The Fourth Wall

(as inspired by Syaoran no Hime)

In Africa, Horohoro is stampeded by a bunch of African wildebeest, having been shoved off the cliff by Ren. "ZOMG IM FALLING AND GETTING STEPPED ON BY CARABAO! LOL ROFLMAO!"

In Morio, Pilika falls into the bottomless pit, having been dragged off the Bridge by the Balrog. "AAHHHH! SHEO! I HATE YOU!"

"Kuya, you're a mean person," Jess scolded.

"But I couldn't help it…" the Author whines.

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And so continues…

An Impossibly Twisted Fairy Tale

Episode Four

lyserg's fall

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Lyserg sighed. He didn't mind getting betrothed. Tradition was tradition. Still, he wished that at least he himself be allowed to pick the girl he would marry.

But this Princess Jeanne didn't sound too bad a fiancée. From the portraits sent by the D'Arc Clan, she was very pretty. Almost as pretty as me, come to think of it.

Lyserg blushed. Stop comparing her to yourself, dummy! She's a girl! And what kind of guy likes to look like a girl? Weirdo…

But she is beautiful. And she seems kind, too. No, she isn't a bad choice, not at all…

It was beginning to snow outside.

The diminutive, hunchbacked figure wrapped in tattered robes stood outside the gates of Castle Diethyl for the longest time. "Come on, you high-living, tea-loving, cooking-sucks-as-badly-as-airport-food snobs," grumbled a small voice as snow piled up on his head.

"Calling Number 456, Number 456," the PA speaker announced, "You may now have your scheduled audience with King Diethyl. Calling Number 456…"

"Finally!" The robed figure shuffled past the row of tall Beefeater Guards guarding the gate. "Stupid random numbers…"

"Stupid hobbit," a Beefeater muttered to his partner.

"It's a Jawa, dummy."

"Hobbit."

"Jawa."

"Will the both of you shut up?" a third guard, who was a Filipino immigrant, snapped. "I say it's a Tiyanak, and that's that."

Lyserg entered the throne room, only to nearly trip on a small bundle of black rags.

"OW! WATCH WHERE YOU'RE WALKING, YOU ARISTOCRATIC CLOD!" the offended bundle snarled at him.

The Prince blinked. A pile of clothes that talked? "Is that any way to talk to the prince of this country?" Lyserg asked.

"Hey!' the bundle suddenly exclaimed. "You're my target!" Manta flung off his robes, pulled out a weird looking staff and zapped Lyserg with it. "Hah! You're gone, Prince!"

Nothing happened. Lyserg was unharmed and unchanged. "What the–"

"Yikes!" Manta was in a panic. "Mistress! The British Ray! It didn't work!"

"Of course, it didn't work, you moron," came the telepathic message. "He's British."

A single hailstone fell from the sky, went through a window and rapped Manta hard on the head. "Now, stop wasting time and just shoot him with the right Ray already."

"Yes, Mistress!" Manta got up and aimed the staff at Lyserg. "Avadra Kedavra!"

Alarmed, Lyserg dodged the green beam. Instead the death ray spell hit the Prime Minister, who died instantly.

"You blundering fool! The Prime Minister was on our side!"

"Ah! Sorry, Mistress!" Then Manta was mobbed by the Beefeater Guards, who shot him, bayoneted him, clubbed him with the butts of their rifles and kicked him again and again while they reloaded. (Complete with 60s fighting special effects.)

"Kill the hobbit!" one snarled. POW!

"Damn Jawa!" KICK!

"Tiyanak! Mamatay ka, anak ni Janice! Etong 'i-Sukob' mo! Bumalik ka sa 'Shake, Rattle and Roll'!" MANNY PACQUIAO'S K.O. PUNCH!

"OOF! AUGH! ARGH! AI BARRERA! HELP ME, MISTRESS!"

"How pathetic." Suddenly the entire room filled with ice. Anna rose from the mirror-like sheen of the frozen floor. "Never send a shrimp to do a woman's job."

"It's the Ice Queen! Guards! Get her!"

"Too late for all of you." Anna froze all the soldiers and officials, as well as the King and Queen. She turned to Lyserg. The boy drew his sword. "You monster!" he bravely declared as he charged. "Die, fiend!"

With just a thought, Anna froze his legs. As Lyserg struggled, she walked over to him, took away his sword and smirked. "My, my, but you are a handsome boy, aren't you? And a strong-willed one, too," she added as he glared hatefully at her. "You merit special consideration."

The Ice Queen withdrew a vial of clear blue liquid from her bosom. (Lyserg blushed.) She poured its contents into her mouth but did not drink it. Instead she cupped Lyserg's face with her hands and kissed him, passing the liquid into him through their kiss.

"Delicious," Anna murmured as she ended it.

Lyserg spat vilely. "You– that was my first kiss! Unforgivable!" Then he shuddered violently. "What's happening to me?"

"Will your princess still fall in love with you," Anna asked evilly, "If you are now a monster in her eyes?"

His scream failed to overpower her evil chuckling.

"EWWWW! ANNA WANTED TO MAKE BABIES WITH LYSERG! YUCK!"

Sesshomaru and Kikyo exchanged brief, knowing, amused looks even as Rin guzzled an entire glass of Anchor Milk to get the foul taste out of her mouth.

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and we all know this will be continued- if i survive the flames for having anna kiss lyserg... gomennasai, jeanne-chama (sobs)...