The Hurley Show
by Hoogiman

Episode Three: Trap

The picture on the screen is black, with nothing but spots from the projector showing. A black and white movie is played on the tape, with a muffled low quality audio as the backing. The show is on, the old ragtime music plays, the audience claps.

A title shows on the screen, 'The Hurley Show'. An obviously cropped out picture of Hurley with the outlining of the island near his neck shows, as an announcer in the background yells, "Welcome to the Hurley Show!"

A fade-out transition is seen. The audience sees Hurley sitting in the hatch, picture still black and white, ragtime music still abundant. A scruffy 1920's announcer style voice is heard.

"Hurley, what are you doing today?" asks the announcer to Hurley.

Hurley, with an overly succulent fake smile, points to a large pit containing a bear trap.

"Oh, are you making a bear trap?" asks the announcer, trying to sound surprised.

Hurley nods, with an over-exaggerated smile showing.

"Are we trying to catch a bear in the bear trap?" asks the announcer, trying to sound dumb as if he were sinking down to Hurley's intelligence level.

Hurley gives the camera a look, saying, "How dumb do you really think these people are?"

"What are you going to use as bait?" asks the announcer.

Hurley shrugs, in an exaggerated manner.

"I know, let's go back to the beach and find something as bait!" says the announcer.

Hurley nods, agreeing.

At the Beach…

"Hurley, look at that animal wrapped up in cloth!" says the announcer. "How about you use it as bait?"

Hurley nods, picking up the animal.

"Gee Hurley, why is the animal crying?" asks the announcer.

Hurley shrugs.

Back in the Jungle…

"How about we throw that animal into the bear trap pit?" asks the announcer.

Hurley tosses the animal into the pit.

"Now we just have to wait for a polar bear to come along!" says the announcer.

Back at the Beach…

"Look Hurley, it's Claire!" says the announcer, trying to act excited.

Claire waves at the camera enthusiastically.

"Claire, are you missing something?" asks the announcer.

Claire shrugs.

"Where's your baby?" asks the announcer.

Claire gasps.

"Well, he should be right here, shouldn't he?" asks the announcer. "Unless somebody took it… and possibly used it?"

Obviously fake gigantic tears of sweat trickle down Hurley's face.

"Wait… Hurley… I think you accidentally put Claire's baby in your polar bear trap!" says the announcer, chuckling sadistically.

Claire looks absolutely devastated.

"Don't worry though, I'm sure we can save the baby in time! Quickly, run back to the bear trap!" says the announcer.

Back in the Jungle…

"Oh look Claire, there's your baby, sitting at the bottom of that metre-deep pit, absolutely safe and sound!" says the announcer.

A man in a badly made polar bear costume, I mean… a Polar Bear jumps into the pit and devours Claire's baby alive.

Claire gasps.

"Oh my gosh, your baby has been eaten alive by a Polar Bear!" says the announcer, trying to sound shocked, "I wonder who could have done that?"

Claire looks angrily at Hurley, and starts using her kickboxing moves violently on Hurley, and kills him due to lack of blood.

The audience gasps.

Claire uses her kickboxing moves violently on Hurley, killing him, in a family friendly sort of way.

The audience applauds.

Two hours later…

"Oh well, don't worry Claire, at least you have this nice big chunk of polar bear meat to make up for it!" says the announcer.

Claire, crying, chews the polar bear meat.

"Are you enjoying your meal?" asks the announcer to the other survivors.

All of the other survivors grin falsely, chewing their polar bear meat.

Hurley picks up his piece of Polar Bear, and starts to raise it towards his mouth.

"Oh wait Hurley, isn't Polar Bear deadly and poisonous?" asks the announcer.

Hurley gasps.

All of the other survivors realise, and look angrily at Hurley.

Hurley puts one hand on his cheek, with a shocked expression on his face.

Sawyer shoots Hurley multiple times in the chest, killing him.

The audience gasps.

In a family friendly, comedic sort of way.

The audience applauds.

All of the other survivors die.

"I guess that's all for today!" says the announcer, cheerfully.

THE END

I am so, so, sorry.