“The Substitutes” is two years old

“The Substitutes” is two years old! Huzzah (okay, I need to stop saying that all the time)!! It turned two just yesterday – yes, I created this story on the fourth of July, 2006. I had nothing to do that day, because my best friend didn’t come over, and most of my family was still estranged from us at the time – and I haven’t had anything to do on that day since, either. I wanted to buy some fireworks, but I forgot because my life is sort of… meh…right now. But I think I’ll still buy some anyway, and just set them off later. People up here set off fireworks starting from the first warm day of the year, right through the early fall – don’t ask me why. So, happy birthday to “The Substitutes” and happy fourth of July to everyone who lives in the United States!

Anyway, time was against me the last two weeks. The week before last, I had set out to update everything I’ve neglected since I had a lot of time and nothing to do, and everyday stuff would keep me from doing it. I resolved to change that on Friday. The day started off in my favor, and then, as soon as my mom asked me to help her set up her cellphone (I’m the tech expert of the house), it all went downhill. By the time I finished everything that needed to be done first, I had knocked back a couple of drinks in celebration of my mom’s birthday earlier in the week, was tired and completely unmotivated to do much of anything except go to bed so I wouldn’t drag my feet in the morning. Then last week, I was really strapped for time every night because I had a lot on my plate for the week… Not to mention I was very tired after carrying a lot of heavy stuff around. So, I’m finally back… But a little uninspired, because I have a lot going on in my head right now. But I should write something special to celebrate the holiday/story’s birthday, so let me see what I can think of…

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Chapter Thirty-Three

“The hunter has become the hunter.” Homer Simpson

ACT XIII

On the Stage

Three students came out on stage together and stood in the spotlight; a really short kid dressed like Napoleon, a blond kid wearing a red coat with epulets and a blonde girl in a purple dress.

“We’re the craziest people that ever lived… Probably, anyway,” the short one said. “I am Ramon Salazar.”

The Announcer was shown a cue card that said ‘That song from the ‘70s by Leonard Nimoy’.

“Bilbo, Bilbo Baggins! He’s only four feet tall!”

Player Salazar gave the announcer a dirty look.

“I am Alfred Ashford,” the blond guy said.

“No one dares pretend to be me!” the real Alfred screamed from somewhere in the audience.

“Shut up!” someone screamed back, and the next thing that could be heard was a fist-fight.

“Anyway…” the announcer said. ‘Maggie Mae by The Beatles’. “Jojo was a man who thought he was a woman but he was a frying pan - ”

“I wouldn’t bother correcting that line!” Chris shouted from the front row, and Wesker gave him a sideways glance.

“Shut the hell up, you moron.”

The blonde girl spoke up. “And I’m Alexia Ashford.” Surprisingly, there was no response from the audience.

‘Killer Queen by Queen’. “She’s a Killer Queen gunned down by the guillotine – no wait, grape power smell my beam, no… She's a Killer Queen, goodbye to Jimmy Dean, nope… she's a killer queen, dung pile of cheddar cheese, or she’s a Killer Queen got by the Joker team?... Oh, duh! She's a killer queen, gunpowder gelatine! Now what came after that? Gunpowder jeopardy? Oh, Dynamite with a laser beam!

“Oh my God,” Player Alexia said, running a hand down her face.

“She keeps a mole and a shovel in her pretty cabinet or she keeps a mower and a shovel in a pretty cabinet or she keeps mowers and handguns in her pretty cabinet - ”

“She keeps Moet et Chandon in her pretty cabinet!” Player Alexia shouted, starting to act a bit like the real one.

The teen dressed like the usher came out momentarily. “We’re not even close to that part of the play yet… We’re supposed to start from the beginning, remember?”

“Oh,” the announcer said, watching the three leave the stage behind the usher.

“Um…”

A whole group of teen replaced them, pretending to wander around the stage, which now looked like a field.

One guy, who anyone could recognize as Joseph Frost, was singing ‘Blue Da Ba Dee by Eiffel 65’ horribly, not to mention, with the wrong words.

