Title: Stay

Author: Shy Apocalypse

Series: Gundam Wing

Warnings: Character Death, sad almost, gritty reflections on life. Again. I swear, I’m getting too fond of killing this particular boy off...maybe because he frustrates me so much, when I’m trying to find his own groove...and I always hate doing this. But...well, it’s written. Nothing I can do about it. Why it was? That I will never share.

Type: One Shot

Disclaimer: I do not own any part of Gundam Wing, their franchise or merchandise. I write this only for enjoyment purposes, and I do not receive any money for my work. This series belongs to its respective owners, and should be treated as such when reading.

Dedications: To those who have no hand to hold, no right to be bold, feeling like they’re sold. Deep. Deep, and strong, and hearts beating furiously together.

Love you, you bastard. Deep, and strong. And you’ll always stay with me...even if you leave, even if I leave, it’ll always be there. Somewhere. Right?

Stay

You never stayed with me for more than a night, during the war. I remember wishing you would stay.

Never...you never did.

In the dead of stilted hot summer nights, when the sheets stick unbearably close to my skin...I remember the time we tried to cook, and ended up blowing up that stupid little camp oven. You screamed like a little girl. I remember trying not to laugh so hard, until you laughed at the look of consternation on my face. I remember escaping, and chuckling in the shadows of willow trees.

When I see a shaft of light, glinting in bevelled glass...I remember days spent in cold classrooms, the misogynistic droning of the teacher enough to put us both to sleep. I remember the day you taught me how to make paper aeroplanes, and the things we did with them for weeks after.

When I see a blood moon rising, and the clouds race to cover the sky...I remember your feral smile, covered in blood, totally unrestrained sin in a body that promised death and respite and terror. I remember the way you used to cry afterwards, when you were sure I was asleep.

When I see a dead branch, lying naked and exposed on the ground...I remember a forest filled with shifting shadows, and being hungry, cold and scared. You stopped breathing that night. I never told you, and I never told you that I actually did bring you back to life. Death would not appreciate my simple kiss, that breath I breathed into you. Our first kiss. You never knew.

When I see fires, burning unrestrained...I remember the night I burned the military complex, and you looked at me with such shadowed eyes. Sorrow. Hope. Fear. You were terrified of the things that I had become, this change from emotionless to raging blaze, from ice to sun. You hated me for proving I was human as well.

When I hear trembling guitars, and the beat of a smirking drum...I remember smiling for the first time, poised above you with hands fastening around my hips. I remember your delighted laugh as I danced, slowly, danced to the music that poured venom into my heart. I loved that moment. Filling me, absolving me. I danced around you, and you danced inside me.

When I hear angry voices...I remember the night they found out. Compromising the mission, neglecting the rules of war, being something they couldn’t possibly understand. They said you ruined me, thought not in so many words. I fled into the night, and your howl filled the air that I tried so hard not to breathe.

When I see urgent lights, flashing strobes in the dark sky...I remember the day you saw, they all saw, what hadn’t changed. I remember you urgently trying to talk me out of it, voice scared and then horrified and then screaming, your tone tearing my heart to shreds even as I showed you why I am like I am.

When I hear utter, unremarkable silence...I remember the day after that horrible moment in time. All of us, sitting around that table...as I didn’t explain calmly, and rationally, that the disease I had wasn’t something that could be cured, and that I hungered for the touch only you could bring. I craved death, away from the pain and the sickness, and you offered it so readily when saying everybody who had ever loved you had died. I never spoke a word, just saying I couldn't handle being around someone so stupid and uninteresting and so complicated anymore. You never knew. My disease...you never, ever knew.

When I see the rain...I remember your tears, the first you had ever shown me. I remember you walking away, betrayed and hurt and angry, and how I felt my stomach clench. I remember feeling empty, when all I wanted was to feel the fullness you brought me, in mind and body and spirit. I have never let anyone touch me after you. I know I was your first...you never knew that you were mine.

When I see a crowd, full of screaming people, this time in happiness...I remember the end of the war, when banners filled the sky, air so filled with bits of glittering paper it was hard to breathe. I let myself go then, seeing you stand with the others, so proud and sad and weary. I slipped into the shadows, and let the disease run rampant through me. You never knew I watched that day, watched what you and the others had done. I saw your entirety for the first time, and it made my heart bleed.

