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Ready for Love

Written by:

PetPetAngel

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“You got me deeper than deep and I'm constantly blinded,
I'm running around but there's no place to hide,
I start to talk in my sleep, our souls have divided,
Why can't they forgive me these demons inside?
Deeper than deep and I'm constantly blinded,
My heart starts to shiver for I was letting up,
I start to talk in my sleep, cause our souls have divided…
How can it be that you're ready for love?”

“Ready for Love” - Cascada

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Cosmo strokes Timmy’s face longingly, letting himself sigh tiredly before retracting his hand. “God,” he says quietly to himself, eyes still on the fishbowl so close to the bed. He continues to caress the sleeping boy’s cheeks, “I love you so much. This isn’t fair… Why can’t I love you more?” Cosmo shakes his head.

He’s been on this train of thoughts one too many times. It tires him out to think like this, but he’s bitter and not afraid to admit. He wishes there was something more he could do, something so that he could take his godchild in his arms and never have to worry about a hateful glance in his direction. Cosmo wishes a lot these days, just… Not aloud.

So maybe he’s sick, but that doesn’t change how he feels for Timmy. He almost wishes it did, because life would be so much easier if this weight weren’t weighing down on his shoulders like a ton of bricks. His father’s words come to him, “Beggars can’t be choosers, son,” and he laughs quietly. It’s true, after all.

But he certainly does wish he could choose. You’re still such a child at heart, his mother would tell him if only she could see him now. Cosmo can’t help but feel that he has a right to wish, a right to hope for something better, something simpler, and something purer.

Cosmo knows well that he’s pushing his luck, pushing it hard. There were never godchildren like Timmy – they were more once every thousand years, and Timmy was Cosmo’s first. He’s told Wanda his thoughts, but she just laughs because she’s been there before and she doesn’t understand what Timmy means to him. She doesn’t understand how much he cares.

No one understands how much he cares. They don’t understand why he acts like he does, they don’t understand why he’s a goofball. He does it because it makes Timmy happy, because to Cosmo, sometimes it doesn’t seem like there could possibly anything more beautiful than Timmy smiling at him, for him.

He loves the boy certainly a lot more than he’s willing to admit to the world, but he even loves him more than he’s comfortable to admit to himself. Cosmo knows it’s not a fantastic thing when the mere thought of a world without Timmy makes his stomach churn. Imagining anything bad happening to the boy makes him want to cry, and Cosmo knows that’s not the best reaction to have.

It’s not his fault that he cares like that, and nothing that happens can make him think otherwise. In his mind, Cosmo knows that he is always at peace as long as Timmy is safe, happy, and content. Even if it’s not with him.

I sound so selfish, Cosmo thinks, and he knows in his heart it’s true. He has a beautiful, caring wife who would do anything for him and his happiness, and here he is, thinking of nothing but Timmy’s happiness, not hers. Cosmo then resolves to start thanking Wanda a little bit more, if only out of courtesy.

He would hate me, is his next thought, and he certainly doesn’t like it. They all would hate me, he knows, because no relationship with Timmy other than a platonic love is good for either of them. It hurts to think that his feelings, so deep and so hidden would hurt the one he loved so much. He doesn’t like to think like that.

He doesn’t want to know how brutally unfair it is.

He thinks of all the hurt he would cause, to Wanda, to Timmy (and he most certainly doesn’t admit to himself that Timmy’s name did in fact come before Wanda’s), and to himself. He winces involuntarily at his thoughts – he’d never want to hurt Timmy like that. The hassle isn’t almost worth it, but it’s not Cosmo’s choice.

And because it’s just very fucking depressing, Cosmo leaves.

-

When Timmy wakes up, something’s not right. Something in the air is off, wrong, missing. He hasn’t even opened his eyes, but he knows that there is something that’s left, gone, disappeared, and it gives him the worst bad feeling in his stomach. He bites his lip, feels that even though it’s the weekend, it’s going to be long and horrible. He’s never felt that way on a Saturday.

