Hello, fellow NaruSasu fans. This is an idea that poofed into my head while watching Family Guy the other night. Expect OOCness and stuff. Drunk Sasuke needs to be weird in order for this to work. And It's Fan FICTION, not an actual manga volume/anime episode. So SHUT UP. Cruddy title, I know. A play on "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie" is corny to the max. But leave it alone. It's the fic that counts, dammit!

Warning: Yaoi, language, Sexual references, drunkenness, alcohol, OOCness

Pairing: Naruto/Sasuke

Rating: MFor language and above warnings

Summary: Taking that jerk to a bar seemed like stupidest thing he'd done yet. But Who knew the jerk was so much fun when he was drunk?

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. If I did, Cartoon Network wouldn't have laid a hand on it.

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If You Give A Sasuke Booze...

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"Ne, Sasuke-Teme, you drunk yet?" Asked one slightly tipsy Uzumaki Naruto. His tan face was flushed from laughing at the bartender's jokes, and from the mass alcohol consumption.

"Fuck no," Uchiha Sasuke answered, hiccuping quietly after taking a sip of his sake. He was in fact drunk off his ass. But he hid it well... or so he thought.

"Yes you are," The blonde shinobi laughed at his comrade, then ordered another beer. He knew a drunk when he saw one, and Sasuke was as drunk as a drunk! Wait... what?

The normally calm and collected boy childishly crossed his arms, scowling. He turned his bar stool around, so he was facing away from Naruto. "Am not."

"Are too!" A huge, fox-like grin was spread across his face, his blue eyes dancing with laughter.

"Am not," He stuck his tongue out, now facing the other boy.

"Screw that! What's the fun in not bein' drunk? You need more," The kyuubi vessel proceeded to force his entire mug of beer down the raven-haired boy's throat, getting kicked in the groin once the drink was gone. "FUCK YOU."

Sasuke then did the unthinkable... he laughed. It wasn't one of his little 'I'm cooler than you so I'm gonna laugh at you' snickers, either. It was a deep, hearty laugh. Coming from one of the most stoic people in history.

"WHAT THE HELL?" He gaped, staring at his friend in shock and disbelief. His shock slowly turned to amusement, however, as he realized how much fun this drunk Sasuke could pan out to be. "Four more beers!"

After downing three of those four, Sasuke was inevitably drunk. He laughed at everything. His hair was somehow messed up. Probably from going round and round on the bar stool over and over. Naruto was loving it.

After chugging a few of his own drinks, Naruto glanced at Sasuke. "You're drunk," He proudly declared, slamming his fist down on the bar.

"You're sexy," Sasuke replied, poking his ramen-loving friend, the most freaky smile imaginable on his face.

And that's when Naruto's glee turned to horror. He wanted to curl up in the fetal position and suck his thumb. Or die. Whichever was more convenient. "WHAT THE FUCK?" With that, he fell backwards, out of the barstool, and onto the cold, cement floor. He screeched once more in horror at the Uchiha's actions, then everything went black.

The bartender's eye twitched. "...Take him home. He needs rest."

Sasuke smirked mischievously "I plan on it..."

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Naruto woke up he next morning with a massive aching in his head. The room was dimly lit, so he couldn't see a thing. When he tried to open the curtains from his bed, nothing happened. No happy burst of sunshine filtered through his room. It was raining outside. Fuck. And his head hurt like it had been run over by two herds of stampeding cattle. 'God dammit. Stupid fucking hangovers,' All he remembered of the previous night was drinking. As he stood up, He cried out as another horrible aching overtook him. This time in his lower body instead of his head. 'Wonderful. I must've fallen flat on my ass last night and bruised something,' He sat back down on his bed, and the ache subsided.

Sasuke stirred slightly as he felt a weight shift the bed. As soon as he opened his eyes he regretted waking up. Pain surged through his head, making him wince slightly. 'And who the fuck is on my... wait... this isn't my bed! My bed's bigger... and it smells like fabric softener... not ram– HOLY SHIT.' The panic button in Sasuke's head had been pressed. He shot up in the bed, gasping loudly.

Naruto practically peed himself as he heard somebody stir nearby. "WHO'S THERE?"

"NARUTO!"

"SASUKE!"

Two sets of eyes were as wide as dinner plates, staring at the other with absolute disbelief. Nobody dared to utter a word.

"Why are you in my bed?'

"That's what I'd like to know!"

"Teme, did we–?" Naruto noticed that Sasuke, like himself, was practically nude.

"I don't know!" The usually calm, cool, and collected boy was now frantic, panting heavily as beads of sweat rolled down his flushed face.

The blonde finally decided to be rational for once in his life. "Teme, I have a hangover, and I'm sure you do, too," Sasuke nodded. "So maybe we were so drunk we decided to come to my place and crash?"

"I guess... but that doesn't explain... this," He pointed to his slightly wrinkled boxers and otherwise bare lower half, blushing and pulling a sheet over himself.

"Well, Sasuke, those are called underpants, and..."

"NO! NOT THAT, USURATONKACHI!"

"You mean the naked... ness?" Naruto blushed, noting that he was clad in his blue spiral-decorated boxers.

"Yes."

"... maybe we were too lazy to change into PJs?"

"Yeah! Maybe that's it..."

Naruto smiled widely. "Problem solved!" He stood up triumphantly, only to scream in pain and fall down again.

"What's wrong?" Sasuke asked, quirking an eyebrow quizzically.

"MY ASS HURTS LIKE SOMEONE TOOK A MOTHER FUCKING HAMMER AND POUNDED ON IT!" He screeched, rolling around like a madman.

"Oh Shit."

"OH SHIT IS RIGHT, JACKASS!"

"I'm never drinking again. Ever. Now if you'll excuse me, I need a bath... and therapy," Sasuke stiffly pulled on his shoes, shirt, and pants, not caring if they were dirty, and walked in a zombie-like manner towards the door, not saying another word.

Naruto just sat there. "I don't think I'll ever be able to walk again." He said, looking his beloved nightcap in the eyes. Suddenly, a realization hit him. Sasuke, his sworn enemy and sometimes best friend, had screwed him. He was going to need a few gallons of Holy Water and 10 bars of industrial strength soap. In his panicked state, he didn't notice the sloppily written note on his night stand.

Naruto,

Just in case you're wondering, I brought you home from the bar last night. You passed out 'cuz you hit your head on the floor. Then I dropped you while I was carrying you home. You fell on your ass. I laughed. Hard. I forgot how buttons worked, so I left you in your underpants. I need sleep now. Don't be mad, please.

-Sasuke

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Owari