“I'm blue, I'm in need of a diet - 'Cause I peed on a pie - I'm blue, I go pee, I eat pie - I'm blue, I got beat up and died - I'm blue I peed in the pie - I'm blue I peed and I died - I'm blue, I'm a geek, I'm a guy - I'm blue, I'm diseased, I must die - I'm blue, and I believe I can fly - Double d, dot the 'i' - I peed a blue dye - I'm blue, I just peed out a guy - I'm blue, I will ski in the sky - I'm blue, and I am zipping my fly - I'm blue, I'm in need of some fries - ”

“Would you either learn the fucking words or shut the hell up!” Player Wesker screamed at him, and he just looked at him blankly and went back to singing, totally oblivious to the sound of a growling dog nearby.

“I'm blue, I'm made of blueberry pie!”

As if that was some sort of weird – but tasty sounding if you’re an animal – signal, a bunch of papier mache Doberman Pinschers covered in fake blood were dropped on Player Joseph, who screamed very unconvincingly.

Everyone ran around the stage, shrieking, and then pretended to run through double doors while the stage crew rolled out the mansion backdrop.

“Oh, poor Joseph,” a girl, obviously meant to be Jill, said. “Who will sing his annoying song now?”

“I’m really hungry for a sandwich, but I’ll do it,” Player Barry replied.

“Hey, where’s Chris?” Player Jill asked, and Player Wesker scoffed.

“Who gives a rat’s ass?”

“HA!” the real Wesker laughed, “That is so how it should have really happened.”

Player Barry started singing terribly. “I'm blue, and I pee out pie - I'm food, I believe I've been fried - I'm food, and I'm stuck to your thigh - I'm glued to this hot apple pie - There's a knee in my thigh - I'm blue, da ba dee, da ba di,” he finally started singing the right words.

“Well, at least he sings the right words sometimes, unlike another person.” Player Wesker and the announcer exchanged glares.

“Hm, you think Chris is out here?” Player Jill asked, pointing to the double doors, and Player Wesker nodded.

“Sure, why not?”

Player Barry kept singing. “Blue, like my cornbread it's sitting outside - Blue like my toilet it's standing outside - Blue, like my corvette, it's sitting outside.”

“Mmm, cornbread,” Player Jill said, opening the door just so her head could nearly get bitten off by a dog.

“Why cornbread? I don’t like cornbread!” the real Jill shouted.

“SHUT UP!” nearly the entire audience answered – apparently her comment had offended the mix of locals who were from the countryside and enjoyed eating cornbread with chili.

Suddenly, Player Barry started singing ‘My Console by Eiffel 65’ for no particular reason. “We're gonna play all day. The playstation of J. Where metal gets shot into chicken feed. Omega boot and Resident Evil. Just play for the fun, ‘cuz we've got it goin' on!”

“Uh, that’s actually ‘we're gonna play the game. The Play Station all day. From Metal Gear Solid to Tekken 3. From Omega Boost to Resident Evil. Just play for the fun, 'cuz we've got it goin’ on’,” Player Jill corrected.

The rather creepy-looking version of Barry (like Carlos Santana if he got hit by an entire convoy) diregarded what she said, and started yelling the chorus. “P-L-A-Y-S-T-A-T-I-O-N!”

(AN: My dumbass boyfriend in 6th grade apparently couldn’t spell ‘Playstation’, because he asked me what the were spelling out in the chorus of that song.)

“Come on, let’s look for Chris,” Player Jill said, and Wesker crossed his arms.

“You go ahead. I have something to do.”

“Be careful!”

He flipped her the finger as he walked off stage, and the real Wesker laughed his ass off in the first row.

“I wonder if there’s a bathroom around here,” she said, looking around.

“Let’s look for one together!” Barry said happily, and the stage crew changed the backdrop to one of the bathroom in the one corridor of the mansion.

Player Jill walked up to the mirror on the wall, and began looking at herself… while Barry sang his heart out on ‘Boogie Wonderland by Earth Wind & Fire’. “The mirror looks you in the face - The hero hits you in the face - The mirror stares you in the face; ha, got it!”

Just then a zombie snuck up on Jill (how Barry missed it is anyone’s guess), and she grabbed it by the collar of the shirt and shoved it’s head into the toilet.

“Come on, Barry. This bathroom is dangerous.”

The real Barry was kind of disturbed by this scene, so he sought out Jill... By screaming from the other side of the auditorium. “Hey, Jill, am I really that oblivious??”

“Barry, you’re the guy who ‘investigated’ the blood and still didn’t seem to realize it was blood!” she shouted, and someone smashed her over the head with a heavy book to shut her up.

