Aerith

Rating: PG-13/T

Genre: Humor/Parody

Summary: A parody of Mulan. To save her foul-mouthed father, Cid, from going to war, Aerith crossdresses and goes in his place. Good thing the army's full of idiots…

Author's Note: Time to start the parodies… Bwahaha… Oh yeah, and I'm just going to start right at Mulan/Aerith's house.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Hear me out there, in hyperspace? NOTHING! Both Kingdom Hearts and Final Fantasy VII & VIII belong to Tetsuya Nomura. And Mulan… belongs to Disney.

"COCK-A-DOODLE-DOOO!"

Reno- the town crazy who believed he was a rooster, and frequently trumpeted the signal that morning had arrived- giggled. "I said co-"

"RENO! GET OFF THE ROOF!" Came Tseng's bark from below. Nearby, in a house with a pretty little windmill on top, Aerith was writing on her arm with a brush and some ink.

"Poise… Class… Foul mouth… Frying pan… Midol… Everything it takes to be a successful wife." She muttered as she painted on her arm. Then, she put down the brush and narrowed her eyes. "Wait a minute- why am I painting this on my arm? Won't it wash off?" Just then, Elena poked her head through the door.

"Well, yes," The Turk said. "But you're not supposed to realize that until later. Now get up! You're late!" Aerith let out a shriek.

"Late? LATE? OH CRUD! OH CRUD! I CAN'T HAVE A KID YET!" She screamed. Elena slapped her forehead.

"Late for the matchmaker appointment, twit!" She said. There was a pause, and then Elena's eyes widened. "Why? Is there something you'd like to share with the rest of the class?" Aerith blushed.

"Er… No…" She muttered. "Nothing worthy of putting on the internet…" Just then, town crazy number two (Sora), came dashing in on all fours. This one believed he was a dog.

"RAFF!" Sora barked, sticking his tongue out and wagging the stick he had taped to his a… derriere.

"WHAT THE (Censored)! AERITH! SHUT THAT (Censored) (Censored) THE (Censored) UP, (Censored)!" Came a roar from outside at the family shrine. Aerith sighed.

"Well, Daddy's up…" She mumbled, tying a sack of feed to Sora's "tail". "Go feed the chocobos, Sora." Sora let out a happy "ruff!" and dashed outside, yapping up a storm. Aerith quickly threw on a dress and ran outside. She stopped and did a double-take when she saw Elena, Tseng and Rude leaning against the wall. "What are you three doing here?" She asked, confused.

"We're here to keep the story moving along." Tseng said. "And, of course, to make sure no one gets killed until they're supposed to." Elena and Rude nodded in agreement. Aerith blinked.

"Er… Okay, I'll go with that." And so, she ran on, the three Turks following at a distance.

"AERITH! I TOLD YOU TO GET THIS (Censored) THING THE (Censored) OUT OF THE (Censored) YARD!" Cid roared. He had Sora by the collar, and was dragging the panting and barking teenager behind him.

"Sorry, Daddy," Aerith said. "I have to go to the-" Without warning, Cid collapsed. A second later, he was face down on the ground, snoring. Aerith sighed. "Damn narcolepsy."(1) She turned to the Turks, particularly Rude, who was unzipping a body bag. "Back off- he's still alive." Looking disappointed, he put away the bag.

Yuffie was pacing around, waiting for Aerith in town. "Where the hell is she?" The Ninja snapped. "She's late!" Nearby, Saix (A/N: Yes, the Nobody from Kingdom Hearts II) stared at her.

"Late? Well, it's none of my business, but I'm just saying… She better not stick the kid with you."
"NOT THAT TYPE OF 'LATE'!" Yuffie barked. Saix held up a hand.

"Okay, but I'm just saying… For future reference…" He mumbled. Yuffie slapped her forehead and looked down the street.

"I'm gonna kill her! Can't she ever be on time?" Saix sighed.

"She's going to need all the luck she can get. Good thing I bought this cricket!" He said cheerfully, pulling out a small cage. In it was a little blue cricket playing a sitar. This happy little cricket's name was Demyx- actually, he was a boy that had been turned into a cricket. And actually, he wasn't happy- he was depressed. Why? If you were a cricket that was having an affair with the living flame of Organization XIII, wouldn't you be depressed if some bstard turned you into a cricket?

Yuffie peered at the depressed cricket and cocked an eyebrow. "A cricket, Saix?" She asked. Saix nodded happily.

"A lucky cricket!" He said. Well, Yuffie thought. At least he's not obsessed with the moon anymore… That howling he was doing was really pssing off the neighbors… "And I'll prove it!"

"Huh?" Yuffie asked. She had been enveloped with a memory of the blue-silver haired Nobody on all fours, howling at the moon as the neighbors screamed at him, and hadn't heard what he'd said. She found out what he said a moment later, when he covered his eyes with one hand and held up Demyx's cage with the other, before walking into the busy traffic on the street.

"SAIX! GET BACK HERE!" Yuffie shrieked. Saix ignored her and walked on. Demyx was so horrified with what Saix was doing, if he'd had a heart, he would have dropped dead from fear. Carts and bicycles crashed and screeched around him as he walked. Yuffie covered her eyes with both hands and whimpered, not wanting to watch.

A few seconds later, she heard Saix call out, "Yeah, this cricket's a lucky one!" Yuffie cracked open an eye, and then groaned. The street was a mess, and Saix was untouched. Demyx's mental tolerance finally gave out, and he fainted dead away. Yuffie groaned- she'd hear about this later. She did a sudden double-take when she saw Aerith running up the street, the Turks following at a close distance.

"Whoa, did someone die that wasn't supposed to?" Tseng asked.

"DMMIT, WE MISSED IT!" Elena shouted.

"YOU'RE LATE!" Yuffie screamed. Aerith let out a distraught wail.

"I'M SORRY! I'M SO SORRY! IT WAS ONLY ONE OR TWO TIMES!" She cried.

"NOT THAT TYPE OF LATE!" Everyone screamed. Suddenly, they all blinked and leaned back.

"Though, if you'd like to share your romantic escapades with us… We'll listen…" Saix said. Aerith blushed.

"Never mind." She whispered.

(1) Narcolepsy: A sleeping disorder. I don't know the finer details, but I've been told it's basically where someone falls asleep unpredictably. Yeah… I think my mom had a college classmate with that. Correct me if I'm wrong, though.