those alternative video stores, is it?"
"No," Riku couldn't contain a chuckle. "It's as mainstream as they come. Go rent one of those X-Men movies you like so much."
What the hell am I doing? Riku shook his head at his own lack of resolve. He had hesitated, but was now not only giving Sora a roof, but also ensuring that he was properly entertained. He wouldn't allow himself to think it, but subconsciously, he saw this as a chance to spend time with his best friend and he wanted deeply for Sora to enjoy it.
He undressed with unnecessary caution. This is silly. He's not going to walk in on me. And it's nothing he hasn't seen before. Not being accustomed to sharing the space with another, he locked the door before stripping off his dress shirt for a light, cotton tee. In his boxers, he crawled across his bed, only to recoil and lean for the doorknob. Muttering to himself, he turned the latch to the open position. He won't move until noon for sure.
The room Riku had given to Sora was separated from his own by an adjacent study, and then an open living room. It was on the opposite side of the poorly planned apartment. Riku had toyed with the idea of moving the mattress into the study so that Sora would only be a wall away from him, but then thought that perhaps the brunette wanted his space. He could have his independence in that far room. Having him so close would only make it worse anyway.
But now Sora felt not independent, but forgotten, as he bolted up in his empty bed. He tried to shake off the nightmare, but every graphic detail seemed burned in his mind - a brutual scar. Kairi, but not quite Kairi, wilder and darker, slaughtering a hundred unrecognizable beings as he watched helplessly from some strange post in the viciously red dessert. Then he fell, a long, dizzying descent, and his nightmare girl kissed him with blood-covered lips, as he felt her stomach burst with a dead child.
He tried to go back to sleep. It was just a dream. To be expected after everything. Nothing he couldn't handle. But the more he lay in the overlarge bed alone, the more it disturbed him.
And he didn't understand why Riku hadn't come to check on him when he got home. Under different circumstances, when he stayed over at Riku's place, they always spent the night together in the living room. Sora on the couch and Riku on the floor. And he had shared a bed with Kairi for the last year. It was always so warm. He didn't know how to be alone anymore. But Kairi didn't want him. And Riku...
"Ri..." the voice was so quiet.
"Sora? What's the matter?"
"You're home?"
"Obviously."
"I can't sleep."
Riku was sitting up and squinting into the light from the open doorway now.
"How long have you been there for, Sora?" he asked the silhouette.
The boy shrugged and cast his gaze downwards. In truth, Sora felt as though he had been standing there for a very long time. He couldn't count the number of times he had softly said his friend's name. The hallway was so cold and dark and Riku wasn't answering him.
He had almost given up, feeling guilty for even thinking of ruining his friend's sleep. And a little pathetic for needing him. Then he turned on the hallway light and felt a huge rush of relief when he saw Riku stir as his environment changed. Finally Sora's quiet plea was answered.
"Have you been crying, Sora?"
Sora shook his head, still staring at his feet, which were rooted in place.
Riku got up and felt his heart break as he looked at Sora's tear streaked face, "What is it?"
Again Sora shrugged. He hated himself for it. It was pitiful. Hadn't he promised Riku that he would be his old self if he stayed over?
"Did something happen? Do you want me call someone?'
Sora felt as though his voice was caught. He couldn't bring himself to say anything except, "Ri..."
"Co'mere, Sora," Riku said after examining his friend for several more seconds.
Finally Sora felt the comfort he was longing for as he fell into Riku's embrace. Not once, in their entire friendship, had they ever held each other as closely as they did in that moment. Sora gratefully leaned against the taller boy who led him to his bed. This is better. Sitting down at the edge, Sora even bounced a bit, testing the mattress as Riku disappeared into the en suite. He came back with a warm facecloth and wiped away the dried tears carefully.
"Is that a smile I see?" Riku asked gently, offering Sora one of his own.
Sora nodded.
"Are you gonna tell me what's wrong?"
"I can't sleep," Sora repeated his previous complaint.
"Why were you crying, Sora?"
Riku watched the pair of sapphire eyes cloud over and instantly regretted the question.
"I had a nightmare. And it's lonely in that room."
"Oh," Riku said guiltily. "Sorry. I should have put you next to me."
" 'S okay. It's just been such a long time since I've had my own room."
Looking at Sora now, Riku could not have been sorrier for allowing himself to think that he wanted Sora to stay with him for more than a night. Of course Sora had to go back to Kairi. He hates being alone. Riku had to make it better, "You can stay here with me tonight, if you want."
Sora accepted shyly, slipping into the bed next to Riku, who pulled the blankets over them. Sora stayed dangerously close to the edge, until he was pulled into a comforting hug. The bed gently caved to their weight and the motion seemed to soothe Sora as it brought the two boys closer together. A hand laced itself into a think mass of cinnamon hair and drew Sora's head into its owner's chest. Their bodies, under covers lit by curtain-filtered streetlights, became completely intertwined.
Then Riku couldn't help but press a soft kiss to the top of Sora's head. He felt the grip on the thin cotton of his top tighten as Sora stared up at him with wide eyes.
Don't look so scared.
"Just sleep, Sora," said Riku, calm and reassuring.
Sora's mouth hung open questioningly, but he said nothing. Instead he closed his eyes and accepted another kiss from Riku, this time placed on his forehead. It was so easy to give in. He needed affection. Riku instantly made him feel so secure, so loved. A hand was at his chest now, searching for his heartbeat and he knew what was coming next. He tilted his head upwards and met Riku's lips in a chaste, but blood-rushing kind of kiss.
He felt Riku smile against his mouth as they pulled apart, "Your heart is racing..."
This observation made the brunette blush a deep red that was faintly detectable in the pale light. A girl's name was on the tip of his tongue, but Riku easily convinced him not to say it.
"It's okay, Sora. Just sleep."
Sora thought that Riku would still be next to him as he awoke from his slumber, but even with this disappointment, he still found that the next morning came easier to him than he could have expected. After the tumult of his nightmare, his sleep had been dreamless. It was so easy to rest with Riku caging him in that protective embrace. It was kind of nice to be the one being held. Sora blushed at the realization that he had just spent an entire night in another man's bed and he wasn't even freaking out the next morning.
The sun poured in opportunistically through any available crack in the window coverings as Sora tossed off the blankets and looked for a clock. He was pleased to find that it was not yet ten, even though he felt certain that he had slept for more than eight hours. A note lay beside the glowing red figures, tented in a way that was meant to grab Sora's attention. It was written in the hasty scrawl of someone who had obviously slept in.
Hey Sora,
Hope you're not mad I left without saying goodbye, but you were sleeping very soundly. I had to help my dad move in some new furniture. Try to get lots of rest of today. And don't forget to eat! There's cereal above the fridge and some microwaveable food in the freezer. Sorry, I know it's not too exciting. If you're staying, we'll go grocery shopping when I get home and get some food that you like. If you get bored there's a computer and some books in the study.
Thinking of you,
Riku
Sora smiled at the last line. He couldn't remember the last time someone had shown so much concern for him. Kairi had too many other commitments to devote such rapt thought to him. Volleyball, Arts council, tutoring, Student Distress Centre volunteer work...Absently Sora touched his lips, thinking of the kiss he had shared with Riku last night. He didn't really care what it meant.
It made him remember who usually kisses those pouty lips of his though, and he thought that he should call Kairi. He felt considerably better about life than he had yesterday and was better prepared to deal with her. I guess I overacted a bit. He could never hate her. Even if what she did was the most painful betrayal, he had to set things right. It's my fault too.
He wasn't quite sure how to though. He wondered what to say. They hadn't broken up. Could they just forget about everything and move on? Or did Sora need to forgive her? Would she even want to hear that? Shouldn't she apologize for not even telling him about it? For the sickening hour he had spent holding a letter from the clinic while he waited for her to come home from a run? Maybe we're just over...
All of his thinking was for naught though, as Kairi didn't answer either of his calls, one placed from Riku's line and one on his cell phone. He hung up somewhat bitterly, certain that she was home. He was trying and she was just ignoring him. Her neglection made it hard for Sora to believe that he had really spent the last three years of his life with her. After all that, she was shutting him out.
How long does it take to stop loving someone?
Sora liked being in Riku's car. He had always liked it, but now the freedom it had offered in high school was mixed with security. He to admit though, that he liked being in Riku's just a bit bed more. Still, he had no complaints about driving with his friend. Music poured with satisfying loudness from the speakers and the sunroof was popped open. He felt a rush of gratitude towards Riku, who turned the car into a parking lot. Sure beats moping around the apartment, trying to avoid Kairi.
Riku grabbed a cart on their way in, Sora following close behind him.
"Where should we start?"
Sora put a finger to his chin thoughtfully, "I think I want some real cereal. Not that sugar and marshmallow stuff you eat."
"Oh, so my cereal's not good enough for you? It's a source of seven essential nutrients I'll have you know."
Sora smiled, but was undeterred, "I want some Raisin Bran."
Riku pulled a face, "No wonder Kairi didn't want your baby."
"What?"
"Nothing."
"And bananas, I want some bananas," Sora said once his cereal was in their cart.
Riku wrinkled his nose, "Bananas? What are you going to do with bananas?"
"Don't be vulgar," Sora scolded.
"I wasn't!"
Riku thoroughly enjoyed shopping with Sora, even if he went about it in the most disorganized fashion possible. They started off in the cereal aisle, then went to the produce section, only to double back to the frozen food area. Somewhere in between they'd gone to the bakery twice and the deli once for good measure. The bemused smile never left Riku's face as Sora fretted over whether or not granola bars were healthy enough and picked out the shiniest apples of the bunch.
"I can't believe you bought so much fruit," Riku said, setting the bags he was carrying on his kitchen counter. "You know, I don't judge people who eat pizza or cookies."
"That's not gonna help me get back into shape," Sora answered, pinching at his stomach. "Kairi gave me pudge!"
Riku rolled his eyes and starting unpacking the groceries, "Yeah, you really need to diet...What's this?"
Sora couldn't hide a guilty smile, "Ice cream, for my strawberries."
"Really, is that so?" Riku asked, with a smirk. "What else is in here that I don't know about?"
"Riku, stop!"
Sora lunged forward and grabbed Riku around the waist from behind, trying to deny him access to the shopping bag. Riku was laughing as he stood his ground, reaching over Sora who was now pushing him from the side, trying to wedge himself between Riku and the cupboard. Gasping at the pressure, Riku dug through the mess of produce that was just within his reach, until his fingers found a jar. A small noise of victory escaped his lips, through the breathless chuckles, making Sora jump full on him. The desperate attempt to pry the container from Riku's fingers only made the silver haired boy laugh harder.
