Title: French Kissing
Genre: attempt of humour/romance
Pairing: SasuNaru
Rating: R (for safety reasons - some cursing and some sexual content, but primarily - you have to have stable mind to endure works of mine!)
Word count: 1532
A/N: Yes, I am aware there is no France in Naruto's world. Butfrench kissing is french kissing even in another galaxy!
Warning: beware of my nonsense flow of thought! If there was a rating for my insanity, this fic would take the highest one (for now, at least).

---

French kissing

Sasuke entered the Hokage office late that morning, having overslept after a particularly exhausting mission. He was wearing his usual ANBU gear, though not even pretending to care about hiding his identity under the feline mask. After all, was there anyone in the village who didn't know who the best ANBU captain was?

The hall of the Hokage tower was unusually calm and empty, and Sasuke for a second played with a thought of Naruto being absent, but outraged shouts emerging from behind his cabinet's doors meant the opposite.

"I didn't mean to offend you, Sakura, sorry!" Naruto squealed as he ran around his own desk, keeping it as a barrier between himself and the pink-haired kunoichi, who chased him with incoherent growling.

Sasuke took a couple of minutes to watch it, as the image of breathless Naruto, bending over the desk was priceless, but then decided to announce his presence and knocked on the already opened door. The chaise stopped as Sakura turned around, Naruto didn't need to be told twice and took his chance to hide behind his beloved (for the time being, even worshipped) subordinate.

"And what's the matter this time?" the said subordinate asked with a sigh, being used to battles like this.

"Don't tell him, Sakura or, I swear, I'll send Lee on a life-long undercover mission as a penguin to the Snow!" both Sasuke and Sakura were a little bit taken aback by such a threat, and the Uchiha took time to wonder what was it Naruto didn't want him to know. His wonders took another course, as his former #1 fangirl grinned widely all of a sudden.

"So, it's for him..."

"Sakura!"

"Oh-ho-ho, I'm silent, Hokage-sama, don't worry." and thus, she retreated, leaving Sasuke with his report, shaking with fear Naruto and a whole bunch of ideas rummaging through his head.

The Uchiha wasn't the one to spend a lot of time over such a minor trouble as yet another fight between his former teammates, no matter why it was started. He would have forgotten about it soon enough if not another similar incident that took place in his presence.

He was walking towards the Uchiha compound two days later, quartile report successfully finished. The sky was bright and the air warm and Sasuke was fully satisfied with himself and his plans for the day, when suddenly...

Suddenly, a chair fell out of a window of the house he was passing by and with a loud crack landed right in front of him. To pay respect to his remarkable reflexes, Sasuke by that moment was already on the window-still he had been attacked from.

Though, as he immediately realized, the target of the attack wasn't he, but Kakashi-sensei, running over the living room of Iruka-sensei's apartment chased by the said chuunin. In the middle of the room Naruto was standing, trying to calm both men down. Naruto was in his civil clothes, not in the Hokage robe, and Sasuke absent-mindedly noticed, that his commander looked very good in black. The shouts, directed towards Kakashi were remarkable and Sasuke paid close attention to them:

"You perverted sexually-frustrated freak! To do it to Naruto! In my house! Die!"

It brought Sasuke to some breath-taking images, but he was relieved to hear Naruto explaining hurriedly

"It was nothing! We didn't do anything!" and shocked to death by his next word "Yet."

He left without letting others know he had been there, having concealed his chakra automatically.

Sasuke wasn't the best ANBU for nothing - he had not only got skills, but could put two and two together and not stick with four as an answer.

That's when his suspicions arose. Those were very bad ones. Erm... dirty ones, actually.

---

He had witnessed two more similar incidents involving Naruto. First - when two days after the second encounter Jiraiya-sannin came to the city and left soon after, cursing Rokudaime for being a 'fucking pipsqueak' and not being able to 'find a bitch to fuck with' which made the Uchiha frown. Then there was short visit to Suuna and Gaara adding even less understandable 'I honestly don't know how to do it' to his goodbye. The climax of this mystery happened a week after, counting almost a month since that fight with Sakura. During that time Sasuke had a lot of missions to execute and managed to direct his attention to peculiarities of Naruto's behavior only in between. He had come to some interesting conclusions... But they all seemed way too strange to be true.

Although one of them was true and soon Sasuke got a chance to realize it.

So, almost a month passed since that first fight. Sakura was grinning widely every time she saw Naruto and asking 'not yet?'. Kakashi was giving his former student encouraging smiles, Jiraiya and Gaara were absent. But as month passed, Naruto disappeared.

In the morning of that day, which turned his life upside down, Sasuke, as usual, came to greet Naruto and check if everything was alright. But instead of yawning blond he found only empty cabinet and forgotten Hokage hat. The hat in actually made him worry, because Uzumaki could have overslept or ditched his duties, but hat! That ridiculous piece of Hokage robes was an object of Naruto's awe, the idiot took it with him wherever he went and Sasuke even suspected he actually prayed to it.

