Pirates of the Caribbean: Mary Sue and the Prophylactic of Love or Doom

A short parody, based on the “stories” I’ve had the (insert an interesting word) to read whilst visiting this site. Complete in three itty-bitty vomit-inducing chapters. (A/N: It’s all in fun y’inds guys! Now you can make a parody of my parody and we can all partake in a parody party of passionate poopiness.)

Disclaimer: I don’t own ‘em.

Chapter One: Work Sucks Until Your Mom Gives You a Used Condom

“Damn, damn, damn,” I muttered as I resolutely brushed the snarls out of my thick honey-blond hair. I was going to be late for work if my crazy coif didn’t cooperate. Finally if fell into smooth waves around my shoulders as my mother called up to hurry.

“Mary Hermione Cordelia Sue Bloomdep, get your ass downstairs right now!”

I smoothed my ugly work uniform (though it was kind of cute actually, like Britney Spears’ school girl uniform) and walked out of my poster-covered (POTC of course!) room. My mom shoved a piece of toast (cinnamon) in my hand and ushered me out the front door to the car.

“Why are you so late. You know we’re getting that new shipment in at the museum today,” she berated me as we began to drive and I munched my toast. Even though I’d hated the idea of a job, my mom had gotten me on at the museum where she worked.

“I’m sorry, Mom. I was up late reading.”

“Not that horrible fanfiction again,” she snarled, banging the steering wheel with her fists, “That rubbish will lower your IQ and spoil your grammer skills.” (A/N: I know it’s spelled grammar!) I rolled my eyes at her as we arrived at the Pittsburgh Pirate Museum of Non-Sports Team Related Artifacts. “Now we’ve got to catalogue the new items as they come in,” she explained unnecessarily.

“I know, Mom, I know,” I whined, wishing for a break so I could go to the internet café next door and read the latest submissions to FF. My mom walked away to speak with our supervisor, Dru about the new arrivals. She came back to me with a smile a few minutes later.

“Mary, you’re gonna love this,” she smirked, “We’ve got something in from a pirate ship.”

“WHAT IS IT?” I squealed (or squeed). Maybe it was Jack’s compass!

“A condom.”

“What!”

“You heard me. It’s amazing it’s still around. It’s made of sheep’s intestines.” (So gross!)

“That’s so gross!” I winced.

“Here,” she said, handing me a box from the loading dock, “Start cataloguing. If you’re lucky, the ‘pirate protector’ will be in that one.” She smirked again. “I told you pirates were nasty, dirty fiends.”

“Well at least they used protection,” I murmured. My mom was such a dirty ho and hypocrite. She’d gone in for the morning-after pill just last week. I tossed my long blond hair aside and began to work. Oh, god, this is gross, I thought as I finally found the freaky prophylactic. It looked so strange. Feeling disgusted with myself but strangely curious, I took the condom out of its special bag. As soon as I touched its foul surface, a rushing sound filled my ears and I felt something tugging me towards I don’t know what. Then everything went black.

So what do you think? R & R ! If I don’t get enough reviews, I’ll never finish it:-p! (Just kidding!)