"Sora, let go. I can't breathe!"
Riku felt Sora's weight shift off his back with a noticeable amount of reluctance. Struggling to catch his breath, he turned to see the other boy smiling in spite of the fact that Riku held a rather sugary substance in his hands. Riku held the jar up, taunting Sora even as he wiped away tears. His stomach ached. He swore his abs felt like he'd just done a hundred crunches. He couldn't remember the last time he had laughed so hard. Sometime before he left for college...
"It's caramel," Sora explained through his own laughter. "It's for my apples."
"More like for your ice cream. Planning on making sundaes without me, were we, Sora?"
"No," Sora fought back more giggles, "it's really for apples."
Riku raised an eyebrow skeptically. I shouldn't, but...Then, to Sora's horror, the jar opened with a satisfying snap. He looked at the older boy, mischief and threats tainting those otherwise perfect aqua eyes.
"What if, I did this?"
Riku dipped a long finger into the caramel, raising it high over a backward tilted head. He let out an exaggerated moan as the candy hit his tongue. Licking what remained on his lips before taking his whole finger in his mouth, Riku shot Sora a lustful gaze.
Sora nearly moaned just watching. Riku's thin lips were red and sticky, curved upwards in a way that just begged to be licked. The sounds escaping Riku were different, more guttural and alluring, than anything Sora had ever heard. Oh my god...
"You're staring," Riku said.
"You're eating my freaking caramel," Sora recovered quickly.
"Mmm, it's so good," Riku teased, readying another finger.
This time Sora caught his wrist, and drew the hand away from Riku's mouth to his own. Rolling his head to the side suggestively, Sora licked along Riku's index finger to the tip. What the hell am I doing? He seems to like it though...The older boy's eyes widened as Sora took the top half of the digit in his mouth. Automatically, Riku's finger curled over the bottom row of teeth, allowing Sora to suck until the sweetness turned to salty flesh.
"I think it tastes better on apples, Ri," Sora said grinning, his forehead pressed against Riku's.
Riku's jaw dropped indignantly, "Well you can keep your mouth to yourself then."
"Fine," Sora answered, but his lips were brushing against the other boy's as he spoke.
Riku was still and quiet, anticipating Sora's kiss, but the brunette just turned away. Busying himself with the groceries, Sora hummed a familiar riff in an apparent effort to look distracted.
"Like a Rolling Stone," Riku stated.
"Huh?"
"That's what your humming."
"Since when do you listen to Bob Dylan?"
"Everyone knows that song. Since when do you listen to Bob Dylan?"
"Since I took a music appreciation class. What?" Sora added, as Riku eyed him sceptically.
"You just don't seem like a Dylan fan."
"Well, you didn't like someone I'd want to kiss, but things change."
Sora was fully determined not to phone Kairi. Fours days...She would call when she was ready. And he was the one who had been hurt and mislead. Not to mention that Riku deserved his attention too. Sora could tell, even though Riku was trying his best not to show it, that life wasn't easy for him either. He has such lonely eyes. Sometimes he seemed desperate for physical contact, other times he shrunk away from Sora's touch.
Still, they had fallen back into their friendship effortlessly as the days slipped by. Sora didn't move back into the room that Riku had initially offered him. They both took it for granted that Riku's invitation extended indefinitely and Sora slept in his bed each night. Another idiosyncrasy of their relationship that was never questioned. It just seemed like the right thing to do.
So they were waking up together, every part of their bodies that touched during the night was sticky with sweat. In the unair-conditioned, fifth floor residence, the fan only provided so much relief. But the heat and closeness made them both feel alive. Sora. I can't believe...
A sleepy groan escaped Sora as he brushed the fringe of hair from his dampened forehead. After a hot night, he was finding the cool morning rather unnerving. He snuggled into Riku, trying not to wake his friend. Riku had rather a lot of sleep catch up on. His exhaustion was beginning to wear on him as he had stayed up late with Sora all week, only to have to work at nine the next day.
"Sora," Riku murmured absently.
"What?"
"Try 'good morning,'" Riku scolded through a voice still thick with sleep.
Sora looked up at his friend with great affect and gently dug his elbows into the muscled chest to prop his head up. "Good morning, Beautiful," he said with only the slightest trace of contempt.
Riku smiled as Sora leaned forward to place a brief kiss on his forehead, "Good morning."
"What time is it?"
Riku laid back to bring the alarm clock into Sora's view saying, "Six-thirty. We've got two hours until I have to leave for work."
"You need a break, Riku."
"Nah, I'm fine," he said through a yawn. "It's good money..."
In truth, Riku had found his job a lot more tolerable in the past week. It could have been the result of knowing that he had someone to go home to. It could have been that this pushed him to work faster, earning him a reprieve from the usually prying, judgmental supervision provided by his boss.
Sora's company suited Riku just fine. He had gone from his avoidant existence, with its individual sized meals and empty extra bedroom, to a rather fulfilling coexistence with Sora. Not that he didn't seem to still have an unoccupied room. It did now contain a small share of Sora's possessions though, picked on an evening that Sora knew Kairi had commitments for.
It hadn not been a pleasant experience, retrieving Sora's belongings from the empty apartment, the one for which Kairi's parents paid the rent. Please come. It'll be harder without you. They both felt guilty, like intruders, Riku most of all, as they packed up a few things. I shouldn't be here for this. Sora left Kairi a note saying that he would staying at Riku's until she was ready to talk, and then he was the quiet one for the rest of that night. He curled up to Riku on the couch and accepted the kisses pressed into his wild hair with soft whimpers.
Don't look so sad, Sora.
But the situation had improved steadily since that night. Riku almost felt guilty for enjoying Sora's company as much as he did. Everything seemed a lot more real when someone was around to share it with you. Distantly Riku remembered how used to avoid that feeling. Sora, with all his honesty and easy going affection, had forced him not to. Suddenly moving a plastic dish from the freezer to the microwave wasn't enough. Riku now liked to cook for Sora, to take care of him. It earned him gratitude and the most genuine smiles.
"Go back to sleep," Riku whispered against the top of Sora's head, reluctantly beginning to untangle their bodies.
"No, I'll get up with you."
Riku lifted his legs over the edge of the mattress and walked to the kitchen, stretching as he went.
"I'm making coffee today!" Sora called, in pursuit.
Riku frowned in disapproval, shifting through a cupboard, "That's not fair. You can undo the strength of my coffee with milk and sugar. I can't do a thing with that water you call coffee."
"Suck it up," Sora said stubbornly, then a motion of Riku's hand caught his eye. "Since when do you take vitamins?"
Riku looked surprised for a split second, but quickly disguised it, "Since always, if you'd care to be more observant."
Sora also seemed taken aback momentarily, but soon shook it off, "Well good."
"Yeah. I guess I'll let you make coffee. Then I can make waffles."
Sora's eyes lit up, "Waffles! We're not Toaster Strudel-ing it today?"
"No, I think it's time we had a real breakfast."
"I like this. Chicken last night, now waffles. Kairi's was a really good cook, but you know that."
The easy tone of Sora's voice was hard for Riku to interpret. Is he not telling me something? Either Kairi had started speaking to him, or Sora simply didn't care anymore. Regardless, Riku had to work to hide a flash of resentment at the mention of Kairi's name, "Yeah, well, hopefully I learnt something from her."
"I'm sure, your waffles will be wonderful, Ri," Sora said, having moved behind Riku now. He wound his arms around the slender boy's waist, resting his head between Riku's shoulder blades, the length of their bodies pressed together. Sora...God help me. There was a strange possessiveness to the embrace that made Riku shudder and forget that Sora had ever mentioned Kairi.
"Sora, you're such a distraction. Stay like that and you'll never get breakfast."
Sora moaned in response, gently rocking their bodies side to side, then said, "So let's stay like this. I'm not that hungry yet. Screw that stupid job of yours."
"Get me some flour," Riku said with great effort.
"Fine," Sora reluctantly let go. "Sorry. I know you're busy. I guess I just don't know how to wake up beside someone and not hold them all morning."
Riku smiled and now he wanted to show his affection, "You're too thoughtful Sora. Much too nice." He pressed a kiss to the younger boy's forehead before giving him a look that sent him to retrieve the necessary ingredients for waffles.
Sora was now waiting impatiently for Riku to come home from work so they could make dinner together - tacos. It was finally Friday night and Riku had the weekend off. Sora thought that he might try to take care of a few things, like applying for some jobs or going to the bank, but knew he'd probably end up spending all his time with Riku. Where is he? He distracted himself by pulling a book from Riku's study.
"Hey," Riku said softly as he entered the room and ruffled Sora's already messy hair. Why can't I help himself? "What are you reading?"
"Your psych text."
"Didn't you take first-year psych?"
"No, anthro and sociology though."
Riku smiled, "You're well on your way to one useless BA."
"I'm applying for Education next year."
Working with all those children? How could you not think of...Riku watched Sora's face for signs of doubt, but saw none, "Good for you. Are you learning anything from that?"
Sora lifted the book and read in a mock serious tone, "Well, let's see. I'm nineteen, so according to Erikson, I'm experiencing the crisis of Intimacy vs. Isolation. And so are you. Let's resolve this together, Riku."
Riku laughed, "It's true though, isn't it? Sometimes I think it's better to just be alone, but then no matter what you tell yourself, you always want that person who you can be completely intimate with."
Sora blinked, surprised at the honesty, "What happens if I don't resolve my crisis?"
"You're developmentally screwed. I don't remember. Read the text."
"It says I'll be emotionally isolated and my development will stagnate."
"Well, that's a little extreme, isn't it?"
"I don't know. I think I'd be pretty miserable if I turned forty and was all alone."
Riku sighed, "You miss Kairi." It wasn't a question.
"Sometimes. I shouldn't. It's stupid, after what she did. She's not even the same person to me anymore."
"It's not stupid, Sora. You guys were together for three years. You shared a lot..."
Sora blushed gently, "I just wish she'd call."
"I don't know what to say."
"It's okay. How's your Intimacy vs. Isolation battle going?"
It pretty much centres around you. "Uh, romantically, I'd have to say Isolation is winning. But I think I'm okay with that."
"Really? There must be some girl out there who's caught your eye...or guy," Sora added, recalling his friend's tendency to comment on the attractiveness of the same sex.
Riku smiled imperceptibly, "Just guys, Sora."
"Oh, I kind of thought. But you had girlfriends..."
"Well, our high school wasn't big on acceptance, was it?"
Sora shook his head, "But hey, I'm sleeping with you every night, aren't I? Bet you feel pretty accepted."
"Something like that," Riku muttered, offering Sora his hand and pulling the slight boy out of the chair. If you ever knew...But it's impossible. "I thought it would have been pretty obvious to you anyway."