So there was the hat and no Naruto.

There was still the hat and still no Naruto six hours later, at noon.

And at three in the afternoon as well.

And at four thirty.

And at five fifteen.

He showed up at five sixteen, transporting in a cloud of alcohol stinking smoke right on his own desk, in front of worried Uchiha, who was currently listening to Kakashi-sensei's report on searching the Hokage.

When the cloud disappeared, everyone good a good chance to look at their Hokage. The image was remarkable. Kakashi stopped in mid-sentence. Iruka-sensei, who was present as well, gasped. Sakura's eyes bulged out. Sasuke's jaw simply dropped open. Without drowning in long explanations, let describe some details: all of the clothes Hokage wore was a black leather collar with a silver chain attached to it and red-and-white striped socks and purple thong; the small of his back (thank Kami-sama for depriving the audience of a chance to watch Hokage's front!) was covered with a dozen of red lipstick-painted flowers; on his left shoulder was something that looked like a temporal tattoo of a naked woman…

Before anyone got a chance to speak (even though they already spent seven minutes staring), Naruto rose his head, hiccupped sadly and whined:

"And still they didn't teach me how to French-kiss!"

---

"What? I didn't mean to offend anyone! I just asked to teach me how to French-kiss!" Naruto pouted, looking at Sasuke from below the bangs of blond hair.

"So you asked Sakura… and Kakashi… and Jiraiya… and even Gaara (!)…" the Uchiha started. Something in his tone sounded warningly and Naruto backed off, laughing sheepishly.

"Well, yeah?"

"Why, may I ask," he continued, leaning closer (Naruto thanked his beloved desk acting as a barrier between them, but cursed his dumb subordinates, who left him alone with this psycho of a friend). "you didn't ask me?"

Well, Naruto had a courtesy to blush before snapping:

"Well, you're such a pack of ice that you never had a girlfriend, how could you possibly know?"

"Ouch. That hurt, Uzumaki."

"Well, sorry, but it's true, Uchiha."

"So how about studying together?" the said Uchiha leered at his Hokage.

"Are you sure we are to… mmm…"

"Yeah, I am – agh – sure."

"Well, it's kind of fu-ahhh-nny, if you ask me."

"Oh, shut up already."

The studying went a little bit further than into the matter of kissing. Ahem, to say the truth, it went a hell lot further. Anyway, when Sakura and the company, got tired of waiting outside for an explanation Naruto promised to tell only Sasuke (they did know about him willing to know about kissing, they didn't know anything about his disappearance and obviously fun time he had had) and broke into the office, they found a pretty eeer… compromising situation to deal with. One involving the desk, lack of clothes, lot of licking and two particularly horny young men.

Ouch.

---

Naruto refused to speak of any of his adventures, though the rumor of Rokudaime in purple thong was spread throughout the Konoha the same day and he had nothing to loose.

Kakashi and Iruka provided Naruto and Sasuke with some literature, bringing the Hokage's wrath upon themselves ("Why the hell didn't you do it earlier!")

Jiraiya was very, very much disappointed with his pupil for striding the wrong path. Though after a long talk with him he came to acceptance of his preferences. Maybe it had something to do with rumor that Jiraiya was seen in purple thong as well… Ahem.

What were Gaara's views on the situation is still not known to anyone.

Naruto and Sasuke continued their studies and soon were asked to move them to a more secluded area than the Hokage Tower.

:the end:

---

Wait a sec, there's more to it... right!

---

Two months passed since the described event and Sasuke had to face his fate - Sai came back to Konoha from a very long mission. He was soon informed about the past events and no wonder the Uchiha found him in Naruto's apartment with a pile of books in his hands and that geeky smile on his face.
"So, Naruto, it is a very important issue of self-actualization and socializing in general," Sai was saying, "so you have to teach me how to do those french kisses!"
Sai. Was asking. Naruto. To teach him. How to kiss.
Remark: Sai was asking Naruto-the-Uchiha-property how to french-kiss.
But while he was standing in the doorway, trying the process the happening and think up the most violent way to kill Sai, said one made his way towards the Hokage and, shily looking away and blushing, quietly said: "Please?"
Well, and Naruto, being the kind-hearted man he was, leaned closer an kised Sai lightly on left cheek.
On the cheek.
But the Uchiha saw red nevertheless.

---

Let us say, that Sai stopped regarding french kisses as an important issue of self-actualization since then. For a couple of weeks he spent in the hospital, at least.
Naruto, who wasn't injured that bad ("the village needs the Hokage", Sasuke was reapeating to himself whle beating the crap out of his boyfriend) since then was very cautious towards teaching matters.
Sasuke, who felt bad without Naruto, who due to his injuries couldn't participate in any of serious stuff, was frustrated. And when Naruto healed finally, Konohagakure spent the worst night ever - no one wasn't able to sleep with such an enourmous amount of... noise.

:the TRUE end: