A/N: Oh my. I really don't know how to begin. First of all, I must give my absolute, most sincere apologies to my readers. i mean, the last time I updated was nearly 2 years ago! Anyways, I was just reading over my reviews and felt really guilty. I guess I was inspired by your supportive comments, so here it is! The characters might not be exactly the same as before, since I needed to refresh my memory on the whole story. Also, I can't guarantee that I'll update again soon. It's quite surprising that I sat down and wrote this during a rather busy time in my school year actually. Anyways, enjoy!

Chapter 5 - Hot Springs Mayhem

Oh my god. I'm here.

I'm actually here, standing in the hot springs changing room with the Ikkou! This is the perfect time to snag some priceless pictures of their full naked bodies.

Yes, what a brilliant plan! After this, I'll take it back to Japan, and maybe I can even put them into a museum! God yes, people will start calling me the Girl with the Fab Ikkou Pictures. I'll become fabulously famous, and then I'll never have to pay another overdraft! Now if only I had my camera…maybe Homura has a camera.

I'm about to get ready for some serious eye candy when I notice them all heading towards the changing stalls.

"Where are you all going?" I wail. How unfair! How am I going to famous now? The guys spin around slowly to study me.

"We like to be conserved." Hakkai explains patiently.

Hold on one second. Conserved? Since when was the Ikkou ever conserved? What happened to the fan service? What happened to justice? This absolutely cannot be true. I refuse to believe it. This is stupid. I whip my head around to goggle at Gojyo disbelievingly, and he just grins back. Goku is gawking at me like I just said the most stupid thing in the world. Sanzo's already disappeared behind the curtains.

Well…I suppose I should follow their example. It wouldn't do to make a fool out of myself. I mean, now that I think about it, it makes perfect sense for people to be conserved! Whatever was I thinking?

"Oh…er…right! Of course we should be! Silly me!" I chuckle embarrassingly and disappear into the nearest stall, yanking the curtains closed at top speed. Homura would be so proud of my speediness! I should enter a competition for speedy curtain closing! I think I have natural talent for this sort of thing. I really do.

Well, no pictures for me for now. I'll have to think of another witty plan. I mean, I'm really good at that. Look at where I am now! Having a relaxing hot spring bathe with the Ikkou, and they'll be all relaxed, friendly, wet, slick, hot…

Speaking of which, I'm in quite a bit of a problematic situation at the moment. Of course. I'm a girl, so I can't quite bathe with them. Maybe I could just put it very nicely to them, and they'll forgive me and let me sit this one out. No, never. I must fulfill my mission…but how?

I'm standing at the edge of the hot springs and peeking at the Ikkou cautiously. They're all staring at me expectantly. Actually, it's more like they're giving me really shocked looks. I have a perfectly reasonable excuse. I'm currently still dressed in my sandals, and tight pants (courtesy of Homura – I have a suspicion he has a whole walk-in wardrobe filled with them somewhere) with a leather jacket that I managed to get at a final sale yesterday at the market, albeit a little too big. Ok well, that's putting it too nicely. It looks like Gyumao managed to fit his enormous self in there and stretch it up a bit, quite frankly.

"Why are you still dressed?" Gojyo asks, with his eyebrows quirked upwards. Hakkai just smiles pleasantly, and Sanzo dozes. At least, I think he's dozing.

"Get in Amaro! The water's all frothy and warm!" Goku is waving at me enthusiastically, as if he really thinks I'm going to get in fully clothed. Oh dear.

I decide to humour them a bit. Come on, Yuki, you can do this. I experimentally dip my foot into the warm water. Oh my, it's so comforting, and I just want to melt right in. But I can't. I jolt my foot back dramatically and chuckle as best I can. Chuckling isn't really my thing.

In the most apologetic voice I can manage, I go, "Excellent! The water is great! But…er…I don't think I'll be able to join you guys. You see, I have this…um…really bad illness, and I can't touch steaming hot water, or I'll get all itchy and rashy…and…nauseous…" I dribble off lamely. God, lying really isn't my thing anymore. I'm losing my touch!

Gojyo still has his eyebrows quirked, Sanzo is now studying my strangely, and Goku is pouting. Oh gods no, please don't pout. No! Not the Bambi eyes!

Hakkai puts on a very patronizing look, and says, "Oh my, that's too bad. You honestly should have told us sooner, and we would have arranged for something else! But it's alright; you don't have to, of course. It's a real shame though. It's very comfortable in here!"

My god, is he trying to bribe me into getting in after all? I think I can see a gleam in his eyes. I really think so! I laugh, but my voice suddenly seems a bit too shrill for a man.

"Yes well, I think I'll just sit this one out. Don't worry; I'll be right here, on this comfortable rock!" I quickly sidle over to a flat rock nearby and pat it fondly, with a triumphant smile on my face. I plonk down in a flourish. Oh. It's not quite so comfortable after all. They should really get some more comfortable rocks around here! I mean, people do have to sit on them.

I fidget around on the stupid little rock for the billionth time and decide to take this time to watch the Ikkou. My god, they really are hot. Now why can't I have a trusty camera with me at a crucial time like this? I should start carrying cameras with me everywhere. Brilliant. People will call me the Girl with the Camera.

Gojyo has his eyes closed and a smoke in his mouth, his head pointed upwards to the sky. I'm speechless. He looks totally amazing, like those gorgeous male supermodels on the latest glossy cover of Junon. Sanzo is…well…divine. He also has a smoke; his eyes are closed, and his shining blonde hair is a bit damp on the edges. I just noticed he has really long eyelashes. I bet he was a model in his past life, too. And his lips are soooo kissable. They're slightly parted, and I can't help but feel super tingly just looking at them. I bet they're really soft. Hakkai is listening intently to Goku chatter away about…meat buns I think. How does he keep up that smile all the time? I need to smile more. I should really learn from him. He could be like Yoda! And I'd be…oh who cares. It's not like I watch Star Wars everyday. My eyes travel over to Goku. He has a cool limiter, actually. How come I never noticed? And oh my god. He really does have abs! How is that even possible? Are scrawny looking boys supposed to have abs nowadays? That must be the new trend. I can't believe I'm so behind on this! Not reading a good magazine is really getting to my head.

Alright, I'm fed up with this stupid rock.

"Ok, listen here, you smug little bastard. You win this time, but I'm coming back, and then you'll be gone for good. In fact, I think I'll replace you and your friends with…loveseats." I whisper threateningly at the rock. Or perhaps I should wrap them up in Homura's pants. I can just imagine the conniving rock looking up at me with its satisfied little smirk. Cheeky little thing.

I straighten up and notice a group of young (and very hot) young men giving me strange looks. I've been caught red-handed. I can feel my face flaming. This is so not how I imagined my day to be. Defeated, I trudge back into the changing rooms.

Looking around, there isn't much to do. No one's in here for a good chat, and there aren't those cool gadgets that are in the females' side, what with all the trendy blow dryers and nail polish and big mirrors.

Wait a second. This is perfect! Now's my chance to grab the sutra and run to my freedom! God, I'm so brilliant. I could become one of those top secret spies!

I expertly sneak towards the basket on the shelf with Sanzo's bundle of clothes. This is it. I cautiously clasp the handle and pull it out. Oh my god, it's here! I hold back a little squeal of delight as I reach in to claim my prize. My heart's beating like a storm…what if someone hears?

Suddenly, I hear the doors slide open and someone walking in. Damn. I drop the basket and make a mad dash to a rack of towels and crouch down. The basket makes a clattering sound as it hits the ground, and the contents spill out. Bloody hell, why do they have to be made out of steel? I'm definitely complaining to the managers about this. I'll have Homura shoot them down with bolts of lightning. Oh right. I don't think he has quite that much power. He only has his ugly pants.