And when he opens his eyes, he likes what he sees even less. When he turns on his side, his heart sinks to his stomach. For a moment panic, pure panic fills him, and he tries to speak but can’t say anything. He tries three times before giving up and trying to get out of bed, but his legs are tangled in the sheets and he falls with a dull ‘thud’ on the floor.

He groans in pain but says nothing until he hears Wanda’s concerned voice in his ears. The deep worry etched into her features when he opens his eyes makes him think she’s called his name a few more times than once, and he lets out another groan of pain as acknowledgement of her worry.

His throat is surprisingly dry for waking up – it has been before but never so bad. He feels it’s roughness every time he inhales, and he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. If he’s not mistaken, his parents are calling his name, but his mom’s voice does sound suspiciously like Wanda’s. He lets his head thump back to the floor before opening his eyes again.

His eyes dart to the fishbowl. He’s not there, and Cosmo’s curious tone doesn’t mix with Wanda’s worried one. He’s amazed his parents haven’t come upstairs, not that he minds. Deftly he points vigorously to the fishbowl and before she even turns around, Wanda’s eyes are surprised and worried, but Timmy’s sure it’s for a different reason.

She turns quickly on her heels, momentarily forgetting about him, and angrily and impatiently, Timmy attempts vainly to untangle himself. He hears Wanda mumbling to himself, “No, no, not Dairy World, he wouldn’t have gone there… For the last time, Fairy World is too obvious! Still…”

She turns to him, finally acknowledging his presence once more, but before she can’t speak, Timmy’s voice is more desperate than he thought it would be, “We have to find him,” and Wanda shakes her head in an affirmative nod, helping him untangle. He’s only sometimes like the way he curled the blankets around him in a cocoon while he slept.

“We should try Scary World,” Wanda speaks, thinking as she continues, “Cosmo was talking about his natural nose last night… Maybe he went off to get a few scares,” and she looks to him for any objection.

“No,” Timmy shakes his head, not certain why he’s so sure of his answer, “Cosmo’s not one for scaring… He’s usually the one scared in Scary World. Not to mention, the last time you poofed me somewhere without Cosmo’s help you got tired and couldn’t poof me back. We have to decide on one place and go there, knowing we’re right.”

Wanda seems more than just vaguely surprised over his over-confident answer, and Timmy feels himself blushing. After what he can only assume is initial shock, Wanda looks rather embarrassed herself. “Why didn’t I think of that,” she says to herself, but before she can say anything else to finish the thought Timmy speaks up again –

“Cosmo’s at Fairy World.”

This time Wanda looks outright shocked, and Timmy thinks to how he must’ve sounded. He knows well that he did not sound like himself, because he’s never been so certain of himself in his entire life, and with a skeptical glance Wanda asks, “Why are you so sure of yourself, sweetie?”

Timmy shakes his head, once again embarrassed for reasons he can’t explain. He’s unsure of how to answer Wanda, only slightly worried that the answer he’s thought of will make her laugh. But her serious face and her coaxing eyes make him forget his doubts and he finds himself saying, “I feel him.”

Wanda doesn’t even have the heart to look shocked again, but Timmy is only happy that she didn’t laugh. Still, her expression has gone more serious than it was only a few moments before. “What do you mean you ‘feel’ him?”

Timmy closes his eyes, shrugs. “I don’t know. He’s there, though.”

Wanda nods and Timmy is shocked that she is so understanding, but he supposes he shouldn’t have expected any less from Wanda, one half of a whole idiot and with a caring heart half as big.

-

The talks started about two months ago. It was strange at first – hell, it still is strange, but he figures it’s one of the only ways he’ll feel better. His parents had always told him not to keep his problems bottled up inside and that if he was uncomfortable about anything, he should most certainly tell somebody.

Anti-Cosmo was not the ‘somebody’ anybody would’ve had in mind.