"Yeah, I think I knew...Hey, Riku?" Sora asked after a delay, allowing himself to be led to the kitchen.
"Yeah?"
"Is it hard, being gay?"
"There are worse things."
"Have you had boyfriends?"
"Nothing important. I would have told if I did."
"Oh...Have you, you know...with a guy?"
Riku's eyes widened, "Why are you asking me all this?"
"Well, I always kind of wondered, but you never talked about it before." Sora was blushing even deeper than he had earlier, but he continued, "What's it like?"
Riku shrugged, hiding his own redness by digging through the crisper for lettuce and tomato, "I don't know. It's like with a girl, but it feels different, less soft, and it's a little more...controlling."
"Are you...doing the controlling?"
"Sora! That's enough!"
"What? I told you about everything with Kairi and how awkward it was at first. Although, that probably grossed you out, girls and all."
"Does my gay sex gross you out?" I shouldn't have said that. We shouldn't be having this conversation. But he did start it...
"No," Sora said carefully, surprising himself and making Riku's stomach jolt.
"Well then, why would your straight sex gross me out?"
Sora shrugged, "I just figured since you didn't like girls..."
"They're alright. But that's definitely enough sex talk in my kitchen. Wanna shred this cheese?"
Sora obeyed and turned to work at the counter. As he switched on the cook-top, Riku could still feel something stirring inside of him. Why is he so curious? Maybe...Stop thinking about him like that!
"Hey, Riku?" Sora said again.
"Yeah?"
"You said romantically, Isolation is winning? But what about, just in general?"
"I think...Intimacy has taken over," Riku said, and smiled as he realized that it was the first time since he graduated high school that this was true. Sora, you've got such a hold on me.
"Take me somewhere special."
"Special how?"
"Like, almost where you'd take a date, but not quite."
"Where I'd take a date?"
"Maybe first date. Just somewhere that says something about you."
That was Sora's request. So now they were kneeling in front of a crate of used records, laughing as the soft-rock likes of Phil Collins and Air Supply were pulled from the box. The warm glow of the track lighting above played with their features in very becoming ways, drawing a gentle flush to both sets of cheeks and inviting the boys to sit closer together than necessary.
"I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you. I know you were right, believing for so long," Sora crooned, arms stretched in a dramatic reach for Riku.
The recipient of Sora's mock serenade laughed appreciatively, "So, we're taking Air Supply."
Riku added the record to a growing stack, having decided to take the store up on its promotion that meant each record would cost one dollar, instead of two, if you bought ten. As he looked up, something familiar glanced across his vision. Sora turned his head and followed Riku's stare.
"That's Mr. Leonhart," he whispered.
"Oh yeah. I thought he looked familiar."
"And that's a lot of leather," Sora commented, eyebrows raised.
The young brunette started to get up, but stopped midway as his former teacher and soccer coach went straight for the front counter. Riku instantly knew why he was at the store, but Sora's eyes widened as Squall leaned across and whispered in the fair clerk's ear. Cloud smiled the sort of smile that only someone you love very much can ever bring out and their hands met on the glass surface. Then Sora looked away and Riku was aware that his friend was watching for him signs of longing or jealousy.
I really do want that...
"What?"
"Did you know?"
Riku shook his head, "Nah, he kind of kept to himself, didn't he?"
"You should have seen him give it to some of those refs at our tournaments though," Sora said, shrugging. "They look happy..."
Riku nodded, "Yeah, they really do."
A soft, reflective hush fell over the two friends. Riku absently ran his fingers over the spines of shelved record covers, and Sora watched the slender digits in their nimble work until he broke the silence.
"So, okay. I know this is nice and all, but you're holding back. There must be something more revealing about this place..."
"Why? You now know of my secret admiration for Cheap Trick."
"You have that distracted, should-I-let-him-in, what-if-he-thinks-it's-nothing look."
Riku looked slightly horrified, "I do not."
"You're so obvious, Ri."
Only to you...
"You don't know what you're talking about," Riku sighed.
"I swear, I won't think it's stupid."
Riku groaned as he stood, stiff from having held a position on the hardwood floor for the past half-hour. He offered Sora his hand, hoisting the smaller boy off the ground and in briefly into his chest. Sora blushed and took a wobbly step away, then he followed Riku to the back of the store.
Riku sifted through the alphabetically arranged music until he came to an empty slot, "There. Bob Dylan. The only thing I really want in this whole store and it's never once been here."
"Well, his stuff is pretty popular. Who's going just to pawn it?"
"I know. It's like this little divider is here just to taunt me."
"Jeez, Riku. You sound like your life depends on an old record."
"Well, I may never find my true love...I need something," Riku joked, but couldn't stop from thinking that maybe he placed some symbolic emphasis on finding the music.
Sora ignored the sarcasism, "Why pick something so unattainable, Riku?"
Riku shrugged, "It would just be nice to finally have it in my hands."
"But couldn't you be just as happy with a hundred other records? I mean, there's a copy of freaking Abbey Road behind the front counter. That's pretty amazing."
"I knew you'd think it was silly."
"I do not!" Sora cried. "I'm just trying to understand why it means so much."
"I just...It seems hopeless right? For once I want to find that things aren't as hopeless as they seem."
Sora smiled, "You'll get the record eventually, Riku."
"Yeah...So now that you know what a loser I am for basing my faith in the world on a record, I think you should take me somewhere special."
Sora's cheeks reddened, "I don't have anywhere special."
"You must."
Sora shook his head.
"Now who's got the I-want-to-let-you-in-but-you'll-think-it's-stupid look?"
Sora had gotten quite used to answering Riku's phone during the day when he worked nights. He had chatted with his friend's mother more than once in the two week span of his stay. Lovely woman. She was always glad to talk to him, telling him more often than necessary that he made her son very happy, but still Sora sometimes felt that she was holding something back when they spoke. Her laughter was nervous and her words carefully chosen, as if she was trying not to give away a secret.
But when Kairi phoned, and he saw his own name on the call display, he nearly didn't answer. Why now? I don't know what to say to her anymore. Aren't we finished? Is that why she's calling? During the first week of waiting, he would have pounced on the phone in an instant, but by the end of the second, he was resigned to the fact that her call could only bring bad news and open the wounds all over again.
But we need to sort this out.
A strange surge of obligation made him reach for the phone though, "Hello."
"Sora?"
"Yeah. Kairi?"
"How are you honey?"
"I'm okay..." was the sceptical response.
"You're at Riku's?"
Sora's eyes narrowed, not caring for the dismissive manner in which she posed the question. "Yeah. I am," he answered strongly.
"Okay...Is everything all right with him?"
"Yeah, we're good."
"Well, I'm moving back in with my parents at the end of the month. So I need you to come get the rest of your stuff."
Sora's head pounded slightly. The realization their home was beginning abandoned stung, "Oh...I guess Riku and I can come by next week."
"Right...I miss you, Sora."
Sora didn't answer. The statement was so unexpected that he couldn't comprehend it. Kairi didn't make sense to him anymore. They'd lost their connection. How could she claim she missed him? He suddenly thought of Riku. They had an understanding. Riku missed me too, before all this...He still looks so lonely.
"Can I come see you?" Kairi's voice came over the phone after several moments of his silence.
"Uhh, maybe."
"Are you still mad at me?"
"It's not that."
Sora distractedly hung up the phone without waiting for her response. Suddenly he saw their relationship for the sham that it had always been. They were together because they both got good grades, were athletic, possessed enviable looks...Because it was expected of them, and they always lived up to expectations.
He could hear in Kairi's voice that she missed not him, but being a part of that perfect relationship. Maybe even now she sensed the opportunity to show that she pull something more beautiful still out of her tragedy.
In spite of this, Sora felt a certain responsibility to her. If she had called right back, he would have been compelled to answer. And he did, when she phoned the next day, and the day after.
"Kairi calls now," Sora said, shrugging as he rolled down the window.
Riku got the distinct impression that Sora had waited until right when the traffic demanded nothing but the fullest of his attention to deliver the news. This was evident despite his attempt at nonchalance. Riku waved a pedestrian along the crosswalk that passed his exit, straining his neck to search for a break in the stream of traffic. Hurry up! They were driving to Riku's parents' house for dinner, something that always put the silver-haired boy on edge. They better not get carried away...
"Yeah?" he finally answered, seeing the light at the intersection before theirs turn red.
"She says she -"
"Hang on," Riku warned and Sora braced himself as the car caught the edge of the curb.
"Fuck, Riku," Sora swore, rubbing his neck. "I thought you were supposed to be a good driver."
"I am a good driver," Riku said quickly, refusing to meet Sora's eyes. He wasn't sure why, but he really didn't care to hear about Kairi right now. Sora was just getting settled. I thought things were going okay. But Sora pressed on and Riku was tempted to slam his head against the steering wheel.
"She says she sorry."
"Of course she's sorry."
"I told her I was sorry."
"Are you?" Riku kept his responses short in a rueful attempt to end their conversation.
"You're in a bad mood. I thought you'd be happy."
"Well, how I am supposed to know how to react? I'm letting you live with me so that you can avoid her and now you're telling me you've been talking to her for days."
"But it's good, isn't it?"
"That's for you to decide, Sora."
"Would you rather I didn't try to fix the most important relationship of my life?"
Riku gritted his teeth, "Now you're being ridiculous."
Sora pressed his lips together, stubbornly at first, but quickly relented, "You're right. I'm sorry."
Riku nodded, turning the car on to an exit ramp. He could feel Sora watching him, but tried to ignore it, his expression set.
"Are you gonna tell me what's wrong?" Sora coaxed.
"Nothing's wrong."
"Riku..."
"It's nothing, really. I'm sorry too. No more arguing, I swear."
Sora smiled, "Good."
With a sigh that released any resentment that he may have still harboured, Riku reached up and popped open the sunroof. They drove the rest of the way without speaking, arms dangling out of windows, catching the current created by the movement of the car. Silence appealed to both of them right now.
They had remained settled in a rather satisfactory routine despite Kairi's disruption. While Riku was at work, Sora rested and occasionally accepted Kairi's phone calls. Sometimes he found all that resting to be quiet exhausting. It wasn't until Riku came home that he really had energy. Sora came alive as they spent their evening stealing sexless kisses and flirtatiously curling up on the couch. Riku was surprised at how easy it be appeared to be to keep Sora happy. Thank God...It could have been awful. I hate when he's sad.
As July wore on, the summer seemed to hit its stride and the days were so long that it was light out even as Riku came home from his evening shifts. And so hot that you could sit perfectly still and sweat in spite of your inactivity. In the sweltering weather, neither boy really cared for any piece of clothing that was not absolutely essential to retaining one's modesty. Riku often stripped a state of undress tantamount to Sora's as soon as he got in the door.