I close my eyes, and pray to the heavens above that it's not Sanzo. Or anyone from the Ikkou, for that matter. I can hear footsteps coming towards me, and I think I'm about to scream. What a dangerous thought. I really do feel like a spy now. I mean, they always get into these kinds of situations.

The footsteps stop right in front of the rack where I'm hiding behind. Oh my god I bet it is Sanzo! He must have some super sixth sense, or maybe I'm just a natural guy magnet. I'm about to give in and shoot up to blow my cover. Who knows? It might just work! I can picture it now…

/"Surprise!"/

/"What the f- What the hell are you doing under there?"/

/"Oh I don't know, the rock was being a huge bitch, and it was boring as hell, so I decided to poke around in here!"/

/"Oh…um yeah, of course. I know exactly what you mean. I mean, I get like that all the time when Goku's in my face."/

/"I feel exactly the same way!"/

Right. Sanzo and I will totally hit it off. We'll fly off into the sunset, and then it's happily ever after. It just goes to show how much you can get from a little quality time.

I'm so caught up in my little fantasy that I almost don't notice the mysterious person finally retreating. I cautiously peek out to see who it is exactly.

Oh. It's just an old fart. Bloody hell, I feel so stupid! I can't believe I was so frightened about an innocent bloke. He was probably just getting a spare towel for his exposed, flabby bum. I stare, transfixed, as he nonchalantly reaches down to scratch his ass on his way out.

Scarred. Absolutely scarred for life. But never mind that, because now I can get back to stealing the sutra! I scuttle out and grab the sutra off the ground. Yes!! It's MINE! It's finally mine! I do a little jig around the basket and congratulate myself. I'm just about to make a bolt towards the exit, when a thought comes to me. I mean, I suppose I should tidy up his clothes and place them back, or everything will be too suspicious. God, yes. I am quite made out for all this spy stuff.

I finish cleaning up and whiz out the exit, laughing like a maniac. I mean, I can't help being so elated! Freedom is finally mine again! I'll never have to flirt with bitchy girls, or have a manly voice, or wear ugly, clashing jackets and pants again! I barely even notice the lady at the counter staring at me, bewildered.

Stepping out into the bright morning sunshine, I spread my arms and beam at the world. I couldn't be happier! This feels even better than when my first boyfriend asked me out! Ok well, maybe not.

I suddenly have the need to splurge on something in celebration. Confidently, I decide to march towards the market nearby. The first thing I must do is peel out of this disgusting outfit and get myself a gorgeous kimono. I think I saw some silk gowns at half price yesterday. I wonder if this is how snakes feel like when they're getting their new skin. Yes, that must be it. I'm very much in tune with nature. Maybe I could even go on National Geographic, and expertly introduce some wild herds of lions to my avid viewers!

I'm stepping towards the market, at least, I'm about to do just that when I'm suddenly flying hundreds of feet into the air. Oh my god. I didn't think I was quite this excited! I mean, I'm flying. I'm really flying.

On second thought, I have an ugly, sinking feeling about this. I think I know what's going on. I don't dare look down at my kidnapper. This feels extremely familiar. Preparing myself, I gaze down expectantly at a horrible pair of ugly, out dated jeans that would make any man cry in shame. Any man, other than Homura of course. I mean, I'd rather he wore a skirt than to have to see those awful pants. Bloody hell, those pants look familiar too. I realize in horror that maybe they are. Are they really the same? Does he even wash his pants?

My thoughts are cut short as Homura mysteriously knocks me unconscious. How in the world did that ever happen? Why, why, why does he always have to ruin everything? What if I die? I mean, I'm not quite ready to go off to Heaven just yet. Especially not in these horrible beige jeans that Homura gave me. I would be in absolute shame. Whatever would Kanzeon Bosatsu think?

…Bugger it.

A/N: Well, there you go! Thanks to my reviewer Wolf for that awesome line about Homura's pants. I just had to put it in. I was originally planning for Yuki to be caught by the Ikkou, but decided to have Homura come into the plot again...with more of his beige pants. Review, if you please.