Disclaimer: Degrassi is not mine. The characters are not mine. This is a non-profit organization, which is really a shame, since I need dinero.

Ashley Kerwin used to like looking in mirrors. She would get up every day and carefully prepare the attire she would wear to school. First she’d take a shower, get dressed, then do her hair and make-up. Some days, it would be just eye shadow. Some days, eyeliner, eye shadow, lipstick, and foundation. It depended on how badly she felt. On the days when she felt like her world was caving in (such as the day she found out her father was gay), Ashley could have been mistaken for a Cover Girl model. But the days she was happy were the days hardly any make-up could be found on her face - she didn’t need it. She felt she sparkled all on her own.

But after losing all her friends, she began to buy bulk make-up. She had to hide the pain she felt inside, the taunting smiles sent in her direction had to be returned with flawlessly glossed lips; the impression had to be that she was just too cool to feel badly about what happened - if they weren’t going to accept her apologies, then she didn’t need to be friends with them anyway. Ellie Nash was perhaps the only one who could fully see through the façade that Ashley presented, but then, Ellie was hurting too. Ellie hid her pain easily though, even before the day she took up a razor. It was part of who Ellie was. Ashley longed to be that accepting, to face the hurting head n and if not conquer it, to at least use it against others.

Then Craig came along, and with the happiness he brought came another style change. She toned down the Goth crap, became a little more like the Ashley who could sparkle by herself. The make-up became less used, and though she still put it on of course, she now did it because she wanted to, not because she was attempting to hide. Craig was her smile now, and she didn’t need to fake any of them. Ashley couldn’t remember a time when she had grinned with more ease.

Ashley (the one of the present time), put a photograph down on the nightstand beside her bed, sighing. It was one of her, Craig, Ellie, and Marco. She couldn’t remember when it had been taken, but she remembered feeling distinctly that if Craig hadn’t asked her along that day, the photograph would only have three faces in it, and that she had felt immensely out of place. The smiles had been faked. That was before Ellie and Craig had become close friends, but Marco and Craig had always gotten along, and Ellie and Marco were inseparable. It had to be around the time Marco came out of the closet, because Spinner wasn’t in the picture.

The teenager dragged a tired hand across her eyes, and looked at another snapshot. This time, it was of her, Jimmy, and Craig, and every smile in that picture was real. Ashley studied her smile for a moment, trying to remember the last time it had been that unrehearsed. It hadn’t been a “smile for the camera” type of grin, but a smile that she used for herself, because she was uncomplicatedly happy. It hadn’t been a make-up day - the most she had on was eyeliner, and it was a neutral tone that was just barely noticeable. Could smiles like that be reclaimed? Or once it was gone, it was gone for good, like virginity? The thought of losing her “free” smile made Ashley sadder than she would have expected.

Then Manny came along, and everything seemed dark again. She didn’t smile, but for once, Ashley didn’t put up make-up to hide her pain. She simply didn’t get out of bed. She felt like she would never get out of bed again, nor did she want to. Paige and Spinner dragged her into the real world for a day, but that hadn’t lasted long. Her dreams turned to nightmares, and for the first time, Ashley was suicidal - actually suicidal. She knew that dying wouldn’t solve anything, but it would make the hurt go away. It would make the ache she had to live with everyday go away. It would make everything go away, and that’s what she wanted more than anything. For everything to just go away.

He came back to her though, he always did. Bi-polar disorder was hard to deal with, and for him, it must have been unbearable. Ashley wanted to be selfish, to just get away from him. How terrible was that? Craig needed her for once, but all she could do was try to figure out a way to escape. Was it so wrong of her, though? He was planning out her whole life for her, and wasn’t giving her a say in it. And if that was one thing Ashley Kerwin could not stand, it was being told what to do. That was why she and Jimmy had broken up the first time - he wouldn’t let her live. Well… that and the fact that she had made out with Sean Cameron while high on X, but that was beside the point.

When the London opportunity came, Ashley said a silent prayer of thanks. She knew it would be the end of their relationship, perhaps for good, but it was like a breath of fresh air. She had discovered that she didn’t love Craig as much as she thought she did; she didn’t want to be around him. When you begin to avoid your own boyfriend, something is terribly wrong.

She was so, so wrong to have felt that way. Ashley knew that now as she punched her pillow, picturing it as a certain face. Then the Jimmy Situation happened. Why had she kissed him? Perhaps it was because Jimmy was the one who had always been there for her, and she needed him once again. God, she was a selfish bitch, wasn’t she? She couldn’t just avoid Jimmy now, not when she had initiated it. She just couldn’t have left well enough alone.

Then two weeks ago, it had happened. She knew that Craig and Manny wouldn’t last forever, and she could wait. She could deal with Jimmy, indulge him, wait for the right moment to let him down easily. She had endless patience when it came to Craig. And finally, the day came. Manny had broken up with Craig on their date, and the two had gone their separate ways immediately afterwards. Manny had gone over to Emma’s house and apparently was just fine, but Craig…

Craig always used to come to her. He didn’t this time. He ran straight to Ellie. And as Ashley saw her once best friend and ex-boyfriend in each other’s arms, the redhead comforting the man she loved as he clung to her like a life preserver in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, Ashley felt something inside herself break. How could they? How could she? Ellie Nash, who had been there for her no matter what, becoming a traitorous bitch. Since when was Ellie Paige? But, she convinced herself, she was overreacting. Craig and Ellie had gotten close over the summer, but they were still Just Friends. Ashley clung to this explanation, and continued to wait for Craig to find his way back to her. Third time’s the charm, right? This time, they would make it.

Ashley threw the picture of Craig, Ellie, herself, and Marco at the wall, listening with satisfaction to the glass shattering in the frame, and watched as the photo itself slipped behind her dresser. She wouldn’t pick it up. It would lay there, untouched, for God knows how long. She refused to cry. Crying never helped. Crying was weakness, and she had been weak for too long…

And just last night, Jimmy had called. Whether it was out of spite he told her, or he just honestly didn’t know how it would kill her, he rambled on about how Craig had ‘finally seen the light’ and asked Ellie out. And Ellie, of course, had said yes. Ashley had dropped the phone as though it were a snake that had bitten her, and after apologizing to Jimmy and begging off with a headache, she climbed once more into bed. She hadn’t gotten out since.

The phone rang again, and Ashley picked it up. “Hello?” Her voice was hoarse from all the unshed tears and lack of sleep, and one might think from the sounds of it that she had been crying for hours.

“Ashley… Let me explain?” As soon as Ellie’s voice came over the receiver, Ashley slammed the phone down and hurled herself back onto her bed. This time, the tears came easily, and she succumbed to the storm of weeping that had overtaken her. It wasn’t fair. It was her Craig, and Ellie could just go date Jimmy or something.

The next day, she was forced by her mother to get out of bed. She wouldn’t have her daughter pity herself like last time, and Kate Isaacs felt it was best to nip it in the bud. She was so determined to snap her daughter out of it early on, she gave her 30 and told her to go shopping. She would have given her more, but Kate knew exactly where her daughter would go, and that amount of money would suffice.

When Ashley got to the store, she headed straight for the make-up counter, and bought 30 worth of cosmetics.

She might as well be prepared. The way she was feeling, she would soon be sleeping in the stuff.