"We need freezies," Sora observed, clad in low slung boxers and holding a frosted glass of water.
Riku fought the pull Sora's hip bones had on his eyes. Already working on the buttons of his dress shirt, he said, "What we really need is air conditioning."
"Freezies..." Sora said demandingly.
"What about your diet?"
"Are you saying I'm fat?" Sora questioned, mockingly pinching at his stomach.
"Shut up," Riku laughed, placing his hand on Sora's sweat filmed shoulder as he walked past him and to the living room. "I meant your healthy eating kick."
"Oh that's for me," Sora said, catching Riku as he eyed the blinking answering machine. "And I recorded us a message. Listen."
Sora pressed a button and the tape sounded, "Hi, you've reached Riku and Sora. Leave us a message."
Riku shook his head in defeat, "My mother always did love you more." But secretly he didn't mind that every last token of his more solitary existence was slipping away.
Contented, they fell to the couch in the positions that had become so familiar to them over the past week. Sora looked up at the ceiling fan, seeking the small relief provided by moving air. In temperatures like these though, fans do little more than displace the hot air. Riku was already reaching behind him as his bare skin stuck to the sofa.
"Is it from Kairi?"
Sora nodded.
While living with Sora had never ceased to be a pleasing experience, Riku couldn't ignore just how much time Sora now spent talking to Kairi. They had lengthy conversations about Kairi's summer job and Sora's plans for the next year, but carefully avoided any talk of abortions or new living arrangements. Occasionally though, they spoke of their relationship and Riku could overhear Sora agreeing with something, determined and reluctant all at once.
"Are you two getting back together or what?"
Sora shrugged.
"Come on, Sora, you can tell me. Don't you think I have the right to know after everything?"
"But I don't know, Riku. I mean, when we talk, her voice so comforting and familiar and I miss her. And she says such sweet things, tempting things. But in the back of my mind, I don't believe them. She just doesn't like being the pretty girl without a boyfriend...Still, I feel like I owe it to her, if that's what she wants."
"Sora, that's noble of you, but I don't think you owe her anything."
"It was my fault really...I mean, I got her pregnant."
"It's no one's fault," Riku answered.
"I fucked everything up so badly."
"It'll get better."
You said that before...
"I have to be there for her," Sora was looking up at Riku earnestly for affirmation. "She's alone right now. Her friends don't understand. No one does."
Riku narrowed his eyes, "You need to take care of yourself too, Sora." He couldn't shake his misgivings.
Sora nodded and suddenly, as if considering a future trying to please Kairi stole at his heart, he felt desperate for affection, "Kiss me."
Riku's heart ached at the needy request, "Sora...we shouldn't." Please don't. I can't help myself when you...
Against his wishes, Sora's lips were on his. Fuck...Oh god. It wasn't a brief, motiveless kiss either. Sora's tongue was prying his lips apart, demanding entrance for the first time. But everything about it felt like an apology. I'm sorry I lied. I'm sorry that things aren't different. I'm sorry I have to leave.
Even as Sora moved his possessions out of Kairi's apartment, he began to spend more time with her. She seemed to relish in the chance to show just what a forgiving, resilient person she was. So patient with the boy who had misjudged her so harshly. But Sora was privately getting rather tired of being carted around to Kairi's job, to a cousin's wedding, on countless double dates. They never spent any time alone, not that he was sure he wanted to. Still, all those fake smiles and appeasing attempts at polite conversation wore on him.
And Kairi neglected to notice just how the sight of children running now affected Sora. How sad he looked when the couple next to them in the theatre set their small daughter between them, smiling lovingly at her. Things like that didn't bother him as much when he was around Riku it seemed. Under Kairi's omnipotent presence though, they tore at his heart and left him bitter.
Coming home to Riku was a relief, but even that had been tainted by Kairi's need for attention and self-satisfaction. I miss you...It had obscured their relationship with uncertainty and caution. Riku now insisted that Sora sleep in the other bedroom. But, nothing's changed...Tender kisses were no longer carelessly tossed his way. Their conversation was suddenly restrained and formal. Only occasionally, when he was feeling too depressed to turn down affection, did Riku return Sora's flirtations. All the comfort and effortlessness of it was lost.
Now Riku regarded the other boy with hesitancy and ambivalence. This was the same person whose voice and name were on his answering machine. The same one whose toothbrush was next to Riku's. The boy who had shared his bed for the past week. But he had chosen Kairi. Duty and responsibility, but still Kairi, over all of Riku's attempts to make him happy.
"How's Kairi?"
Riku posed the question as he looked up from his book to see Sora come through the door. He smirked as the other boy shrugged. Riku didn't know what he was feeling. Maybe jealously. He liked to think it was concern. It could have been possessiveness, resentment, fear...
Whatever it was, it made him careful to distance himself from Sora now. They were strictly roommates.
Sora stood at the living room's edge, unsure of how welcome his approach would be. From this perspective, he felt his stomach twist at the sight of bills strewn across the coffee table. "I'm going to start looking for a job," he promised.
"Just...do whatever you want," was Riku's stoic response. I can't keep thinking about you...
Sora bit his lower lip at this neglect and made a motion to move closer, "Riku, I'm sorry that I haven't been around much."
The older boy shrugged carelessly, stopping Sora in his tracks, but this apology bothered him more than he let on. Why did he miss Sora's presence so?
"I know you have things to take care of," he said, trying to remain indifferent.
"But you've done so much for me and I just dropped everything for Kairi. I really am sorry."
Then Sora's arms were wrapped around him and Riku felt guilty for being so unmindful. Sora was instantly wriggling back into his heart. He hadn't even noticed when the brunette had closed the distance between them, but the contact slowly began to set off all sorts of alarms in his head. He stood up, breaking Sora's grip on his midsection.
"Sora, we can't do this. It won't help anything."
"I care about you Riku. Let me show it. Like you've done for me."
"This is different," Riku said, looking sadly to his left at nothing but his own shoulder.
"Why is it different?"
"You have a girlfriend."
"We're still trying to figure things out. And this is just friendship, just comfort and understanding. Why won't you let yourself have that?"
"I'm not going to argue about this with you," Riku said, standing to leave. Because in truth, he was afraid. Sora's relationship with Kairi was so fragile. He knew this from the eager way Sora had embraced him. Riku couldn't encourage Sora. It wasn't just comfort and understanding. It can't just be friendship. There was a very real possibility now, at least in Riku's mind, that Sora would leave Kairi for him. It scared him more than anything.
"Riku..."
Sora had grabbed his wrist as he stood frozen with anxiety. The touch now felt like it was setting Riku's entire arm on fire. He gasped as he pulled away.
"Sora, I won't do anything that would risk your relationship with Kairi."
"Kairi never stopped you before."
Riku's face fell in guilt. I took advantage of everything. He silently cursed the way Sora always deciphered his intentions, "Things are different now Sora. If you don't understand how...Then just trust me. They are."
Riku wanted someone to talk to. He wanted that all the while that Sora was at college. Then Sora came back and he had found it. But now, he needed someone to talk to about Sora. How did I end up so alone?
Instead he went to a bar and threw himself into the most crowded part of the dance floor. He hated the music they were playing, but loved the way multiple sets of hands grabbed at his body. He felt wanted again as he grinded with a small, blonde girl. The lights were spinning before Riku's eyes as her hands found his hips and she made him forget about Sora briefly.
Then she was pulling him into a quieter corner, but Riku didn't want that.
He hadn't told Sora that he was going out. He would start to worry soon.
"I've got to go," he said, twisting out of her grasp.
"You just got here," she lied.
"I'll see you around." He could lie too.
This time Sora was the one waiting for him, "Are you drunk?"
"Nah..."
Sora frowned in evaluation, "Come to bed, Riku."
This time it was Sora who tucked Riku in. Under the influence of so much alcohol, Riku didn't protest when Sora slipped in next to him. With clouded judgment, he found himself curling into Sora's chest immediately. He traced a shaky circle around Sora's exposed navel, making himself dizzy and the other boy shudder.
"I miss this, Riku," Sora began, his chin protectively positioned against the top of Riku's head. Something about Riku's intoxicated state, those glazed eyes and all that messy silver hair, seemed to invite confession. "You make me feel so much more loved than Kairi ever did. I..."
Sora continued his monologue even as Riku's breathing leveled against his chest and the exhausted boy slipped into a deep sleep.
Sora should have seen their fight coming from miles away. The more Kairi lavished him with poorly aimed affection, the more he resented her. Now they were sitting in her parent's basement, and she was shooting fake smiles at Sora, making him cringe. Finally, after a tepid few weeks, they were alone and Sora had never heard anything more awkward than her oblivious attempts at conversation.
Couldn't she see how she magnified his pain?
Then her lips were on his neck and she was moving on top of him, immediately being pushed away.
"Kairi, we shouldn't." He couldn't say no to being there for her, to putting on a brave face for others if that was what made her happy, but he felt completely right in refusing her advances.
She only seemed to take his reluctance as a challenge. Her hands were crawling across Sora's chest and slipping under his shirt even as he squirmed to get away.
"Kairi, I'm serious. Get off," he ordered with such conviction that she stopped and looked up at him, but there was no trace of shame in her eyes.
"Don't you want to go back to the way things were?"
"How can you do this? After everything..."
"You think it was easy Sora? I didn't sleep for a week after. I couldn't stop shaking for two days. My nerves were shot. And then you freaked out. You made me feel guilty. Like I was some sort of murderer!" Kairi was losing her composure now, angrily flinging accusations at Sora. "How could have even suggested that I should have kept the child? Did you even start to think about my life? You just-"
"Well at least it was your choice!" Sora finally cut her off.
"Some fucking choice. Look how you're behaving now. Do you honestly think you're mature enough to be a father?"
Sora opened his mouth to retort, but bit his lip instead. He hadn't intended to make Kairi this upset, really he hadn't. It was just that they both knew they couldn't go back to the way things were. He couldn't really understand why she would want to.
Now, for fear of hurting Kairi more, he attempted to make a wordless exit.
"That's right, go to Riku! You're too fucking stupid to see that he's wanted this all along, aren't you, Sora?"
"What are you on about now?" Sora spun back around, tossing Kairi an angry look.
Kairi's hands were fisted and shaking at her sides, "He never approved of our relationship. Always thought you should be with him, not me."
"You're insane," Sora said in disbelief and walked away.
"How can you just leave?"
He heard the shrill voice behind him and frowned. Didn't she understand how he had tried and how they had failed?
