2stupid: This is about what would happen if we actually did one of those "x ways to piss y person off" fanfics. The first one's "50 Ways To Drive Kakashi Hatake Nuts" by kakkanobi.

Tensa-chan: This was done without kakkanobi or whoever else's permission, also without Rumiko Takahashi's.

2stupid: You mean Kishimoto Masashi.

Tensa-chan: No. I mean Rumiko.

2stupid: But Kishimoto-san wrote Naruto.

Tensa-chan: All the authors whose fanfics we have illegally copied have already had disclaimers. Someday, I will do a Ranma one. That's the reason for Rumiko's appearance.

2stupid: Do it in a different fic, baka.

Tensa-chan: Fine, teme.

2stupid: How do you say "bitch" in Japanese? Anyway, get rolled over by the blitzkrieg.

Tensa-chan: The blitzkrieg's long dead. The sitzkrieg too.

2stupid: Bakemono.

Tensa-chan: Muahahaha. Another year in the canyon! (see my other fics).

50 Ways To Drive Kakashi Hatake Nuts

Part 1

Kakashi was enjoying an expresso at Starbuck's and looking up Kurenai's phone number when Jiraiya came up, angry, calling him a "person with no values whatsoever" and other such crap. Giggling in the background was a young girl named Tensa-chan, also the resident Mary Sue with no alcohol tolerance whatsoever and who just so happened to be listening to a record of Naruto farting in Kiba's face. She was playing it loudly on speakers and had been following around for half a day. Having a feeling she was involved, Kakashi ran towards her, but Jiraiya demolished a block of Konoha including the school, a small part of the Uchiha and Hyuuga compounds, and Ichiraku ramen beating him up. After that, he was in no condition to search for an alcohol-deprived Mary Sue.

After that, Konoha held a meeting to decide what to do with the widespread damage. All the Jounin were waiting for Kakashi to arrive. A few hours later, he did, feeling ominous about the meeting. He had reason to: as soon as he walked in the door, he heard the intercom crackle. With a sinking feeling in his stomach, he heard a honey-sweet voice he was sure belonged to the Mary Sue crackle on.

"All Music Courtesy of Kakashi Hatake." Kakashi gulped when he heard the voice.

To start the meeting, Asuma stood up to talk about matters. Before he could say anything, however, the intercom crackled.

"Ahem, I would like—" The poor Jounin got no further as "Breakaway" by Kelly Clarkson roared over the radio. Vainly, he attempted to continue his speech, but the song drowned him out repreatedly.

"—this meeting starts to have the Jounin of Konoha—"

"—I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly—"

"—damages Jiraiya and Kakashi made to the fifteenth block of—"

"—make a wish, take a chance, and break away—"

After many such incidents, Asuma finally gave up and sat down again. When Kurenai stood up, preparing to send a genjutsu through the sound waves of the music to "Breakaway" when it turned on, the intercom blared again. This time it was "Hollaback Girl" by Gwen Stefani. Unfortunately, Kurenai had released her genjutsu, which came out badly with the music, and all the Jounin were affected. For a while, it was chaos.

Finally, a brave young man named Gai stood up to speak. His song was "Man, I Feel Like A Woman" by Shania Twain. Needless to say, he was soon crying buckets over the loss of his "Flames of Youth" and all the rest of the annoyed Jounin were floating on whatever they could find.

After Gai's tears finally drained away, the Hokage finally decided to speak for himself and dismiss the messed up meeting. However, at that exact moment, he heard the strains of "Ordinary People" by John Legend. As Kakashi stood up either to escape or apologize, a bass voice could be heard playing the Macarena. Annoyed to hell and back, the assembly of Jounin threw itself on Kakashi. In the end, Kakashi had to be ferried to the hospital by a couple of amused ANBU. Halfway there, they were interrupted by the Mary Sue, who told them she was a medic nin. You really had to feel sorry for Kakashi.

The Mary Sue dragged him into his apartment, grinned evilly, then handed him some pasty white antiseptic. It felt gritty under his fingers, yet somehow familiar. Feeling distrustful, he chose to use it anyways. Big mistake. He screeched, feeling the burn, a hundred times worse than salt water. Too late, his mind realized what the gritty feeling was. It was super-concentrated saline solution with bits of dangerous odds and ends, guaranteed effective in torture. The Mary Sue just giggled.

"Did you like my special antiseptic, Dave?" she asked. This was so fun!

"D-don't c-c-c-call… m-m-me… D-dave!" Kakashi managed to stutter out, attempting to ignore the pain and failing terribly.