Player Barry was so thrilled by Player Jill’s handling of the zombie, that he sang ‘Fantasy by Earth Wind & Fire’ about it. “Come to see victory in a land called Fantasy. There's a lot of nudity - ”

“Come to see victory in a land called Fantasy. Loving life a new degree!” the announcer corrected.

“Take a ride in the sky. Commit infanticide - ”

“Wow, that’s just horrible. I don’t even want to get into that.”

“Take a ride in the sky on our ship, Fantasii. There, that better?”

The audience collectively agreed.

“Barry, why do you keep singing weird stuff?” Player Jill asked.

He answered with ‘I’ll Write a Song for You by Earth Wind & Fire’. “My magic ho must speak - My magical mystique.”

“Uh, right.”

They went back out to the main hall, where Player Wesker was nowhere to be found.

“Huh, guess he vaporized,” Barry said. “Let’s go look in that room over there.”

They entered, passing a long dining table, from which Barry picked up a piece of dusty food and began eating it. Before he could sing this time, though, the announcer cut him off with ‘Let’s Groove by Earth Wind & Fire’.

“Breakfast rolls, getch'a to move - Let this groove, pick up your booze - Let us groove, sift in your shoes - Let this groove, getcha to move!”

“EWW! WHAT IS THAT?!” Player Jill shrieked at a red puddle on the floor.

“Let me look!” Barry replied. “You go check out the next room, while I figure it out.”

In the next room, Jill saw something she horribly misinterpreted. “EWW! God, Kenneth, why don’t you and your friend there get a room!”

She ran back into the dining room, where Barry was still staring at the blood puddle. “Huh, tastes like cherry Kool-Aid.” Suddenly, he stood up and pointed in the direction Jill had come from. “Whoa, what’s that?”

Jill turned and looked back at what was so obviously a zombie that it wasn’t funny. “Rapist!”

“Should we take him to jail?”

“Nah, just kill him.”

So, Barry shot the “rapist” to death. “Jill, you know, you could have helped me shoot it.”

“Err… I lost my gun…”

“Every day is rare, don't go unprepared!” he tried to quote ‘Mighty Mighty by Earth Wind & Fire’.

(AN: I like that better than the actual line!)

“Nice try, but it’s ‘every day is real, don't run from the fear’,” the announcer said.

Jill looked at the corpse and sighed. “I bet you this place is full of messed up stuff, like gaint snakes, and things that need to be set on fire.”

“All about the seventeen spies - All about the serpentine fire…” Barry said absentmindedly, thinking of ‘Serpentine Fire by Eath Wind & Fire’. “Turpentine fire - Serpentine fire!”

“Barry, you are such an idiot.”

--

As you may have guessed, this was based on the very first Resident Evil… well, in this case, the Director’s Cut, because I love the scene in that where Jill is looking in the mirror and the zombie sneaks up on her. It scared me half to death the first time I played that. And it’s true – in Resident Evil, no matter which version you play, Barry is sort of an idiot. In some scenes, though, he’s even more of an idiot – not to mention, a terrible liar. ‘Talking to himself’? Yeah, right. Maybe if he was schizophrenic.

As for music, I have a lot of Beatles misheard lyrics – I’m a big Beatles fan. There was more Queen – the ‘got by the joker team’ one was actually my own; when I first heard that song, I had no clue what he was saying there, and somehow that’s what I heard. Eiffel 65 – any of you remember them? They were so popular in this country when I was in 6th grade (when “Blue Da Ba Dee” came out), and that was the only album they ever released… Not to mention the popularity of techno in America died right around then… Personally, I love techno – but I’m also mostly European, so that makes sense. “My Console” was actually a pretty funny song. How many songs are there in the world about playing video games (well, except that “Crank Ryu” thing). Earth Wind & Fire I grew up listening to – I was (and still am) obsessed with “September” as a kid. I might go back and use that… “Fantasy” I had never heard before until I played Grand Theft Auto: Vice City Stories, and it’s sort of a funny song on it’s own… But that ‘commit infanticide’ misheard lyric, oh jeez…

Eh, not the most inspired chapter. I’m really tired, so I sort of tried to speed through it at some point. Ah well, next chapter will be better. See you next time! Leave me a review and let me know what you think (any any songs/bands you’d like me to use)!