"You're better off without this."
And it was true. He had known all along that it would be.
So Kairi thought Riku wanted him. The notion hadn't left his mind all day and the minute Riku walked in the door, Sora threw himself against the older male, pressing their bodies together in a depravedly needy embrace. He didn't care that he was kissing another boy. It was Riku. He's gorgeous. His hands were clawing up Riku's back and into the sweat-damp but silken hair at the back of his neck. In this position Sora balanced on his tiptoes and deepened their kiss, open mouthed and desperate. He needed to know if it was more than just friendship that made him care so deeply for Riku.
Sora...Oh God...And Riku kissed back, at once recognizing what Sora was searching for. He didn't want to fight it anymore. He wanted to show Sora exactly how he felt. I've wanted this for so long. His own arms were around Sora's waist, holding the slender frame against him and cherishing their closeness. They were finally together, all obligation to Kairi forgotten, and Sora was folding into him in ways that only released all the feelings that Riku had kept hidden. It felt so good to be wanted like that, to know that Sora was ready to be something more with him.
Already feeling painfully desperate, Riku pushed the brunette to the couch in a covetous straddle. Everything about it was hungry and eager. Right there...Their hands and tongues were memorizing each other in the most exhaustive and hasty ways. You taste so good. Riku was working the dip in Sora's collar bone now, giving the young boy freedom to moan and whisper enticing promises.
"I'm done with Kairi," Sora breathed what his kiss had already conveyed to Riku.
As he said it, Riku's hands found his hips and forced them up, bridging the small space between their crotches, as if to remind Sora what awaited him.
Sora writhed, groaning as the contact sent a sharp jolt through his yearning body, "She said you wanted me all along. I told her she was crazy."
Riku smirked against Sora's shoulder, then slid his frame along Sora's in a way that made the younger boy gasp as his blood rushed to the area between his legs. Oh fuck...Please. His body was now telling his mind that this couldn't possibly stop now. He was going to sleep with his best friend. Take me...He did want Riku. He wanted him so badly that the pit of stomach ached with the desire.
Riku paid immediate attention to Sora's hardening arousal, his hand slipping under the elastic of the boy's boxers before he could even whimper a plea to be touched. Kairi had never been that responsive and Sora was so sensitive in that moment that he immediately bucked into his friend's hand, desperate to gain the rapture it offered. I want it all...Riku's fingers were so warm around him that Sora closed his eyes against a hot ache, his entire being strained with lust. He could his face flushing, but only moaned for more. I need it now. We can't stop...
But the more of Riku's touch that he got, the more aware Sora became of the fact that there was something strange about the way Riku's forehead was still pressed against his shoulder. The position, with his face buried in Sora's soft skin, permitted Riku to avoid the pleading, cerulean eyes that were searching for his. Why won't he look at me? I want him to...Sora ran an idle hand up Riku's back and felt how tight the muscles were, so constricted. Riku was strained with urgency as he pumped Sora a little harder.
This is wrong. Sora didn't want urgency; he wanted to take things slow. He had never done this before and he longed to draw it out. He needed time to cherish the new sensations. Not yet...
"Riku..." Sora choked, both at the tension he felt in Riku's body and at the way Riku's hand was tightening around him, the motions speeding up. He was going too fast. Sora was trying to hold back his orgasm, he didn't want it like this, but he knew it wouldn't be much longer. "Riku..." his voice was a desperate, questioning hiss. "Please..."
But the preoccupied boy didn't answer. Instead, he skillfully brushed his fingers over a very sensitive spot that Kairi had never paid much attention, eliciting the stifled moan that he was looking for. Sora thrust his hips forward, now against his will, as Riku continued to work him. No...
It had become a tortuous battle for the brunette. He wanted to make the moment last, to see it through. He wanted to go all the way with Riku. He knew it would be over too soon if he allowed Riku's ministrations to kept up, but they were so forceful that he didn't dare move. It was his own fault. He was so slick, it only made it easier. Riku controlled him completely. I can't take it...
He couldn't pull away. He couldn't beg Riku to stop. He couldn't even beg Riku to continue. All he could do was breathlessly push himself into Riku's touch.
At that Sora was brought to a climax that was a strange mix of repression, struggle, and poorly contained threw his head back, his entire body arching up one last time before relaxing under Riku, whose next actions scared Sora more than death. As Sora felt himself go limp, the tension that remained in every inch of Riku's sinewy body was ever more apparent. Now lying still, Sora could feel, clouded as his ability to do so was in the wake of his orgasm, that Riku's body was shaking more than his had just been.
"Riku, what it is?"
The voice was so distant. Riku felt like he was falling, his head slinking down Sora's body in an endless, downward slide. He could feel all at once Sora breathing heavily, the result of his touches, and Sora trying to sink farther into the couch out of confusion or embarrassment or whatever he could possibly feel after that. Riku's own face was flushed with heat and lust and shame. Eventually his forehead came to rest on Sora's abdomen, his tears dampening the other boy's skin as he swore, then whispered through gritted teeth, "This can't ever happen again."
"Fuck!" Riku swore, voice breaking even as he spat the word. He gripped his hands in his long, tangled hair and squeezed his eyes shut against the sting of tears. He was certain that Sora heard, still lying on the couch swimming in misunderstanding and the mess it had left. Riku was frustrated with himself for letting things go so far. How could I be so stupid? Hadn't he promised not to fall for anyone?
But Sora was just so irresistible. All sweetness and innocence turned to lust and desperation. Sora... Perfect blue eyes, suddenly bright with enticement and desire. Kissable lips, tight body. It fit against Riku so perfectly that it still made him ache, longing for the impassioned pressure. He finally had something real in his life. It killed him to realize that it couldn't last. I've ruined it all, for what?
He had known all along that if Sora ever returned his affection with the slightest semblance of longing, he would give into his desires completely. He couldn't precisely remember the moment when he realized he felt that way about his best friend. Probably when Sora went off to college. The exuberant brunette had been a continual presence in his life until then. When Sora left, suddenly Riku missed everything about him. His effortless beauty was easy to overlook when you were around it everyday. He didn't possess the sort of shocking grace that Riku did. But there was something incredibly serene about his presence. Riku needed it in his life. When Sora returned, it was torture and fortune all at once.
Why couldn't something go right, just for once?
Angrily now, Riku wiped away that tears wouldn't stop falling. It's my fault. He didn't know what else to do. He wanted to break something, smash everything he could get his hands on. He wanted to kiss Sora, chastely like they used to. He wanted to screw the boy senseless. He felt weak with this urge. Oh God, did he want to give in. No one needs to know. It would be over before it could be undone.
But instead he fell against the bed, body twisting in anguish as he bounced with the disturbed mattress. Riku pounded his fist into the springs beneath, only stopping when he realized he was starved for oxygen. Still crying he forced himself to take several choking breaths and suddenly his entire body felt drained. He could barely lift his hand now.
Sora chose this time to attempt to open his door, hastily turning the knob back and forth, before giving up and banging. I'm sorry, Sora...Riku knew the locked door must have hurt, especially with emotions heightened as they were. It had always been open before. He felt an incredible amount of guilt for leading Sora on and then leaving him without comfort or explanation. We couldn't have continued down that path.
"Riku! Open the door."
The boy on the mattress could only pull a pillow over his head. It merely muffled Sora's cries very slightly.
"Riku, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. Just please open the door."
The sound of Sora's apology made Riku's chest constrict. It wasn't right. Sora had nothing to apologize for. No, I wanted it. If you hadn't, I would have... Riku had toyed with the boundaries of their friendship from that first night with Sora. Since they entered high school if he was honest. When he sensed that Sora would leave Kairi, he went out and got drunk, knowing full well all he wanted was an excuse to let Sora hold him. He had asked for this in so many ways. The blame fell entirely on his shoulders.
"Riku, please...I didn't know it would upset you like this. I didn't mean for it to. I just thought..."
From under the cover of his pillow, Riku silently urged Sora to continue. What was he thinking? That it would be an easy way to forget about Kairi? That it was just the next step in their poorly bounded friendship? That Riku had invited it all along? That Riku had wanted it more than anything? Did he really know what he was doing? Could he have possibly wanted it too?
But Sora didn't continue. After several wordless moments, Riku heard him shuffle off to the guest room dejectedly.
The only thought that even came close to calming Riku's nerves now, was that at least he was working days tomorrow. He could wake up and leave before Sora had a chance to confront him. And then, when he got home, who could say for certain if Sora would still be there?
Sora squeezed his eyes shut, protesting the morning. He didn't want to wake up. His desperate hope that everything was just a dream was quickly shattering. He moaned as the tangible world left him sick to the stomach.
Outside his door he could hear Riku moving, brisk and purposeful. The smell of coffee burnt Sora's nose in his small room, just off the kitchen. It was being made Riku's way. Strong and black as black itself.
What was he thinking last night? What is he thinking now? He must hate me...Or...
The pained look in Riku's eyes was still on the very surface of Sora's mind. It made him nauseous all over again to think that he made Riku feel that way. All Riku had ever done was try to help him. Everything was going so well...
In the back of Sora's mind, however, a strange notion was forming. Something was wrong with Riku. His embrace had been too full of longing, his kiss much too needy for him have stopped of his own accord. He had to have wanted it. We've connected so much in the past month. It was bound to lead there. Sora was waiting now, with open ears, for Riku to leave the apartment. Then he crept along the hallway, through Riku's room and into the en suite. With unnecessary care, he opened the medicine cabinet.
From his first day at Riku's, he had gotten the impression that whatever was hidden behind the mirror was off limits. Riku had pointedly mentioned that there was a spare drawer in the vanity for Sora's belongings. But now Sora put his need to know before Riku's privacy. He shuffled the contents around, occasionally picking up bottles. Shaving cream. Tylenol. Allergy medication. Hair products, Feel and Shine. Under normal circumstances this last find would have amused Sora.
Instead he felt himself deflate. There wasn't anything indicative of a medical ailment. This was good of course, but Sora felt slightly stupid for thinking this now. Riku's body had always felt so strong, full of vitality, against his. There couldn't possibly be anything wrong with him. He looked so healthy.
Sora slunk into the chair in Riku's study. He had planned to go back to his bed, but the corridor suddenly seemed to stretch forever. He was trying to force himself to come to grips with the fact that he had misread the situation. He felt a painful sense of embarrassment. Kairi put an idea in his head, a ridiculous, dangerous notion, and he had foolishly let it become something more. I'm such a fucking idiot. I know I wanted him, but to come onto him like that? What's wrong with me? There was no way Riku wanted him back. Beautiful, stunning Riku could have anyone.
