Soulless Desire
Special

Wringing out the wet rag, Kagome felt the cold water slide down her arms. Sighing heavily, she carried the rag into the living room, droplets of water dripping to the carpet. The house was dim, lit only by the late-afternoon sun. Cool air blasted in through the floor-vents, an uphill battle to fight the oppressing summer humidity. Upon crossing the threshold into the living room, her eyes were instantly drawn to him.

There was a window above the couch he'd fallen on. The blue light that filtered in through the curtains tinged his pale skin, and gave him the resemblance of a still lake. For a brief moment, Kagome wondered – what lie lurking beneath the undisturbed surface?

As Kagome knelt beside the couch, the air conditioner kicked off. The silence was unnerving, and for a moment, she simply stared at Sesshoumaru. She'd never seen him so peaceful. Her stomach twisted at his helpless appearance. His face was coated in a sheen of sweat that left his silver bangs plastered to his forehead. Leaning over him slowly, she lifted the damp rag to his face. Wiping and dabbing his skin gingerly, she cleaned away the sweat. The proximity sent her heart fluttering in her chest, and in the silence she feared the sound may wake him. Satisfied with herself, Kagome rested back down on her legs and pursed her lips. What should she do now? Wiping her hands dry on her jeans, she glanced at the clock hanging on a nearby wall. Sango and Rin would probably try calling her soon. Her phone was in her purse, still sitting on the kitchen counter – would she be able to hear it from here?

Turning her attention back to Sesshoumaru, she felt her breath catch in her throat. He was beautiful – truly beautiful. She'd noticed his appearance many times before, but lying here now, so serene, so peaceful, she saw more than that. Something in his beauty was so sad. His beautiful mouth seemed unsure how to smile. Leaning over him again, she placed her right hand on his right cheek. His skin was still damp and cool. Bringing her left hand to his other cheek, she tilted her head. She felt odd touching him, but he was asleep after all...

Her fingers moving in unison, she carefully traced his silver eyebrows, smoothing them. Without breaking contact, she moved back up his straight nose, and gently ran her fingers over his eyelids. Her fingertips glided over his skin, across his temples, and to his forehead. Leaning her face in closer, she studied the navy crescent moon that adorned his face. Right hand matching her left in movement, she drug her fingertips back down to his lips. Feeling her heart race, she held her face only a few inches above his. She traced his soft lips with her fingertips. His lips were thin, but full, with a slight cupid's bow.

Drifting from the dream world, Sesshoumaru remained unmoving. Head spinning, he felt warmth on his face. He felt soft, warm, flesh trailing over his skin. After a moment, he recognized the feeling as being hands, fingers. They were moving as if examining every detail that his face had to offer. Trying to ignore the ringing sound in his ears, he heard gentle breathing, very close to his own face. Inhaling a familiar scent, he internally smiled.

Kagome.

Kagome's fingers were warm on his skin, and he loved the feel of her gentle touch. Not wishing to alarm her, Sesshoumaru remained still, feigning sleep. A chill ran up his spine as her fingers moved from his cheeks to his sensitive lips. He opened his eyes, studying the girl before him. She held her face only inches from his own, her warm breath tickling his chin. Wrapped in an ethereal glow of blue light, Kagome had never looked more... innocent.

Her knees ached from kneeling, but Kagome didn't move. She stared intently at Sesshoumaru's soft lips. He'd kissed her earlier – why? What had he been thinking when he did it? Hadhe even been thinking at all?

A flash of movement caught Kagome's attention. She froze. A pair of golden eyes locked with her own, causing her entire body to tense. Pulling her face back away from his, her cheeks flushed. Heart pounding in her chest, she searched for words.

"I–I'm so sorry, I didn't mean..." She breathed, retracting her fingers from his face.

In a flash of white cloth, Sesshoumaru caught Kagome's hand. He gently moved it back to his lips, and whispered, "You have nothing apologize for."

Her eyes were filled with terror – terror that Sesshoumaru loathed. He could feel a faint presence beginning to return in the back of his mind, but kept his focus solely on Kagome. He kept his hand on top of hers, but kept his touch light and gentle.

"I however, do need to apologize," He kept his voice quiet and calm, worried he may frighten her away, "Earlier, I... I do not know what overcame me."

I do.

Kagome felt the urge to move, to run. She felt overwhelmed by the urge to flee. But, she did not – she could not. His ocher eyes held her firmly in place. His silvery-blue hair gleamed beautifully in the diminishing light and, despite her fear, it captivated her. His words danced in her head, and she felt her muscles faintly relax. Timidly, she outlined his lips with her fingertips.

That feels so... amazing...

Although Sesshoumaru agreed with his other half, he damned him. He damned his instinctual side to the fiery depths of hell. He hated himself – his entire self. He hated the things he did, and yet – he didn't stop.

"Kagome," Sesshoumaru whispered, causing her hand to pause, "Do you fear me? Do you... hate me?"

Her lips parted, but no sound left them. Did she hate him? Did she fear him? She wanted to run and hide in fear, but she didn't move. Was she truly afraid? Confused, and at a loss for words, Kagome did not answer. Tearing her eyes away from his, she studied the carpet.

In a flash of movement, Sesshoumaru was sitting up. Cupping her fragile chin in his hand, he lifted her face. Her blue eyes moved up slowly, finally meeting his own. Unmoving, he searched her eyes intently, heightening her urge to run. She remained still, however.

Sesshoumaru's eyes flashed briefly to the front door.

"I should leave," He said softly.

Kagome stood slowly, legs stiff and tingling. He rose gracefully, already taking his first step towards the door.

"Wait," she said softly, surprised by the sound of her own voice.

He paused, turning his head slightly.

