Epilogue: Hugging, lots of it. And naturally jack is filthy.

The Doctor gazed meaningfully in Roses direction, in a completely non-platonic fashion. Oh heck, he thought, and gave in; it wasn’t as if he was kidding anyone: he loved Rose in the ‘you’re so pretty, take me now’ way, not in the ‘you’re my favourite companion’ way.

“Oh pish.” Rose said top herself, and bent over to pick up a pencil which she’d genuinely dropped. The Doctor cocked his head to the side to get a better view.

“I know, she’s sssmokin’!” Captain Jack commented lewdly. The Doctor started, surprised by his presence.

“What are you doing here?” The Doctor said.

“Same as you, admiring the view.” Jack said casually. Rose turned around and scowled

“I resent your objectifying me” She said. “I find it offensive. I am a person you know! Not a blow up doll!”

“Sweetheart, it’s nothing personal to the gender, I objectify everyone like that.” Captain Jack shrugged. “Only a minute ago I was oggling the Doctor’s behind.”

“Oh yes, what did you think of it?” The Doctor said, smiling flirtatiously.

“I think it’s fabulous.” Captain Jack said truthfully. “can I touch it?”

“Oh go on then.”

“Doctor, you‘re supposed to like me! not that stupid arrogant space con man!” Rose whinged.

“Really?” The Doctor said, “word is, is that this is a slash.”

“Well, it’s really not.” Rose pouted.

“Sorry, well, actually I’m quite pleased, you see, it’s you I really like, not Captain Jack.” The Doctor said. Rose and the Doctor hugged enthusiastically.

“Well then, why did you lead me on you bastard!” Captain Jack whined, genuinely hurt.

“I’m very sorry” the Doctor said. “what can I ever do to be forgiven?”

“Well,” Jack bumbled shyly, “you could give me a hug.”

“but I’m hugging Rosey at the moment, maybe in a bit.”

“Can’t I just join in?”

“No-” the Doctor started.

“Yes he can! Go on Captain Jack, join in” Rose yelled suddenly. And so, Rose, the Doctor and Jack hugged. It was a very long, intimate, inappropriate hug. “oh Doctor!” she moaned.

“eh? Rose, I’m not groping you. And now I realise- you’re not groping me either! Jack!”

“But I haven’t joined in yet- I’m still warming up!” Jack protested.

“Then who’s groping me and Rose?” the Doctor queried. The hug ended abruptly, and they discovered who had been in the hug.

“Captain Jack!” Rose exclaimed.

“I said it’s not me!” Captain Jack said.

“No, not you!” Rose pointed at the uninvited hugger. “That captain Jack!”

“oh please!” The other Captain Jack said, swaying drunkenly, “you asked me to! And lets face it, who does want a piece of me?”

Our Captain Jack, Rose and the Doctor were dumbfounded. What was another Captain Jack doing there, and why were there so many captain Jacks? The Other Captain Jack postured and flicked his hand in a rather camp fashion.

“I didn’t ask for the gay Pirate, I was inviting the omnisexual space con man!” Rose piped up.

“Oh,” the pirate said, “first of all, either way, groping was inevitable, secondly…oh yes, I’m not gay.”

The Doctor laughed, “oh who are you kidding?”

“I’m not! If I was gay I’d have a jolly hard time keeping my hands off that Legolas bloke, wouldn’t I?” Pirate Captain Jack slurred. “And you, other Captain Jack, I know I have a fabulous name and am the hottest thing next to the Doctor, but don’t look at me like that.”

Our Captain Jack’s eyes bulged slightly and his jaw dropped. “All I know is that an orgy isn’t happening right now, and there’s something terribly wrong with that.” He said slowly.

“Well, you’re on the wrong side of the watershed!” other Captain Jack exclaimed, “so stop thinking like that.”

“But I can’t!” Jack whined. “we’re all so damn sexy! And me, well, I‘m the sexiest and I should be getting it all the time!”

“Hang on!” said the other Jack, “I thought I was the sexiest bloke alive.” (well, Orlando Bloom wasn’t there so the fan girls couldn’t argue, and Captain Jack‘s fanciers couldn‘t be impolite about his acting).

The Doctor coughed loudly, and everyone turned to him. “Well, actually, you’re both wrong. Rose, your opinion please!”

Rose felt as if her head was exploding. How to choose? “Well, Captain Jack the Pirate is yum but…seriously, are you sure you’re not gay?”

“I’m seriously not.” Captain Jack swaggered.

“well, you’re at least bi.” She said, “but think what a coincidence that would be.”

“A very large and sexy coincidence.” our Captain Jack said. Hopefully, at this point all the younger viewers had gone to bed.

“And this is all getting a bit too perverted for my liking.” the Doctor said, “so Rose, make your choice.”