When I smell cleaning chemicals...I remember the first days of the hospital. 16, slowing down already, heart old and beating uselessly in my breast. I wished for you then, but...none of you knew...I remember asking the doctor what would happen, and feeling my heart clench when he told me truthfully. I remember wishing you were there with all my might.

When I hear a simple lie, told so normally it makes me cry...I remember the lie I told you all that day, saying it wasn’t serious. You thought I kept my disease from you, a simple complaint, a heart that was too big for the body that it hosted. You never knew it was fatal. Maybe that's why I hate lying as much as you used to. You never knew it was a disease. You just thought I had an overlarge heart. You never knew about the rest of it, and when I said it wasn’t fatal...when I didn’t say anything at all…

When I see a bowl of flowers, floating calmly in deep, jade green water...I remember the celebrations of life, the temples filling with incense and joyous people, and offering small gold statues for your health and well being as I swayed with hundreds of other people, well into the night. I remember wishing you could see the silk sarong I wore, and the way it clung to my too thin hips. I remember the smell of blossoming orchids, and the syrupy scent of sweets offered for the gods of peace.

When I feel sore, and my muscles start to stretch...I remember scaling down the side of a glittering building silently, cursing the lack of security that was supposed to keep four of the most important people in the world safe. I remember trembling from the strain, nitro-glycerine spray sweet and cloying under my tongue as my heart beat furiously. I remember watching you work silently, dressed respectably, and hating the men and women who had tamed you into this.

When I hear the clicking of a clock...I remember the office of that dreaded doctor, his sad expression as he explained to me a few simple truths. I remember wishing that you were hear, saying that it was a lie, you could tell honesty from misinformation and that it was all a lie. I remember sliding to the floor, and feeling so cold inside as he left, so that I could gather the broken, crystal shards of my dignity.

When I see glittering jewellery, around slim throats and wrists...I remember sending you the bone pendant, a small curving whale inscribed with blank ink. I remember you sighing at the anonymous note, paying no attention to the others sweet ribbing about a secret admirer, but I notice you always wear it, tucked underneath those black silk suits. I remember thinking you were too young for that, barely seventeen, and already a lawyer, already a judge, already an officer. I remember slinking away into the dark, feeling like a peeping tom.

When I smell sweet tobacco, and the spicy scent of smoke...I remember running into one of your bosses, Kane, the bane of your existence. He didn’t know me, and I didn’t know him, but he took my suggestions to heart and treated you like you should be treated. You're practically the best of friends now, and you joke about the skinny young woman that just about saved your leather tanned hide. I remember cursing my skinniness, and the swelling over my heart that gave me that feminine appearance, and the hair I had let go wild when I just couldn’t care about exteriors anymore.

When I hear a muttered apology, and the closing of a glass door...I remember bumping into the one you call the dragon, eyes not even meeting mine, not recognising me as he pushed past so fast he knocked me over. He barely helped me up, and didn’t see me scurry to the bathroom, gulping narcotics and adrenaline inducing tablets just to keep my heart beating. I remember sitting on the toilet and feeling sorry for myself, and then hearing your voice, as you joked with him about running over wayward pedestrians. I remember crying when you left, back to your work and your friends and your life, so separate from mine.

When I see someone refusing another politely, shaking their head to the negative...I remember seeing you refuse men, women, god knows what else, sticking to yourself and the others like the glue we had made during science class once. I remember feeling bitter, because you were so unhappy, when you should have been going out and living life, like you should have always been able to do. I remember trying to send you a letter, and puking when I realised you would actually read it, and having to go back into the hospital for a month. I never did send that letter.

When I hear slow, soft beeps, and the running of a spiky line...I remember the time we almost ran into each other, when the sunlight of the group was shot on a ...mission, assignment?... and was in the bed next to mine. I kept myself shielded with the curtain, crying silent tears as all four of you hammed it up, trying to lessen the burden of nearly losing one of you. But...you were losing me...and you didn’t even realise...

When I hear birds singing, and smell the sweet scent of mown grass...I remember sitting in my favourite park, shaded by the trees and caressed by the cool breeze, watching the sky turn blue to gold to black. I remember feeling my heart start to stutter for that first time, and I remember wishing with everything I had that you got to see the same thing I just did. I remember feeling hungry, and not being able to feed myself. I remember the alley behind your building, and the little nest I made there when I wasn’t in the hospital. I just wanted to be closer to you all.