But the more Cosmo had thought about it, the more it made sense. Whenever he went to his anti-self to talk to him about his problems, he felt less worry over being judged. He had made Anti-Cosmo in the very beginning promise not to tell a soul, and of the few things true that Anti-Cosmo still kept, his word was one of them.

He had had his doubts at first, and he still had them, but Cosmo didn’t know who else to turn to. He couldn’t turn to any of the people he felt closest to because they were part of the problem. He’d never go to Juandissimo, nor would he go to Mama Cosma. He wasn’t an idiot all of the time… He just often lacked common sense. Anti-Wanda, her stupidity part of her caring wouldn’t be good enough to help, and that left her partner for life… Anti-Cosmo.

Getting Jorgen to leave him alone with the anti-fairy was like trying to get a dog to abandon his favorite bone. But eventually, with a tracking device on Anti-Cosmo as well as magic-proof cuffs, and Jorgen on the other side of a door, they let him talk to his anti-self. Cosmo thinks it’s rather sad that he found so much solace in the anti-fairy who might not only not care, but tell others.

But to his slight surprise, that didn’t happen. The anti-fairy listened to him, and even though he never said much back, and nothing in comfort, Cosmo became comfortable talking to the other fairy – maybe he could even say that he depends on him. Cosmo knows that that’s another one of those ‘not great’ things to decide on, but once more that isn’t his choice.

He wants release, and Anti-Cosmo gives it to him.

-

And when Cosmo sees Timmy next, the boy isn’t reacting at all like he had thought. Cosmo supposes that leaving when the boy could find out is a large cause for his reaction, but it’s still startling. Timmy is hugging him more than Wanda is and seems afraid like he’d almost lost his fairy-godparent forever.

Cosmo holds the boy back, enjoying the embrace more than he ever should’ve. It almost seems like Timmy is going to start crying, and the fact scares Cosmo more than he wishes it did. Knowing that not knowing where he was for a few hours had done this to Timmy, Cosmo wonders what it would be like if they ever got in trouble and Timmy lost them – him, forever. That thought scares him as well.

Cosmo doesn’t keep track of time as he holds Timmy, so he can’t distinguish whether it was minutes or hours that he had done so. All he knows is that when Wanda is telling him to let Timmy go, there is a sharp pang of emptiness in his heart and Cosmo knows that he’s let Timmy get too close.

But only part of him is angry, the part that says that now that he knows what it’s like to hold Timmy, he’ll want to more and more, and eventually lose control, because no one can resist their desire forever. Cosmo winces at that train of thought.

But another part of him is celebrating, rejoicing that Timmy trusts him enough to hold him and to share all of him with him. All of the emotions, including some which could lead to general embarrassment if not understood correctly. Maybe he thinks I’m smarter than he lets on, Cosmo thinks, but the pessimist in him tells him to squash that hope.

Wanda tells him that Timmy’s gone and fallen asleep, and that he has to be put in bed. With a quick flick of her want, he’s already in his pajamas and Cosmo needs to be careful once more, doubting his self-restrain due to his thoughts. Wanda leaves him to putting the boy in his bed and before he can question, she ‘poof’s away to god knows where.

Cosmo takes a deep, shuddering breath, uncertain of everything and never having doubted anything like he did then. He shakes his head to clear it of thoughts, taking another deep breath in hopes of it helping.

He stands up and sets the boy on his bed, brushing the bangs out of his still tear-stained face. He shakes his head sadly, but still somewhat content of how close the boy has let him come. Cosmo suddenly realizes how lucky he really, truly is, and he wonders if he’s ever been scared so often so much.

He lifts Timmy’s legs absently, pulling the covers over him and shaking his head once more. He knows he loves Timmy, with all his heart… And he’s starting to think that he loves Wanda, but is in love with Timmy. That scares him too, because he shouldn’t be that in love with the boy who has on idea what he can do to him.

So with only a light kiss to the lips, Cosmo turns away, because neither of them are ready for love.