Rose scratched her head. “I think I’ll have to draw straws. Doctor, you’re lush, but lets face it, how much sex do you have outside fan fiction? Captain Jack con man probably has too much…I’m confused! Oh Doctor, it’s been forever since you held my hand!”

“But Rose, I was holding you hand whilst we were simultaneously hugging a minute ago.” the Doctor sighed, “and my arms hurt from the constant hugging!”

“I don’t care!”

And that’s how the Doctor and Rose ended up hugging, yet again.

“Well.” other Captain Jack said, smiling annoyingly “I’m off, there isn’t much rum around here, and I have some pirating to do.”

“Fair play.” Our Captain saluted the other, “may the force be with yee, matey” he said in a pirate voice.

“Ahar, and may thee waves be a kind mistress te yee too” pirate captain Jack said.

Both Jacks saluted each other and grunted a hearty “AHAR!” in unison, and pirate Jack walked into the TARDIS door, succeeded in opening it, and fell out.

At last, there was silence, and no one made a single rude comment or implied anything for about a minute.

seizing the opportunity Rose jumped the Doctor and hugged him so hard he almost regenerated.

“Rose, please, no!” the Doctor cried, trying to peal her off, “no…more…hugging.”

“wow, this is really hot!” Jack hooted, making a rude implication. “you know what would improve that? Molten chocolate”

“Hug me Doctor! Hug me like I’ve been a really, really good girl!” Rose screamed manically. “Oh Doctor! I looove you! And obviously you love me too, so say it!”

“No! I can’t say it! Remember the emotional baggage and issues! I can’t commit to you contingent life forms!” The Doctor wheezed. “please Rose, stop hugging me!”

“No!”

Captain Jack shrugged and joined in!”

Bloody humans and Time Lords the TARDIS thought angrily. It would show them. They were always having explicit relations, hugging, snogging and getting up to all sorts of gratuitous physical social interaction. It would have to act quickly. At once, it jumped into the time Vortex and headed for an alternate dimension. QUICK! it said to the Doctor. Get rid of her now!

the TARDIS thought angrily. It would show them. They were always having explicit relations, hugging, snogging and getting up to all sorts of gratuitous physical social interaction. It would have to act quickly. At once, it jumped into the time Vortex and headed for an alternate dimension. it said to the Doctor.

“Fab!” the Doctor said, dragging himself, Rose and Jack towards the door. Finally, he managed to peel Rose off and pushed her out of the door. “Sayonara, you crazy woman!” the Doctor yelled, slamming the doors.

Rose looked around, and found herself in Norway, alternate Norway. “Let me back in, you bastard!” She screamed, hammering on the doors with all her might. Oh how the TARDIS wished it had hands, so it could make rude gestures to her as it slipped back into the Time Vortex.

Eventually, the TARDIS disappeared, and Rose was stranded in alternate Norway forever. Doomed to make a living singing in popular Metal bands until she died Rose started to walk to the nearest town, wherever that was. Rose felt like crying, so she did. A lot. Well, she thought angrily, if she was crying, back in the regular universe the Doctor should be crying like a baby.

The Doctor shed a solitary tear. “Well, we can never return to the alternate dimension. I think it’s safe to say we’ll never see her again.”

“aww!” Captain Jack whined, “but she’s hot, and I had plans for the three of us!”

“I know.” the Doctor sighed emotionally, “it pains me that I will never see her again, but to be honest I really need an eternal rest from all that hugging.”

Damn straight The TARDIS sighed. Because it seemed appropriate, it began to play The Time Warp through the speakers. Feeling obliged, the Doctor and Jack performed the dance extremely half heartedly.

“Jack,” the Doctor said, “it’s time we parted ways. And no kiss goodbye.”

Jack looked disappointed.

“Well, g’bye!” And the Doctor shoved Jack right out of the TARDIS.

And Jack landed right in his own spin off. “Right on!” Jack crowed, punching the air, as the TARDIS and the Doctor dematerialised, none the wiser.

In the end, Jack got his own show, and a poster of the Doctor to stick on the wall of his office as a substitute for the real thing, Rose spent the rest of her days living in the version of Norway with zeppelins, and the Doctor had his TARDIS.

But he was alone. What was the use of seeing the universe if there was no one to see it with? The Doctor had seen everything, and the only reason he could think of to see them again was to show them to somebody else. Now, he felt like a solo Twister game: he was terribly lonely, and extremely bored. She had only been gone five minutes, but he already missed guessing Rose’s complex emotions. Rose’s absence made the Doctor truly feel like the last Time Lord.

As he was reflecting upon his feelings, the Doctor noticed something very strange at all. The air in the TARDIS started to ripple. What? Satan? He thought. No, something much deadlier. Something that wasn’t chained up and could be destroyed by breaking a vase.

Daleks.

“EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE! Why-won’t-you-bloody-die-already!” The four Daleks cackled.

The Doctor raised his arms and moaned with rage: “oh for fucks sake! Not again!”