But even as Sora reasoned with himself, doubt continued to nag at the corner of his thoughts. Still searching, he reached for the bottom drawer on the desk in front of him. He knew it was hopeless, but be began to dig through a pile of bills and pay stubs and pictures.
A glossy photo of a blonde girl posing with Riku caught Sora's eye. The last girl-friend that Sora remembered Riku having looked extremely content with the moment, failing to notice the very slight anxiety that showed on Riku's face. It was so vaguely apparent, that Sora was certain no one other than him, not even the girl herself, could have detected it from looking at the picture. Those sad eyes. He hides it so well though... Why did Riku appear ill at ease, even standing in a beautifully flowered park, with his gorgeous, amiable-looking girlfriend? There was an obvious reason for Riku's discontentment, she was a girl, but Sora was certain that it was something more.
Sora couldn't recall the details that surrounded their relationship, other than that it happened during Riku's last year of high school and continued into his first year of university. Riku had remained somewhat mysterious about it, especially regarding the events of their break-up. But then, Sora had seen quite a few girls come and go without much circumstance. I guess it's easy when nothing's real...Frowning at whatever Riku was struggling with in the photo, Sora tossed the captured moment aside.
It was a while before Sora found anything else of interest. Eventually though, he found a picture of Riku that existed in complete contradiction of the last one. Sitting on some sort of stand outside, well distanced from the smattering of fans in attendance, Riku looked completely at peace. The wind had obviously been playing with his hair in ways that made for a very becoming sight. One that the photographer couldn't help but capture, though Sora was sure that Riku hadn't been aware of this.
Against the dull silver of the bleachers, the lustre and softness of Riku's locks were ever more apparent. His thin lips were pulled into a very slight, but still very satisfied smile. He looked absolutely enthralled by whatever he was watching, even though the pale aqua of his eyes was obscured by a set of very black eyelashes as Riku squinted against the sun and wind.
Then a familiar scoreboard in the background of the photo caught Sora's attention and he felt a strange jolt as he realized what Riku was watching. Someone had taken this picture at one of their high school's soccer games, the brunette was sure of it. The person Riku was staring at with that half-amused, half-deeply in love look had to be him.
Sora carefully placed the revealing picture on the desk and resumed shifting through the pile with a mix of certainty and apprehension. There must be something else in here...He knew now that Riku hadn't stopped their encounter last night because he didn't want them to do those things together. It made Sora desperate to learn the real reason. But everything about that picture was flawless. Everything about the way Riku felt about him in that stolen moment was perfect. Sora didn't want it to shatter.
But it was going to. He knew it had to. Nothing could be that effortless and simple.
With trembling hands Sora picked up an envelope, the return address in the left corner that of a clinic. It occurred to him that he was moving to extract the letter inside with excruciating slowness. He wasn't ready for his world to break just yet. Riku was all that held it together.
Then he unfolded the worn, white page and felt his head spin. No! He had to have fallen into a nightmare. It couldn't be happening. But the way his stomach knotted was overwhelming and real. He rushed to the bathroom, one hand over his mouth, the other still holding an affirmative letter shakily. He was afraid he would vomit from the sinking feeling in his midsection.
The paper looked remarkably like the Statement of Results he had received from his college. It was indisputable and all-knowing, with its heraldry and office. Both documents could provide you with an enormous sense of relief, or send everything crashing down around you. In this moment though, Sora was painfully aware of which paper was more important. More life-altering. Your marks were nothing compared to this.
HIV - positive.
And you've just failed the most important test of your life.
"Riku, you look terrible. Are you sure you're okay to work today?"
"I'm fine," he answered thoughtlessly.
The response had become automatic throughout the morning. Do I really look that bad? Frowning, he pushed his chair away from the lunch table and went through a heavy door into the bathroom. He turned the lock as he faced the mirror and saw his eyes widen. The night before seemed like it had never happened by the time morning had come. Riku had lain in his bed feeling removed from the rest of the world. It was as if he was drifting in and out of consciousness, but looking at his reflection now, he was sure he hadn't slept a single minute.
The whites of his eyes were streaked blood-red in a way that reminded Riku of how much they ached at present. Shit...Crying, lack of sleep, staring at a computer screen for three hours. All this had combined to make his eyes threaten to fall out of his head at any moment. He closed them as he sunk along the bathroom wall and to the floor. Again his head was pounding. It could have been the result of any of the hundred abject emotions he was experiencing; worthlessness, remorse, abandonment, desperation. It could have been the side-effects of the protease inhibitor he had taken before lunch.
He felt like crying again. He just wanted so badly for it to go away. The thought of living with the disease, the thought of how it was ruining his relationship with Sora, was more than he could tolerate. Just when he was starting to cope, it had torn into everything in the most destructive way. He could stand the restrictions it placed on his lifestyle when it was just him, but with Sora in the picture, the limits were painfully amplified.
Sora. Riku wondered what he was doing now. He couldn't have guessed that in the en suite of his apartment, the brunette's posture mirrored his own in that very same instant. They were both reeling under the oppressive hand of the disease and each longed for the other's touch, fearing it at the same time. Part of Riku ached for Sora's presence, part of Sora wanted Riku to come home. Neither could fathom how to approach the other.
Riku carefully began to consider the notion of telling Sora everything. It was tempting and terrifying all at once. The secret had been easy to keep when Riku didn't owe anyone an explanation. Now that Sora had shattered his illusion of solitude, he felt a frightening desire to confess seeping into his mind. We're best friends...
If he was honest, he wanted to go home and crawl into Sora's waiting arms. He wanted to be told that it didn't matter. He was still the same person. There was nothing wrong with him. Everything would be alright.
Or maybe he wanted Sora to cry over him. Sob and holler and refuse to believe it. And then Riku would comfort Sora. He would wrap the trembling brunette up in a tight embrace and say the things that he wasn't sure he believed. Soothing, fanciful words that really revealed more about his fears than his certainties. It would a much needed release.
But what if Sora didn't want to let Riku hold him? Touch him? Look at him?
What if he thought Riku was some sort of strung-out pervert? That's what everyone thought, right? HIV is for drug addicts and whores. Riku knew, as he forced his already aching head back against the tiled wall, that he was fooling himself to think anyone would accept him like this.
I can't tell him. Not after I took advantage of him like that...It would scared the shit out of him. He'd hate me.
The phone rang and Sora pulled his stiff body off the hard linoleum. If he hadn't been hoping that there was a very slight possibility of Riku calling, he wouldn't have forced himself to get up at all.
How long had he sat like that for? But he had no use for time now. It doesn't matter. It couldn't be trusted. In some ways, Sora felt like the events of last night and this morning had happened so long ago that he couldn't actually be continuing exist in the same lifetime. Other times, he swore he could still feel Riku's fingertips running expertly over every last dip on his body, touches teeming with want. Everything was somehow both distance and incredibly present.
The caught-in-between feeling made Sora feel like he was on the verge of committing suicide. The world seemed so fragile. He was wobbling on some broken bridge, precariously balanced on an unstable, metal rail. Everything could shatter in an instant if he made one wrong step. He could go either way. Move backwards, to safety, and struggle. Step ahead, to places unknown, and end all the suffering.
Riku had sleeping pills and painkillers that he hadn't felt the need to hide. Sora wondered, against his better judgment, if there was enough to overdose. Even now though, his intentions remained steadied by something. He didn't want to die. He knew all he would do was take enough pills to scare the shit out of Riku and land himself in the hospital. He wouldn't allow himself to follow that tempestuous path.
I promise you won't come home and find that I've slit my wrists in the bathroom, or something stupid like that.
Even in the shadow of such life-altering revelations, Sora meant to keep his vow.
So he picked himself up as the ringing telephone reminded him that his world had not actually ceased to exist. He could see from the display that it was not a call he cared to take. Kairi. Hadn't she gotten him into this mess?
But Sora knew he couldn't blame her. None of it was her fault. If anything, Sora felt a small rush of gratitude towards her. He would forgive her. She would find out that she had been right about Riku and feel vindicated enough to stop hating Sora. Kairi would move on and they would wave to each other around campus, but maintain their distance. But it wouldn't be so bad. Kairi would have her freedom and Sora would have Riku. He would help his friend deal with the disease that he struggled with alone for so long.
Now though, he was the one who needed help managing the crushing weight of it all. He needed to talk to someone. Not Kairi. It was vaguely tempting to answer the phone, but she wasn't a person Sora could trust with his emotions right now.
His doleful, blue eyes wandered away from the sight of Kairi's name, settling on the picture of Riku that he had left out in his haste to get to the bathroom. Such a perfect shot. The first notion that gripped Sora's mind was that Riku was far too beautiful, far too alive, to be so sick. Next he thought of who could have captured the moment so flawlessly. He initially believed it to be Kairi, but looking at it now, he knew there was no way Kairi would have given the picture to Riku. The boy, from behind blowing silver tresses, looked completely in love. Whoever took it, knew this well and wanted to make Riku similarly aware.
Glancing again at the scoreboard in the distance of the picture, an until recently long unmentioned name suddenly leapt to the forefront of Sora's mind. He hastened to dress and leave the apartment.
Public transit always provided Sora with an unexplainable sense of amusement. Riku hated it. He scowled the entire time as Sora made up stories to accompany people's journeys. The strangers appeared to live such interesting lives. Sora's own, before everything with Kairi, and now Riku, had been so mundane. Full of things that simply didn't need to be questioned.
Now though, he was stepping off of the bus and wondering what he was doing in this foreign neighbourhood? Did he even know where he was going? What would he do when he got there?
But before he had time to think the door in front of him was opening for the sake of his knock.
"Sora?"
A sense of relief flooded Sora. He hadn't been forgotten.
"Yeah," he said with an apologetic shrug. "Can I come in, Mr. Leonhart?"
"Of course. Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," Sora lied, stepping through the doorway. "Surprised to see me?"
Squall sighed, "Yes, but not really. Surprised to hear that?"
"Yeah...Why not?"
"Let's sit down, Sora. Do you want something to drink? You look hot."
Sora reached up, brushing sweat and hair off his brow. In his morning of tears and discovery, the world had seemed like such a cold place. The sun couldn't possibly still be shining. Sora had utterly forgotten about the heat wave and consequently, was far over-dressed.
"A drink would be great," he admitted.
Squall nodded, grabbing a can of pop from the fridge and handing it to Sora, who sat down at the kitchen table.
"Thanks, Mr. Leonhart."
"I think you can call me Squall now, Sora."
"Sorry, it's a habit. We did spend a lot of time together on that soccer field, didn't we?"
"Yeah, it's okay."
