Disclaimer: See first chapter.

NybCR: Behold! It is updated! Oh, and thanks to everyone who reviewed! You are the awesomest awesome that was ever awesomed!

Episode Nine
A World of Losers

Still on the Road to Town
...

(Chapter Two, continued)

Once the first name is chosen, a surname must be chosen to compliment your new alias. Of course, many adventurers simply choose to drop their last name, but if one chooses to have one, surnames add a certain amount of flair for one of the arcane profession.

Changing a surname is similar to changing a first name, the only difference being that you can get away with adding a work like “moon” or “star” onto the end of it. For example, the boring, common name “Cooper” can become far more interesting when changed to “Copernicus” or “Coppermoon”.

Nellie groaned. “ ‘Coppermoon’? Ugh! That name is hecka lame-sauce! Only a total loser would CHOOSE to be dubbed ‘Coppermoon’!”

“Dude, how long is the second chapter?” Valerie said. “We’ve been reading it for like, three episodes.”

“What?”

“If you pick ‘Coppermoon’, I’ll pick ‘Silvermoon’.”

“Wha…? That’s not what you said!”

“Yes it is.”

“…Okay. Anyway, why would I do that?”

“Because if we could get Lydia Goodman to join us and change her name to ‘Goldenmoon’, then we’d totally be a trio!” Valerie proclaimed. “And then we could get ourselves a name, like… like the Moon Trio!”

“That’s even lamer than the lame-sauce name of ‘Coppermoon’.”

“Betcha more people’d hire us if our party had a cool name like the Moon Trio.

Nellie sighed heavily. “Fine, fine. But only because we’ll get more quests!”

“Yay! Oh, and when we change our first names, we should TOTALLY coordinate them so that they’re similar… we’d totally be like triplets!”

“Like… triplets?”

“Hey, that’s it! We’ll be the Moon Triplets! Oh, that is soooooo wicked awesome, doncha think, Nellie? People will be all like, ‘omigod, the MOON Triplets? I am so excited to meet you, you’ve got such a cool name that you must be really really awesome and would you be willing to go on a quest for me?’ And then we’d be all like…”

As Valerie continued babbling, Nellie muttered under her breath, “Man, I’ve got to be the biggest loser in the world,” and proceeded to bang her head repeatedly against her book, What to Expect When You’re a Sorcerer.

- - -

Meanwhile, in a Dark Lair…

Man, this guy’s got to be the biggest loser in the world, Mr. Lawyer thought as he looked at his latest client. Aloud, he said, “So, you’re saying that this handbook deliberately disparaged your name?” He was holding up the book What to Expect When You’re a Sorcerer.

“Just read the first paragraph of chapter two,” Steven Smith the Vampire said, sniffling into a handkerchief.

“Yes, yes, I did already, but there seems to be a problem…”

Steven Smith looked up from his hanky. “A problem?”

“Yes. You see, this handbook has a disclaimer, and I quote: ‘The creators of What to Expect When You’re a Sorcerer are not liable for any damage to personal property or personal feelings, nuptial disruptions, assassination attempts, or any other form of pain, death, or destruction that may result in reading What to Expect when You’re a Sorcerer or in following any of the instructions therein.’ In other words, you cannot sue the creators of this handbook.”

Steven glared at Mr. Lawyer. “All right, but you see, there’s a problem there.”

“And what’s that?”

“I’m a vampire, and you’re a living, breathing lawyer who will soon be a not-so-living dead lawyer unless you can find me a loophole.”

“No, you can’t do that.”

“Why not?”

Mr. Lawyer opened up his briefcase and took out a sheet of paper. He held it up to Steven. “Because you signed a contract not to kill me. See? There’s your signature.”

“So? I’m a vampire. I’m supposed to break the rules.”

“But you’re also a lawful evil monk, and breaking a contract will make you lose your lawful status.”

“And?”

“You can’t take more levels in monk if you aren’t lawful.”

“I’m still waiting for your point.”

Mr. Lawyer sighed. “If you can no longer take levels in monk, your next level will have to be something else. Like bard.”

“… Well, I can still blackmail you.”

“…”

“…”

“… YOU LEAVE MY TEDDIE ALONE, YOU BIG MEANIE!!!”

Steven blinked. Man, this guy’s got to be the biggest loser in the world.

(cough) I mean, please leave a review.