When I hear promised words, and see the gentle glint of gold...I remember the little girl I had once saved, now the glamorous woman on a quest to save the world. I remember thinking it was good that she could do it by herself now, and I remember watching enviously through the window as you danced with her. Envious of her, for getting to dance with you, or of you, for letting yourself do it so easily? I remember being thrown out by security, hitting my chest on the hard pavement, and spending three weeks in a nameless hostel for the damned and the dying.

When I hear the strains of violins, and the sharp lilting voice of a flute...I remember hiding underneath a stage, an auditorium closed for the night, and listening to the sunlight and the silence play sweet songs for the two of you. I remember you all wishing I had been there, if only to know what I was missing and own up to it like the heartless jerk I was, and I remember trying to break a drum case when you left, laughing about dinner and a movie. I remember cursing my weak arms, so weak and 18 and thin and lonely and scared and missing you.

When I feel uncomfortable, and I hear the silence like it's a living thing...I remember the day we all met for the first time in years. I remember receiving a letter asking my advice on a mission, something to do with computers, and wearing my black and blue sarong as I showed up to your division. I remember a doctor who I once knew gasping, not recognising me but seeing how sick I looked, how thin I was. I remember walking into that damned conference room, and knowing that you weren't informed on who would be helping you. I remember all of you not recognising me for nearly three damn hours, as I sat and listened intently, and then when I was asked my advice, your shocked silence at my voice said it all.

When I see uncomfortable glances, and sympathetic looks...I remember you blurting out that I was crazy, for starving myself like I was. I remember the condescending glare of the dragon, the small troubled and oh so damned polite smile from the sunshine, the utter indifference from the silence. I remember wanting to scream as you all laughed cruelly at a joke about my sarong, calling it a dress and sneering at my enlarged chest, like I wanted to be a woman. I remember your boss laughing too, and feeling cold and dead inside.

When I hear cruel laughter, see a long meeting, and feel like an outsider...I remember when I gasped, your cruelty towards me too much for my heart to bear, fumbling in the bag I had hidden around my waist and under my silks. I remember all of you not noticing, paying attention to a monitor and still snickering. I remember when you did notice, needle plunging into my chest, spray inhaler under my tongue, a million bottles of tablets at the ready as my hand fluttered uselessly over my heart. I remember your surprised looks.

When I see people curled up on street corners, screaming a silent litany to the god of the wandering dead...I remember a harmless little comment about using drugs, and suddenly I was the worse thing that had ever existed, a vile, despicable creature that you should never have asked the advice of. I remember speculation, about my involvement during the war, and if some of my so called superhuman abilities wasn’t from drugs and narcotics and speed and god knows what else. I remember breaking, screaming at last, tears hot as I beat uselessly at the table, and your shocked silence, all your silence, all that fucking unbearable silence.

When I feel alone...I remember saying I was dying, on my way out, aren’t you fucking glad to see me go! Oh yeah, look at me, big tough guy with the dying heart and less than three weeks to live, helping out old friends because he's pathetic and stupid and wanted to say goodbye, like he had wanted to do for years! I remember sighing, and saying of course I was disgusting, and giving your sniffling boss a disk and leaving. I remember nobody trying to stop me.

When I see useless letters, fluttering in empty hands...I remember the blistering e-mail I received from your boss, for upsetting her best with false statements and lies, for making her try and track me down again. I remember the horrible, basic black print on a glowing computer screen telling me they were coming, and where the hell was I. I remember feeling selfish, and sending her my current address. I remember she said they would be there in about four days time, and hopefully, they would deal with me the way I should be dealt with. I remember wishing that I could kiss you one last time, and knowing it would never happen.

When I hear hushed whispers, and the gentle admonition to be quiet...I remember a square jawed nurse, the kindest woman I have ever met, gently pulling the curtains back at my wordless nod. I remember feeling a lump grow in my throat as it was pushed aside, to reveal you all standing there, involved with talking to each other for a moment. I remember you seeing me first, seeing the tubes and wires and my exposed heart under a glass covering, easily removable so they could massage life back into it with latex covered hands. I remember your soft gasp, and the way your eyelashes fluttered briefly. I remember four sets of eyes, like jewels set upon the air of the darkest night in hell.

When I see bruises, and silk flowers in long hair...I remember asking you quietly to sit, gesturing to the four chairs around the bed, and watching you mutely as you all did as you were told. I remember smiling, feeling my skin stretch and tighten as it spread across my face, and I remember the way your face crumpled as I said I had missed you all so much. I remember the one lock of gold I could see in your twisted rope of hair.