They fell into a brief silence as Sora opened his can and greedily swallowed the sweet liquid. It occurred to him only now, that it was well into the afternoon and he hadn't yet eaten. He silently willed his stomach not growl. He didn't want Squall to feel the need to feed him as well.
"This is good. Grape," Sora said in approval.
"It's not my favourite, but..."
"Girlfriend likes it?" Sora tested, watching for Squall's reaction.
Sora's pretty eyes narrowed at the smirk on Squall's lips as he said, "Something like that."
"More like, boyfriend?"
The smirk turned into an affection smile that tugged at Sora's heartstrings, "Yeah. He likes his sweets."
"I've seen him," Sora admitted shyly.
"Yeah?"
A nod, "At the record store near Riku's place. He's really gorgeous."
"Yeah, he is."
The smile on Squall's face was now so unrestrained that Sora couldn't help but feel a little bit better about life, "Look at you! You're actually blushing."
"Whatever. You're practically drooling at the thought of him and you know it."
"It's just funny. Riku told me about him before we got to the store, and it just seemed to solidify something. I wouldn't have usually allowed myself to look at another guy like that, but when I did, I saw something. And suddenly it was okay. Sorry, I can't believe I'm talking about your boyfriend that way!"
"It's okay. Something about Cloud invites that."
Sora nodded and reached into a pocket on his unnecessary jacket, "Hey, Squall...did you take this picture?"
A flicker of recognition crossed the grey eyes as they regarded the photo with quiet nostalgia, "Yeah, he was so crazy about you, Sora."
"Did he always look at me like that?"
"Pretty much."
"How could I not see it?"
"You had other things on your mind, Sora. It was probably best that way."
Sora felt something grip his heart, "No..."
"What?"
"It wasn't for the best. I wish I hadn't been so oblivious."
Squall pulled the length of his hair off his shoulders, "Sora, think of what people are like at that school. If they had found out that Riku had feelings for you, they would have beaten the shit out of you both. I don't exactly flaunt what I have with Cloud around that place. It would be asking for trouble."
But Sora wasn't listening, "He has HIV."
"What?"
"HIV." The letters sounded so foreign on his tongue and Sora realized how few times he'd actually said them aloud in his life.
"Fuck, Sora..."
"I think I'm crazy about him too..." Sora wasn't looking at Squall. He was speaking more for his own benefit now.
"Sora, you...Have you thought about this? I mean, I assume you've never felt anything for another man before."
"No, but it's Riku. You know he loves me. Why shouldn't I be with him?"
"But you had a girlfriend...Kairi, right?"
"She had an abortion."
"What?"
"Yeah..."
"Sora...You need to be careful with your emotions right now. Think about everything. Do you really want Riku, or are you trying to get back at Kairi?"
"I know," Sora said shakily, still not meeting Squall's stare. "At first I missed Kairi. I hated that what I had with her was changing. But then Riku was there and he cared for me when Kairi didn't. And when I actually questioned my relationship with Kairi, I realized we were together for the wrong reasons. She didn't love me Squall, not like Riku."
"But that doesn't mean that you're in love with him."
Sora was lost for words. He didn't know how to explain what Riku made him feel. The change had come so suddenly, but he didn't care. Idleness hadn't favoured his relationship with Kairi, despite how slowly they had taken things.
"Why did you come here, Sora?" Squall asked slowly.
"Because I knew you saw something that no one else did. And I needed someone to talk to," Sora finally allowed himself to meet Squall's brooding, grey-blue eyes. "I'm sorry. I'll go."
"No. Say whatever you need to, Sora. I'll listen."
Sora smiled somewhat bitterly, "I just want to know what to do next. Forget about how strongly I feel about him. I need to know how to help with everything else."
"If it was Cloud..." Squall began apprehensively, as if terrified to even think it. Sora appreciated Squall for allowing himself to consider such a situation more than he could say. "I would tell him that I know. And hopefully he would open up from there. But I mean, I can't tell you what to do. I can't even imagine what it's like. I hate this, Sora. In the back of my mind all I think about is how glad I am that Cloud isn't sick. But you're sitting right in front of me, looking like someone just stole everything you own. It's not fair."
"I'm fine," Sora managed with conviction that surprised even him. "Don't worry about me, Squall. You're right though, I need to tell Riku. Hiding it won't help anything."
"You were always such a good kid, Sora," Squall said with soft admiration. "You'll figure it out."
"You were always a good teacher," Sora returned. "Thanks, Squall."
Sora stood to leave, but stopped as Squall called after him, "Hey, if you guys ever need anything..."
Sora nodded, unable to express his gratitude. There had always existed a strange understanding between himself and Squall. He was glad for this now more than he had ever been before.
"Riku," Sora gasped, all measure of coherent thought dissolving at the sight of his friend. "You're here."
Riku's long body was somehow curled up into a tight ball on the couch. Once again the concept of time had been lost on Sora. He hadn't expected Riku to be home when he returned, even though it was well after six. The bus ride back had afforded Sora another opportunity to lose himself in his thoughts. He had developed a plan. There was so much that he knew he wanted to say to Riku, but the sight of those reddened eyes and all that tangled silver hair made him forget every carefully chosen word.
What was supposed to be a private thought escaped Riku's lips, "Sora, thank God."
The small expression of relief made Sora go weak. He wanted to touch Riku. Hold him until he stopped trembling. Feel his pale skin, soft, smooth and resilient. Inhale the nectarous scent of his hair. Make everything that was wrong go away.
The longing in Sora's unfailingly blue eyes made Riku feel an unwanted surge of guilt. This isn't right. Even as the brunette approached, Riku felt himself shake his head. If he knew...
"Sora, don't," Riku breathed, stiffening at the feeling of thin arms wrapped around his now upright waist.
"It's okay," Sora promised. "I just miss you."
Riku looked down at Sora's head buried in his stomach and couldn't repress thoughts of how tragically lovely the boy looked. Oh, Sora...You're gorgeous. The entire image was incredibly affecting. Sora's legs were twisted in an eerily graceful position over the area rug. His upper body had snaked up over the edge of the sofa to meet Riku's in a tight hug. His face, against Riku's abdomen, was so etched with emotion that Riku felt tears sting his own eyes. So torn-up and still determined. Eyes tightly shut and mouth set in a definite line. How can he still look so beautiful?
But even as Riku allowed his himself to take in Sora's desperate display of affection, his stomach ached with more than the pressure of the embrace.
He must know.
Riku was frozen in the hug. In so many ways, he wanted to pull Sora up, off of the floor and into his arms. But when he finally did act, he reached behind himself and pried Sora's grip on his body apart. Sora stared up at him with questioning eyes and Riku felt a terrible anger course through him. It was all so unfair. Even in this moment when Sora meant everything to him, Riku resented the entire situation. He took it out on Sora.
"I suppose you want to know which it is now."
"What?" Sora looked up, utterly unsure of Riku's aim.
"Don't pretend, Sora," Riku returned venomously. "Everyone knows only whores and drug addicts get HIV."
The harsh sounding words that poured in a rush from Riku's mouth made Sora's heart stop briefly, eyes widening with disbelief as he recovered, "I know you're neither. How can you say a thing like that?"
"Bullshit, Sora. Go ahead. Tell me it's my fault for shooting up or not using protection or being a goddamn fag. Tell me I deserve it."
"But I didn't think...I mean, I don't care what happened. It doesn't change anything."
Riku opened his mouth to retort, but gave Sora an evaluative stare first. He looked so sincere. What am I doing, yelling at him like that? "How can you not care?"
"I know you're not a bad person Riku. You're the only one who was there for me when I wasn't busy trying to be a hero. You don't deserve this, no matter what you think."
"I shouldn't have slept with him..." Riku began hesitantly. Sora hadn't asked, but he wanted to confess it all in some desperate search for cathartic relief. "I had a girlfriend. I mean, I felt nothing for her, but she was such a sweet person. Beautiful girl. I didn't even like the guy. Sephiroth, some graduate student. I knew he was a fucking jerk. But he wanted me. Everyone told me he did. I should have stayed away, but we always ended up at the same parties. And I'd never been with a man...I was nineteen-years-old and I wanted that. I knew Sephiroth would give it to me so I got drunk and told him to take me back to his place. Isn't that pathetic?"
Sora shook his head, "No...Riku, of course you were tempted. I'm curious too...The opportunity was there and you took it. A million people would have done the same thing."
"I had to tell him to get the fucking test," Riku muttered. "I was such an idiot."
"No, you weren't an idiot."
"Sora, he fucking told me he didn't have a condom. I told him I didn't care," Riku voice fell considerably with the latter statement for the shame it filled him with and he pressed his forehead into his palm.
"Okay. You were an idiot," Sora agreed gently, desperate to stop Riku's confessions. They made his head spin painfully. I didn't ask for this...I don't care what you did. "You were stupid and you were drunk. But you're not a bad person. You trusted the wrong guy...You made a mistake and you're paying for it."
Sora was about to stand up and leave, but what Riku said next caught him completely off guard.
"I wish I would have waited for you..."
Riku couldn't believe he had allowed himself to say it, but he had. It was such a meaningless desire to express now. Such a pointless thing to say. Judging by the strained look on Sora's face, all he had done was open new wounds.
The confession made Sora grow silent. He drew himself up off the floor and looked at Riku for permission, before draping himself over the other boy's lap. He wrapped his arms around Riku's neck and pressed their foreheads together. Their heavy breaths mingled, Sora's thick eyelashes fluttering against the other boy's cheek as he blinked back tears and Riku bit his lower lip.
"I hate you," Sora whispered, though they both knew that the sentiment was brought on solely by the salty, crystal tears that now stung, glistening at the corners of Sora's full mouth. "Why are you telling me this now?"
Against reason, the boy who wasn't yet crying continued, "I mean it, Sora. And it's not just because I wouldn't have gotten this disease. It's because it would have meant something with you. You're such a beautiful person."
At this, Sora couldn't meet Riku's gaze anymore. He nuzzled his head into a supple neck, instantly dampening the skin with his ceaseless sobs. Sora choked, "I'm sorry Riku. I'm sorry I didn't realize."
Once again Sora's apologies were overwhelming Riku, making it difficult to breathe, "Don't say you're sorry. It wasn't your fault. There's no guarantee that being together would have changed anything. It could have made things worse, if certain people had found out."
Sora nodded against Riku's skin, "I know you're right, but I just want things to be different."
Riku's hands had finally found a place on Sora's hip, but all he said was, "So do I."
"When you stopped last night, I was so scared that you just didn't want me. That you hated me for trying that. Or you thought I was just using you."
"I should have told you a long time ago Sora. I didn't know what else to do. You made me give in. I wanted to keep going so badly, but there's no way we could ever..."