"As you wish, David. I want you to remember my name: Tensa-chan. Got it? Good," with that, the evil Mary Sue left Kakashi to suffer all on his own, and went to get Starbucks and Crème Savers.

"Don't call me David either, (bleep)," Kakashi managed to gasp out.

"Fine then, Davey," the Mary Sue shot back at the door of his apartment. She went through the door—and did a smokeless teleportation jutsu, vanishing easily. Well, she was a Mary Sue, after all.

At Starbuck's she saw a certain forgotten phone book lying open on a table at the newly rebuilt café. Doing that, she decided to do the next thing she thought of, namely give Sakura Kakashi's phone number.

"Secret Bloodline Limit: Kekkei Genkai copy! Sharingan copy! Now I just need to copy Kakashi's writing…"

That afternoon, after practice, when a bandaged Kakash poofed out to the hospital, Tensa-chan, our favorite Mary Sue, poofed in as soon as Sakura had separated from Naruto and Sasuke.

"Kakashi-sensei told me to give this to you, Sakura-san," she said, handing Sakura a sealed envelope. Sakura opened it to find… Kakashi's phone number, with the words "Call me!" and a heart on it as well. Sakura stared at it, then pulled out her cell phone. Kakashi was going to get it now.

The Mary Sue listened via phone tap as Sakura screamed at a confused Kakashi over the phone. The conversation went something like this:

Sakura: What did you give me you phone number for, you big (bleep)ing pervert! Hentai! I would never go out with you!

Kakashi: Umm, Sakura, I didn't…

Sakura: Liar! It's your writing too! I know what your writing looks like! Don't try to lie to me, pervert.

Kakashi: But, Kurenai…

Sakura: Player! You're hitting off Kurenai too, aren't you! (bleep)ing (bleep) pervert!

Kakashi: No, wait-

Sakura: I'm coming over to beat you up! I'm coming! You better have a (bleep) good excuse! (slams down phone) –click-

Kakashi: (listens to buzzing tone) I'm doomed… I just haven't bothered laying down yet.

The Mary Sue liked the idea so well she wrote another note, this time giving it to Sasuke. This is what happened between them:

Sasuke: (calmly and dangerously) Kakashi, why did you give me your phone number? And send it by mail?

Kakashi: Ummm…

Sasuke: I'm not gay, you know. Then I couldn't bring back my clan.

(Mysterious voice in background sighs in relief. Neither Sasuke nor Kakashi hears it.)

Kakashi: You don't have to be gay. It's that stupid Mary Sue.

Sasuke: And next you're going to say she's stalking you, right? You have really bad excuses.

Kakashi: Oh, crap.

Sasuke: Are you gay?

Kakashi: (wasn't listening) Ummm, yes? I wasn't—

Itachi: Don't even try it, Sharingan Kakashi-sempai!

Sasuke: (enraged) Evil Aniki! I will kill you!

Itachi: Don't yell over the phone, foolish otouto. And you have a long ways to go before you kill me. You haven't even awoken your Mangekyou yet.

Sasuke: I'm coming to kill you now. I know where the Akatsuki base is, and I just got permission to attack. I'm coming. Be there in a week. -Click-

Kakashi: What's Itachi doing listening on my phone line? And what did Sasuke just ask?

Itachi: Kakashi, I'm coming from Akatsuki base with Kisame to use Tsukiyomi on you. –click-

Kakashi: At least I'm straight. Hmmm, better warn Hokage-sama. –click-

(suddenly, the phone rings again)

Mysterious Voice: Seven days, and seven nights.

The Mary Sue couldn't stop laughing her head off. She booted up her computer to write the incidents down. Then, she stopped to read a KakaIru fic. She had a drastic idea.

The next day, Kakashi picked up the phone. It was Iruka, and their conversation went something like this:

Kakashi: Hello, who's calling?

Iruka: Ahem, Kakashi-san. This is Umino Iruka. Ummm, why did you send me your phone number?

Kakashi: Now you? Damn that Mary Sue!

Iruka: Ummm, who?

Kakashi: The Mary Sue is the one who gave you that number, not me. I don't know who she is, but she's out to get me. She's already messed up my Jounin meeting, too.

Iruka: I see. –click-

Kakashi: Well, that went well, considering the rest of my day. –click-

As Kakashi turned around, he saw the Mary Sue sitting on his bed, giggling at him. But before he could get to strangle her, she waved at him then poofed away, leaving behind copious amounts of sulfuric gas.

-)

End of Chapter 1. Chapter 2 up soon. This is just to prove that I don't have to write HP crossovers, but it's not my fault JK Rowling's a little vague. And the vaguer the story, the easier it is to write fanfictions. Unless it's Naruto. Naruto's fine.