When I hear someone saying good-bye...I remember trying to hold your hand, but I was too weak to grasp it properly, and your not quite smile as you gripped it tightly with your own. I remember the way you tried to smile, and then just gave up, before your anger and fear burst like a vein inside your mouth. I remember not hating you for your harsh words, not hating the glares that started as soon as they did from the others. I remember smiling again, and telling you that I had always loved you, loved you since the moment I was born.

When I hear someone say I love you...I remember the way you just sort of slumped, like all the air had been let out. I remember telling you all of the three years I had spent tailing you like a shadow, all of you. I told you about the donations I made to your orphanage. Of the man hours I spent benefiting the dragons cause secretly. Of setting up silence's sister for life. Of sending the sunshine flowers every week, pink lilies, and how I knew he liked to have them in vases by the front door of his home. I remember your incredulous stares. I remember wishing I could have said all this much sooner.

When I hear the sounds of birds calling...I remember telling you all that it wasn’t fair. That I had wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, my night, wanted to spend every second I could with you. Knowing I would break you...because it's true, everybody who loves you dies. I love you. God, how I love you, and how I always have, and how I always will. I remember asking you to leave, and your sorrowful glances and then regretful looks and then horrified gasps as my heart stopped, and you could see it, and then the nurses came rushing in like the tides from the sea. I remember saying good-bye, and I remember you kissing my forehead.

When I see stone, and carved words...I remember dying, and the pain of my body rejecting every shred of me down to the last bone. I remember death, and the way my heart imploded, taking my life silently with it with a hushed scream of all the pain of losing you. I remember you, screaming, holding me as I slipped away, my name on your lips and love on the tip of your tongue. You never tripped. Never said it back.

I love you.

I remember so much. I remember you.

And that comforts me, here, where I am, where I'm not. I have a heart so large it’s bigger than the world, and no heart at all. I can see you, but I don’t have eyes to see. I hold you at night, and feel you tremble, and hear you curse my name as you visit that slab of stone that hides the earth which surrounds me, like I once did to you so long ago, though I don’t have ears to hear or a body to feel. I kiss you, and whisper your name, and I wait as long as I can before I have to go.

For the nights are lonely, when you're all alone. I know. I hold you, yet I'm drifting away. Just say, say it and I'll be with you forever. I’ll stay.

Please say you love me.

But...I don’t think you ever will.

I remember touching, caressing, singing, dancing, moaning and feeling good and safe and warm.

I remember pain, and death, being cold and hungry, sad, depressed, angry and bitter and pretentious.

I love you.

Say it.

I love you.

Say it, and I'll wait for you for all of time, or whatever time is, in this realms of hourly seconds and yearly minutes. Of minute like years and fleeting days.

Stay. Please. Love me. Stay with me, damn you! Don’t leave me alone, where the darkness is, where the things howl and scream! Your promised that whenever I needed you, you would always be there, and you aren’t! Where are you? Why can’t you hear me anymore? Why...why don’t you listen to me...? Oh please, dear God, stay.

Stay with me.

Stay.

Because...I’m so scared. Duo, I’m so fucking scared, and you’re asleep, and I can’t feel your body anymore, even though I’m holding it.

Oh God. They want me to go. I don’t want to! I want to stay with you! The only good thing that ever happened to me...I know I’m obsessed...it’s even trapped me on this fucking island in-between wherever I have to go and you. But please...they’ll let me stay if you just ask it...

Stay?

One word.

Stay?

...stay?

It’s just a word. It’s just my soul. It’s just my entire world.

Stay.

AN: (Starts bawling) Wahh! What have I done? Everybody, I’m so sorry! Dave-sama, Im so sorry!

BN: you’re a creepy girl, but i luv ya anyway. why this? why now?

AN: Because I wanted to show you off to all my friends. Friends, this is Dave, my boyfriend, my fiancé, my life. Also my beta. He checks all these things for me.

BN: not this! why heero? i hate you. really, i really do. you made me cry again. always, always you kill him. kill wuffers!

AN: (Whistles) Anyways...

BN: i like heero, damn you

AN: So do I...but you know how I am.

BN: unfortunately...yes

AN: Bastard!

Love always, Shy Himura. And, I guess, Dave. Any mistakes are his fault!

BN: ph33r th4 dav4

AN: (Shakes head) Baka...