'The Talk'

By: xxlostdreamerxz

Disclaimer: No, I do not own HP. Oh there will be some slash jokes or insinuations, so deal.

Summary: A short hopefully humorous fic set in the DT universe. Ah, the horrible time has come, Voldemort has to face his worst fear: giving his twelve-year old heir "The Talk." The fic will be around four or so chapters long, I think.

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Chapter 1: Confusion Galore!

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Alex Mortimer, the Dark Heir, frowned as he stared at the towering form of his father. He couldn't place it, but something felt decisively off. His golden brown eyes narrowed suspiciously as he noted the way the Dark Lord seemed to be...twitching. No, that couldn't be right. Twitching was something Death Eaters did; not Voldemort, the 'badass-est' Dark Lord of the century.

"Come in, brat."

Was it just him, or did he happen to hear a tremor in his father's voice. Alex gave the man a once over before slowly entering the study. Something bad had happened, very bad by the look on Voldemort's face. Alex's brows furrowed as he tried to pin-point the problem.

'Did he find a spy?'

"You must we wondering why I summoned you, so early this morning," drawled the Voldemort, breaking the silence. He motioned Alex towards one of the spare armchairs before him, which the boy took willing.

'Or maybe one of the inner circle got captured?' tried Alex, as he nodded absentmindedly.

Voldemort, eager to get the discussion over with, quickly launched in. "I have noticed, brat, that you have grown greatly since we've first met," he started awkwardly. "And as much as it pains me to have this...discussion, I feel that it is necessary due to recent developments."

Alex pouted. 'Great, just great. What did I do now?'

"As my heir, I have noted, that my Death Eaters seemed to have taken a liking to you," Voldemort continued, trying to keep his voice steady. "And I was wondering if you've...noticed their advances?"

Alex's sullen look evaporated into confusion. "Well, yes, of course," he stated, meeting his Father's surprised look. "After all, as you heir, I need to be on top of all Death Eater politics."

Now, it was Voldemort's turn to be confused. "So you have noticed the way those Death Eaters have been staring at you?"

Alex glared. "Of course," he said, looking a bit offended. "I may be clueless sometimes father, but I'm not stupid."

Voldemort couldn't help but sigh in relief. 'Thank Merlin! I don't need to give him 'The Talk.' Leaning back against his chair and gave his heir and evaluating glance.

"So? What are you going to do about it?"

Alex blinked in confusion. "Well, I suppose I'll accept them of course."

Voldemort's head jerked up in surprised. "You'll what!"

"I said I'll accept their advances, father," he repeated slowly, well aware that his father's face had shifted from a pale, sallow color to that of prude. Alex raised an eyebrow, at Voldemort's look of horror. "After all, it's what you've told me to do all along, right?"

The Dark Lord couldn't for the life of him recall when he'd felt so completely horrified. "I...I've never told you to do that!" he managed to stuttered out after a long moment of silence.

"Yes you did," he retorted, giving his father an even look. "You told me during my initiation awhile back to take in as many allies as I can." A glint of pride flashed across Alex's face. "And now, well, what can I say, your Death Eaters love me!"

'Please let this be a nightmare...'

Voldemort resisted the urge to pinch his arm. After all, he was a Dark Lord. And Dark Lords were not suppose to be prone to having nightmares. He sighed lightly. But then again, no Dark Lord had ever had a heir like Alex.

"So are you saying that in order to gain their...favor, you've allowed them to crawl all over you!" Voldemort demanded, after finding his tongue.

Alex frowned. "Of course not, Father. I wouldn't ever do such a thing."

Voldemort's eyes narrowed in anger. "Then, everything you've said as of yet, has been in jest, hasn't it?"

"Noo," drawled Alex, looking even more confused by the second. "I meant that I don't let them crawl over me. After all, as the Dark Heir, I'm the leader."

Feeling his anger evaporate instantaneously, Voldemort slumped against his chair. 'Merlin, where did I go wrong?' he muttered mentally. 'I mean sure I wasn't a great role model, but hell, I've never even considered doing something so...bad.'

'He...he made my entire army of Death Eaters into a harem...'

Voldemort wanted to cry. This had to be the worst day in his life. He could just imagine the taunts and rumors that the Light side would spread once they caught wind of this.

'So that's why we call me You-Know-Who! His Death Eaters are the only ones who could scream his name, isn't it?'

'No wonder the boy rides a broomstick so well! I've heard that Death Eaters are such stallions!'

Voldemort flinched at the thought. 'No, no and no. I won't allow that to happen!' With such horrific consequences in mind, he forced himself to calm down and meet his heir's inquisitive glance.

"Alex?" he asked carefully. "Which Death Eaters have you accepted so far."

Alex shrugged lightly. "I didn't really count, but probably around seven this week."

"Oh? And how might these lovely people be?"

Alex raised an eyebrow. "All outer circle witches and wizards of course," he said calmly. "Actaeon, Ceyx, Daedalus, Leto, Peleus, Sisyphean, and Thoth."

'Good, now all I need to do is murder those bastards before words gets out,' Voldemort schemed mentally, as he gave his heir a nod of confirmation.

"But Father, why are you asking about this now?" Alex said with a puzzled frown. "I've been getting support from Death Eaters since my initiation."

Voldemort flinched in horror. His little heir's hedonistic lifestyle had been going on for that long! Merlin, how could he have missed the signs!

"I don't know why you think it's that big of a deal," Alex added grumpily. "I thought you'd be happy that I've gain your followers' loyalty. It isn't like I've done anything awful."

Voldemort sighed. "Don't you understand at all, boy?"

Alex crossed his arms defiantly. "No, it is you who doesn't understand," he retorted. "All I do is order them around like you do. Nothing more, nothing less."

The Dark Lord perked up at the words. "Nothing more?" he repeated. "So are you telling me that you are not having a sordid affair with any of my Death Eaters?"

"Of course not!" yelped Alex, looking distinctively horrified. "Why would I do something like that?"

"So you have not made my army into a harem, correct?"

"NO!"

"And you have not accepted any invitations from any Death Eaters to bed?"

"HELL NO!"

Voldemort didn't know whether to be relieved or horrified. On one hand, he was safe from the Light side's jokes about him and his...wand. The Dark Lord glanced over and met the brat's quickly darkening expression. He sighed, on the other hand, seeing as how his heir still didn't have knowledge about sex, he was still required to give the boy 'The Talk."

'Merlin, help me,' he murmured in despair.

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Sorry the last part doesn't really flow that well. I got lazy. "-";;