For some reason, Sora didn't want to believe it, "But we could. I'm not afraid. It's not a death sentence anymore."
Riku's grip on Sora slackened considerably, "Don't be stupid, Sora. Sure you could live for another twenty years, but do realize the kind of existence you'd be sentencing yourself too? Do you understand the stigma you'd have to live with?"
"We'll just be extra careful then..." Sora could feel his cheeks burn even as he protested, embarrassed by his naiveté. "I mean, the drugs are getting better right? Don't they suppress it?"
"Sora, if we do this once, I'll never be able to resist taking you again and again. And someday we'll want it when we shouldn't, and if I know that it's as amazing as I think it could be, I won't stop. I'm afraid that we'll become careless. And you of all people should know that condoms break."
"I'm sorry," Sora said quickly.
"It's okay," Riku retracted, realizing he had been overly emphatic with the last point. He knew he could trust Sora to respect his wishes in this. "It just scares me to think how hard it will be to resist you, if you stay."
"Of course I'm staying," Sora said and a devilish smile broke across his tear-stained features. "Riku?"
"Yeah?"
"If things were different, what would you do to me?"
Riku gave a throaty laugh and swung Sora off of his lap before the boy could even register that his position had changed. The brunette gave a soft oh as his back bounced against the couch and he quickly pulled Riku to him, longing to maintain their contact. With feline grace Riku slipped between Sora's angled legs, body forward in an exquisite arch to press himself against the crotch of Sora's jeans. My Sora. Grinding ever-so-slightly, he returned Sora's roguish grin, "Are you asking me to talk dirty to you?"
"Maybe."
Sora gasped, rapture saturating his being, as Riku's tongue slipped along the milky, column of his neck. Riku worked his way up, nipping Sora's ear lobe before whispering into the channel urges and whims that made Sora whimper in encouragement and run his hands over Riku's body, and then his own. Please don't stop...The sight of Sora, lips parted as he finally clutched himself, need etched in his young face, cheeks flushed with the embarrassment of his over-eager hands, sent Riku over the edge seconds after Sora came. Neither boy had removed their pants, but they both felt utterly spent.
"Oh my God," was the brunette's breathless reaction.
"Yeah," Riku groaned in return, languidly, almost reluctantly, sliding his hand out of his jeans.
"Can I shower with you?" Sora asked, suddenly very aware of a clammy film of sweat, not to mention another sticky substance, on his body.
Riku nodded, pulling himself up carefully, "I think we can manage that."
Sora smiled at the sight of tented paper on Riku's night stand. Contentedly, he reached for it, other hand rubbing a sleepy left eye.
Sora,
I'm taking the bus this morning. I know, I know. You're thinking about how I hate public transit. But I'm leaving you the car because I was hoping that, if you wake up on time, you'll want to drive down and meet me for lunch. It's so tempting to wake you up and tell you this, but you're so damn beautiful when you're asleep...
See you at lunch, or later...
Yours,
Riku
Sora could tell that he was grinning very widely as he read. Riku liked to watch him sleep, loved the sight of his sun bronzed skin against the pristine white sheets. Hadn't wanted it to end. In spite of everything, Sora looked back on the previous day with an incomprehensible sense of calm. Right now, all he needed to know was that, for the foreseeable future, he would be falling asleep in Riku's arms.
He knew Riku still had a lot of doubt, but this only made him more determined to make his growing affection known, starting with their lunch date. Date? Was it a date? They were a couple, weren't they? But they didn't date, did they? They just...were together.
Sora suddenly felt something he decided must have been nervousness. Maybe he did want it to be a date. He hadn't actually thought of doing anything officially couple-like with Riku, but he was beginning to find the idea very appealing. He bounced off the bed, permitting himself to spin in place once, arms out wide, as if trying to spread the fluttering feeling of happiness to his fingertips.
He smiled, as he entered the bathroom, at how backwards he and Riku were doing things. They started sharing a bed before Sora had even realized his feelings for the other boy. Their first real date was coming after they had shared hundreds of kisses, some chaste, some searching, some desirous. It was coming after they had made a commitment that both boys were privately terrified the other would break, even though each was certain they would not be the one to lose their nerve.
"What?" Riku asked, catching Sora staring.
"Nothing," Sora lied, his smile only growing.
"What?"
"Is this a date?"
Riku gave an amazed shrug and looked around the restaurant, "Well, it's just lunch."
Sora's head dipped a little, "Oh. It feels kind of like a date. You look really good right now."
"Then it's a date," Riku agreed. "Is that okay?"
"Of course it's okay. I like it actually. I like going out with you."
"Good," Riku said, his hand closing over Sora's on the table.
Sora watched as the clasp tightened, "Should we talk about date things?"
"You already now what my major is and where I work, silly."
"Yeah, I guess so."
Sora carefully turned his hand over under Riku's, offering his palm to the ghostly trace of fingertips.
"You're not eating."
"Neither are you," Sora replied.
"You're looking at me like that again."
"Like what?" Sora asked innocently.
"Like you want to say something."
"Oh."
"Well..."
Sora shook his head, "Nothing. Just, why does it feel like we slept together last night or something?"
"Because we did, stupid."
"You know what I mean, Riku."
Riku sighed, "Because you're beautiful and I can't help but look at you like we've just made love."
"Everything feels so complete."
"Good..."
"I swear, you have that after-sex glow or something," Sora continued to answer his own question.
"So do you."
"But we didn't actually..."
"No," Riku said firmly.
"You look so...satisfied."
Riku laughed at this, "Maybe I'm just happy to be here with you, okay?"
"On our date?"
"Yes Sora, on our date."
Riku thought about Sora's comments a long time after they were made. He had to be extremely careful to ensure that Sora's name didn't somehow find its way into the report he begun working on after lunch.
Why does it feel like we slept together last night?
The knowledge that Sora felt this way also had wiped out every last trace of doubt in Riku's mind. He had woken up this morning, unable to take his eyes off of the boy lying beside him and absolutely loving the feelings of possession, affection, and wholeness that seemed to fill the room. The emotions were so strong that he was temporarily afraid that he had given in and they had done something unthinkable. Sora's features were more stunning than ever in that moment. People never looked that flawless without having first done something wrong.
Then he began to wonder if this was even what people felt like after sex. It was like he had always imagined it would be, complete and blissful. Nothing like with Sephiroth. Hadn't he felt like he had lost something then? Empty as opposed to whole.
And what if, it was enough for him, limited as his ability to express his love was, but not enough for Sora. What if Sora woke up feeling indifferent? Maybe a just little lighter, but not like he had become completely ungrounded. What if that which meant everything to Riku, meant very little to Sora? How then, could he ever make the other boy happy?
So when Sora had posed his question, Riku knew exactly what the brunette was feeling. It was just what he had been hoping to hear. Everything was coming together. It was almost impossible to believe, but it really was. He was getting a chance at something he thought he'd never have.
"Do you realize it's been a month since I fell in love with you?"
"But we only starting dating two weeks ago."
"Well, I fell in love with you a month ago."
"But you were with Kairi."
"I was thinking of you the whole time."
"Oh..."
"Riku?"
"Yeah?"
"Can I take you somewhere special now?"
"I used to come here when you were at work," Sora admitted quietly.
Riku felt something tug at his heartstrings and he pulled Sora closer on the bench they were sharing. He looked out across the field, past the grass to the point where lush green met pale sand. He saw the children and heard their playful screams as they climbed the equipment and played tag. He watched as parents stepped in when one of the kids tripped, even if it was only a short fall to a forgiving surface. He tried to imagine what Sora was feeling.
"Do you still think about everything with Kairi?"
"Not when I'm with you. But when I come here alone, I can't help but wonder what we're missing out on. Sometimes a kid runs by with brown hair. It's softer and curlier than mine, but for a second I think maybe they're running to me. Maybe it was just a nightmare."
"You'll have that someday, Sora," Riku promised.
Sora smiled and snuggled into his boyfriend, "Yeah, we'll have an adorable little family together."
Riku gave a quiet sigh. Maybe not together, but...Still, he only buried his long fingers in the cinnamon mass of Sora's hair and agreed, "Yeah."
Sora allowed himself to enjoy the feelings of contentment and affirmation that the touch offered for a few more moments, before he forced himself to sit up and reach for the bag he brought with him.
"I have something for you."
Riku leaned back in surprise, "Why?"
"I told you...Because exactly one month ago I started loving you. It's a little anniversary present."
"Sora, you didn't have to."
Riku pressed an eagerly-received kiss to the other boy's lips before he accepted the package.
Is this? Riku had a notion of what Sora had done, but wouldn't allow himself to believe it. No, it's not...He didn't want to get his hopes up, only to be disappointed. He had to be ready to be happy with whatever Sora had found for him.
But as he pulled the gift from it's packaging, his eyes stung immediately and he bit back tears. Then a perfect smile graced his lips as he read the cover through a choked voice, "Bob Dylan. Bringin' It All Back Home."
He leaned forward and wrapped his arms tightly around Sora in an amazed, but grateful hug, "How did you find it?"
Sora pulled back to shrug evasively. He figured Riku didn't really need to know about Squall's favour. If you guys ever need anything...Not that their former gym teacher hadn't been quick with his generosity when Sora showed up on his doorstep again, asking for something he'd secretly wanted since his first visit. Take it. We haven't listened to it in months. Cloud brought it home over a year ago. I don't think he even realizes we have it anymore. He'd be glad to know it's going to you two. Sora, of course, did politely inquire about Squall's certainty more than once, before thanking him profusely. Don't worry about it. It's fine. And Cloud's more likely to be able to get another copy than you are. Just go make your boyfriend happy.
"This is perfect," Riku said, accepting that Sora's source should remain unknown. "I can't believe you found it."
"Well, believe it. You better get used to having the best boyfriend ever," Sora joked to relieve the overwhelming intensity of the moment.
"Can I take the best boyfriend ever home now?" Riku asked, a soft but suggestive glint in his eyes.
"Yeah, I think you better."
Riku stood and took Sora's hand as they walked over the grass, back to his car.
Sora looked down at their entwined fingers with a grin and observed, "So I think we can safely say that Intimacy is no longer in danger of losing to Isolation."
Riku smiled back - he absolutely beamed. He glanced down at the album in his other hand. His hopeless gift from his hopeless love. But he had it all and in that moment, he had everything that he needed. How did I get so lucky? He laughed, his mirth filling Sora's ears with a pleasing, musical sound. Then he let go of the younger boy's hand, ruffling the chocolate hair before pulling him in for an affectionate kiss on those soft, soft lips.
"Yeah," Riku agreed as they parted very slightly and began to walk again. "I think we're going to develop just fine."
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