|The One Wing to Rule Them All
Author: tfa1 PM
Insanity abounds in this Lord of the Rings FF7 crossover. Please fasten your seatbelts around your brains, lest you lose your mind as I have lost mine.Rated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Chapters: 3 - Words: 4,875 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 6 - Follows: 2 - Updated: 01-03-08 - Published: 08-13-06 - id: 3103283
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Disclaimer: Final Fantasy 7, the Lord of the Rings, Lego blocks, and all their associated characters, locations, etc… are property of their respective owners. The demented mind of tfa1, however, is my property.
Author's Note: This chapter is short, but I thought I'd more thoroughly introduce you to the creatures of Planet Earth.
The One Wing to Rule Them All
Contained herein is an Excerpt from the Encyclopaedia Foolproofium:
Of the Species of Planet Earth
Of the Stupidius Maximus (a.k.a. Iddiot):
The Stupidius Maximus, called Iddiots by most civilized nations, are a race of moronic humans so common that if you don't know what they are by now, you probably are one.
Nothing will be said of Iddiot appearance, culture, etc… in this respectable encyclopaedia for one very important reason: no one cares. There is no demand for information on the Iddiots because 1) anyone with a respectable brain capacity hates their guts, 2) Iddiots demonstrate an obvious inability to process information of any sort, and 3) anything with a less than respectable brain capacity is either an Iddiot or an inanimate object. The matter of which of those two has more brain capacity is currently under debate.
Of the Smalliust Insectius (a.k.a. Ant):
The Smalliust Insectius, commonly referred to as Ants, are a species of tiny creatures inhabiting the Cosmofang Forest, which borders the nation of Chocoban. Instead of building houses like common humans, Ants are known to tunnel deep into the ground where they live without any furniture of any kind. These tunnels, collectively known as Ant Hills, are where baby Ants are born from the womb of the Ant Queen.
While the Ant Queen is the political leader of these tiny creatures, her power is miniscule compared to that of the spiritual leader. A genetic defect in certain Ants has been known to create an eternal flame that rests upon the Ant's buttocks. This flame, which cannot be extinguished, is fuelled by the constant, steady stream of expelled methane gas from the rectum (colloquially called 'farts'). Although the amount of gas expelled is rarely enough to cause serious harm, rare farts throughout Ant history have resulted in mass destruction and the near-extinction of the Ant race. For this reason, those Ants with flames upon their rears are worshipped as reincarnations of a tyrant god, known as the "Burning Buttocks."
Of the Overlius Expensivetoyus (a.k.a. Lego Elf):
The Overlius Expensivetoyus, or Lego Elf, is a being similar in shape to human beings, but far from similar in texture. While humans are made of flesh and bone, many scholars attest to the fact that Lego Elves are made of plastic. Said to be the animated remains of an archaic toy, the matter of whether Lego Elves are living beings or otherwise nonliving is still under debate. Some unique features of the Lego Elf are his bright yellow skin, removable head and hands, as well as the strange circle atop his head, used to hold hats and hair (also removable) in place.
Being the most skilled species with plastics due to their nature, Lego Elves are known the world over for their toy-making skills and strangely excellent acrobatic feats. Indeed, Lego Elves excel at performing acrobatics, resulting in the envy of their softer biological counterparts (known to the Lego Elves as "fleshies"). These block-men have been seen doing the splits whilst many fleshies cannot touch their own toes. However, much training is involved in becoming an acrobat of such skill as the most revered Lego Elves, and failure to understand the safety regulations can result in twisted ankles, broken fingers, humiliation, gingivitis, and death.
Lego Elves are also skilled in using bows and arrows, as well as caring for nature and for… well, to be honest, Lego Elves excel at everything except reproduction. Fleshies have used this tendency to excel as proof that the Lego Elves are too perfect to be living creatures; whilst others say they're a testament to the ability of life to become perfect. It's really a confusing a debate and there is not enough room here to elaborate. (See Appendix A: Of the Nature of Life, page 9563651398, paragraph 600, lines 1-2 for more details)
Of the Hairius Coverallus (a.k.a. Dwarf):
The Hairus Coverallus is a species of vertically-challenged humanoid (hence their more commonly used name: Dwarf) well-noted for being completely covered in hair. The Coverallus prefers to make his structures underground, far from the surface world where Iddiots dwell and commoners ask what female Dwarves look like. Worth noting is that universal hostility to that very question has led many prominent scholars to suspect that Dwarven women do not exist, and thereby declaring the Hairius Coverallus to be an androgynous race.
An alternate theory suggests that all Dwarven men are, in actuality, Dwarven women; pointing out the species-wide attraction to gemstones, jewellery, and the construction of vast underground shopping malls. Indeed, reports across Planet Earth have identified the Coverallus as the source of the question, "Do you think these pants make me look short"; which any self-respecting male knows to be a ludicrous question that, when answered honestly, results in the Coverallus having a tantrum, and, when answered deceptively, results in mistrust developing between the responder and the Coverallus. In addition to this double-edged sword of a question, the Dwarf is also famed for creating the double-bladed axe, the double-bladed butter knife, and the double-bladed kewpie doll.
Of the Conquerus DaWorldus (a.k.a. Stereotypical Villain):
The Conquerus DaWorldus (commonly called the Stereotypical Villain or "Stevie" for short) is a race of malevolent being that every fantastical story seems to contain. Commonly employing numerous unskilled, uneducated, worthless sacks of ooze as henchmen, the average Stevie generally doesn't understand the saying "If you want something done right, do it yourself." Progressively sending enemies whose skill increases in a linear fashion, many Stevies inadvertently provide free training to would-be heroes who later destroy said Stevie. Coming in varieties ranging from the highly egotistical to extremely manipulative, Stevies are rarely brilliant enough to realize that sending in the elite troops first to make quick work of the would-be heroes is the best course of action.
Stevies are frequently human in form and carry a compulsive preference for the colour black. Graced with black skin, black cloaks, and/or black armour, the fortress of a Stevie is regularly located in a remote, middle-of-nowhere, greyish/blackish area where food is scarce. In fact, because life of any kind is so scarce in a Stevie's lair, the predominant belief among scholars is that Stevies are cannibals by nature. This might explain why villains never seem to have a (living) heir.
How often and in what location Stevies use the bathroom is currently unknown.