She hesitated, "Sesshoumaru, I..." raising her eyes to meet his own, her heart leapt into a wild frenzy. She wanted to answer his question, she needed to answer him. The words danced on her lips. She feared her own tongue, "I..." Dropping her eyes back to the floor, she whispered, "Will I see you again?"

"If you wish."

Head swimming in confusion, Kagome watched him leave – amazed by how quietly he could move. For a moment, she let her mind wonder – certain qualities about him seemed almost... inhuman. That's crazy though – so, perhaps not, inhuman, but... unordinary. That made more sense. Sesshoumaru was a very unordinary man.

She felt torn. In one hand, he was an obvious danger. She'd been warned by his brother that Sesshoumaru was hazardous to her health – and she had her own observations that screamed the same thing. And yet, in the other hand, she couldn't help but feel attracted to him. Perhaps the danger he presented was exactly the thing that fascinated her.

Buyou jumped from the windowsill to the cushion beside her, jolting Kagome from her thoughts. As if on auto-pilot, her hand found the place just behind his left ear that sent him purring. Things had change so much since their first meeting. He had seemed like a possible boyfriend. He took her on a walk, asked her about the things she liked. Then, she met his brother – and that's when the shit hit the fan. Now there were warnings, nightmares, alcohol...

With a sigh, Kagome fell back on the couch. She heard a light thump on the floor, and the soft padding of four paws moving away from her. She allowed her eyelids to close in an attempt to soothe her aching head. When had the world stopped making sense? A war raged inside of her. His question waged a battle so fierce, she feared it may tear her apart.

The sound of a car door slamming forced Kagome back into reality. Sango and Rin – she was supposed to have met up with them. She'd forgotten forgot to call them earlier. What would she say?

:-:

"So who's this boy your grandfather's told me about?" Kagome's mother questioned lightly, brow furrowed over a skillet on the stove.

"Oh, he's no one really. Just a friend kind of," Kagome swept into the room, tossing her purse onto a counter.

"A boyfriend maybe?" She turned her head to look at her daughter, a hint of emotion in her voice. Though not especially beautiful, she thought Kagome was pretty enough. She had long awaited the day Kagome would present a young man to her as a boyfriend. Now, she half expected Kagome to present a young woman as her girlfriend.

Kagome felt her stomach drop, her heart fluttering into her throat. She'd never really had a boyfriend. She remembered the beginning of her relationship with Sesshoumaru. He'd told her to consider him a boyfriend. Things had changed, however. Now she had no idea what he was.

"Not really Momma, it's not that kind of thing," She answered dully. This wasn't the first time they'd had this conversation. Her mother would innocently inquire about a boy, and Kagome would crush her hopes.

Sighing audibly, Kagome's mother turned back to the stove, "I've seen Rin and Sango with boys. Why never you, honey?"

"Maybe no one's interested in me mom," Kagome choked, managing to hold back most of her teenage emotions.

Before the conversation could continue any further, Kagome trudged to her room. She was painfully aware of her lack of a boyfriend. She knew her mother meant well, but it hurt to have it brought up. She often felt bitter when she thought of Sango and Rin. Though they'd never had a relationship that lasted more than a few months, they had had them.

It hurt. No one held her in their loving arms. There was no boy she talked to at all hours of the night. No one flirted with her, or asked for her number. She didn't go out on Friday nights. Or even Saturday nights. She stayed home, and she read. She read books where the main character did have a life, did have a boyfriend.

Pressing her face into her flat pillow, she let it all out. Twisting off the cap of her bottled emotions, she felt the tears streaming down her hot cheeks. She twisted her blankets in her fists, and sobbed. Her nails dug into her palms, chest heaving. Hearing the soft patter of her mother's footsteps, she quickly wiped at her face. At the sound of her bedroom door opening, Kagome buried her head deeper into her pillow.

"Oh, honey..." Her mother whispered. Leaving the light off, she stepped across the room, and settled herself on the bed beside her daughter. Stroking Kagome's mass of tangled hair, she pressed a tissue into her hand.

"Oh momma," Kagome muttered, blowing her nose, "I don't know what to do."

"Well, does Sesshoumaru like you?" her mother asked.

"I..." Kagome paused, sniffling, "I think so. But Momma, he... has problems." She thought back to the day before, when he'd shown up at her doorstep, drunk.

Her mother pursed her lips in thought, "Everyone has problems. It's a matter of looking past all that. You have to see him for more than that. Everyone has good and bad. You have to focus on the good, and accept the not so good," she paused to kiss Kagome's forehead, "It's like there's two different halves of a person inside all of us. One is good, and the other bad. Some people bring out more of one side than the other – but they're both equally there, Kagome. They're both there, just waiting to be unearthed."

Kagome sat up, and rolled her mother's words around in her mind. They made sense she thought. Wiping her face clean with her blanket, she smiled. She hugged her mother, sighing into her shoulder. Satisfied, Kagome's mother gave her a final squeeze before leaving.

Swinging her feet over the edge of the bed, Kagome walked to the window. Pressing one hand to the cool glass, she spoke to herself, "I wish it Sesshoumaru. I wish to see you again." Mulling over her mother's words, she smiled, "I want to find your good side."

"Kagome..." Sesshoumaru whispered from the ground outside her window. Pressed up against the wall of her home, he was out of sight, but not out of hearing range.

The words she spoke were the words he'd wished to hear for so many long years. However, it wouldn't be long. It wouldn't be long before his three-night change took place. A sense of dread and self-loathing crept under his skin.

He would not kill this one. He refused.

This one is special. I can taste it.

The wait for the next chapter will not be nearly as long, I promise. I'm sorry this one took forever and a day, but I'm back into my writing mode, and I want to finish this story. I hope you like it. Sorry for the lack of Sesshoumaru, but if that bothered you, I'm sure the next chapter will be to your liking.